Archive for October, 2008


Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 30th, 2008

My absolute favorte story in a long time – originally posted here.

Holy bullshit!

Holy bullshit!

From Wonkette:
Did you know that some Christian dingbat has dubbed today the “Day of Prayer for the World’s Economies?” Well here they are, at the Wall Street bull statue thing, praying to Jesus for money. The dingbat has explained, “We are going to intercede at the site of the statue of the bull on Wall Street to ask God to begin a shift from the bull and bear markets to what we feel will be the ‘Lion’s Market,’ or God’s control over the economic systems.” Don’t they know that God taking over the economic systems would be SOCIALISM from SPACE? Also: God will be very mad that they are worshiping a bronze idol here, since his second commandment PROHIBITS THAT, duh?
Do Christians that consider themselves “religious” even read the Bible?  They don’t even have to read it. Bible on Tape? Classic Charlton Heston movie?  I don’t even have a comment that could help magnify this absolute painful irony.  It’s right there for you.
I do see a couple guys probably praying to the golden bull for a few bucks in order to by their own pair of Isotoner gloves.
You may say, “Hey pal, you’re just a cynical, godless jerk!”  True. But it’s because I’ve tried. 
When I had athlete’s foot, I prayed to the heavens while rubbing the Statue of Liberty’s sandal.  When I wanted a 1/2-inch more “girth,” I plead and prayed with god while rubbing the “package” of Michelangelo’s David.  When I wanted the bully down the street to stop beating me with my french horn, I travelled overseas and prayed for his arms to fall off while illegally dry-humping Venus di Milo. And so on.
And for good measure…
Deliver us bull from every evil! And grant us stable 401Ks

Deliver us bull from every evil! And grant us stable 401Ks

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Missed Missed Connections – Vol.2

Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 30th, 2008

For anyone who has a life and needs a reference…

You got off at North around 5:13 p.m. - w4m – 23(Redline)

I boarded the same car as you at approximately 5:02 p.m.  At 5:03 p.m. you brushed your long brown hair away from your face.  About 5:05 p.m. you gave me a half-smile.  I blushed for about 42 seconds – I remember timing myself using the Pussycat Dolls’ song on my ipod.  At 5:07 p.m. we made eye-contact and I acknowledged said eye-contact with a slight nod.  For the next 2 minutes I drafted a text message to my sponsor about this “cute guy” on the train. That was you.  At 5:11p.m. that blind guy (do you think he’s really blind? I’m not sure.) came through the car asking for change.  About 30 seconds later, he tripped because someone didn’t move their bag.  I had feelings of pity and sadness for about 15 seconds.  Soon thereafter, you got off the train.   I’m very timely and good at math. Would you like to grab a coffee?

Bartender at W on Thursdays – m4w – 31

You served my aged Scotch, “neat.” We chatted about politics and my Audi.  You seemed like you really enjoyed the tips I was giving you. I don’t have time for games, I’m an important person (actually on my cell-phone right now talking and sending an important e-mail). Let’s get together – on me.  We can talk about my job and I’ll order your food for you.

Young buck with dark beard at caribou on Tuesday morning – m4m

You made me a skim-mocha-latte. Almost as heavenly as your facial hair.  On a related note, I shave my balls. Interested?

Falling for you………… hard !!! – w4m

Yeah, I kinda knew this was gonna happen. I wish things were different, and maybe someday they will be. I still can’t forget the one time we went out and I gave myself to you. Since then, I’ve come understand those times you had to work late, and the 13 other times you had to tutor the under-privileged children. Just know that I am in love with you, and respect your privacy and the restraining order.

I need a blonde amish man with big glasses! – w4m – 30

(I got nothing – this is actually a real listing I saw and wanted to share. Here.)

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More pleasing to the eye…?

Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 30th, 2008

Chimp on Segway (TM)?

The SnorgTee girl?

always amused!

always amused! Must be the clever outerwear.










Well, the video has the part with the Chimp. But it is nice to see a model smiling – she could never work for American Apparel.  So they both have positives.  Toss-up!  Of course, the unwritten rule is that the ‘tie’ goes to the monkey.

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Gratuitous Balls! NBA Preview – Part 4

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, October 28th, 2008




Despite being home to the NBA CHAMPION Celtics, the Eastern Conference is still bad.  Thus, it’s quite a breath of fresh air to preview the SW division – the best division in the NBA. And the Grizzlies.



Projected Order of Finish

1.  New Orleans- Chris Paul is as legit as any player in the NBA.  James Posey takes his punk, carpet-bagging ass to New Orleans to try to win his 3rd Championship in 4 years (w/ 3 dif. teams).  I think Peja is still sporting a crust-ache.

2.  San Antonio – Getting Old? Yes. But when they start paying attention around March, their solid offensive execution and tight defense will still present difficulties for the rest of the NBA.

82 games?

82 games? Are you kidding me? Duncan and his 4 teammates let themselves go in the offseason, but come April...

3.  Houston- A new team has to deal with Ron Artest, his psychotic behavior, and awful rapping skills.  Indeed, the young man’s psyche is fragile.  Yet the fragility of Yao and T-Mac will be what prevents this team from winning the conference.

4.  Dallas -  This roster would be legit – in 2004. 

5.  Memphis – Where to begin? Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo are talented young wing players, but if you combined their last names you’ll likely picture something less-than-appetizing.

NBA Superstar Superlatives – Southwest Division 

1.  The “He’s Only 23?” AwardDarko Milicic, Memphis:  Although he has been a bust after being drafted by the Pistons with the #2 overall pick almost 2 decades ago, Darko will be riding the bench in Memphis at the youthful age of 23.  And he’s not Dominican!

2.  Sharpest ElbowsTyson Chandler, New Orleans:  Jesus Christ! Get the hell out of the way when this lanky big man raises his arms.  Like garden-shears, the points of this man’s arms will take you out if you’re not careful.  Not since Bill Cartwright, have elbows been this sharp.  These are huge, sharp assets for the Hornets.

Tim Burton's next biopic.

Chandler's elbows.

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What a Surprise!

Posted by Matt on Friday, October 24th, 2008

Move over drunk business students! You are out of your league. 

KDKA in Pittsburgh is now reporting that Ashley Todd, the 20-year old McCain volunteer who said a Big, 6’4, BLACK man (Donovan McNabb??) mugged her and carved a smoothly-shaped “B” into her face because she had a McCain bumper sticker on her car, now says she made it all up. Can you believe it? A young, college-republican from Texas trying to ignite racial mistrust and hate.  Just like Lee Atwater would draw it up.

Of course, anyone who read the story yesterday (unless you were Matt Drudge or a FoxNews exec), knew the facts seemed a little shady.  But who wants to pile on a possible victim of a violent assault?  Well, that was yesterday, and today she’s putting the “c$@#” back in “country first.” So pile on, my friends!  (FYI, that word two sentences ago is “cunt.”)

Looks like someone might need a chunk of Palin's make-up budget. Ba-zing!

Hey sweetheart, I know a VP candidate who may have a serious supply of make-up to share. Hey-O! Topical!

Sure, she may be some misguided young woman who needs psychiatric help.  Or she may just be a race-baiting bitch.  I’m not losing sleep.

Either way, I’m sure once she gets back home, she’ll find herself a community among those who actually appreciate her efforts to take one for the team.  So don’t feel too sorry for her.  Don’t feel sorry at all.

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Douchenozzle(s) of the Week

Posted by Matt on Friday, October 24th, 2008

What happens when you combine students from a world-renowned grad school, a few light beers, and a priceless prehistoric artifact?  A Matt Damon movie? nope. Awkward sexual innuendos? probably.   How about a recipe for some douchenozzles?  Absolutely.

Reported in the Sun-Times today, students from Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management attended a party at Chicago’s historic Field Museum.  According to the Sun-Times, the business kids…

 reportedly got drunk, vomited on the floor, spit at people, passed out and threw things at Sue herself.

Let’s analyze this behavior one aspect at a time:

1.  Douchenozzles got drunk: Northwestern Business school.  I bet some of the conversations were fascinating. 

2.  Douchenozzles vomit on the floor of Field Museum:  Classy!

3.  Douchenozzles spit at people:  That’s just Business 101.  Spitting at people is a negotiation technique. Spitting at strangers in a museum just says, “Fuck you. I go to one of the nation’s best business schools. Nice fanny-pack.”

4.  Douchenozzles threw things at Sue:  For those unfamiliar, Sue is neither the class skank, nor is she the annoying girl in the front row of the class who raises her hand all the time.  Sue is a truly impressive Tyrannosaurus rex, which the Field Museum purchased for over $8.3 million.  Sue is the Field Museum’s prize attraction and the most preserved T-Rex ever discovered. Sue is 67 million years old (or a youthful 5,000 if you’re Sarah Palin). And these drunk nerds are tossing Heineken bottles at the thing? What the hell?  Look, I get drunk and stupid just as much as the next guy.  Far more often, actually. I could never see myself, or my drunk asshole friends, disrespecting this truly historic treasure.  I’d even be more inclined to piss into the dolphin tank at the Shedd Aquarium. A little urine won’t faze Flipper.

Why do drunk assholes hate me? I thought we were friends!

Why do drunk assholes hate me? I thought we were friends!

 Anyway, I’m sure all the kids attending the party weren’t douchenozzles.  I mean, these are the leaders of tomorrow.  In an e-mail reprimand to her fellow students, Andrea Hanson, a vice president of the Kellogg Student Association, called the Sept. 26 party “an embarrassment.” 

She described how drunken students — “already too overserved” — forced the Field Museum to shut down the open bar to try to calm the situation. 

Rowdy business students, closed bar, a turbulent economy?  The Field Museum is lucky no one was hurt.

According to Hanson (she sounds like a lot of fun), students smuggled in alcohol — filling trash cans with empty bottles — and some students “passed out in high-traffic areas.”

Just another night on the town! It would have been fitting if a projectile would’ve dislodged a vertebrae causing Sue’s mandible to dis-attach and crush one of the douchenozzle’s legs.  Too harsh?  Ok.  I see it.  

One thing you can say about these Kellogg students, they may be on the way to high 6-figures in the near-future, but they sure can’t handle their booze.  Hey Douchenozzles! Show some respect.

Award winners? Yes.  Douchenozzles? Perhaps we'll never know.

Award winners? Yes. Douchenozzles? Perhaps we'll never know

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One Sentence Album Review via Wine Descriptors – Secret Machines

Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Not the juciest secret.

Not the juciest secret.

 Possibly over-oxidized, unlike previous attempts, this album falls flat throughout and fails to live up to the brisk cherry flavors of its predecessors.

 Grade = C-

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TV & Social Decay – A Bipartisan Effort

Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

First viewed at, I was thoroughly intrigued by a recent study  done by Nielsen Corp. concerning the partisan divide of American (cable) television shows.  Below are the most partisan shows listed with (a) their titles, and (b) why they appeal to the demographic.  I will also note the (clearly partisan) GW ratings of these shows.


1.  South ParkWhy?  “They Took er Jobs!.” Also, Cartman may be the hero of the conservative youth movement.  GW Rating:  Usually pretty solid when viewed.

2.  Cash CabWhy?  Appreciate a cab driver who speaks good English.  GW Rating:  Probably the best game show on TV since Barker left the Price is Right.  Red Light Challenge!

3.  DamagesWhy? Tightly-wound, frigid, cut-throat bitches? The type of girl you want to bring home to mother’s dinner-party.   GW Rating: Never viewed, but Glenn Close?  She’s good.

4.  Battle 360Why? I don’t know. Small phalluses? GW Rating: Never viewed, but if it’s on the History Channel I am pretty sure it has something to do with WWII and guns.

5.  Doctor Who?Why? Affirms their belief in the aliens they saw after drinking a handle of moonshine and getting lost in the woods while trying to take a piss.  GW Rating: Never viewed.  As a youth, I was a fan of MST 3000.  Same ballpark?

Making domestic violence funny one black-eye at a time.

Engvall: Making domestic violence funny one black-eye at a time.

6.  Bill Engvall ShowWhy? Can relate to the latent yet unexpressed sexual taboos the show uncomfortably alludes to, but doesn’t really address; such as pedophilia, incest, adultery, and probably pegging. GW Rating:  From previews alone, have seen enough to want to scrub myself clean with S.O.S. pads. 

7.  Rock of Love with Brett MichaelsWhy?  Because in 2008, if there are still Poison fans out there, they’re voting Republican. May also give hope to those anxiously anticipating the Apocalypse. GW Rating:  I’ve seen bits + pieces. *hangs head in shame* 


1.   The Colbert ReportWhy? Snark and Sarcasm levels through the roof.  GW Rating:  Best talk-show on television.  Nielsen knows so much about me!

2.   Deadliest CatchWhy? Like to sit on the couch and say, “Holy shit! I would never do that. Pass the bong.”  GW Rating: Fairly impressive, but all the episodes seem identical.

3.    Ax MenWhy? Like to sit on the couch and say, “Holy shit! I could totally do that. Pass the hummus.” GW Rating: Never seen it, but pretty sure it’s like Deadliest Catch, but in a forest. With axes.  And no women.

4.  It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaWhy? Four assholes in a bar make them feel better about

It's always sophisticated humor for intellectual liberals!

It's always sophisticated humor for liberal elites!

being assholes who frequent bars.  GW  Rating:  Crass and tasteless.  So I love it.  Most laugh-out-loud moments since Arrested Development (R.I.P.).

5.  Tin ManWhy?  While other kids were playing sports and feeling-up girls, they were trying on their mothers’ footwear and clicking their heels.  GW Rating:  Never viewed, but big fan of Oz-related media – from the classic originals, to the show with prison-rape.

6.  My BoysWhy? Like the thought of hanging around with a cool girl with shared interests without having to get up the courage to make a move.  GW Rating: Not frequently viewed.  A little off, though quite fond of the “D-bag Intervention” episode.  We also like the shots of Chicago via an LA studio.

7.  I Love New YorkWhy? Went to the website, but couldn’t really figure out the point of show.  Is this a Tyler Perry presentation?  GW Rating:  Never viewed, yet still vaguely horrified. Ultimately incomplete.

Somewhat interesting? I think so.  Let’s check out the shows with the Highest Bipartisan Engagement:

1.  The Cleaner  2. Real Housewives of Orange County   3. The Next Food Network Star  4.  HGTV Design Star   5. Army Wives   6. The Hills   7.  What not to Wear   8.  Saving Grace    9. In Plain Sight

 I don’t even know what most of these shows are, but one thing appears clear:  Nothing seems able to unite the nation like bad, basic-cable reality television.  Kudos to all of you: the housewives, wannabe Food Network stars, and privileged, vapid, SoCal teenagers.  You are not just the Real Housewives, but the real patriots. You teach us that this nation consists of not just “blue” TV-shows and “red” TV-shows, but “awful” TV-shows, that enable the masses to be free from the burdens of quality entertainment, reading, and human interaction.  Cheers to you all! The 21st century heroes.

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I’ll see your banana daiquiri and raise you an asinine diplomat.

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

Though only runner-up for “Douchenozzle of the Week” (coming soon), Jorge Bolanos, Cuba’s chief diplomat to the U.S., while talking to the AP in advance of his address to the U.N., compared American trade sanctions to the most unspeakable acts of modern history.

Whined Bolanos, “It’s equivalent to genocide; its intention is strangulation,”

Bolanos is referring to the United States trade embargoes gradually initiated following the Cuban Revolution.  Of course, from Godfather II we know that prior to the Revolution, rich Americans often traveled to Cuba in order to build casinos, go to sex shows, and betray their younger, more talented brothers.

Personally, I believe U.S. policy towards Cuba needs a serious overhaul.  The travel restrictions are ridiculous.  Unnecessary trade sanctions create hardship in the region, limit possible markets for American companies, and foster dysfunctional relationships, both directly and indirectly. But that is neither here nor there. 

Bolanos continued:  “Eleven million Cubans live under the blockade’s effects,” he said. “Each day, each of them, child, woman, man, elder of whatever social position or religion, suffers without distinction, the perverse effects of the blockade.”


He said a few sick Cuban children have been unable to receive proper medical treatment because the United States would not approve the export of catheters. Some material for the blind also is under boycott, and Cuba was unable to purchase washing machines from Mexico because they had parts manufactured in the United States, he said.

I am not insensitive to these people who are unable to receive necessary treatment.  However, millions of Americans can’t get proper medical treatment.  Maybe you can send us some cheap scrips’ and  I’m sure someone will gladly send some catheters, rubber gloves, and so on.  On the other hand, I am mildly insensitive to the Cubans who can’t wash black beans and plantains out of their overalls because of a lack of Mexican washing machines. 

Like the citizens of many countries on this planet, Cubans are poor.  However, despite occasional isolated uprisings, their country functions.  Medical care is available.  While some medical supplies may be sparse, I do not think they have to fight off the Sudanese mujahideen as supplies get air-dropped into the country.

My advice for Jorge (who went on to say, “it typifies an act of genocide”) would be to tone down the rhetoric before addressing the U.N., and maybe avoid eye-contact with the delegations from Armenia, Cambodia, Israel, Rwanda…etc.

Complete story here.

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Gratuitous Balls! NBA Preview – Part 3

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

 The Southeast Division

Believe it or not, this division does exist.  While there is a fair amount of young talent, very few fans care.  Those people that do arrive to half-fill the stadiums are usually on their phones checking the latest college hoops scores, NASCAR info, and strip club specials. 


ORLANDO: This team should repeat.  Dwight Howard will continue to be a freak.   JJ Reddick will continue to add to Duke’s legacy of atrocious NBA Guards who are defensive liabilities. The “Van Gundy Effect” should get them to round 2 of the playoffs.

MIAMI:  The Heat are possibly the most hyped team to end the previous season 52 games under .500 (which still almost gets you an 8-seed in the East).  The Heat do have DWade, Shawn Marrion, and Michael Beasley, a rookie who will likely show flashes of brilliance before getting suspended on the eve of game 7 of the Eastern Conference semis for smoking weed in a Dairy Queen while waiting for an Oreo-Blizzard and wearing a fedora.

ATLANTA:  Josh Smith jumps. Mike Bibby passes. Al Horford rebounds. Joe Johnson scores. The city of

will play for mortgage

will play for mortgage

Atlanta yawns. The Hawks have some serious young talent, but maybe they need to add a Michael Vick-type character in order to capture the attention of the 112 Hawks fans. 

CHARLOTTE:  Larry Brown arrives on his quest to coach for every NBA team.  I predict OK. City is next.  Maybe 6 months.  The big question is whether Larry and his team of small forwards can get to the playoffs. Adam Morrison? you can go ahead any time now.

WASHINGTON:  After playing an admirable 13 games last year, franchise-player Gilbert Arenas will get time to rest at the start of this season after a summer knee surgery.  Brendon Haywood? I never liked you. You suck. Sorry about the broken leg, though.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone – even you.

NBA Superstar Superlatives-Southeast Division

Most likely to find a bag of flaming shit on his doorstepAlexis Ajinca, Charlotte: This Afrique-Frenchman takes his rail-thin body, aloof attitude, and finesse game to the southeast, where they love all those things. 

More smug than thug.

Ajinca: More smug than thug.

Obscure Signature move: Mickael Pietrus, Orlando:  The “Monorail” – Pietrus has a hard time executing his patented move of dribbling straight down the length of the court without wavering, and executing a one-hand layup at the front of the rim.  But when it does happen, central Florida can hear the polite clapping all the way at the Epcot Center recreation, located on the main concourse of the Magic’s “Amway Arena.”

Best Cook: Antonio Daniels, Washington:  Something tells me he cooks a mean chili.  Spiciness? Hot. Heartiness? You bet. Flavor? Quite pleasant.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]