Archive for July, 2010

Shit I Like: Blueberries

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Following 1964′s Violet Beauregarde incident, the Blueberry has spent decades fighting the dangerberry stigma that it messes with your cerebral cortex.

let's stay together.

In 2010, the blueberry is back. in my mouth.

According to the propaganda distributed by the US Highbush (highbush? gross) Blueberry Council, blueberries can make you essentially invincible. Here’s the rundown…

Blueberries are an excellent source of vitamin C.

Blueberries: Un-Scurvy Yourself.

Blueberries are a good source of dietary fiber.

Blueberries + Activia = SBD.

Blueberries are an excellent source of manganese.

i could get into that

Blueberries: Ferilize Your Insides.

Blueberries contain substances that have antioxidant properties.

Blueberries: Might Help You Prevent Some Possible Stuff.

So go support those eccentric Maine + Michigan blueberry farmers. Get some.

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Tancredo To Make More Noise

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Former presidential candidate Tom Tancredo is back on the campaign trail, alarming the people and saying insane shit. The former Colorado Rep. is now running for governor of the state under the banner of the ironically named Constitution Party.

The Constitution Party’s (a/k/a “The Party of (Alan) Keyes”) philosophy is rooted in religious conservatism. As Colorado’s American Constitution Party explains on its website:

We, the members of the American Constitution Party, gratefully acknowledge the blessings of the Lord God as the Creator, Preserver, and Ruler of the universe and of our nation. We hereby appeal to Him for aid, comfort, guidance and the protection of His Divine Providence as we work to restore and preserve this nation as a government of, by, and for the people. Our republic is a nation governed by a constitution rooted in Biblical law and administered by representatives elected by the people to preserve, protect, and defend it against attacks by all its enemies, whether from without or within.

Just look at all those allusions to the supreme law of the U.S., adopted circa 1787.

Tancredo’s interpretation of this platform focuses on the ’biblical’ removal of coloreds. From where, you ask? Just get em out of here. Christ. Among other practical policy considerations, Tommy T thinks Obama should not just be impeached (for being a bigger threat than al Qaeda), but that he should be sent back to Kenya.  Did I mention he hates hispanics (20% of Colorado)? Also, like many mainstream republicans, Tancredo believes the show 24 is real.   That should make for some fun campaign commercials (see below).

With Tom Tancredo as governor and Tim Tebow as Broncos’ QB (same initials), there would be nothing stopping Colorado from becoming New Utah. Although, only one of these guys would be Elway-esque and succeed in destroying the Browns. take a guess.

Once Tancredo gets rid of all the Mehicans, we can start focusing on the real plague affecting Our Great Country – greasy Italians.

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Steinbrenner Stops Snitchin’

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Late Yankees’ owner George Steinbrenner is the latest asshole to get the beloved posthumous revision.  While there is no denying his acumen as a businessman, he was pretty much a hateful clown all the way around, and reportedly treated his wife and many of his employees like shit.

I also enjoyed this nugget from before my time. Via The Smoking Gun…

JULY 13–Before he became “legendary” for his brutish reign as owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrennerwas a Watergate-era perp looking to snitch out others to curry favor with federal prosecutors. Steinbrenner, who died today at age 80, pleaded guilty in 1974 to a felony conspiracy charge (and a misdemeanor accessory after the fact count) stemming from his illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s reelection campaign. Before admitting his criminal behavior, Steinbrenner offered, through attorney Edward Bennett Williams, to provide Watergate Special Prosecution Force lawyers with testimony about other illegal donations to Nixon, as well as the sale of ambassadorships. Williams told investigators that Steinbrenner “had intended to obtain an ambassadorship for someone else” in return for funneling money to the Committee to Reelect the President, or CREEP. Steinbrenner’s snitch offer was detailed in a memo, a copy of which you’ll find below, prepared by prosecutor John Koeltl. Steinbrenner’s “offer of proof” came after investigators told Williams that they were interested in details of “improper influence” resulting from contributions to Nixon, and other crimes related to political fundraising. A December 1973 memo notes that Williams told investigators that Steinbrenner, who “had already suffered a great deal,” was ready to cop to afelony charge. Williams described his client as an extortion victim who had delivered money to CREEP “out of fear.” Prosecutor Leon Jaworski–not buying this claim–pushed Williams to address instances in which Steinbrenner “asked his employees” to lie to FBI agents probing illegal contributions to Nixon. “Williams replied that Steinbrenner denies subporning perjury and denies obstruction of justice,” Koeltl wrote. In 1988, a “deeply remorseful”Steinbrenner sought a presidential pardon, which was granted by Ronald Reagan two days before he left office in January 1989. Goodnight, sweet prince.

What a great guy. And might I add: Fuck the Yankees.

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The More You Know…

Posted by Matt on Monday, July 12th, 2010

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REPOST!…SNOW MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE…

Posted by Matt on Friday, July 9th, 2010

South Beach, 2025

(originally posted 2/10/10)

UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to climate change, some people with soapboxes and microphones evidently lost that perspective last winter. I just wanted to see if the pendulum-of-idiocy had swung in the other direction. Predictably, it hasn’t. Science deniers remain scientifically dipshits. too bad.

I was expecting a contrite James Inhofe & Family to be building a series of solar-powered sand castles labeled “Gore Village.” But to no avail.

For the record, NASA determined 2009 to be the 2nd warmest year on record.

SNOW MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE…

…but thankfully, global warming will have nothing to do with it. According to these experts, 2 February snowstorms in the Mid-Atlantic mean climate change is a fable because that’s where all the myopic politicians live.

Exhibit A – Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC):

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) on Tuesday used the D.C. snowstorm to make a political jab, saying that it provides evidence for global warming skeptics.

“It’s going to keep snowing in DC until Al Gore cries “uncle,” the conservative Senator tweeted on Twitter.

Zing! Exhibit B - Dr. Sean Hannity:

“It’s the most severe winter storm in years, which would seem to contradict Al Gore’s hysterical global warming theories.”

Pile on! Let’s hear from Exhibit C, the man with the B.A. + real estate background, the Senate’s biggest amateur scientist and denier of climate change who just happened to get close to $1m from oil companies over the last decade…a guy who keeps his garage heated at 90F just to be an asshole. I present Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK):

The Oklahoma Republican’s daughter, Molly Rapert; her husband, Jimmy; and their four children built an igloo — roomy enough to fit several people inside — at Third Street and Independence Avenue Southeast. They officially dedicated the humble abode in honor of global-warming crusader Gore, even posting a cardboard sign on the igloo’s roof reading “AL GORE’S NEW HOME” on one side and “HONK IF YOU [HEART] GLOBAL WARMING” on the other. Inhofe told HOH that he found his family’s ironic tribute to Gore — which came during one of Washington’s snowiest winters on record — “really humorous.”

Hey-o!  Looks like someone inherited the knack for building houses. While these hilarious antics are considered good-natured for the GOP, the air horns of faulty causal relationships wouldn’t be complete without a meek Democrat running for the slopes…

Sen. Jeff Bingaman (D-N.M.) said the blizzards that have shut down Congress have made it more difficult to argue that global warming is an imminent danger.

“It makes it more challenging for folks not taking time to review the scientific arguments,” said Bingaman, who as the chairman of the Energy and Natural Resources Committee has jurisdiction over energy and climate change issues.

“People see the world around them and they extrapolate,” Bingaman said. “I think that it’s hard to see an economy-wide cap-and-trade [proposal] of the type that passed the House could prevail,” he added, though he suggested a more limited alternative could have a better chance.

Totally! Getting stuff done is just so hard with all these Republicans talking out of their asses. Since the Media is going to treat these campaign slogans as legitimate scientific criticism, I guess I might as well defer to these idiots, tuck my tail between my snowpants, head back to Santa Fe, and sit on my roof with a fucking shovel.

At the risk of hitting my head against the wall, can we venture to agree that one infantesimally small sample size of weather does not an established theory break?

When asked,  Bingham could’ve done his own cherry-picking: Last month was the hottest January on record; Last decade was the warmest on record; There’s no snow in Canada and the Winter Olympics are going to start in 3 days. Holy Shit! The Olympics need snow??!! How will we determine which country is best at chasing someone on skis while firing a gun?! Mary Matalin + Donna Brazile, you are neither scientists or athletes. Your thoughts?

With so many issues that deserve constructive debate, it’s fantastic that we can take the time to manufacture an issue out of a 20-yr global scientific consensus. This country is hilarious. Stay warm.

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We Can Find A Way To Blame The Middle Class For This

Posted by Matt on Friday, July 9th, 2010

Pay it all by the hour, mofo. Canseco, is that you?

VIA THE NYT:

More than one in seven homeowners with loans in excess of a million dollars are seriously delinquent, according to data compiled for The New York Times by the real estate analytics firm CoreLogic.

By contrast, homeowners with less lavish housing are much more likely to keep writing checks to their lender. About one in 12 mortgages below the million-dollar mark is delinquent.

Though it is hard to prove, the CoreLogic data suggest that many of the well-to-do are purposely dumping their financially draining properties, just as they would any sour investment.

And might I add ACORN, FREDDIE BLAH BLAH CODED RACISM, THANKLESS POOR, FRANNIE, BAILOUT BLAH BLAH LIBERAL MEDIA VEILED VILLAINIZATION OF WORKING POOR COMMUNITY ORGANIZING BLAH BLAH WAHHH!

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We All Lose…

Posted by Matt on Friday, July 9th, 2010

…except for Officer Mehserle.

(CNN) — A former police officer who is white was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter Thursday in the killing of an unarmed black man in Oakland, California.

Johannes Mehserle, who was a Bay Area Rapid Transit police officer at the time of the incident, was accused of shooting 22-year-old Oscar Grant on an Oakland train platform on January 1, 2009.

Mehserle could have been found not guilty, guilty of second-degree murder or guilty of voluntary manslaughter — or guilty of involuntary manslaughter, as the jury decided. The trial was moved from Alameda County to Los Angeles due to pre-trial publicity.

Sentencing is set for August 6. Involuntary manslaughter normally carries a maximum sentence of up to four years in prison under California law. But the judge could add an “enhancement” that could provide a longer sentence because a firearm was used in commission of a crime.

Members of the jury, which included no African-Americans, said they were unanimous in their decision. Their finding indicates that Mehserle was criminally negligent.

As this guy says,

Mehserle will do less time for shooting & killing Oscar Grant than Plaxico Burress is doing for shooting himself in the leg…

That sounds about right.

Last night, police arrested 83 people as (non-LeBron related) protesters flooded the streets of Oakland, and did what people do when they have impotent rage. No one was reported to have suffered any serious injuries.

Murder-On-Video. 4 years. And some wonder why so many people view our legal system as an inequitable farse?

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Me So Kagan

Posted by Matt on Friday, July 9th, 2010

The objection is noted.

In response to Tipper Gore’s imploding head, a little information on the latest SC nominee:

In 1989, Elena Kagan filed an amicus brief arguing that 2 Live Crew’s album, As Nasty As They Wanna Be, which had been banned by a federal judge because of its sexual content, wasn’t obscene in part because no one could possibly be aroused by it. “Nasty does not physically excite anyone who hears it,” Kagan wrote, “much less arouse a shameful and morbid sexual response.” A higher court ultimately overturned the ban.

THE BEST PART follows…

Recently, 2 Live Crew Frontman Luther Campbell gave Kagan his endorsement:

She is not going to let any person or group tell her what is right or wrong. Kagan will judge each case based on the law of the land. She has demonstrated she can protect the Constitution by doing the fine work she did to protect 2 Live Crew’s freedom of speech.

Luth took time out of his busy schedule taking Miami U Football recruits to strip clubs to drop a pretty lucid endorsement.

This is the most important judicial endorsement from a rap star since The Geto Boys’ Bushwick Bill gave some support to the much maligned Harriet Miers back in 2005, saying, “Yo bitch, she be crazy judicial.”

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Reps These Days

Posted by Matt on Thursday, July 8th, 2010

Some people just know how to relate to America’s youth.  In case you missed it, the name is Mike Weinstein. That’s M.i.k.e W.e.i.n.s.t.e.i.n….

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Area Teen To Announce Summer Employment Decision On ABC Family

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

RACINE, WI – Area teen Ryan Swanson is planning to announce the employer he will work for this summer during a one-hour special on ABC Family Thursday night, Racine Journal Times‘ Hank Kleinschmidt has learned. Independent sources tell Kleinschmidt that associates of Swanson contacted the network, requesting that Swanson make his announcement during a 8 p.m. CDT special.

Swanson to make decision Thursday night on ABC Family.

Those sources said that Swanson’s representatives requested they be allowed to sell sponsorship for the one-hour special, with the proceeds going to the Humane Society of Wisconsin, and that ABC Family agreed to the proposal but had not been told what Swanson has decided.

Swanson has yet to indicate where he’ll be working for the next 2 months. It was believed that Swanson’s former employer, the Racine Parks Department, was a prohibitive front-runner, yet recent developments indicate his decision is still in flux. Swanson visited with five employers all offering unique opportunities, including the local Culver’s (grill technician), Racine Country Club (caddy), and a local Citgo (overnight cashier). Representatives from these employers visited with Swanson at his parents’ house over the weekend.

Early Tuesday, it appeared that Swanson might be leaning towards Culver’s, where high school classmate Brandon Morris is a fry cook.

“Those two could work, like, really well together,” said ABC Teen Reporter Nikki Fiorella . “With Morris’ experience and Swanson’s natural talent that combination could give Racine one of the best Culver’s franchises in southeastern Wisconsin!”

Added Fiorella, “Totally.”

Various reports indicated that the Racine Parks Department was working on a deal with the Kenosha Parks Department to bring turf management star Kevin Crowley to the RPD in hopes the addition of Crowley would entice Swanson to stay with his previous employer. Both Swanson and Crowley were aware that such a deal was possible, and Swanson tried to recruit Crowley to the RPD several times in the past few weeks, sources told Kleinschmidt. However, at this point, travel reimbursements for Crowley appear to be the sticking point preventing this deal from being executed.

While most people close to Swanson remain quiet with regard to the decision, Swanson’s uncle Jeff spoke with reporters late last night.

“I just want him to make a decision and go work somewhere,” said Jeff Swanson.  ”I mean, he had 9 months to think about where he would go and the summer is almost half over. What the hell is he waiting for? Pick a damn job.”

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