Archive for September, 2008

Governor Wha?

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

At least we know she’s qualified to ban books:

This interview seems like it was 4 days long.  It’s kind of like the first time I saw The Office (UK).  However, Couric is no Gareth (Dwight). As anti-intellectual as this country remains, I can’t believe most people perceive her “relatability” to mask her baffling ignorance.

On the other hand,

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Tank Talks Sportsmanship

Posted by Matt on Monday, September 29th, 2008

From the Washington Post:

Dallas Cowboys defensive tackle Tank Johnson had to be restrained after return specialist Rock Cartwright stood on the 50-yard line star at Texas Stadium yesterday as he celebrated Washington’s 26-24 victory.

“This is how it is. When you win, you win with class. When you lose, you lose with class,” Johnson said. “One of their guys, Cartwright, took it upon himself to celebrate on our star.

“It’s the fourth game of the season. No one has accomplished anything but a win. That’s just disrespectful and I don’t think we’d do that to them. And I’m surprised he did that to us.”

The Redskins could celebrate however they pleased, Cartwright said. “He was a little frustrated that we won,” Cartwright said. “He got mad that I went and stood at the middle of the star.

“I went to say hello to everybody, and he got mad that I stood at the middle of the star. It is what it is. I’m past it. I’m not worried about it. I think they’re just mad that we came in and got a win today. It’s part of the game. You win some, you lose some.”

In losing with class, Tank went after a 5’8 return guy.  Miss ya, buddy.

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AntiChrists Everywhere

Posted by Matt on Monday, September 29th, 2008

Jesus may have been a more effective community organizer that Barack.  I’m not sure if that makes him the antichrist.  Ft. Hill, SC mayor Danny Funderburk lends so much veracity to an e-mail forward, that he just had to know if it’s true.

“I was just curious if there was any validity to it,” Funderburk said in a telephone interview. “I was trying to get documentation if there was any scripture to back it up.”

Strange that Funderburk overlooked the much-referenced John 47:11, “Who is a liar but he that denieth ”more of the same,” such that “change” be of his demand. Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist.” John knew the antichrist would come in the form of a middle-class tax cut.

Of course, as Think Progress notes, Glenn Beck is the gate-keeper of the antichrist stigma.  Interesting that someone so righteous can’t make up his mind. 

Stain we can believe in.

Stain we can believe in.

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Louisiana Rep Wants to Sterilize Poor Women

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 26th, 2008

Keepin’ it classy , Louisiana! 

Louisiana state rep. John LaBruzzo stirred up controversy with his plan to study a plan to pay poor women $1,000 to undergo reproductive sterilization.

Louisiana state rep. John LaBruzzo stirred up controversy with his plan to study a plan to pay poor women $1,000 to undergo reproductive sterilization.

Overpopulation is a real global problem.  In America, dependence on government assistance is also a real issue for some communities. However, addressing inherent inequalities in public education, access to child care, family planning services, health care…could possibly be a less intrusive (and less nazi-like) means of achieving Mr. LaBruzzo’s goals.  Of course that would take a lot more work.  But Eugenics? Geez.

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Missed Missed Connections…

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 26th, 2008

Could some random creep be talking about you?  Are you that random creep? Feel free to copy/paste these templates into your local craigslist.com site.

Re: Friday night…or was it Saturday? m4w 

I think we had intercourse, but I was totally blacked out. You lived somewhere by the Logan Blue Line stop and had a bunch of unused candles. 

Re:  Asian Girl, Black Hair.  m4w – 25

We met on the dance floor at a club downtown. You were short (maybe 5’3), real cute.  I’m white, 6-feet tall and heavy into Carl Cox.

I hope you read this when you’re looking on craigslist for skanks to cheat with. w4m -27

I know things haven’t been going so well lately. That whole stupid fight after the Ratatat show was so stupid!!! I just can’t bring myself to open up and it’s hurting us. It’s hurting our lives, our souls, our hearts, and I need your share of the rent.  If you don’t fuck some random slut, I promise to come back to you. you’ll be my rock, my everything.

Cute guy in t-shirt w/ weird tribal tattoos. w4m – 20

Hi! Saw you on the train. You looked at me. I looked at you. And then I think when I looked away, you looked back at me, but I’m not sure since I wasn’t looking. LOL! But then I definitely looked at you again, and our eyes met.  Then I looked away again. And you looked at me.  Anyway, I think you looked but it was hard to tell because  you were wearing sunglasses.  I think we have a lot in common.  My entire back is inked, but you couldn’t tell because I was wearing a backpack.

Re: We are two ships in the night – w4m

We are this metaphor.

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Spoiler!

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 26th, 2008

I was getting real excited to watch the debate this evening for 3 reasons:

a.  I had my fingers crossed hoping McCain would have to explain the intricacies of Sunni + Shi’a relationships without the help of Joe Lieberman.

b.  The “P.O.W/ war hero” drinking game I had planned.

c.   Jim Lehrer is awesome. 

But then i saw this…

Upset!

Upset!

 How do they know?! I think someone should look into Sarah Palin’s Kenyan minister in order to see just how effective his witchcraft prevention techniques remain.  Something very crafty is going on here.

Look at that smile!  He must have had a real good night sleep before tonight’s debate, which he won.  And Lehrer?! How disappointing! He must have asked questions exclusively about Vietnam (that’s where John McCain became qualified to win future-debates, future-wars, and become president). OK John, you win this round.

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We failed!!!

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 26th, 2008

$307 Billion in assets, muthafuckas!

$307 Billion in assets, muthafuckas!

Dear fellow WaMu customers,

I hope this note finds you well.  Apparently, unbeknownst to me, our beloved bank came to symbolize the excesses of the mortgage boom.  Who knew?! Last night, the government stepped in, punched in their PIN-number, seized some assets, and made WaMu BY FAR the largest bank failure in American history.

I took Econ 101 in college, so allow me to briefly analyze where these clowns went wrong:

1.  No change-counters:  Are you really going to force your customers to drag their change jars to the supermarket and use those green machines that take about 9 cents per dollar?  C’mon WaMu! It’s legal fucking tender.
2.  Too much free shit:  Along with bad loans to bad borrowers, and huge undeserved bonuses for their executives, WaMu was always giving away things to their customers.  You may say, “Wait a minute pal, I liked depositing my paycheck and getting a complimentary Chips-Ahoy.”  I hear you.  However, these things add up. And did they really add to your banking pleasure? I still have a WaMu spatula in my office.  It doesn’t make me feel any better about my financial security.  I really thought it would. I really did.
3.  Communication:  I received an e-mail from WaMu this morning. I thought it would touch on issues such as the security of my funds, nearest branches, my 5-year plan, etc.  Instead we got this:
START SAVING FOR THE HOLIDAYS…TODAY!!! With kids back in school and a nip in the air, we’re suddenly reminded that the holidays are just around the corner.
Even if you’re not ready to hit the stores, you can cut down on holiday stress by saving a little extra cash today. With Online Savings at an amazing 4.00% APY and great rates on Money Market accounts, we have plenty of ways to kick your holiday savings into gear.
Learn more about your options and these great rates for saving for the holidays
C’mon guys!  At least acknowledge your failure before you start begging for more of our savings.  Your like the person that farts on the subway and then pretends it wasn’t you.  We all know it was you. Just because you’re reading a book doesn’t mean we’re oblivious. You can turn up the volume on your headphones all you want, it’s not going to make the smell go away.
In conclusion, I hope everyone is alright. These are tough times, and we’ll come through the other side,
head held high, spatula in hand.
Sincerely,
A former WaMu customer

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Gratuitous World

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 25th, 2008

 

Welcome.  While I can’t get into specifics, please trust that many excellent ideas were discussed at the launch party you weren’t invited to.  I can assure the reader that this site will regurgitate, recycle and bastardize all the best original ideas developed by others. Enjoy.

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One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Kings of Leon

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 25th, 2008

KINGS OF LEON – ONLY BY THE NIGHT

 

Though the album begins with some spiciness and possible hints of blackberry, it soon devolves, possibly due to consumption at an improper temperature.

Grade: C+

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T.H.E P.A.S.T.E.Y AWARD!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 25th, 2008

Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

Background:  Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.

As Bill Raftery would say, “Watching Tyler Hansbrough listen is special!”

Without further ado, the innagural PASTEY goes to this guy:

TIM TEBOW!!!

TIM TEBOW!!!

An obvious selection! This young, energetic, hard-worker can add THE PASTEY to his already impressive award stash.  The rugged Florida Quarterback delighted many coeds and broadcast personalities when he decided to come back for his Junior season.  In fact, what sticks out about this son of Christian Missionaries isn’t that he became the first player to rush and pass for at least 20 touchdowns in a single season, or even that he heroically led the Gators to a SPECTACULAR 9-4 finish in 2007.  Rather, it’s how tough he is.  Legend has it that Tebow broke his leg in a high school game and managed to play all 4 quarters.  Erin Andrews gets movement downstairs just thinking about it. 

When he’s not winning awards, running up solid numbers, and spreading the gospel, the earnest Tebow is inspiring politicians everywhere.  Alabama’s “Tim Tebow Bill” (HR 334) would require  public schools to allow homeschooled students equal access to SPORTS! and extracurricular activities.   I shit you not.   When powerful Alabamans are not fighting the culture wars of yesteryear, or avoiding a gay cousin, this is what they do at the office.
 
The Home-schooled Heisman winner is already a legend in the state, and though he has often folded in the clutch, he is obviously way better than Chris Leak, who may or may not have led the Gators to the 2006 National Championship.  Congratulations, Tim.  You’re today’s PASTEY.
 
Whiteness: Eggshell
Quote: “Mothers pray their daughters will bring him home for pot roast night. Fathers pray their sons will grow up to be like him. Linebackers pray he won’t connect with that stiffarm.” Andy Staples, Athlon Sports
Favorite Book: Leviticus
Jaw: Distinguished
Future:  Like all recent Gator QBs, he will likely play at one time for Bears. Like all recent Gator QBs, his NFL futility will be legendary.

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Gratuitous World Blog

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      January 11, 2014

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    • REPOST!…SNOW MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE…
      January 7, 2014

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