Archive for March, 2010

Childless Man Judges Parents

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

I can get behind broad brush hate of exotic pet owners. When will the actual owners reap what they sow…?

The mother of a child killed by a pet python is expected to attend a pretrial hearing in May as a judge pushes the manslaughter case forward, according to a report today in the (Leesburg) Daily Commercial.

Ashley Hare did not attend a pretrial Wednesday in Circuit Court in Sumter County.

Hare and her boyfriend, Charles Darnell, are charged with third-degree murder, manslaughter and child abuse in the July 1 death of 2-year-old Shaiunna Hare, who was asphyxiated by the 8 1/2-foot-long albino reptile.

The snake had previously escaped from its glass-tank enclosure.

The murder count and the manslaughter count, which accuses the couple of “reckless disregard,” each carry a maximum sentence of 15 years in prison. Hare and Darnell, who have another child together, have pleaded not guilty.

Darnell, who was not Shauinna’s father, also is facing unrelated drug charges.

What kind of graitification do people get by owning these kind of animals? It’s fucking deranged.  Whether it’s a chimp, a python, a puma, or a white rhino, what the hell do you expect? Um…I’m just going to get high and let the 8 foot snake stretch its scales and play with the kid.

When these idiots get put in the clink, I hope their cellmates are 10-foot albino pythons.

UPDATE: The State of Florida is the pits.

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Gratuitous Balls! 2010 MLB Preview

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

Did you google “gratuitous balls,” hoping to find an “upshort” shot of an overly tan 50-year old stretching himself on Coronado Island? Sorry, pal. We’re talking baseball. The Dominican pastime is back. Here’s GW’s 2010 MLB Preview:       

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL EAST       

1. Phillies: The Phils lost Cliff Lee, but added the MLB’s leader in wins, complete games, and shutouts over the last 8 years. And that was in the AL East. Barring a Halladay injury, such as a torn rotator cuff, or a lost eye caused by an errant (phriendly phire) battery thrown by a jackass Philly fan, the Phillies are the prohibitive NL favorite to reach their 3rd straight World Series.       

2. Marlins: I really like this team with the incredibly unlikable owner. 3 thru 6: Ramirez/Cantu/Uggla/Ross. Yes.       

3. Braves: Recently fired Chip Caray would’ve announced the shit out of the Braves’ decent slap-hitting line-up. “Swung on, belted…through the hole into left. Another single for Prado…” It’s been a long time, TBS. See you soon.       

Nationals' current 4-man rotation.

4. Mets: Only the Mets challenge the Cubs in the amounts of bad money they spend. Unfortunately, the Mets are in the better division. This team should hit better, but they may have more DL days than Runs Scored.       

5. Nationals: Strasburg: Prior or Sever? Kenny Powers? The Nats should be improved, but I can’t agree with the PECOTA projection of 82 Wins.  Despite some decent bats, this is an awful defensive team with a thin pitching staff.       

       

NL CENTRAL       

1. Cardinals: Like the first game after Tony LaRussa’s DUI, the opening day ‘Standing O’ for living-fraud Mark McGwire should be incredibly nauseating. The most pathetic fan-base in baseball will have a lot to cheer about until the next Cardinal player or coach hurts/kills himself or someone else in a drinking and driving accident. I’m putting it around the July 4th holiday.  As for the team on the field, I am not as sold a some others. Fortunately, they reside in a terrible division. Any injuries to the top-2 in the rotation means trouble. Also, if they’re expecting another amazing season from Ryan Franklin, I have a useless arch to hit you with.       

2. Cubs: The window might not be closed, but it’s certainly not open wide enough to clear out the stench of death. The team should score more runs, but will their pitching staff once again lead the NL in quality starts? I don’t know. Big Z is finally in shape and over his Venezuelan phobia of agua, so I’m expecting big things from him. But to expect Randy Welles and (an already injured) Ted Lilly to match their ’09 seasons is like expecting the vaguely offensive Fukudome souvenirs to disappear from Wrigley.       

3. Reds: Edinson Volquez is out until about the All-Star Break. Even so, this is a team with a real solid starting staff. However, they are managed my Dusty Baker (aka, “Throwing Arm Kryptonite”). As The Onion read, “Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman’s Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival.” At the end of the day, this is a team with an awful manager and (more importantly) a line-up that might have Willy Taveras and (Dusty favorite) Jerry Hairston Jr. hitting 1-2. Even in this division, that won’t cut it.       

Oh, Doug Davis...how Prince has missed you

4. Brewers:  With Fielder/Braun, the Crew will certainly score some runs. However, I keep reading how signing Randy Wolf + the Doug Davis-redux is going to improve a rotation with a real shaky 2 thru 5. Sorry Brewers fans, those signings do not make me tingle. In fact, backending Gallardo with Parra and Suppan (or Bush)? Dear God. That’s a terrible rotation. And I’m also assuming Trevor Hoffman’s arm doesn’t fall off at some point.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Prince puts up MVP numbers, but it will all be for nothing but to increase his FA value for a select couple of AL teams.      

5. Pirates: Baby steps. Will they break their streak of 17 straight losing season? No. Can they be better than a terrible Astros team? Sky’s the limit. And by sky, I mean “troposphere” – the 5th highest level of earth’s atmosphere.       

6. Astros: Is this the worst team in the NL? I don’t know. Does Roy Oswalt own a gigantic bulldozer?  New manager Brad Mills replaces the hated, yet overachieving Cecil Cooper.       

       

NL WEST       

1. Giants: I’m stepping out on this one. But after learning Tim Lincecum stuck to a pretty solid off-season weed regiment, everything seems to be lining up nicely for the Giants. Lincecum + Cain will be the NL’s best 1-2 punch at the top of the rotation (sorry, Cardinals fans. not really). Once GW favorite Freddy Sanchez returns from the DL, I expect (another GW favorite) manager Bruce Bochy to make a slightly-above-average lineup + solid bullpen work wonders for the Giants.       

2. Dodgers: Off-the-juice Manny wasn’t swinging quite so sweet after he came back from his ’09 suspension. I expect that to continue. While Kershaw + Billingsly are nice young arms, the strength is still in the bullpen with gigantic closer Jonathan Broxton. Expect the Dodgers to come in 2nd place – which is coincidentally the same place owner Frank McCourt should end up after his messy divorce proceedings.       

3. Rockies: This ranking is more a product of a pretty solid division. With Jeff Francis back, the Rockies’ staff could be very good, but I need to see Jiminez + DeLaRosa do it again. Also, I know Jim Tracy is supposed to be a solid manager, but if the weirdo is expecting Huston Street (sore shoulder) to put up another 35 for 37 saves, I’ll see him at Ted Haggard’s old Colorado Springs megachurch.       

4. Diamondbacks: Someday this potentially awesome line-up could potentially carry this team to a potential league title.       

5. Padres: Sell the goddamn team before you give away all your decent players to the fucking White Sox! Jesus Christo!       

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________      

AMERICAN LEAGUE

AL EAST [Note: Off-season baseball coverage is so over-saturated with the AL East, GW only allows 4-word max previews for this division.]       

1. Yankees: OK, we get it.       

2. Rays: Back to algorithmic projections.       

3. Red Sox: Has to be someone.       

4. Orioles: Buy the young talent.       

5. Blue Jays: Blow.       

       

AL CENTRAL       

1. Twins: Someone has to be the tallest-midget in baseball’s worst division. The change for the Twins will be the need for them to slug it out. Good line-up, average-at-best pitching. However, if Liriano gets back to form, they’re the clear favorite.  RIP Metrodome – It was always a joy watching the White Sox self-destruct inside your sterile, out-dated dome.       

2. White Sox: Due to a real solid 1-4 in the rotation, I was ready to swallow my contempt and place the White Sox atop the division. Then I read that Mark Kotsay was going to be batting 3rd against RH pitching. Hilarious. Good luck, douchebags.       

3. Tigers: This line-up is about as old and crusty as Jim Leyland. There’s really not much to like, but then again, it is the AL Central. If they can get anything out of Bonderman or Dontrelle Willis, anything is possible.       

slugrrrr

4. Royals: Desperately looking for a counter-punch to reigning AL Cy Young Zach Greinke, the answer might be in-house:       

Sluggerrr the Lion — the mascot for the Kansas City Royals — is accused of poking a fan’s eye out with a steaming hot wiener during a Major League Baseball game last year … and now the team is being sued over it.      

It’s all in a lawsuit filed in Jackson County, Missouri in which John Coomer claims he was just chillin’ at a game on September 8, 2009 — when Slugger “climbed atop the third base dugout and started shooting hotdogs into the stands from an air gun.”      

Coomer claims Slugger eventually put the air gun down — and started firing off the wieners by hand … when, according to the suit, things went horribly wrong.      

In the docs, Coomer claims “Slugger lost control of his throw or was reckless with his throw, and threw the hotdog directly into the Plaintiff.”      

Coomer claims the dog hit him right in his left eye — leaving him with a detached retina and the development of cataracts.      

Coomer is now suing the Royals for more than $25k for negligence and battery — claiming they “failed to adequately train its agents … in the proper method in which to throw hotdogs into the stands at Kauffman Stadium.”       

Raw talent. Just work on that arm-slot.       

5. Indians: Well Cleveland, at least you have LeBron (until about the All-Star Break).       

AL WEST      

1. Angels: My favorite manager sometimes seems to do it with smoke and mirrors. They’ll miss Chone Figgins, but I like the addition of Matsui to the heart of the line-up. This division should be tight, so I’ll take Mike Scioscia.      

2. Mariners: The team had a fantastic off-season (Figgins, Cliff Lee) until…. If it wasn’t for the Milton Bradley-factor, they would be the odds-on favorite. Lee/King Felix could be the best 1/2 in the AL. But Milton has already got run from a couple of pre-season games. It’s just a matter of time before the anti-lesbian Mariners’ fans are labeled as racist, and above all, anti-Milton.      

3. Rangers: A steadily improving team, but keep an eye on Ron Washington’s coke habit. The 57-yr old manager apparently tested positive for cocaine last season, so be on the lookout for the following: (1) frequent, unneccessary trips to the mound; (2) Rambling press conferences hypothesizing on the effectiveness of Ian Kinsler’s shoelaces; and, (3) Catcher Jarrod Saltimacchia throwing up his hands in frustration after failing to understand the signals rapidly fired from the dugout by a chain-smoking Washington.      

4. A’s: Jokeland.      

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________      

Playoff Projections: 

NL Wild Card: Cubs      

AL Wild Card:  Rays   

NL Champs: Phillies – Chase Utley, I would love to meet you someday, it would be great to have a catch.     

AL Champs: Rays      

World Series Champs:  Other than Marlins’ fans, no one deserves a World Series Championship less than Rays’ fans. But I’ll take Joe Maddon in a 2008 rematch. Rays in 7.      

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________      

AWARDS:   

NL MVPPrince Fielder, Brewers - MashMashMash      

NL CY YOUNG: Carlos Zambrano, Cubs – Big Z has been in the top-5 for Cy Young voting on 3 occasions. The crazy bastard finally breaks through!      

AL MVP:  Joe Mauer, Twins – Contract drama over, I see no reason why Mauer shouldn’t repeat as AL MVP. The guy is doing things unheard of for a catcher.     

AL CY YOUNGFelix Hernandez, Mariners – The best 2-pitch pitcher in baseball should dominate this season. Then he will best CC Sabathia in a torta-eating contest.     

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________     

Best Recent Baseball-Related SongThe Felice Brothers, “Cooperstown”      

Best Off-Season Arrest: Gerald Laird & Family -    

Last month Tigers catcher Gerald Laird and his 22-year-old Yankees prospect brother Brandon Laird were arrested while attending a Phoenix Suns game, with initial reports describing their “loud behavior” and how “the Laird brothers allegedly assaulted the security guards” who tried to calm them down.    

Gerald Laird insisted afterward that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but now the Arizona Republic has some further details. Chief among them is that the entire incident started when the Laird brothers’ 70-year-old grandfather allegedly touched the wife of Celtics player Eddie House “inappropriately” while they were all in the arena’s “lounge” area.    

According to the police report Brandon Laird then “shouted derogatory remarks toward House and other women at the lounge before taking a swing at one of the women.” He was charged with suspicion of misdemeanor disorderly conduct, while Gerald Laird was booked on suspicion of misdemeanor assault for allegedly “striking a security guard in the head from behind during the brawl.”    

So, to recap: Just about everyone in the entire Laird family showed up to a Suns-Celtics game drunk and then made their way to an in-arena bar for some more drinking, Grandpa tried to get fresh with an NBA player’s wife, Brandon got angry and turned the harassment level up a few notches, and Gerald sucker-punched a security officer once things got out of hand. Awesome.    

Jeter, huh? i'd get tested...

Worst Off-Season Move: Brewers’ erecting statue to Bud Selig. Hopefully they will erect a gigantic syringe as well…along with a giant duffel bag containing giant unmarked bills.    

Hottest Off-Season Acquisition: Minka Kelly.   

Best non-Ron Washington Drug StoryDock Ellis  

Worst Uniforms: Diamondbacks (D’Backs? C’mon). And what’s up with that awful dirty white? Looks like you soaked them in a coffee/bleach combo. You too, Padres. Bring back the old school poo-brown/bright yellow.    

Creepiest Manifestation of Over-the-top Narcissism: Alex Rodriguez:  

*shudder*

A former Rodriguez fling remembers seeing portraits of the slugger, 34, as a centaur hanging over his bed.  

“He was so vain,” his ex tells Us Weekly. “He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?”  

Adds the ex, “It was ridiculous.”  

Creepiest Manifestation of…Whatever The Hell is Going on Here: Sammy Sosa (see below):  

probably should've just gone with another minka kelly pic..

Enjoy the long long long season.

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FuckGate(s) 2010!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, March 25th, 2010

I use a solid amount of bad language. In particular, the word “fuck” can convey pretty much any emotion and be used as any part of speech. However, I don’t condone gratuitous swearing, particularly in front of kids or clergy. Children should learn swear words the same way I did, from their father while he is watching a sporting event after a couple martinis:

“Oh my God, this Larry Bird can fucking shoot…Honey, I think the kid needs some food.”

(1) Speaking of my family, Joe Biden closely resembles a member. I’ll leave it at that. On cue, he dropped a fairly predictable  f-bomb at the post-signing press conference for the health care bill. Leaning over to Obama, a mic picked up Uncle Joe saying, “This is a big fucking deal.”

This story is already worn. And regardless your opinion of health reform, we can all agree it’s a pretty big fucking deal.

(2) On an even more enjoyable note, Mike Florio wrote this in yesterday’s ProfootballTalk.com:

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups.  The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response:  “Shut the f–k up.”  Other players in the room then laughed.

Hey-o! For those non-sports-nerds who have never heard of the Wonderlic, it’s a test they give to NFL draft hopefuls. Tim Tebow, despite being an Academic All-American and the golden-boy of the Christian Home School Movement, scored a 21. Objectively, this is not good (worst among the top QB prospects). However, considering he was taught with only one Book, it’s pretty fucking brilliant.

Back to the story…Tebow is now staunchly denying this took place.

Not one single word of it is true,” Tebow told me.

Tebow has a very genuine and disarming way about him.  There’s an innocence and kindness in his voice that conflicts with the image of a highly successful college quarterback, who was arguably one of the best college football players of all time. 

He was nevertheless firm and resolute in his denial.

"Ahh...I know the answer to this one..."

“One of the number one things for me is being someone of character and when I say something people can take it to the bank,” Tebow said.  “That story is absolutely not true.”

Tebow then named several of the other players who were in the room, and he invited me to check his version with each of them.

Tebow explained that he said nothing to the group of roughly 100 players, and he said that he spoke only to BYU quarterback Max Hall.

After talking to Tebow, I immediately contacted the source for the story, who agreed with my assessment that Tebow is “the real deal.”  But the source didn’t back down.

It’s possible that Tebow made a comment intended for Hall that was overheard by another player, who then made a profane comment in response that was not heard by Tebow.  Still, Sexton told me in a follow-up e-mail that Tebow “never said anything remotely close” to what had been attributed to him.

We’ll keep digging on this one.  We’re confident that our source didn’t make it up, but we were impressed by Tebow’s willingness to reach out and explain his position.  Though I’m usually even more skeptical when someone tells me multiple times in a seven-minute conversation that he always tells the truth, when Tebow said it I believed it.

That said, there has to be a way to harmonize the two stories.  Tebow believes he’s telling the truth, and I believe our source.  We’ll keep after this one and report back when we have more.

Regardless, I’m looking forward to the resolution of this story; in particular, the identity of the guy who (allegedly) gave Tebow the long overdue STFU. He’ll be moving up my draft board. FuckGate 2010!!!

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Grown Man’s Letter to Celebrity: Sandra Bullock

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

Dear Ms. Bullock, 

Last night, I watched you perform as the sassy, virtuous Southern Belle in The Blindside. The movie was truly exceptional in its execution of Hollywood formula.  The young outsider with no place to go gets taken in by the Christ-like Paleface with the understanding husband, and the annoying young son (SPOILER!). Thuggish, deadbeat negroes. Racist, socialite cunts. The film had it all.  I can’t wait for the sequel, The Backstroke, when you inspire a poor black child to swim his way to gold. So long, Michael Phelps. Hello, D’Andre Phelps. 

I’ve seen many of your movies: Speed (“The Bus”), Speed 2 (“The Boat”), Miss Congeniality (“The Wha?”), A Time to Kill (“The South”), Crash (“The Bullshit”), and of course, The Net (“The Net”). While your filmography does not jump off the page, you’re kind of plainly cute and baselessly seem like a nice person. Like the band Spoon, or a decent turkey sandwich, you’re pleasantly palatable but usually forgettable. 

While I would never equate mimicry to acting, I don’t want to downplay your performance. It was good. You’re not Meryl Streep or Kate Winslet, but look at it this way, they’re not you. It’s almost impossible for a great actress to be “the girl next door.” Jodie Foster has a hick accent too, but she couldn’t star in The Mundane Adventures of Harmonious Jane (in development). And while Julia Roberts might be able to pull it off, she’s such a self-absorbed twat, would you really want to watch that? I know you agree with me. (Horseface, right? LOL!) 

Since I’m taking the time to write you, it’s a safe assumption your personal life concerns me. Let’s lay it out there: you’ve been in the news a lot lately. Apparently, you met some drifter outside of a Shoney’s near Tulsa, fell in love with his dirty boots, and married the gentleman. 

It's better to have fake loved and lost...

Your world was subsequently shattered when you discovered he had been sleeping with some slut with a crazy nickname. Hepatitis Jones, I believe. 

Now all you have is your fame, millions of dollars, recent critical acclaim, well-managed image, public sympathy, and most importantly, cause to divorce that deadbeat ferret whose best trait is his shared name with a legendary thief. 

Yesterday, I read you lost your shit at a family party. I’ve done that. No one should be subjected to the forced half-smile-nods of pity. “Oh, you’re having marital problems? Well…there are more fish in the sea. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. One in the hand is worth two in the-” 

Shut the fuck up, cousin Cindy. I’ll shove this goddamn sashimi in your ear! 

In the end, I was all set to hate on The Blindside. I knew about Michael Oher (badass tackle) and was assuming a sappy butchering of a pleasant story.  And while it was probably a sappy butchering, it was pleasantly done.  Kudos, Ms. Bullock. While I will likely never believe you deserve an Oscar for acting, any perceived future derision will (hopefully) be laced with heartfelt kindness. That is, until the release date of One of the Guys (2011). All the best. 

Sincerely, 

Grown Man

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Prophets & Profits

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

From The Economist:

IF YOU need an explanation as to why political discontent is so widespread on both sides of the Atlantic,

Growth.

take a look at figures compiled by Dhaval Joshi of the hedge fund RAB Capital. This recovery has benefited companies a lot and workers not at all.

In the US, Joshi calculates that, in cash terms, national income has risen $200 billion since the depths of the recession in March 2009. But corporate profits have risen by $280 billion over that period, while wages are down by $90 billion. One would have to go back to the 1950s to find profits outperforming wages in absolute (cash) terms, and even then it was on a much smaller scale. In Britain, national income rose $27 billion in the last two quarters of last year. Profits were up £24 billion and wages just £2 billion.

The latest issue has a piece on this puzzle; US productivity has outpaced European largely because the US has been quicker to sack workers. This is a decidedly mixed blessing. In theory, it is good for resources (inclduing labour) to be relloacted to more productive use. Thus it would be OK if the workers were quickly rehired by new, growing industries or if they were at least retrained, but there is little sign of such a positive development.  

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Premature Hyperventilation

Posted by Matt on Monday, March 22nd, 2010

When the Democrats finally get what they really want – “Womb-Stealing Gay Obama Zombies Who Prey On Pregnant Evangelical Blondes, Taking Their Righteous Spawn And Leaving Behind Only Real Time With Bill Maher DVDs” - Michael Steele is not going to be able to properly sound the alarm.

It looks like he already blew his rhetorical load all over Shepard Smith’s face:

RNC Chairman Michael Steele told Fox News anchor Shepard Smith today that he agreed with House Minority Leader John Boehner’s assertion that health care reform is akin to “Armageddon.”

Smith asked Steele, “Armageddon? Seriously?”

Steele: “Yes!”

Michael Bay directed. Michael Steele approved.

Added Steele,

“And let’s go FireNancyPelosi.com, baby!”

What’s the point? Civilization is over.

See video here!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

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King Knows Knationalism

Posted by Matt on Monday, March 22nd, 2010

We’ve long known Iowa Rep. Steve King is an epic gasbag. The Friend of the Teabagger had this to say in defense of his protesting brethren who directed insults of “nigger” and “faggot” at certain Democratic congressmen on the Hill yesterday.

I just don’t think it’s anything,” King said, emphasizing that the incidents were isolated. “There are a lot of places in this country that I couldn’t walk through. I wouldn’t live to get to the other end of it.”

Teaparty.org operator Dale Robertson, who also happened to be runner-up in Scripps' 1st Annual Teabagger Spelling Bee. Better luck next year, Dale! So close!

See that? No big deal. Just some isolated incidents. It doesn’t matter that this “movement” overtly (or at least passively) condones and supports such inflammatory and hateful rhetoric.  Lead on, Mr. King! And he did…later on when speaking to his minions:

“I just came down here,” said King, “so I could say to you, God bless you.”

“God bless you!” shouted one activist.

“We’re here whenever you need us!” said another activist, patting King on the back.

You are the awesome American people,” said King. “If I could start a country with a bunch of people, they’d be the folks who were standing with us the last few days. Let’s hope we don’t have to do that! Let’s beat that other side to a pulp! Let’s chase them down. There’s going to be a reckoning!” One by one, the people gathered outside the Capitol, who’d spent the day cheering and singing whenever Republicans appeared and egged them on, came to the realization that they’d been beaten in this round. They’d have to redouble their efforts.

“Real” America to the reckon.

Kids…as passive-aggressive calls for violence continue to spew forth, and selfish assholes (like the dude who killed a VietnamVet because he didn’t want to pay his taxes) are revered by idiots with false interpretations of “patriotism,” don’t forget the rules:

When democratically elected Republicans are in power, public opposition to their policies (such as peaceful protests over preemptive invasion of a foreign country), are labeled undermining and treasonous. When democratically elected Democrats pass legislation with which the GOP disagrees, veiled calls for insurrection + secession suddenly become patriotic displays of democratic opposition.  Them’s the rules.

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Irony: Self-Proclaimed “Libertarian” Tells You What Church to Attend

Posted by Matt on Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Glenn Beck makes a nice living alarming his followers with tales of the Progressive “infestation” of this country and their goal of intruding into every facet of your life, culminating in FEMA Internment and Bar Code Tramp Stamps.

In one breath he trumpets the Bill of Rights (he knows a couple), and in the next…he’s telling you to abandon your Church, Church Community, and personal beliefs

I beg you, look for the words ‘social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church web site,” Beck urged his audience. “If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes!

Social Justice?! What kind of diabolical Nazi Communist reacharound dogmatic bullshit is that?!  Social Justice? Pffffttt. In this next part, Beck demonstrates his uncanny ability to bastardize basic political theory and basic tenets of Christian beliefs, all in one breath.

Props Make It True! Props!!!

Later in the show, Beck held up cards with a hammer and sickle on one and a swastika on the other. He said communism and Nazis both have the same philosophy and in America “social justice” is the code word for both.

Today, Beck returned to the subject, insisting that the notion of social justice is “a perversion of the Gospel,” and “not what Jesus would say.”

(Insert sarcastic “Really?“)…”Hey Suzie, this Top-40 DJ on the teevee just told me Jesus wasn’t into helping people. Better cancel our soup kitchen shifts. While we’re at it, you won’t need to cut your hair for that “Locks of Love” donation.  We need to get into heaven to be with Whiskers, and I definitely don’t want to cross the Man Upstairs.”

Hey Jesus! Lay it down on this muthafuckin’ hateful heretical hypocrite…

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.” (Matthew 23:23)

Do it again!

“and He took the seven loaves and the fish; and giving thanks, He broke them and started giving them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people.” (Matthew 15:36)

Get Almighty and Drop it one more time…

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 37“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25: 34-40)

Beck is right. Someone is clearly perverting the teachings of Christ.

[Beck] went on to say that Americans should be skeptical of religious leaders who are “basing their religion on social justice,” and explained his fear that concern for social justice is a problem “infecting all” faith traditions.

Coincidentally, I posted this a few days ago relative to a different story…

The Catholic Church’s “Social Teaching Doctrine” based upon Pope Leo XIII’s 1891 encyclical letter Rerum Novarum emphasizes human dignity and commits Catholics to the welfare of others.

This isn’t just some random homily by some random priest. This is 100-yr old Church Doctrine. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to change/become Church Doctrine? They still teach sex within marriage should only be for the purpose of procreation.  And “Missionary-only,” as well (little known fact).

Is Beck telling people to quit the Catholic Church? If so, there might be some exploding heads in the devoutly-Catholic-Beck-fan branch of my family. How about Beck’s own (more modern) Mormon Church? Has it been infected with the plague of the Golden Rule?

Although they reject the Bible for the Book of Mormon (more pictures), some scholars weighed in:

Philip Barlow, the Arrington Professor of Mormon History and Culture at Utah State University, said: “One way to read the Book of Mormon is that it’s a vast tract on social justice. It’s ubiquitous in the Book of Mormon to have the prophetic figures, much like in the Hebrew Bible, calling out those who are insensitive to injustices.
A lot of Latter-day Saints would think that Beck was asking them to leave their own church.”

Try to save the hate for the Haters.

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Finally a Reason to Watch SNL

Posted by Matt on Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Void of a lot of talent and good writing, recent Saturday Night Live seasons have been pretty brutal.  Betty White to the rescue…

The 88-year-old actress, beloved by generations of TV fans, will host NBC‘s late-night veteran May 8. The Mother’s Day episode also will feature a reunion of six former female cast members, most of them moms: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer and Rachel Dratch.

Who knows, it could be a big diasappointment like last week’s Galifianakis episode (not his fault). Regardless, I am definitely a White Supremacist.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Frightened Rabbit

Posted by Matt on Thursday, March 11th, 2010

 Frightened Rabbit – The Winter of Mixed Drinks

 The intensity in the nose is good and it is a highly smokey vintage with a hint of flint, giving  this album a bouquet nearly as excellent as its predecessor.

 Grade:  A-

 Listen to this while: Sitting on a porch in the rain, waiting in vain for your retarded pet bird to return.

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Gratuitous World Blog

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