Folks, I’ve obtained a preliminary copy of Glenn Beck’s Lincoln Memorial speech, scheduled for tomorrow – the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech. I have left out the illustrations and stage directions.

“I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as a hilariously disrespectful mockery of Dr. King’s legacy.

30 years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, enlightened a whole generation with his transcendent speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi. This momentous decree of “states’ rights” came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Americans who were just sick of hearing about the murderous legacy of segregation and its disastrous effect on countless descendants of (less-American) Negro slaves.  It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of what dangerous progressives call the “civil rights era.”

But thirty years later, the ”Real American” is still is not free. The life of the “Real American” is still sadly crippled by the tyrannical reign of a vengeful Negro who had the gall to challenge the legacy of segregation and the chains of discrimination. This tyrant who has cut taxes for 95% of working Americans, yet apparently has a deep-seeded hatred of White People, sits not 2 miles away on an island of ACORN in the midst of a vast ocean of Real Americans. 18 Months later, the Real American is still languished in the corners of American society, while the rich American has seen his after-tax income increase by only 281% over the last 30 years, and finds himself an exile in his own land while the wages of his free-loading brethren – many of whom I see today – remain stagnant. And so we’ve come here today to dramatize a shameful condition…and to hock gold. GOLD!

In a sense we’ve come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. And when we cash that check, it is imperative for the sake of the Republic that we buy gold. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note that every Conservative mouth-breather would be able to invoke when convenient. On this day we leverage that Constitution…for more gold.  Now while some will proclaim this means actual adherence to values such as the “right to a fair trial,” or  ”freedom of worship,” I tell you this is not the intentions of the Founders, as they conveyed to me in their own words years ago, during an 8-day coke bender. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, as long as they’re rich and not Van Jones, would be guaranteed the “unalienable Rights” of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as electing a community organizer who speaks of the progressive evils of social justice. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Real Americans a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds” because our democracy didn’t have our desired outcome in 2008. 

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation that can be handed over for my next book, movie, or amusement park.  And so, I’ve we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice, and help me finance that amusement park – ‘Beck Gardens’ – set to open in the Summer of 2012, and the Ted Nugent-headlined “Rand-a-palooza” set for this fall.

We have also come to this hallowed spot, persevered and avoided the blacks and gays on the Metro, to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in rational substantive debates on policy, or to respect differing opinions of the Unreal Americans, much less the time to take care of the millions of our jobless countrymen - if you can call them that. Now is the time to create some more baseless conspiracy theories! Now is the time to ignore the dark and desolate legacy of segregation and broad brush entire segments of society! Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice by demanding that brown people show us their papers! Now is the time to make injustice a reality for all who have not found the savior in the One True Lord, who is definitely not Allah!  Now is the time to invoke baseless Nazi comparisons upon all our enemies! Now is the time for – wait for it – Gold!

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. A couple snowstorms last winter on this very spot demonstrated the fallacy of climate change and the economic discontent the Progressives demand to wring from their so-called ”investment” in “green jobs” and “energy infrastructure.”  You know who else once used the words ”green” and ”jobs” in the same sentence? That’s right – Hitler. Whoa, you were way ahead of me. Great job.

Two-Thousand-Ten is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Real American just needed some place to yell unintelligibly, or raise their hilariously misspelled placards and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business of fixing itself. We will never be content as long as a Democrat is in the White House, whether he’s balancing the budget and getting blow jobs, or bringing combat troops home and has dark skin.  We will never have rest nor tranquility in America until the Real American is granted extraordinary citizenship rights.  And even then we won’t be happy because of all the Mexicans still shopping at Wal-Mart.  I will continue to stoke the whirlwinds of revolt and continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of our Idiocracy finally emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of ignorance: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds, unless these deeds bear political fruit for our conservative brothers and half-sisters. Let us not  always seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever never conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not overtly encourage our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence.  Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with crazed, irrational fury.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the teabagging community must lead us to a distrust of all those not like us, for we refuse to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny.  We can not let their desire for freedom allow them to co-opt our favorite hollow terms, such as “freedom” and “patriot.”

We cannot walk alone. We will drive, and meet each other there.

And as we drive, we must make disparaging remarks at the homeless veteran who is panhandling next to the underpass.

But we cannot make eye contact.

There are those who are believe we miss the point of civil rights, “When will you be satisfied?” they ask. We can never be satisfied as long as we have to press “one” for English. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy from corn syrup and lethargy, cannot get off the couch protest places of worship in America’s towns and cities.  We can never be satisfied as long as our children have healthy school-lunches imposed upon them by Communist School Boards and lecherous teachers’ unions. We cannot be satisfied as long as a bigot in Mississippi cannot scream and a bigot in New York believes he has nothing for which to scream at. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until I am lying on a duvet of gold leaves, and you are giving me that gold, my children.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. The DC Metro is an excellent public transit system, yet still allows gays, immigrants, and other Unreal Americans to ride on its federally funded socialist tracks.  Some of you have come fresh from the golf course. And some of you have come from areas where your quest — quest for a caucasian son-in-law and more Matlock re-runs. We will cheer military action, ignore our suffering veterans, and spit on the families who lost loved ones in our war with Islam.  We will continue to fight the tyranny which is ‘guaranteed health care for all children under 18.’  Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to exurbias of our northern cities, knowing that if you yell loud enough, and buy a lot of gold, this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends. But let us revel in the darkness of fear and intolerance.

And so even though we you face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in my batshit crazy nightmares. 

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of my creed: “We need to remove Obama because he’s a Marxist.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of  former slave owners will be able to watch the sons of former slaves play football while listening to my radio show.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of this summer, we will defy scientific consensus and create an oasis of freedom and justice, and climate change denial.

I have a dream that my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be taught actual history, but my bastardized version of history, complete with the grave-rolling criticisms of some of the Left’s beloved heroes. I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, will inspire all Americans to start uttering the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — that is, until we have a conservative-controlled government again.  I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be polluted, and every mountaintop shall be removed, all protective lands shall be drilled, the energy companies will still be exempt from the Clean Water Act; “and the glory of the Christian Lord shall be revealed and you will finally get your ‘End Of Days.’”

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to my expansive estate with.

With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray to Jesus together, to hate together, to be nativists together, to stand up for faux-freedom together, knowing that we will be faux-free one day.

And this will be the day — this will be the day when all Conservatives will wear flag pins and sing the songs of the voices in my head:

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim’s pride,

From every mountainside, let intolerance and idiocy ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let intolerance ring from the 2012 GOP Primary of New Hampshire.

Let intolerance ring from Ground Zero in New York.

Let intolerance ring from a sheriff in Arizona.

Let intolerance ring from the Megachurches of Colorado.

Let intolerance ring from the suburbs of California.

But not only that:

Let idiocy ring from my viewers in Georgia.

Let idiocy ring from my readers in Tennessee.

Let idiocy ring from my listeners in Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let my radio show play and let idiocy ring.

And when this happens, when we allow idiocy and intolerance to ring, when we let them ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city NASCAR INFIELD, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, Jews and Christians, Protestants and Catholics, Mormons and Unitarians,  NeoCons and Libertarians will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the new Beck spiritual:

                Free at last! Free at last!

                Thank God Almighty, gold is not free at last!”

Yikes. 

Compare and contrast…There will be a test on Sunday