Archive for May, 2009

Celebrity Haiku: Chapter 1

Posted by Matt on Friday, May 29th, 2009


                  Repress that rage, kid

           Unleashed all shapes and sizes

               Still hustlin’, douchebag?

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Hugs: The New Gateway Contact

Posted by Matt on Thursday, May 28th, 2009

The New York Times featured an article today on the new phenomena sweeping over America’s adolescents: hugging.  According to the article, occurrences of hugging are so widespread that some schools have banned hugging or limited hugging to the “three second rule.”  This means that at these schools, eating food off the ground is now more acceptable than showing affection for a friend.

The article breaks down some hug-lingo as well: 

There is the basic friend hug, probably the most popular, and the bear hug, of course. But now there is also the bear claw, when a boy embraces a girl awkwardly with his elbows poking out.

There is the hug that starts with a high-five, then moves into a fist bump, followed by a slap on the back and an embrace.

There’s the shake and lean; the hug from behind; and, the newest addition, the triple — any combination of three girls and boys hugging at once.

The article does leave out my personal favorite – “The Leaning Tower.” This is where a boy hugs a girl he likes, making heavy contact from the waist-up while leaning out with his lower body so as to hopefully avoid her noticing his erection.

Maybe that was a mid-90s thing.

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The Abortion Plane

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 9th, 2009

Anti-Choice Followers just want to say, "Good luck. We're all counting on you."

Anti-Choice Followers just want to say, "Good luck. We're all counting on you."

 Look away Touchdown Jesus.  The anti-Abortion crew have their chastity belts in a bunch regarding Notre Dame’s invitation to  President Obama to be this year’s commencement speaker.

Hired by the Center for Bioethical Reform, the “abortion plane” plane trails a banner with a picture of a dead fetus and the words, “10 Week Abortion.” The group’s other banner reads, “Abortion is terror.” Nothing like distracting from the students’ achievement and financial sacrifice in order to get public opinion on your side. But as Wonkette points out, the best part is a letter the Center for Bioethical Reform sent in response to one student who had objected to this shit-show.


Thank you for writing. As someone about to graduate from Notre Dame, you say you “don’t think it is fair to have your home bombarded with disgusting [and disturbing] images.” Come now, [REDACTED]: If these babies were just blobs of tissue, would you be so distressed at these pictures? How could the images be “disgusting” unless abortion is “disgusting?” And if you think abortion photos are “disturbing” who aren’t you more disturbed by abortion itself? Why do you care more about your own “comfort” than you care about the survival of the little children who are being slaughtered? Is that what the priests taught you at Notre Dame; that your comfort is more important than someone else’s life?

You admit that the “majority” of Notre Dame students voted for Mr. Obama. That means they must not be allowed to graduate in comfort. No one should be allowed to become comfortable with baby killing. Many of your classmates have had abortions and many more will have them in the future. Some of these students, at least those with functioning consciences, could be talked into saving their babies if they were forced to look at what abortion is and does. We know that from our extensive experience with these pictures. You can read their testimonials for yourself at These students need truth more than they need comfort. If pro-abortion students are going to revel in the presence of this serial-killer president, they need to squirm in the presence of the babies he is killing. Most abortion supporters want to be able to kill babies and have the evidence swept under the carpet. No more, [REDACTED]. It is only fair that pro- abortion students be forced to look at the carnage their votes are making possible. Then we will see if they are still so “excited,” as you say, to have Mr. Obama address them.

You say Mr. Obama is coming to honor you. We are going to make your class look at the hidden reality for which he stands and then you can all better decide how much of an honor his presence actually confers on you and your classmates. You say he is not coming to discuss abortion. That is correct but he IS coming to signal that abortion should be of little concern to Catholics. We intend to forcefully rebut that contention, not with arguments, but with pictures. You find it “disrespectful” that we would force our “extremist” message on your class, but as I asked above, how could an abortion photo be “extreme” unless abortion is “extreme?” We find it disrespectful to butcher babies. If you think the use of the term “butcher” is an exaggeration, then why do you find abortion photos so “upsetting,” to use your term?

We want your family and the family of every graduating senior in Joyce Center to have these sickening pictures gaging them as they applaud the man who glorifies this carnage. Our avowed purpose is to respectfully, lawfully, ruin this ceremony; not to be vindictive but to force people to stop acting as though everything is normal at Notre Dame. It is not normal for a Catholic institution to honor a man who supports infanticide. The sewers of South Bend are literally running red with the blood of Notre Dame’s children. We are going to figuratively pry open the manhole covers and force the entire university community to smell the stench of death. No more business as usual. I assure you that by the time the Class of 2009 has received their diplomas, both “town and gown” will be more bothered by abortion than they ever dreamed possible. Every time they look at that diploma, framed on their wall, we want them to see a dead baby. Then perhaps they will take this issue as seriously as the graduate of a famous Catholic university is obligated to take it.

Lord bless,

Gregg Cunningham

The Center For Bio-Ethical Reform

P.O. Box 219

Lake Forest, CA 92609

Office Phone, 949-206-0600

Cell Phone, 714-240-6976

“Sewers are literally running red with the blood of Notre Dame’s Children?”  Jesus Christ! Somebody tell the Mayor!  

While the abortion plane is still planning on bringing an aura of disgust to the ceremony, my plan to fly around a nude picture of Charlie Weiss as a protest of college football’s most overrated coach was disallowed as a clear violation of public decency standards.  And rightly so.


You're Gross.

You're Gross.

















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You Say Tomato, I Say Sean Hannity is a Fucking Idiot.

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 9th, 2009

I should just re-title this site “Who Fucking Cares?”  

I will preface this by saying I am clearly biased regarding this subject.  I fucking hate ketchup.  It is the most overrated condiment around.  Evidently, my hatred of ketchup (along with my ownership of African art and my love of the Canadian national anthem) makes me elitist, un-American, and probably a threat to national security.  

Last week, President Obama went to a burger joint and ordered a burger with mustard (and no ketchup!!!).  And not just any mustard:  Dijon mustard.  HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S A CITY IN FRANCE!!!! FRANCE, I SAY!!!

So with the Taliban moving into Pakistan, a messed up economy, evidence pouring in regarding torture and the moral bankruptcy of the previous administration, let’s cue the clowns…

Hannity claimed that Obama ordered a “fancy burger” with a “very special condiment.” 

Laura Ingraham? Show me the testosterone young lady:

“What kind of man orders a cheeseburger without ketchup, but Dijon mustard?”

Seriously.  A real man eats ketchup, pisses motor oil, and shits handguns. How about you, Limbaugh fill-in Mark Steyn?

“He’s amazing, Obama. This coverage — he’s a regular guy. He eats a hamburger with Dijon mustard — Dijon mustard. John Kerry couldn’t get away with that stuff, but he makes it seem like just like a regular thing to do. Now there’s — I see that some of the left-wing commentators are saying, ‘Why are people making a fuss about the Dijon mustard?’ but that’s just an example of the way Obama is able to enlighten us.” 

Kind of a low blow to Kerry. We all know he’s a “Heinz” guy anyway.

Anyway, all you unenlightened assholes outside of Chicago need to listen up.  Ketchup (catsup?) is for jerks and Methodists.  Hot dog logic can certainly be applied to the realm of burgers.  As Chicago’s legendary Vienna Beef states on their website:

And be forewarned – if you ask for ketchup, you’d better be under the age of twelve.

Or in the case of Hannity, at least have the intelligence and maturity level of someone under 12.

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Pitchfork Reviews the Cheap Bottle of Wine I Drank Last Night – Blackstone Pinot Noir 2007

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 9th, 2009

ellusive, yet vibrant...

ellusive, yet vibrant...

Blackstone Winery:  2007 Pinot Noir – 7.3

For its price, this bottle contains more interesting complications than I am capable of harnessing in the limited space provided.  Despite the cloudy threads that crisscross this vintage, Blackstone sends out some supremely positive vibes. The first two glasses stand out as impressive tangents that skillfully mediate the rest of the bottle’s oldtime tannins.

Drinking this wine is not unlike taking a lazy, yet unpredictable river jaunt with Dennis Hopper’s character in Apocalypse Now.

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Ms. California has an opinion!

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 9th, 2009


The liberal outrage over Ms. California’s opposition to gay marriage is absolutely ridiculous.  This is exactly the kind of  manufactured controversy “the right” constantly uses in order to obfuscate and deter substantive debate on real issues (see Obama re: arugula, bowling, condiments…).  Who the fuck cares what some Barbie thinks about “opposite marriage?”  Also, now she’s getting chastised for this tasty photo she took back in the day:



So this photo is supposed to make her some sort of hypocrite?  The hypocrisy lies with that pageant. 50 waifs with fake tits dance around in slutty outfits and bikinis (not a bad thing) for 2 hours glorifying female objectification and then you’re going to sandbag them with questions about Prop 8 and Iraq like they’re running for fucking office?  

Perez Hilton and all the other douchebags who won’t let this go need a fucking reality check.  I don’t agree with her opinion either.  Who cares. Let it go.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]