Archive for May, 2010

Today, We Are All Commemorative Wreaths

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

New Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych got ceremonial with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev in the beautiful May Crimean weather. Enjoy

Wreath say Ukraine is weak?!

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Never Go “Full War Hero”

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

Don't ask, he'll tell.

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Like Bills In The Mail…

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

"I am committed to preserving traditional marriage, the union of one man and one woman," said Souder.

…so is the reliable frequency of some Family Values “public servant” embroiled in a sex scandal.  Today’s winner? (IN-3) Puffy Rep. Mark Souder.

This one hits closer to home. My Old Lady grew up in this district, and I have spent a fair amount of time in North Central Indiana. It’s a nice place, currently suffering due to the collapse of the RV Industry and the disasterous Charlie Weiss era. But their elected representative has other priorities. Souder, a champion of abstinence education (of course) and “traditional family values” (naturally) issued this statement:

 Saying he “sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff,” Rep. Mark Souder, R-3rd, said Tuesday he will resign from Congress.”I am so ashamed to have hurt those I love,” he said. “I am so sorry to have let so many friends down, people who have fought so hard for me.”

So he could have ended there and respectably taken responsibility for his actions. But that’s not gonna happen…

In the poisonous environment of Washington, D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain. I am resigning rather than to put my family through that painful, drawn-out process.”

Oh, DC. How your lobbyists, steakhouses, and phallic monuments force me to fuck my not-wife.

So here’s a clip of Souder pimping abstinence education with a his own version of the ”condoms are for cowards” message. Pay close attention to interviewer. Why?

Tracy JAckson is the woman interviewing the sweaty Rep. about hot teen sex. Who’s Tracy Jackson? Well, she’s apparently the person with whom Souder has been getting “untraditional.” According to Legistorm, Jackson first came on Souder’s payroll in late 2004 with the title “Special Assistant/Communications.” I’m pretty sure that means tax-payer funded “special assistant.” But taking one look at Souder, I would venture to guess that wasn’t the first time he paid to get non-abstinent.

Regardless, it seems like there’s more to the story. GOP politicians have an uncanny ability to withstand (heterosexual) sex scandals, even when criminal behavior is involved, e.g. Mark Sanford, John Ensign, and David ‘diaper’ Vitter.  It seems odd that mere adultery would force such a quick-triggered resignation.

Fox News, which first reported the development, suggests that there may be ethical impropriety of some kind:

Multiple senior House sources indicated that the extent of the affair would have landed Souder before the House Ethics Committee.

The eight-term Indiana congressman has been married since 1974 and has three grown children.  Well done, good-looking.

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Hey Candyass – Listen Up And Vote For Me!

Posted by Matt on Monday, May 17th, 2010

I can’t get enough of Alabama’s GOP Primary. Check out this ad from Dale Peterson, who is running for Agriculture Cowboy, or something.

He is not happy. He does not like most things, including immigrants, Facebook, and speaking in a reassuring tone. And all you sucker Alabama residents better punch his number before he shoots you in the face or shatters your ear drums with his crazed fury.

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Michigan Finally Produces Superior Product

Posted by Matt on Monday, May 17th, 2010

Last year, I posted a defense  of evangelical Christian Porn Actress & former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, and her expressed opinion regarding “opposite marriage.” 

oh, dear god. all of them.

Well, Ms. USA is bringing the drama again, and some Conservatives are not happy. I guess it’s kind of understandable, considering the Right likes to draw their pundits and vice-presidential candidates from the phony mercenaries of the creepy beauty pageant circuit.

What’s the issue? Ms. USA is a (gaspsort-of-Muslim. And we’re at war.  The biscuit in question:

Rima Fakih, aka Miss Michigan, nabbed the coveted MisUSA crown on Sunday evening in Las Vegas at Planet Hollywood Resort Casino.

The 24-year-old Lebanese beauty is the first Arab-American to ever hold the title.

Frigid bitch Conservative columnist Debbie Schlussel is not happy, and her terror alert level is bordering on shit-herself-brown:

No, it’s not “just another beauty pageant.”  Donald Trump, Muslims (who mostly support Islamic terrorist groups, like Hezbollah, which features many of Fakih’s close relatives as top officials), and even Barack Obama will exploit this as propaganda for Islam.  Mark my word.  Hezbollah is laughing at us, tonight.  One of its auxiliary members won the Miss USA title without having to do a thing to denounce them and their bloody murder of hundreds of Americans, including the trampling/torture murder of Navy Diver Robert Dean Stethem aboard TWA flight 847, the 25th anniversary of which is next month.

So Fakih is now responsible for a terrorist attack that happened while she was in utero. And speaking of pregnancies, Michelle Malkin is not at all happy with the answer Fakih gave regarding contraception. Surprise! I would expect Limbaugh and the other haters to pile on as the story develops.

ATTENTION! No one really cares what spews from these girls’ mouths (usually breakfast). They are there to be objectified and fawned over by strange men sitting pantsless on their couches. Save your bigoted broadbrushing of the world’s 1-Billion(+) Muslims for some other misguided argument.  This girl is fucking smokin’. That’s the only thing that matters. GW Score? 10.

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

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Gratuitous Video: Newscaster Inappropriate

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 15th, 2010

While it’s certainly no Ernie Anastos, New Orleans’ ABC anchor Michael Hill does his best to keep it awkward…

You can almost hear the wheels turning in Hill’s head while the reporter is wrapping up – “don’t say ‘enjoying penis,’  don’t say ‘enjoying penis,’ don’t say ‘enjoying penis,’ SHIT!”

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Break Out The Plastic, It’s Dinner, Bulk Olives + $40 Cash Back!

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 15th, 2010

The U.S. Senate smells. But I have to give one ‘gold star’ for a recent assignment.

WASHINGTON — Retailers have begged Congress for years, in vain, to limit the fees they must pay to banks when customers swipe credit or debit cards. Bills never reached a vote. Amendments were left on the table. The Senate did not even grant the courtesy of a committee hearing.

That long record of futility ended in a landslide Thursday night. Sixty-four senators, including 17 Republicans, agreed to impose price controls on debit transactions over the furious objections of the beleaguered banking industry.

The amendment to the Senate’s sweeping financial legislation could save billions of dollars for family restaurants and dry cleaners, Wal-Mart and, and every other business whose customers increasingly pay with debit cards. It does not address credit card fees directly.

Consumers also could save money, particularly at businesses like grocery stores that compete on price. But some experts warned that lower profit margins could lead banks to curtail bank card reward programs.

oh, no. Now I’ll have to buy $75,000 worth of shit through Visa instead of $50,000 to qualify for that free Tuesday night red-eye flight to San Diego. Fuck off, Visa.

The Senate approved a series of amendments unfavorable to the banking industry over the last week, but this one was widely regarded as the most surprising. Meddling in dealings between businesses generally is anathema to Republicans and a relatively low priority for Democrats.

And this was not an easy vote. Lobbyists for the wounded but formidable banking industry made clear to some senators that this decision would affect future campaign donations, according to people who participated in those conversations.

But retailers mounted an unusually effective yearlong campaign to frame the issue as a chance for Congress to help small business. A leading trade group for chain retailers worked with small-business groups to make sure that every time a senator held a town hall meeting back home, a local business owner showed up to ask about card fees.

The industry also rode the support of Senator Richard J. Durbin, the Democratic whip, who wrote the amendment and pushed the sponsor of the banking overhaul bill, Senator Christopher J. Dodd of Connecticut, to allow a vote on the Senate floor.

The winning margin was provided by several conservative Republicans. Senator Johnny Isakson, Republican of Georgia, told SunTrust, the largest bank in his state, that this time he planned to vote against the bank and with Coca-Cola and Home Depot, two other Georgia companies that had lobbied him fiercely.

Last year businesses paid Visa and MasterCard $19.71 billion on debit card transactions, according to The Nilson Report, a trade magazine that is regarded as the best source of data on the industry. Visa and MasterCard in turn passed about 80 percent of the money, roughly $15.8 billion, to the banks that issued the cards.

The legislation directs the Fed to cap those fees at a level that is “reasonable and proportional” to the cost of processing transactions. The Nilson Report estimated that last year, fees averaged 1.63 percent of the transaction amount.

A second set of provisions applies to both credit and debit card transactions. Visa and MasterCard impose an all-or-nothing requirement on businesses, requiring them to accept cards even on small transactions, and prohibiting businesses from offering discounts based on the method of payment. The amendment strikes those rules.

If this bill gets through, it will be swell for consumers and businesses of all sizes. Unless your business is a gigantic bank (but don’t sweat it, your lobbyists still possess a career batting avg. of .954). Good job, Senator Durbin.

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The Coopster Still Has It

Posted by Matt on Friday, May 14th, 2010

Speaking of The Wonder Years, check out Danica McKellar’s (Winnie Cooper) recent photos in Maxim - the magazine by, and for, the douchebags who wear Axe Body Spray:

Does she like you like you?

The 35-year old McKellar graduated summa cum laude from UCLA as a Mathmatics Major. She authored a couple books encouraging American children to stop being idiots and start doing their Math homework.  Bless her heart. She is apparently pregnant and married.

So what about rival Becky Slater?  Well, Crystal Scripps McKellar (Danica’s sister!) is a big shot lawyer.

 Crystal Scripps McKellar is a senior associate in the Litigation Department of Morrison & Foerster’s San Diego office. Her experience includes antitrust, securities, and general commercial litigation matters, and Ms. McKellar has also participated in a number of confidential internal investigations on behalf of public companies facing potential criminal and regulatory exposure.

Friends? I'll give you 'friends.' And then I'll sue your ass.

Ms. McKellar was named one of the featured 100 “Women in Antitrust 2009” in the well-respected British publication, Global Competition Review, alongside world leaders in competition law and policy such as Christine Varney and Neelie Kroes. Ms. McKellar is one of only a small handful of associates to receive this honor.

Hot damn. No wonder she wanted to be class president so bad. As for some of Kevin’s other girls…

Lisa Berlini (Kathy Wagner) – Also graduated from college. Did a 2000 episode of 90210. Still hot.

Madeline Adams (Julie Condra) – A former favorite of mine, her career seemed to peak with TWY. However, in perhaps the most random coupling around, she is currently married to Fake Iron Chef Chairman Mark Dacascos. Secret ingredient? Butter. Always butter.

Cara (Lisa Gerber) – Kevin’s summer girlfriend. Still actin’ + she does accents! Including Southern, British, Scottish, Russian, Australian, Italian, French, and German.

Who’s the scrot now, Wayne?

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Project Runway Is Ruining Steve King’s Day

Posted by Matt on Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Steve's eyes have seen a lot of love...

Gays are bothering our good friend, Whackjob Iowa Rep. Steve King. And you know what? He’s got a point. A ridiculous, ridiculous point.

If people wear their sexuality on their sleeve, then they want to bring litigation against someone that they would point their finger at and say “you discriminate,” it is an entrapment that is legalized by the ENDA Act, it appears to, and its a violation of the individual rights of employers to, at their own discretion, decide who they want to hire and who they want to fire. We don’t need more federal mandates. And we surely don’t need a political statement, and that’s what this is, too. This is the homosexual activist lobby taking it out on the rest of society. They are demanding affirmation for their lifestyle. That’s at the bottom of this

See. You have to keep your sexuality to yourself. If you’re gay, be like a good gay republican public official and hate on the community you simultaneously ask to maintain your anonymity.  Its called the “downlow” for a reason. Just stop being so damned gay.  They keep “taking it out on Steve” over and over and over…

I don’t know what farm animal Steve King beds down with at night, because he certainly doesn’t wear his bestiality on his sleeve.  His bigotry on the other hand? Slapped front + center on his hood, like a laundry detergent logo on a NASCAR vehicle.

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NO!!! I’m More Stereotypically Ignorant!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, May 13th, 2010

The GOP Primary for Alabama Governor has been an a hilarious exercise in pandering between some good ‘ol homespun culture warriors. First there was candidate Tim James’ awesome ad appealing to the Alabamans who are terrified of pressing “1″ for English. 

“Why do our politicians make us give driver’s licenses in twelve languages?” GOP candidate Tim James asks, accompanied by a soft piano soundtrack.  “This is Alabama; we speak English,” James says. “If you want to live here, learn it.”"We’re only giving that test in English when I’m governor,” he adds.”Maybe it’s the businessman in me, and it makes sense. Does it to you?” 

THEY TOOK ‘UR JOBS! I recently returned from a roadtrip through the Deep South. To designate the language as “English” is questionable.  Ain’t that rite to git wit, y’all? 

Anyway, after getting past the clichéd + expected nativism, another challenge presented itself:  Who Can Be The Biggest Science Denier?! 

In Alabama, a state PAC recently went on the air with an ad attacking candidate Bradley Byrne for supporting the teaching of evolution in schools and for saying that parts of the Bible aren’t true. 


Well, nobody is going to out-Jesus Bradley Byrne without a fight. He immediately issued a press release clarifying he fucking hates science and loves white Jesus and all the schizophrenic Biblical scribblers:

“As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God,” Byrne wrote. “As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.” 

He went on: “I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that every single word of it is true … My faith is at the center of my life and my belief in Jesus Christ as my personal savior and Lord guides my every action.” 

Well, good for you. Who wants to learn about science in science class anyway? 

Ultimately, this says more about Alabama Republicans than the actual candidates. All politicians pander to get elected. The people of Alabama have spoken: They’re cool with awful public schools and ignorant children as long as Charlie Darwin can be hung in effigy on every New Moon.  Good luck to all, and thank you for your hilarious predictability.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]