Archive for August, 2009

KFC Joins Healthcare Debate

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 28th, 2009

I'll take two.

I'll take two.

Evidently, KFC was not content leading the culinary world in fast-food-bowl technology.  They now offer something for the carb-conscious fat-ass in all of us.
KFC is now offering a “sandwich” which consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. That’s right, fried chicken as a bun instead of bread.

According to Fox News, the “sandwich” is being test-marketed in only two areas so far, Rhode Island and Nebraska.

KFC’s competitors will not sit idly by while the Colonel corners the market on meat-bun treats.  Expect these products to soon be offered to obese Americans everywhere:

 McDonald’s Big Mac-Nugget:  Tired of using both hands to eat your Big Mac?  McDonald’s will take the sandwich, process it, and deep fry it with extra trans-fat!  Served with a BBQ, Honey Mustard, or extra Special Sauce for dipping.

Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twist Pork Rinds:  Calling all diabetics!  Get after it.

Hardee’s “Omaha” Burger1/2 pound burger between two chicken-fried steaks and topped with sausage gravy. Served with a side of maple syrup and a 1/2 ounce of self-respect.

Culver’s Fried Lard Curds:  Nature’s miscarriage.

Wendy’s TatoTurDucken:  The Red-Head takes her traditional bacon-cheese baked potato, stuffs it in a chicken, then a duck, then a turkey.  Deep fried and served with a pint of sour cream. Fork and knife optional.  Take it “to go” if no one is sitting in the passenger seat.

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Greenwald: Thomas Paine v. The Right’s Torture Defenders

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 27th, 2009

My favorite blogger (other than riproarious  + poorluckyme, of course) is Glenn Greenwald.  I was ready to give my DNOTW  to NY Rep. Peter King for his ridiculous name-calling and fear-mongering regarding Holder’s decision to investigate war crimes. Greenwald does it with 1/2 the sarcasm and triple the substance. Bless him. I’ll post in full:


GOP Congressman Peter King — the ranking member of the House Homeland Security Committee — had this rancid outburst today in Politico regarding Eric Holder’s decision to investigate whether laws were broken by the Bush administration’s torture:

“It’s bullshit. It’s disgraceful. You wonder which side they’re on. [It's' a] declaration of war against the CIA, and against common sense. . . . When Holder was talking about being ‘shocked’ [before the report's release], I thought they were going to have cutting guys’ fingers off or something — or that they actually used the power drill. . . ”

Pressed on whether interrogators had actually broken the law, King said he didn’t think the Geneva Convention “applies to terrorists.”

Never mind that the Supreme Court in Hamdan ruled exactly the opposite:  that Common Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions applies to all detainees, including accused Terrorists.  Never mind that the War Crimes Act makes it a felony to inflict “prolonged mental harm caused by or resulting from . . . the threat of imminent death; or the threat that another person will imminently be subjected to death, severe physical pain or suffering. . . .”  and that these acts are therefore criminal whether or not King likes them.

Never mind that scores of people have died — not merely been threatened with death — in American custody as a result of “interrogation tactics.”  Never mind that Ronald Reagan signed the Convention Against Torture which compels the U.S. to prosecute anyone authorizing torture; that the Treaty proclaims that “no exceptional circumstances whatsoever . . . may be invoked as a justification of torture”; and that Reagan himself said the Treaty “will clearly express United States opposition to torture, an abhorrent practice unfortunately still prevalent in the world today.”  And most of all, never mind that King has no idea whether these people are actually “terrorists” because the people we tortured were never given trials, never proven to have done anything wrong, and in many cases were — as federal courts have repeatedly found and as the CIA IG Report itself recognized — completely innocent. 

My email inbox and comment section are filled with King-like accusatory sentiments that to oppose Torture is to defend Terrorists, because Terrorists deserve to be tortured, and that to oppose their abuse is to be treasonous because it’s terrible to care if Terrorists are abused, etc. etc.  In his 1795 essay, which he entitled Dissertations on First Principles of Government, Thomas Paine wrote this as his last paragraph:

An avidity to punish is always dangerous to liberty. It leads men to stretch, to misinterpret, and to misapply even the best of laws. He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself.

Can that be any clearer?  Of course, Paine also wrote in Common Sense that “so far as we approve of monarchy, that in America the law is king” and “in free countries the law ought to be king; and there ought to be no other.”  And in his Dissertations, he also wrote:

The executive is not invested with the power of deliberating whether it shall act or not; it has no discretionary authority in the case; for it can act no other thing than what the laws decree, and it is obliged to act conformably thereto. . . .

For anyone who believes in the basic principles of the founding, the fact that these acts of torture are illegal — felonies — ought to end the discussion about whether they were justified.

Few things are more repellent than watching the contemporary Right in America invoke the principles of the Founders — in general — to justify their warped and lawless authoritarianism.  But nothing is more repulsive than watching them pretend that Thomas Paine — of all people — has anything to do with them (Glenn Beck actually wrote his most recent book based on the explicit pretense that he is the modern day Paine).  Any casual reading of Paine makes clear that, today, he would be so far on what is deemed the “left” side of the spectrum that you’d be unable to find him.  Paine is nothing but what Joe Klein refers to as a “crazy civil liberties absolutist” and what Rush Limbaugh similarly calls ”far, fringe, lunatic kooks, far left radical lunatic fringe.” 

The Right today argues that condemning torture is wrong because the people who were tortured were just Terrorists — barely human — and they deserve no defense, not even the force of law.  Thomas Paine argued as a first principle that those devoted to liberty “must guard even his enemy from oppression.”  Could the contrast be any more stark?


UPDATE:  The version of the IG Report released yesterday was heavily, heavily redacted.  It is now being reported that several of the redacted provisions detailed at least some of the deaths of detainees at the hands of their U.S. captors, while other detainees were simply “lost.”

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Gratuitous Balls – 2009 College Football Preview!

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

With the exception of NASCAR and anything Boston-related, nothing brings out the “asshole” in sports fans quite like college football. Here we go:

images1. TEXAS:  Until the Texas GOP gets its wish to secede from America, Austin will still be one of this country’s great cities, and the Longhorns will be one of America’s best college football teams.  A potent offense will score a ton of points. The cheerleaders will have very white teeth. And a garbage non-conference schedule should help UT get to the BCS title game.

2. FLORIDA:  If Jesus had an awkward, slow release, he could call himself Tim Tebow.  While Tebow’s hype is surely overblown, this team is prime.  Their defense is downright scary – on and off the field.  Prediction? 13-1,  4 felonies, 7 misdemeanors.

3. OKLAHOMA:  They lost a lot of players on the offensive side of the ball, but still have the NCAA’s best quarterback.  Also, Gerald McCoy is a monster DT who can dominate a game like Tommie Harris does (2 games a year).  The Garfunkel of the BCS should be back in the mix again.

4. OLE MISS:  Before Steve Spurrier was a pussy, he was right.  Tebow is not the SEC’s best QB.  Jevan Snead has NFL written all over him.  And Mississippians are pumped.  Who needs a good public school system when you have college football?  They get Alabama at home this year in a much anticipated battle to see whose fans speak the most unintelligible English.




5. OHIO STATE:  Let’s be honest.  Yet again, the Big 10 is a shell of itself . However, the Buckeyes should be good enough to get embarrassed in January.  Prediction? #5 in football.  #1 in meathead-to-tolerable fan-ratio.

6. USC:  This may be the year the Trojans struggle. Lots of new players + tougher schedule: @Ohio State, @ Cal, @Oregon.  However, I’m not sure if I’m buying it. They were the best team in football at the end of last season.  Matt Barkley or Aaron Corp will be the next SC quarterback to develop NFL-talent and a scorching case of herpes.

7. OREGON:  New coach. Same awful uniforms.  If the Ducks can stop someone, they’ll be dangerous. Fantastic RB LaGarette Blount was suspended in the winter for “failure to fulfill team obligations,” like missing his turn to bring the orange wedges + juice boxes to practice, and  making a pass at teammate Andre Crenshaw’s mother.

breaking hearts

breaking hearts.

8. ALABAMA:  Successful carpetbagging-asshole Nick Saban should have a kick-ass defense, although the Mormon Utes had no problems solving the vaunted SEC squad in the Sugar Bowl.  Julio Jones? He’s good.  Alabama gets $1.66 in federal dollars for every $1 it pays in federal income tax.  90% of this is spent on Alabama football. Roll Tide.

9. VIRGINIA TECH:   Good team, average conference, sweet gimmicks.  Virginia Tech has a great defense, but will be limited by over-hyped QB Tyrod Taylor.  Pre-Season Award Season: Coach Frank Beamer wins the award for Coach who most resembles his school’s mascot.





10. OKLAHOMA STATE:  Consummate douchebag Mike Gundy has not found a local reporter to scapegoat this season, but has found a real good offense.  Zac Robinson to Dez Bryant. A lot.

11. PENN STATE:  Despite the sleepy 1st half against USC, Penn State’s 2008 squad was its best team in awhile. 2009 should be good as well.  With a strong supply of linebackers and “Oops-i-crapped-my-pants,” Joe Pa should be able to stay on the sidelines and in the Big 10 race.

12. LSU:  Les Miles had a down year, but he’s a solid coach.  In a conference that has dominant defenses and some overrated offensive squads, LSU and RB Charles Scott should put up some points.  Weakness? They seem to be lacking an impact Cajun.  I may be wrong.

13. FLORIDA STATE:  Dabgummit, Seminoles should win a lot of games they won’t forfeit for at least a couple years.  Preseason Award Season:  Most annoying fight-song:  #2 = FSU (#1 = USC)

14. BOISE STATE:  With the exception of Ron Paul cutting the ribbon on a new Twin Falls’ strip mall, nothing excites the state of Idaho quite like Boise State football.  The team only plays a couple real teams all season, but that doesn’t keep the potato-eating  fuckers from convincing themselves they’re a top-tier team deserving of a mandatory BCS bid. Nothing much should change this year.




15: GEORGIA:  Always hyped, talented, and ultimately disappointing, the Bulldogs of 2009 promise much of the same.  The girls of Athens, however, are appropriately hyped, and very very talented. mmmmmmm…

16. GEORGIA TECH: Compared to their instate rivals, the coeds are less talented, yet the running back is much more promising.  Jonathan Dwyer could get close to 2,000 yards if things break his way.  If their front-7 comes to play, these nerds may get the better of the “cooler” Bulldogs on November 28th.  Go Nerds! No On 15!

17. MICHIGAN STATE:  The Spartans and their homoerotic mascot should be one of the Big 10′s few bright spots this season.  Look for them to put  a slight dent in the insufferable Irish coverage by handing Notre Dame its first loss on Sept. 19.

18. CAL: They have a bad QB, but do have my favorite player in college football – RB Jahvid Best.  I’m sure you’re happy for me.  Cal’s athletic department is lucky.  Even the Berkeley hippies like Best enough to get out of their trees and let the school build a goddamn practice facility.

19. UTAH: Utah football may be the least strange thing about the state.  If they can find a QB, the nation may end up paying attention to them at some point.

20. CINCINNATI:  Someone has to be the “tallest midget” in the Big East. This year it should be the Bearcats.  Like the Queen City’s racist cops, this team can punish the opposition on offense.

Sparty thinks 2009 might be "fabulous!"

Sparty thinks 2009 might be "fabulous!"

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Tyrant Cuts Taxes For 98% Of American Workers

Posted by Matt on Monday, August 17th, 2009

People forget 37% of the Stimulus bill came in the form of tax cuts.  I have no idea why the President and his crew have been seemingly reluctant to highlight this fact.  Luckily, Nate Silver breaks it down:

Let’s take a look at the tax cuts contained in the stimulus package in a little bit more detail. First is the Making Work Pay tax credit. As I mentioned, this applies to single filers making less than $95,000 and joint filers making less than $190,000. Using the IRS tax tables that I linked to earlier, this means that about 102 million taxpayers, or about 92.4 percent of “working” tax filers, will be eligible for the credit.

Then there’s the AMT reduction. The Tax Policy Center has helpfully estimated the percentage of Americans who are subject to the AMT by income bracket. For instance, about 79.2 percent of earners between $100,000 and $200,000 should be subject to the AMT by this time, according to estimates that the Tax Policy Center put together a couple of years ago. All told, this works out to about 24 million tax filers according to the estimates that I linked to above, or 26 million according to newer (but unfortunately much less detailed) estimates. If we perform this calculation for each income bracket based on the 24 million figure, this includes about 6.8 million tax filers who are not eligible for the Making Work Pay tax credit.

So as the lies, hate, violence and dangerous behavior  continue to gather steam on the Right, some facts still remain.  Why Obama does not tout this information to combat some of the crazed fury is beyond me.  Maybe bringing reason to the debate is an act of futility.




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THE P.A.S.T.E.Y. AWARD! (v. 2.0)

Posted by Matt on Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

Background:  Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.




Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY II goes to:





  Hailing from the pastey-friendly state of Oklahoma, this hard-nosed wide receiver catches lots of passes and withstands considerable punishment for the New England Patriots.


  Among other great achievements for white wide receivers, Welker is one of only two players in NFL history to ever have converted a field goal, converted an extra point, recorded a tackle, and fielded a punt and kickoff return all in the same game.  If that sounds like an arbitrary distinction to you, kiss my white ass. 

Welker’s game benefits from his perseverance – he was only offered



one scholarship and not drafted when he came out in ’04. It’s possible that playing with one of the NFL’s all-time best QBs may help as well. Anything is possible. Now Wes is often mentioned as among the game’s best receivers.

So Congrats, Wes. This PASTEY is for you.

Whiteness:  Chalk.

Facial Hair:  Amorphous.

Quote:  “After making a first impression so strong he received one of the team’s awards for dedication to the off-season conditioning program, Welker has endeared himself to coach Bill Belichick with a scrappy toughness in the live situations. He has made highlight films with crack-back blocks in the running game. This is how one fits into the Patriots’ culture.” Jarrett Bell, USA Today.

Interview-Style:  Cliche-Driven.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Twilight Sad

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 14th, 2009

300x300  The Twilight Sad – Killed My Parents and Hit the Road

An album with a medium-deep ruby purple color and a long finish.

Grade: B

Listen to this while:   Trimming your sideburns.


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Coach Caught Diddling, Invokes 9/11.

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 14th, 2009

Rick Pitino is a really good basketball coach.  He is a great recruiter and real solid game coach.  He is also an ego-maniacal asshole.  This week brought us a rather creepy tale  of the greaseball’s philandering:

The woman accused of trying to extort Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino approached him in a restaurant six years ago, and the two had sex later that night, the coach told police. Two weeks after they met, the married father of five gave her $3,000 after she said she needed an abortion and didn’t have health insurance.

Pitino told police he had been drinking at the restaurant and had consensual sex with Karen Sypher in August 2003 at a table near the bar. The police report said the 56-year-old coach denied Sypher’s allegations that he raped her after the restaurant closed and at another time somewhere else.

The university’s president expressed surprise at new details in the scandal surrounding the coach, whose contract includes dishonesty and “moral depravity” as grounds for firing.

There is a vocal pro-fetus community in Kentucky, which helped prompt Pitino to subsequently deny the $3,000 was for an abortion.  Sure.  However, it doesn’t really matter. Pitino wins too many games to get fired over this.

Pitino issued an apology yesterday.

There’s two things besides my apology to the university, most in particular Tom Jurich and Dr. Ramsey, who have been very strong with me throughout this period.  My extended family, which is all the fans.  You know, I came here during a very difficult time, when 9/11 hit, you needed a community to get you over it.  In New York City, it was easy, because everybody knew the devastation of that and they got each other over it.

In Louisville, the impact obviously wasn’t felt like New York City but I needed this community to help me get over it.  And the university officials, my friends and loved ones helped me get through this difficult time.  I will continue to cooperate with the authorities as I have with day one.  I believe in the judicial system and I will not comment on that.  I hope that the trial comes quickly and we can do what all of you should have been doing during this time, is celebrating a Big East Championship, a wonderful season where we once again finished in the Elite Eight, with very dedicated players who paid the price to reach that pinnacle.

"40 minutes of Hell" becomes "40 seconds, don't tell."

"40 minutes of Hell" becomes "40 seconds, don't tell."

Pitino is so slick he can transition from mourning 9/11 to listing his team’s achievements in the matter of seconds.  I don’t deny 9/11 impacted Pitino.  Apparently, his brother-in-law died in the attack.  However, to invoke a national tragedy in comparison to the exposure of his adultery is insulting and asinine.

Also, if anyone knows any other restaurants Pitino frequents, please do your public service and disclose said establishment.  I’m contemplating a 6-month moratorium on dining in any Italian restaurants.  Pitino has range.



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Gratuitous Video: Dancing!

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 14th, 2009

Drug use has many side-effects, including fun.  Please see below.

I’m also a big fan of the dude in the KISS shirt.  Looks like he came back from a strained ACL to give it a go. What heart!

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Dirty Projectors

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 13th, 2009

200px-DirtyProjectors-BitteOrca  The Dirty Prjectors – Bitte Orca

  The album has odd notes all over the place - peppery, and a bit watery.

  Grade:  C


  Listen to this while:   trying to annoy someone who is reading the paper on a Sunday morning.

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Douchenozzle Of The Week

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Douchenozzle - let me count the ways.

Douchenozzle - let me count the ways.

I’m a huge Cubs fan. I’m also a huge Cubs fan that despises a lot of the “fans” that show up to Wrigley Field on a typical evening.  Case in point, this tool (above) took it upon himself to pour his $8 beer on Phillies’ CF Shane Victorino during last night’s Phillies’ rout.

Wrigley security ejected the wrong guy – the guy on the right who looks like the fat, asthmatic chipmunk.  However, today the Cubs and Victorino filed a report with the Chicago Police Department.  The CPD is now looking for this douchenozzle, and hopefully he’s found.

The bleachers at Wrigley can be a great place to watch a game.  Lately, not so much.  I thought bleacher d-bags were losing interest in the recent tradition of tossing trash on the field after a bad call or tough break late in a game.  This invariably results in a 15-minute delay where the grounds crew has to come clear the warning track of garbage.  And oh yeah, trash that was not tossed during the initial tantrum then gets thrown at the ground crew.  Class all-around.

This douchenozzle maintains this tradition.   To paraphrase WSCR host Dan Bernstein,  you know you’re an asshole when the guy in the blue Fukudome-headband is giving you the “what-the-fuck?!” look.  And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but while we’re on the subject, what’s up with adult white guys wearing slightly-off-center caps? Wipe that stupid grin off your face.  You look like a fucking asshole.

Anyone who knows this douchenozzle, please let him know he’s a fucker.  Then call the cops.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]