Archive for November, 2009

ESPN Will Speculate the Hell Out Of THIS Story. Boo-yah!

Posted by Matt on Monday, November 30th, 2009

Yes, this Tiger Woods story is odd and mysterious.  Where was he going at 2:30 a.m.? (White Castle.)  Why did he lose control of his vehicle at such a low speed? (Listening to real emotional This American Life.)  What’s up with his hot wife?  (She’s pretty.)  Why did she go 5-Wood from such a short distance?  (No confidence in short irons.)

Certain media outlets like the National Enquirer and TMZ will speculate and look for dirt.  That’s what they do and I don’t think these organizations pretend to be legitimate news sources.  They’re good at it and the rest of the “legitimate” media is following their lead.

And ESPN’s Jason Sobel wants answers damnit.

…for perhaps the first time in his professional career, Tiger Woods needs to come clean.

It would be a bold move for a man who employs more spin doctors than your run-of-the-mill United States senator, but it would be the right one. Woods should hold a news conference sooner rather than later to tell his story, answer each question and volunteer every little detail – no matter how tawdry or mundane these facts may be.

This opinion is echoed by a cast of other writers at  They want answers about the one-car-accident and minor property damage. In fact, they say Tiger owes it to us.

I’m not implying I’m not curious about this incident.  I find it highly amusing.  I also understand why this is a big story. It has all the appropriate details:

1. Globally-renowned, Elite athlete.

2. Sassy, and perhaps cuckoo, Elite Scandinavian Wife.

Not Nordegren. Norde-great.

3. Rumors of Infidelity.

4. Car crash with blood.

5. Poor quality 911 tape.

6. The State of Florida (America’s Dong).


Kurkjian, Olney, Stark and most of the other ESPN talking heads did Bud Selig’s bidding over the last decade.  They refused to speculate on the steroid-use of stars even when it was laughably obvious that the McGwires and Sosas of the world were no longer human.  Even as positive steroid tests for guys like ARod and  Manny came to light, they were still skeptical regarding the prevalence of PEDs.

In fairness to Olney, he hasn’t been as bad as the others, but had this to say last summer:

My own standard as a journalist is that I won’t speculate, in print, on who does steroids and who doesn’t, at least without proof. I don’t think any news organization should.

Stark went from willfully ignorant to indignant some time around a year ago. He still has this to say:

Bonds, McGwire, Clemens and A-Rod must get into Hall of Fame.

Yes, according to the ESPN consensus, these cheaters must be celebrated and Tiger must tell us how his marriage is progressing.

Most of their baseball-steroid coverage focuses on how the story won’t go away as opposed to how these stars cheated by using illegal substances.   Their most egregious error is the 10+ years of deference they gave to Selig, the complicit clown most responsible for the abuse.

But God forbid they hold Tiger to the same standard (or lack thereof).  God forbid they hold off on speculation without proof.

Of course, while ESPN has limited PGA coverage (particularly for bigger events) I’m pretty sure they’re still doing Monday, Wednesday and Sunday Night baseball 6 months a year.  Is that the point? Probably.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Drummer

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 28th, 2009

Drummer – Feel Good Together

This album’s vines work very hard to give us vibrant flavor.

Grade:  B+

Listen to this while: riding in a wood-paneled station wagon and facing the back window.

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Holiday Spirit

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 28th, 2009

We know the Holiday Season is a source of stress for many people.  It can drive people to drink, or apparently get down with a ridiculous amount of narcotics.  However, please remember that being messed up is no excuse for acting like a violent asshole…unless you’re with family.

A Southeast Side woman who sought medical attention after ingesting illegal drugs was arrested Friday after she punched a paramedic who tried to help her and spat on a nurse at the hospital where she was taken, Chicago police said this morning.

Kimberly Jones, 40, of the 8000 block of South Burnham Avenue, was charged with aggravated battery to first aid personnel and possession of a controlled substance, both felonies, and misdemeanor battery.

About 5:30 p.m. Friday, police responded to a call of a suspicious person in the 2500 block of East 72nd Street and stopped Jones. Jones told the officers she was having breathing problems after ingesting the drugs, police said, prompting the officers to call for paramedics who tried to give her medical attention.

As Jones was being interviewed by a 33-year-old male paramedic, she punched him in the face for no apparent reason, police alleged. They said she was then restrained and taken to South Shore Hospital, where she continued her combative behavior, and even spat in the face of a 38-year-old male nurse.

Police said they also found a small amount of drugs on Jones. She was treated and released from the hospital and taken into police custody.

Keep it classy, Kimberly.  But here’s some advice…

Next time you’re going to assault a public servant, you should aim a little higher.  Both Stroger and Daley could be due for an improvised minor assault from a drugged up Chicagoan.  Get high and aim higher.  See if they have the chops like this guy.

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Hey Canada – We Might Care

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 28th, 2009

Amy Goodman is best known as the host of Democracy Now! She is well-respected in progressive circles for actually practicing investigative journalism in an era where her peers try just hard enough to get a good seat at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

While she is no friend of the American Establishment (on either side), she recently discovered her real enemies.  Ironically, they’re Canadians.

U.S. journalist Amy Goodman said she was stopped at a Canadian border crossing south of Vancouver on Wednesday and questioned for 90 minutes by authorities concerned she was coming to Canada to speak against the Olympics.

Goodman says Canadian Border Services Agency officials ultimately allowed her to enter Canada but returned her passport with a document demanding she leave the country within 48 hours.

Goodman, 52, known for her views opposing the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, told CBC News on Thursday that Canadian border agents asked her repeatedly what subjects she would cover at scheduled speaking engagements in Vancouver and Victoria.

Goodman said she told them she planned to speak about the debate over U.S. health care reform and the wars in Asia.

After much questioning, Goodman said the officials finally asked if she would be speaking about the 2010 Olympics.

“He made it clear by saying, ‘What about the Olympics?’” said Goodman. “And I said, ‘You mean when President Obama went to Copenhagen to push for the Olympics in Chicago?’”

“He said, ‘No. I am talking about the Olympics here in 2010.’ I said, ‘Oh I hadn’t thought of that,’” said Goodman.

“He said, ‘You’re saying you’re not talking about the Olympics?’”

He was clearly incredulous that I wasn’t going to be talking about the Olympics. He didn’t believe me,” Goodman said

Turns out, the Canadian’s fears were not unfounded.  Gratuitous World has obtained text of Goodman’s original speech:

Ladies & Gentlemen, Malamutes, good evening…My name is Amy Goodman and I want to talk to you about the greatest fundamental threat facing the Northern Hemisphere:  the 2010 Winter Olympics.

For years the Canadian people have passively gone about their business: drinking, providing health care to their countrymen, and proudly sewing Canadian flag patches on their backpacks.  This has all been in preparation for the 2010 Vancouver Games.

You  may be thinking, ‘What are you, nuts? I didn’t even know they still did the Winter Olympics.” I understand that sentiment.  Besides, any competition dominated by Norwegians can’t be legitimate, can it?  I mean, if there’s not an underage Chinese gymnast, should we really care?

This is exactly what the Canadians want you to think.  For years, they’ve been putting us at ease with boring exports like Keanu Reeves and the Bare Naked Ladies.  Then they get you up to Vancouver for some weed, salmon, and ice dancing and it’s all over.  Goodbye Toby Keith and American Radio.   Hello 24 hours of Avril Levigne singing ‘O Canada’ interspersed with LaBatts ads.

Axis Of Eh-Vil.

How will it all change? This brings me to the most specific Olympic threat to our way of life – “Curling.”  This hypnotic, non-athletic activity is poised to enslave people from Juneau to Omsk.

What do you need to be an curler?   Only a thick broom, steady hand and collegial attitude. Not steroids.  Not freak athletic ability.  Not a creepy, over-bearing coach from Eastern Europe.

What kind of example is this for the millions of obese American youngsters?  Instead of studying, or at least figuring out how to hack computers for more intrusive ways to deliver porn, America’s obese youth are going to begin thinking they can all be Olympians.  Carl Lewis, Michael Phelps, and now that fat 12 year-old down the street from you who wears Husky Jeans (and eventually a Husky jean jacket).

Our society will be well-swept and our stones well-polished, but at what cost? Curling Leagues will replace bowling leagues.  Maple syrup will replace ketchup. Nike will drop LeBron and throw huge endorsement money to John Morris. The tipping point is Vancouver 2010.

We are at a crossroad, people.  The world is aboot to change. Which side are you on?

Be strong, Amy.  Down with Canadian tyrants.

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Gratuitous Video: Paula Deen Hit In Face With Ham

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

This hog gets vengeance from beyond the grave.

Paula may not create many tasty recipes, but she certainly seems like a “good sport” in this incident.  However, I can’t help thinking she deserved it.  Finally some retribution for abominations like this:

Exactly What It Looks Like

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Beautiful People [Update]

Posted by Matt on Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Like Millard Fillmore, Michael Bay, and the 2004 USA “Dream Team,” I have brought shame to America.

As you can read here,  I attempted to join an exclusive community of over 500,000 people. I put myself out there for the World and suffered international rejection.  Here’s the note from

Do you wish to apply again?

Dear [Me],

Unfortunately, your application to BeautifulPeople Network was not successful [emphasis theirs].

The members of BeautifulPeople did not find your profile application attractive enough this time round.

You are more than welcome to try again with a better picture of yourself.

To modify the content and picture in your profile and re-submit it for rating, simply follow these quick steps:

  • Open your Edit Profile Page:
  • Change your profile picture, and modify your profile text to make it more appealing to the voting members.
  • When you have completed modifying your profile, send it back to “rating” by clicking the “Vote me again” button below.
    Please note that continuously re-submitting your application for rating, without modifying your profile, will result in your removal from the Network altogether. We advise you to change your profile picture before re-submitting your application.

    Have you updated your profile?

    It’s clear this is the product of anti-American sentiment. “Better Picture?”  ”Make it more appealing?”  How dare they try to change me?!  Once my ego is mended, I’m getting back on the horse and taking it to a whole new level:

    you're how old?

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    Psalm Before The Storm?

    Posted by Matt on Friday, November 20th, 2009


    Damn right, you are.

    This week, a large number Conservatives began purchasing bumper stickers, t-shirts, and Starter Jackets adorned with Psalm 109:8 as a “prayer for Obama.”  It reads:

    May his days be few; may another take his office.”

    This seems innocuous enough.   I mean, it’s almost Christmas – you want to balance that political opposition with some practical biblicality before leaving the house.

    After all, Bumper Sticker Liberals slapped 1/20/09 all over their Subarus for the last 4 years.

    However, while certain people thrive on to taking quotes out of context, the snooping widow in me was curious to check out the following line. This reads:

    May his children be orphans, and his wife a widow.” (Psalm 109:9)

    Yikes. That just went from pious opposition to hateful desire.  Apparently, these Psalmericans don’t want to wait for the wheels of democracy to turn to 1/20/13.

    Some further background:

    Psalm 109 belongs to a special category of the psalms known as “imprecatory” prayers — it is a lament in the form of petition to destroy one’s enemies.  It is the personal prayer of an individual, someone who has been dealt an injustice by another (usually more powerful) person.  The words of Psalm 109 are those of deep agony, the longings of a victim for retribution and justice.  This psalm is considered one of the most difficult of all the psalms — full of violent images of vengeance and death.   Many a biblical critic has struggled with its words, and not a few — including Roman Catholic and mainline Protestant theologians — recommend it not be used in public worship, much less as a bumper-sticker political slogan.

    I guess it’s not surprising the people who have toiled through 10 months of oppressive Obama policies (such as the tax cuts for 98% of working Americans) maintain this ongoing feeling of victimization that so suddenly arose in January.

    Former evangelical activist Frank Schaeffer put into a little more perspective on Maddow’s show:

    The situation that I find genuinely frightening right now is that you have a ramping up of Biblical language, language from the anti-abortion movement, for instance, death panels and this sort of thing, and what it’s coalescing into is branding Obama as Hitler…as something foreign to our shores, we’re reminded of that he’s born in Kenya, as brown, as black, above all, as not us. He is Sarah Palin’s “not a real American.” But now it turns out that he joins the ranks of the unjust kings of ancient Israel, unjust rulers to which all these Biblical allusions are directed, who should be slaughtered, if not by God, then by just men. So there’s a direct parallel here with Timothy McVeigh’s t-shirt on the day of the Oklahoma City bombing in which he said the tree of liberty had to be watered occasionally by the blood of tyrants. And that quote we saw again at a meeting at which Obama was present being carried on a placard by someone carrying a loaded weapon.

    …This is serious business. It’s unAmerican, it’s unpatriotic and it goes to show that the religious right, the Republican far right, have coalesced into a group that truly wants revolution and if it turns out to be blood in the streets, so be it.

    Will someone please wake me up when these clowns get to one of the many parts of the Bible that condemns blind hate or extols selfless love?

    Hatred stirs up strife,
    but love covers all offenses
    .  Proverbs 10:12

    Bam. That’s some serious versing.

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    Multimedia Friday: People From Jersey

    Posted by Matt on Friday, November 20th, 2009

    A couple months ago, Don Paul Pro did a nice treatment to one of my posts.  I’ve been meaning to share.  Here you go:

    Original post here.


    Friday, yo.









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    Today’s Least Surprising Headline

    Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 19th, 2009

    Obese SC man dies after 8 months in home recliner

    Authorities say a severely overweight South Carolina man stayed in his recliner without moving for eight months until shortly before his death.

    Firefighters had to cut Tillmon Webb from the chair after his mother called paramedics because he was in pain. Greenwood County deputies say the 33-year-old weighed about 800 pounds when he died Wednesday at a hospital.

    Webb’s wife, Ada, says he died of a heart attack. She says the former preacher injured his knee in March and then stayed in his power recliner at home 70 miles west of Columbia. She says she cleaned the chair daily.

    Deputies say Webb had sores on his body and a “very bad odor.”

    Webb’s wife says he didn’t want help because he was ready to go to heaven and see Jesus. She says he weighed closer to 500 pounds.

    Hopefully Jesus didn’t have to carry the Late Mr. Webb past the threshold.

    In related news:


    We Get It.






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    Bears’ Fan Dangerously Shakespearean?

    Posted by Matt on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

    Cubs’ fans pour beer on players. White Sox fans beat up old first base coaches. Bulls’ fans love to text-message during games.   Bears’ fans?

    A Pittsburgh man said he’s gone blind and lost some of his memory since he accepted a drink from a Chicago Bears fan in a Michigan Avenue bar following the team’s victory over the Steelers.

    The drink was supposed to end a round of arguments between Steelers fans in town for the Sept. 20 game and Bears backers celebrating their team’s 17-14 win, Heddinger said in an interview with a Pittsburgh TV station.

    “They offered a drink as a peacemaker,” Heddinger told WTAE-TV Channel 4.

    Heddinger, who was with a group of friends at the game, fell ill after downing the drink, then later was rushed by ambulance to Rush University Medical Center, where he nearly died, relatives told the TV station.

    Later, his vision faded, along with parts of his memory.

    Chicago Police on Tuesday confirmed they are investigating a reported argument at Kitty O’Shea’s tavern between Bears fans and Steelers fans on the night of the game, but would say little else.

    A police source, though, said investigators are checking security cameras from the bar to see if any images show Heddinger’s drink being spiked.

    Despite oxygen treatments and other therapy, the 46-year-old Heddinger said he still remains largely blind.

    “I’ve basically been blind for two months,” he said in the TV interview, adding he doesn’t think anyone wanted to kill him.

    I don’t think they tried to kill me. I think they tried to hurt me, but the killing came pretty close, though,” he told the TV station.

    Dear God.  I can imagine this conversation:

    Bears Fan:  How fare the Steelers?  Not well on this day, I say.

    Steelers Fan:  Alas, the Super Bowl Champions be well, though the kicker less attractive.

    BF:  Let the devil wear black and gold, for I’ll have a suit of grizzlies.  O heavens! Hast thou not forgotten the Great “Sweetness” yet? Then there’s hope a great man’s memory may outlive his life half 20 years, ‘For, O! for,O!  Hast thou an O? Or has Shittsburgh forgotten?’

    SF:  Payton, aye. But you must take your coaches. Take Ditka. Begin, an overrated coach; pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin. Come; the Steel Curtain doth bellow for revenge.

    BF:  Whoa, whoa, guy.  I was just having a little fun with da sonnets and so forth.  You got somethin’ to fuckin’ say about Ditka?

    SF:  Listen man, I was just following your lead with the Old English and shit.

    BF:  I’ll shove some English up your fuggin’ ass.  You got a problem with Ditka?

    SF:  Not really.  But I mean, Chuck Noll, Cowher, and Tomlin have done a great job.  They won 6 Super Bowls.

    (Bears Fan stands up, red-faced.)

    BF:  ’85 Bears, motherfucker!!!

    SF:  Ok man, take it easy.  Yeah, that’s a great team.  I’m just saying I’d rather have 6 Championships.

    (Bears Fan puts arm around Steelers Fan.)

    BF:  Alright, alright. I’m just having fun with ya.  Let me buy you a drink, you Pennsylvanian douchebag.

    SF:  No really, I’m fine…It has been a long d-

    BF:  Take the fucking drink, guy.

    (They raise glasses.)

    SF:  Alas, to football!

    BF: For Ditka.

    Hopefully this guy gets his sight back.  Bears fans – you can be boisterous assholes without risking an attempted manslaughter charge.  That’s all I’m saying.

    Always classy.


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    Gratuitous World Blog

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        January 7, 2014

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