With the exception of NASCAR and anything Boston-related, nothing brings out the “asshole” in sports fans quite like college football. Here we go:
1. TEXAS: Until the Texas GOP gets its wish to secede from America, Austin will still be one of this country’s great cities, and the Longhorns will be one of America’s best college football teams. A potent offense will score a ton of points. The cheerleaders will have very white teeth. And a garbage non-conference schedule should help UT get to the BCS title game.
2. FLORIDA: If Jesus had an awkward, slow release, he could call himself Tim Tebow. While Tebow’s hype is surely overblown, this team is prime. Their defense is downright scary – on and off the field. Prediction? 13-1, 4 felonies, 7 misdemeanors.
3. OKLAHOMA: They lost a lot of players on the offensive side of the ball, but still have the NCAA’s best quarterback. Also, Gerald McCoy is a monster DT who can dominate a game like Tommie Harris does (2 games a year). The Garfunkel of the BCS should be back in the mix again.
4. OLE MISS: Before Steve Spurrier was a pussy, he was right. Tebow is not the SEC’s best QB. Jevan Snead has NFL written all over him. And Mississippians are pumped. Who needs a good public school system when you have college football? They get Alabama at home this year in a much anticipated battle to see whose fans speak the most unintelligible English.
5. OHIO STATE: Let’s be honest. Yet again, the Big 10 is a shell of itself . However, the Buckeyes should be good enough to get embarrassed in January. Prediction? #5 in football. #1 in meathead-to-tolerable fan-ratio.
6. USC: This may be the year the Trojans struggle. Lots of new players + tougher schedule: @Ohio State, @ Cal, @Oregon. However, I’m not sure if I’m buying it. They were the best team in football at the end of last season. Matt Barkley or Aaron Corp will be the next SC quarterback to develop NFL-talent and a scorching case of herpes.
7. OREGON: New coach. Same awful uniforms. If the Ducks can stop someone, they’ll be dangerous. Fantastic RB LaGarette Blount was suspended in the winter for “failure to fulfill team obligations,” like missing his turn to bring the orange wedges + juice boxes to practice, and making a pass at teammate Andre Crenshaw’s mother.
8. ALABAMA: Successful carpetbagging-asshole Nick Saban should have a kick-ass defense, although the Mormon Utes had no problems solving the vaunted SEC squad in the Sugar Bowl. Julio Jones? He’s good. Alabama gets $1.66 in federal dollars for every $1 it pays in federal income tax. 90% of this is spent on Alabama football. Roll Tide.
9. VIRGINIA TECH: Good team, average conference, sweet gimmicks. Virginia Tech has a great defense, but will be limited by over-hyped QB Tyrod Taylor. Pre-Season Award Season: Coach Frank Beamer wins the award for Coach who most resembles his school’s mascot.
10. OKLAHOMA STATE: Consummate douchebag Mike Gundy has not found a local reporter to scapegoat this season, but has found a real good offense. Zac Robinson to Dez Bryant. A lot.
11. PENN STATE: Despite the sleepy 1st half against USC, Penn State’s 2008 squad was its best team in awhile. 2009 should be good as well. With a strong supply of linebackers and “Oops-i-crapped-my-pants,” Joe Pa should be able to stay on the sidelines and in the Big 10 race.
12. LSU: Les Miles had a down year, but he’s a solid coach. In a conference that has dominant defenses and some overrated offensive squads, LSU and RB Charles Scott should put up some points. Weakness? They seem to be lacking an impact Cajun. I may be wrong.
13. FLORIDA STATE: Dabgummit, Seminoles should win a lot of games they won’t forfeit for at least a couple years. Preseason Award Season: Most annoying fight-song: #2 = FSU (#1 = USC)
14. BOISE STATE: With the exception of Ron Paul cutting the ribbon on a new Twin Falls’ strip mall, nothing excites the state of Idaho quite like Boise State football. The team only plays a couple real teams all season, but that doesn’t keep the potato-eating fuckers from convincing themselves they’re a top-tier team deserving of a mandatory BCS bid. Nothing much should change this year.
15: GEORGIA: Always hyped, talented, and ultimately disappointing, the Bulldogs of 2009 promise much of the same. The girls of Athens, however, are appropriately hyped, and very very talented. mmmmmmm…
16. GEORGIA TECH: Compared to their instate rivals, the coeds are less talented, yet the running back is much more promising. Jonathan Dwyer could get close to 2,000 yards if things break his way. If their front-7 comes to play, these nerds may get the better of the “cooler” Bulldogs on November 28th. Go Nerds! No On 15!
17. MICHIGAN STATE: The Spartans and their homoerotic mascot should be one of the Big 10′s few bright spots this season. Look for them to put a slight dent in the insufferable Irish coverage by handing Notre Dame its first loss on Sept. 19.
18. CAL: They have a bad QB, but do have my favorite player in college football – RB Jahvid Best. I’m sure you’re happy for me. Cal’s athletic department is lucky. Even the Berkeley hippies like Best enough to get out of their trees and let the school build a goddamn practice facility.
19. UTAH: Utah football may be the least strange thing about the state. If they can find a QB, the nation may end up paying attention to them at some point.
20. CINCINNATI: Someone has to be the “tallest midget” in the Big East. This year it should be the Bearcats. Like the Queen City’s racist cops, this team can punish the opposition on offense.
Sparty thinks 2009 might be "fabulous!"