Archive for August, 2010

“I Have A Nightmare” [Transcript]

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 27th, 2010

Folks, I’ve obtained a preliminary copy of Glenn Beck’s Lincoln Memorial speech, scheduled for tomorrow – the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech. I have left out the illustrations and stage directions.

“I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as a hilariously disrespectful mockery of Dr. King’s legacy.

30 years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, enlightened a whole generation with his transcendent speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi. This momentous decree of “states’ rights” came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Americans who were just sick of hearing about the murderous legacy of segregation and its disastrous effect on countless descendants of (less-American) Negro slaves.  It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of what dangerous progressives call the “civil rights era.”

But thirty years later, the ”Real American” is still is not free. The life of the “Real American” is still sadly crippled by the tyrannical reign of a vengeful Negro who had the gall to challenge the legacy of segregation and the chains of discrimination. This tyrant who has cut taxes for 95% of working Americans, yet apparently has a deep-seeded hatred of White People, sits not 2 miles away on an island of ACORN in the midst of a vast ocean of Real Americans. 18 Months later, the Real American is still languished in the corners of American society, while the rich American has seen his after-tax income increase by only 281% over the last 30 years, and finds himself an exile in his own land while the wages of his free-loading brethren – many of whom I see today – remain stagnant. And so we’ve come here today to dramatize a shameful condition…and to hock gold. GOLD!

In a sense we’ve come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. And when we cash that check, it is imperative for the sake of the Republic that we buy gold. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note that every Conservative mouth-breather would be able to invoke when convenient. On this day we leverage that Constitution…for more gold.  Now while some will proclaim this means actual adherence to values such as the “right to a fair trial,” or  ”freedom of worship,” I tell you this is not the intentions of the Founders, as they conveyed to me in their own words years ago, during an 8-day coke bender. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, as long as they’re rich and not Van Jones, would be guaranteed the “unalienable Rights” of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as electing a community organizer who speaks of the progressive evils of social justice. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Real Americans a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds” because our democracy didn’t have our desired outcome in 2008. 

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation that can be handed over for my next book, movie, or amusement park.  And so, I’ve we’ve come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice, and help me finance that amusement park – ‘Beck Gardens’ – set to open in the Summer of 2012, and the Ted Nugent-headlined “Rand-a-palooza” set for this fall.

We have also come to this hallowed spot, persevered and avoided the blacks and gays on the Metro, to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in rational substantive debates on policy, or to respect differing opinions of the Unreal Americans, much less the time to take care of the millions of our jobless countrymen - if you can call them that. Now is the time to create some more baseless conspiracy theories! Now is the time to ignore the dark and desolate legacy of segregation and broad brush entire segments of society! Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice by demanding that brown people show us their papers! Now is the time to make injustice a reality for all who have not found the savior in the One True Lord, who is definitely not Allah!  Now is the time to invoke baseless Nazi comparisons upon all our enemies! Now is the time for – wait for it – Gold!

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. A couple snowstorms last winter on this very spot demonstrated the fallacy of climate change and the economic discontent the Progressives demand to wring from their so-called ”investment” in “green jobs” and “energy infrastructure.”  You know who else once used the words ”green” and ”jobs” in the same sentence? That’s right – Hitler. Whoa, you were way ahead of me. Great job.

Two-Thousand-Ten is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Real American just needed some place to yell unintelligibly, or raise their hilariously misspelled placards and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business of fixing itself. We will never be content as long as a Democrat is in the White House, whether he’s balancing the budget and getting blow jobs, or bringing combat troops home and has dark skin.  We will never have rest nor tranquility in America until the Real American is granted extraordinary citizenship rights.  And even then we won’t be happy because of all the Mexicans still shopping at Wal-Mart.  I will continue to stoke the whirlwinds of revolt and continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of our Idiocracy finally emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of ignorance: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds, unless these deeds bear political fruit for our conservative brothers and half-sisters. Let us not  always seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever never conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not overtly encourage our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence.  Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with crazed, irrational fury.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the teabagging community must lead us to a distrust of all those not like us, for we refuse to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny.  We can not let their desire for freedom allow them to co-opt our favorite hollow terms, such as “freedom” and “patriot.”

We cannot walk alone. We will drive, and meet each other there.

And as we drive, we must make disparaging remarks at the homeless veteran who is panhandling next to the underpass.

But we cannot make eye contact.

There are those who are believe we miss the point of civil rights, “When will you be satisfied?” they ask. We can never be satisfied as long as we have to press “one” for English. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy from corn syrup and lethargy, cannot get off the couch protest places of worship in America’s towns and cities.  We can never be satisfied as long as our children have healthy school-lunches imposed upon them by Communist School Boards and lecherous teachers’ unions. We cannot be satisfied as long as a bigot in Mississippi cannot scream and a bigot in New York believes he has nothing for which to scream at. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until I am lying on a duvet of gold leaves, and you are giving me that gold, my children.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. The DC Metro is an excellent public transit system, yet still allows gays, immigrants, and other Unreal Americans to ride on its federally funded socialist tracks.  Some of you have come fresh from the golf course. And some of you have come from areas where your quest — quest for a caucasian son-in-law and more Matlock re-runs. We will cheer military action, ignore our suffering veterans, and spit on the families who lost loved ones in our war with Islam.  We will continue to fight the tyranny which is ‘guaranteed health care for all children under 18.’  Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to exurbias of our northern cities, knowing that if you yell loud enough, and buy a lot of gold, this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends. But let us revel in the darkness of fear and intolerance.

And so even though we you face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in my batshit crazy nightmares. 

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of my creed: “We need to remove Obama because he’s a Marxist.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of  former slave owners will be able to watch the sons of former slaves play football while listening to my radio show.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of this summer, we will defy scientific consensus and create an oasis of freedom and justice, and climate change denial.

I have a dream that my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be taught actual history, but my bastardized version of history, complete with the grave-rolling criticisms of some of the Left’s beloved heroes. I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, will inspire all Americans to start uttering the words of “interposition” and “nullification” — that is, until we have a conservative-controlled government again.  I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be polluted, and every mountaintop shall be removed, all protective lands shall be drilled, the energy companies will still be exempt from the Clean Water Act; “and the glory of the Christian Lord shall be revealed and you will finally get your ‘End Of Days.’”

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to my expansive estate with.

With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray to Jesus together, to hate together, to be nativists together, to stand up for faux-freedom together, knowing that we will be faux-free one day.

And this will be the day — this will be the day when all Conservatives will wear flag pins and sing the songs of the voices in my head:

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim’s pride,

From every mountainside, let intolerance and idiocy ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let intolerance ring from the 2012 GOP Primary of New Hampshire.

Let intolerance ring from Ground Zero in New York.

Let intolerance ring from a sheriff in Arizona.

Let intolerance ring from the Megachurches of Colorado.

Let intolerance ring from the suburbs of California.

But not only that:

Let idiocy ring from my viewers in Georgia.

Let idiocy ring from my readers in Tennessee.

Let idiocy ring from my listeners in Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let my radio show play and let idiocy ring.

And when this happens, when we allow idiocy and intolerance to ring, when we let them ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city NASCAR INFIELD, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, Jews and Christians, Protestants and Catholics, Mormons and Unitarians,  NeoCons and Libertarians will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the new Beck spiritual:

                Free at last! Free at last!

                Thank God Almighty, gold is not free at last!”

Yikes. 

Compare and contrast…There will be a test on Sunday

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Gratuitous Balls! 2010 College Football Preview

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 26th, 2010

You’ve come to the 2nd Annual GW College Football Preview. I love CFB because it truly brings out some of the worst and most bizarre behavior in people. You really find out where people stand – like when your 50-year-old bachelor uncle paints his chest to support a school he never attended.  It’s like politics – but with a ball and fewer idiots (indeed). Last season’s preview can be found here. Enjoy.

‘Hot’ Discount

1. OREGON: GW is stepping out here. Former Ducks’ QB, 3-Strike Candidate and Heisman hopeful Jeremiah Masoli was kicked off the team and has perp-walked his way to Ole Miss. He may still get a Heisman, it will just have to be at Mississippi, or through a window at the Nokia Theatre Times Square.  However, if healthy, Nate Costa is an adequate back-up and is surrounded with a lot of weapons and a great O-Line. Their LB unit is also top-notch. With USC down, I see a window open for the Ducks to run the table (though I wouldn’t necessarily consider the Pac-10 “weak”).  They are a bona fide top-5 squad who will keep it interesting for both the Oregon fans and the Eugene Police Department.

2. BOISE STATE: This team pisses me off. They’ve built up enough street cred by kicking the shit out of their little sisters that they’re now considered on par with BCS teams who have to play in competitive conferences. Like Reagan turning ‘victory’ in Grenada into intense popular support, Boise State trumpets their 253-2 (or whatever) conference record as if they’re playing in the SEC.  If they can get past Va Tech opening weekend, they might be able to write their championship game ticket. It must be nice to play 3 challenging games a year. Fuck Idaho.

3.  ALABAMA: They lost some serious monsters on Defense, but this will be offset by the sheer power of the increased obnoxiousness set to emanate from the fans of the reigning NCAA champions. Dear God, you can already taste it. Fewer teeth means fewer impediments to block their cringe-worthy, unintelligible yokel screams.

4.  WISCONSIN: The Badgers are loaded on Offense.  Many of the Badger Faithful are loaded with cheese curds. Watch the seismic readings in the Great Lakes’ Region after 3rd Quarters at Camp Randall this season.

5.  OHIO STATE: On paper, Alabama and Ohio State are probably the best 2 teams in the nation. On illegibly written paper, they also have the 2 most townie-heavy fan bases. That aside, I just don’t think the schedule works out for them.  They’ll both end up with one loss, allowing BS(u) to back-door (literally and figuratively) both Alabama and OSU. The Buckeyes should have a punishing offense, making it a co-favorite in a very strong Big 10 .

6.  NEBRASKA: They lost the Nation’s best player in Ndamukong Suh, but remain loaded all over the field. They might end their stay in the Big XII with a conference title, and then leave the next morning like the cheap whores they are.

7. MIAMI: The ‘Canes are back, but their schedule is kickin.’  I believe it goes something like @ Ohio State, @ Pitt, Colts, Va. Tech, @ Vikings (Monday Night), v. Federal Maximum Security All-Stars (Neutral).

8.  TEXAS: After being thrown to the wolves 5 plays into the BCS title game, I thought back-up QB Garett Gilbert performed relatively well. He won’t be a problem, but it’s still difficult to replace Colt McCoy, the greatest name in football – until this guy.

9. FLORIDA: Debauchery will reign once again in Gainesville. Tim Tebow of Nazareth has left to back up the amazing Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn. Now many formerly inspired and hopeful co-eds are free to do with their intact hymens what they’re supposed to do – lose them at a frat “foam party” to a blacked-out, 6th-year Senior. By the way, the Gators will be fine and Urban Meyer is still an ego-maniacal douchebag.

10. IOWA: Adrian Clayborn is the best Defensive player in the nation. However, I’m worried about a very inexperienced O-Line protecting and an interception-prone QB.  Maybe Rick Santorum can call in a favor from the Big Homophobe Upstairs in exchange for some Iowa W’s and additional 2012 Caucus points.

ridden’

11. OKLAHOMA: QB Landry Jones should be in the running for 1st team All-Big XII. And judging by that mustache, he might be a front-runner to compete for the all-date rape team.

12. TCU: This is another mid-major team that is earning the respect of the masses. H/w, at least the WAC has some legit competition. However, this team has always bothered me, mostly because of their fans, whose over-smiley faces remind me of the characters in Soundgarden’s ”Black Hole Sun” Video.  Of course, if the “Texas Christians” lose, that means the terrorists have won. Look for the Terrorists to take on ACC#3 in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl.

13. VIRGINIA TECH: Virginia Tech might be done carrying the ACC for a while. Virginia Tech’s ranking in the 2011 edition of US News & World Report’s Best Colleges is 69 – which is ironically not allowed in on-campus housing.

14. PITT: Wanny Wanny, Ohhhh baby, New Years’ Bowl!

15. OREGON STATE: What’s up with the rampant criminal behavior in the state of Oregon’s football programs? This is the best arrest of the off-season.

An Oregon State University football player has been dismissed from the team following an arrest early Sunday morning.  Tyler Patrick Thomas, 19, of Kalispell, Mont., was arrested on charges of first-degree criminal trespass, second-degree criminal mischief and resisting arrest.

According to information from the Corvallis Police Department, at about 4:51 a.m., police were called to 519 N.W. 14th Street after a 32-year-old woman reported there was a naked man in the upstairs office of her residence. When officers arrived, they ordered him to get on the ground several times, but he refused.

Then Thomas, who had reportedly been drinking, got into a “three-point stance” and lunged at the officers, who Tased him. Thomas was booked into Benton County Jail but was released later the same day.  Thomas, an offensive lineman, redshirted the 2009 season for the Beavers.

16. NORTH CAROLINA: Butch Davis has brought a talented squad and possible sanctions back to UNC. Welcome back to big time college football.

"Mrs. Jo Pa? No?"

17. PENN STATE: Years ago, I was dangerously over-served while attending a Penn St. @ Illinois night game. We were sitting in the PSU section. I was later told I repeatedly yelled, “Joe Pa, I had sex with your wife!” While certainly disrespectful, it would’ve also been pretty gross if it was true.  I apologize.

18.  ARKANSAS: On 8/14, Hog Sports Radio Reporter Renee Gork asked Petrino a routine question. Petrino responded to the question, but ended by saying, “And that will be the last question I answer with that hat on.”  You see, Gork was wearing a “gasp” Florida Gators’ hat. Predictably, this instigated an overreaction only suitable for SEC Country, and Arkansas in particular. The hayseeds called Gork with death threats, and Gork’s employment was subsequently terminated. All for wearing a different school’s hat.

Now I don’t primarily blame Petrino for Gork losing her job. He will never be joined on a probably deserved “Wrongful Termination” suit, if she chooses that avenue. However, Petrino’s indignant and childish refusal to answer questions from Gork certainly rings a little hollow. On July 13, 2006, Petrino signed a 10-year, $25.6 million contract to keep his Louisville cap on as their head coach. 6 months later, he was apparently sick of his Louisville hat and left for a  $24 million/5 year deal with the Atlanta Falcons. Less than a year later, Petrino quits DURING his first NFL Regular Season, tossing the Falcons hat aside, and takes his carpetbagging-ass to Arkansas, where he apparently learned the virtues of loyalty and hat-wearing conformity.

QB Ryan Mallett is NFL-ready, but if you’re looking for (another) insufferable SEC Coach to root against, Petrino is right there for you.

19. USC: The pompous and insufferable USC athletic program replaces the pompous and insufferable Pete Carroll with the pompous and insufferable Lane Kiffin. Kiffin will end up clearing 7-figures, which is slightly more than his star players will receive.

20. CINCINNATI: Brian Kelly has left, allowing me to not hate Notre Dame once again. In his place, Butch Jones should still be able to put together enough pieces to make some hay in the Big East.

Now go get way-over-the-top excited for the athletic adventures of some 18-23 year old college kids!

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What Do Ya Know?

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Joan Walsh runs a good website over at Salon. However, I’m rarely captivated by her columns. But last week she hit a home run.

When a couple select members of my Irish Catholic family start broadbrushing “Others,” whether Hispanic or Muslim, Russian or Mongolian, I always like to point out the historical context that so many Americans seem to blissfully ignore. I guess “Always Forget” would be the appropriate motto.

Unless you’re some aristocratic, blue blood WASP, there’s a good chance your ancestors have encountered varying degrees of intolerance from the country’s perpetual crop of nativists. This xenophobic sentiment is far from unique to America. But America is supposed to be unique. When people talk about ‘American Exceptionalism,’ it makes me think we have the capacity to be better - and not just the best at bombing shit, making trash and churning out billionaires and reality tv.  Our virtues, which also value the freedoms of expression, and to worship or not worship in peace, should be emboldened by our shared “melting pot” heritage.  I know haters hate. There will always that vocal, red-faced segment in any democratic society. Yet empathetic hearts should not be turned hard by screaming idiots, pandering to the basest tribalistic instincts. In order for that to happen, the purveyors of cruelty and intolerance need to be called out…So any time now, U.S. Media.

Joan Walsh…

"Look out, Itchy! He's Irish"

I would like to thank New York Times columnist Ross Douthat, on behalf of my Irish Catholic relatives; indeed, on behalf of all Irish Catholics, including the Kennedy family, for reminding us of the debt we owe to anti-Catholic “Nativists.” Yes, even though I was raised to believe the Nativists spread anti-Catholic prejudice and bigotry with lies about who we were and what we believed, Douthat says I was raised wrong (not surprising, given I was raised by Irish Catholics). In fact, Catholics like my family and the Kennedys should apparently thank the Nativists, because, as Douthat patiently explains, “Nativist concerns about Catholicism’s illiberal tendencies inspired American Catholics to prod their church toward a recognition of the virtues of democracy, making it possible for generations of immigrants to feel unambiguously Catholic and American.”

Got that? Until today, I had always thought the belief that Catholics couldn’t be “unambiguously Catholic and American,” or that the Catholic Church had “illiberal tendencies,” represented prejudice, the kind of prejudice that collided with and eventually gave way to American ideals about equality and religious freedom. I didn’t realize my people had to be “inspired” into fully embracing “the virtues of democracy” by Nativists, often by violence: from Charlestown, Mass, where Nativists burned a Catholic convent in 1834, to Philadelphia in 1844 (where thousands of Nativists attacked Irish Catholics, derided as “scum unloaded on American wharfs,” burned Catholic churches and convents, invaded the homes of Irish Catholics and beat residents), to St. Louis, where a Nativist riot against Irish Catholics killed 10 and destroyed 93 Irish Catholic homes and businesses, or Louisville, Ky., where Nativist mobs killed at least two dozen Catholics on “Bloody Monday,” Aug. 6, 1855.

I’m glad all that violence convinced Irish Catholics to stop being dirty, superstitious, lazy, drunken, anti-American Papists — the Nativist line on my people; the Pope was considered as anti-American as Osama bin Laden back in the day — so we’d one day deserve to enjoy the religious and political rights other Americans did. I was raised to believe the election of John F. Kennedy as our first Catholic president represented the triumph of American values of tolerance and inclusion over bigotry. But in Douthat’s bizarro-world version of American history, bigots help their victims, by making them deserve bigotry a little bit less. Is this a great country, or what? Or is Douthat’s argument a little bit like saying African-Americans owe a debt to the KKK, or Jews should thank Nazis?

Not surprisingly, Douthat made his astonishingly ignorant remarks in a column defending prejudice against the so-called “ground zero mosque,” which, again, isn’t a mosque, and isn’t at ground zero. The controversy, ginned up by Republican opportunists and kept alive by cowardly Democrats (thanks, Harry Reid!) is bringing out the “Know-Nothings” in American politics again — and I mean that in both senses of the word. The Know-Nothings were the violent Nativists of the mid-19th century who got their name from their vow to tell police they “know nothing,” if questioned about their foul anti-immigrant conspiracy. Our latter-day Know-Nothings are both peddling prejudice and propagating ignorance toward the Park51 Community Center, proving they indeed know nothing about what makes this country great. In fact, I’d call them un-American, if I’d been raised like Liz Cheney, but I was taught to believe we’re all Americans, even when we disagree.

I’m proud of the work of Salon writers on this issue, so I don’t have to dispel all the ignorance afoot with this one piece. If you read one thing about this issue, make it Justin Elliott’s tick-tock of the way anti-Islam blogger Pamela Zeller and Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post manufactured a controversy where there wasn’t one. (Proof this is a fake issue: Substituting for Bill O’Reilly last December, Fox personality Laura Ingraham praised the project in an interview with the wife of Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, Daisy Kahn, telling her, “I like what you’re trying to do.”) Just a quick digest of the worst lies: It’s not a “ground zero mosque,” it’s a Muslim community center with a prayer room two blocks from ground zero; there’s another mosque two blocks away; it’s not, as the blowhard Newt Gingrich says, “like the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor.” We’re not at war with Islam, we’re at war with al-Qaida. Muslims died on 9/11, and have died since in the American military, defending our country against al-Qaida since.

It made me sad to debate Republican strategist John Feehery about this issue on “Hardball,” because Irish Catholics should know their own history, and the way prejudice was used to oppress their ancestors and limit their opportunities. Wait, “limit their opportunities” is kind of  wishy-washy language; the way prejudice was used to defend murdering Irish Catholics and burning down their homes, businesses and places of worship. Douthat ends his deeply dishonest column suggesting Muslims “need leaders whose antennas are sensitive enough to recognize that the quest for inter-religious dialogue is ill served by throwing up a high-profile mosque two blocks from the site of a mass murder committed in the name of Islam.” Feehery made a similar point on “Hardball.”

The fact is, Irish Catholics had leaders who were “sensitive enough” to urge their people to try to mollify their enemies. In Philadelphia in 1844, Bishop Francis Kenrick closed all Catholic churches the Sunday after the first Nativist attacks, and told Irish Catholics to trust the government and forgo efforts to defend themselves. Of course the anti-Catholic rioting continued, and no Nativist was ever convicted or punished for it. (In fact, Irish Catholics who defended themselves were sent to jail, and the grand jury blamed the community’s ignorance and bad behavior for the attacks on them.) I asked Feehery if he would have urged his grandparents or great-grandparents not to build churches where people held anti-Irish Catholic prejudices; not surprisingly, he didn’t answer.

The exact same principles — and the same sort of prejudice — are involved in the case of the Park51 Community Center. I’m grateful to Douthat for reminding me of that, and I hope other people wake up.

Joan – May the road rise before you, may the idiot wind be always at your back… 

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You Gotta Pay The Troll Toll…

Posted by Matt on Saturday, August 21st, 2010

Stephenson Billingsly of Christwire.org (Tagline: “Conservative Values For An Unsaved World”) recently penned this “Is My Husband GAY?” (emphasis his) column. Who’s Stephenson Billingsly?

“My work clearly follows in the footsteps of some of today’s great Christian thinkers and teachers: Rev. Falwell, Rev. Robertson, Concerned Women of America, Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family, Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, Exodus International, National Organization for Marriage, American Family Association, Tony Perkins, Pope Ratzinger, etc. etc.”

No mention of Family Research Council Co-Founder, and long-stroke aficionado, Dr. George Rekers, but I’m sure he’s there in spirit.

"Jim never has a second cup of coffee..."

Billingsly has spent a considerable waste of time formulating a 15-point gayness checklist.  I’m not married, but I do co-habitate. Since I’m already going to Hell for that, the issue is moot; however, I’m going to take a minute to check in and see how my heterosexuality is doing these days…

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

Well I’m not off to a good start. Let’s just leave it at that. Moving on…

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

A man has to do what he has to do in order to get that free creme brulee. I also wink – early and often.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Does being a fan of Tenacious D count as being part of an all-male group? If so, I’m getting more fabulous by the minute.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

“Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers?”  2 out of 3! (And let’s just say my face is Alaska-white and Arizona-dry…)

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

How about…having a gym membership but never going  because you’re always watching sports on the couch?

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

Alright. Can we just put it out there that this author is clearly gay? Sorry buddy. I’m sure you’re crushed.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

“Man, I can’t wait to celebrate my 25th Wedding Anniversary with more missionary.” And who has a “sudden interest in sodomy?” Either you’re into it, or she’s not.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

Who doesn’t have favorite actors? I don’t know who would be considered the Phillip Seymour Hoffman of the porn industry, but I bet I would appreciate his performances.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

My friends are ugly assholes. So that’s good.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

Normally I would write something sarcastic here, but…

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

If liking The Golden Girls is gay, get me some ass-lesss chaps and let me captain the float.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

Bizarro-Me would be freaking out.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

Weekdays?

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

No, women are obviously looking for a teetotaling-early-to-bed–sloveny-fat ass-who has no friends, doesn’t travel, and is indifferent to the sexual fulfillment of both parties.  A Christian one of those, please.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Arcade Fire

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 20th, 2010

 Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

 The bouquet is rich and expansive, well-structured with lots of black cherry,
spices, cocoa and sage - an opulent treat for the palate.

 Grade: A

 Listen to this while: debating the cultural origination of hummus.

Check out their youtube-streamed MSG show. Goes down smooth.

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I Don’t Want Them, You Can Have Them, They’re Too Dark For Me

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 20th, 2010

I'm rubber, you're glue...Elmer's Glue.

I don’t know why I should be surprised by the ridiculous idiocy and intolerance of the red-faced, mouth-breathing “The-Other-Haters” on the Right, but this mosque bullshit has done it.  After trading in their hard-to-explain ”Read the Constitution“ (spelling corrected) signs for their  “Fuck The Constitution, No Muslins Allowed” placards, these people will not shut up about a Muslim-associated gym being kind of near Ground Zero, and right next to an AT&T Store. What arbitrary distance will make you happy, you fucking douchebags?!

So as they go about protesting, their colors are worn clearly on their sleeves. And those sleeves are blanched.

Sunday’s crowd included representatives of the conservative Tea Party movement, some of them wearing anti-tax T-shirts that had nothing to do with Ground Zero, Islam or terrorism.

“We must take a stand and we must say no,” shouted rally organizer Pamela Geller as the crowd roared approval. Moments later, another keynote speaker, Robert Spencer, sparked more cheers when he asked, “Are you tired of being lied to?” [  ]

At one point, a portion of the crowd menacingly surrounded two Egyptian men who were speaking Arabic and were thought to be Muslims.

“Go home,” several shouted from the crowd.

“Get out,” others shouted.

In fact, the two men – Joseph Nassralla and Karam El Masry — were not Muslims at all. They turned out to be Egyptian Coptic Christians who work for a California-based Christian satellite TV station called “The Way.” Both said they had come to protest the mosque.

I’m a Christian,” Nassralla shouted to the crowd, his eyes bulging and beads of sweat rolling down his face.

But it was no use. The protesters had become so angry at what they thought were Muslims that New York City police officers had to rush in and pull Nassralla and El Masry to safety.

I flew nine hours in an airplane to come here,” a frustrated Nassralla said afterward.

These poor guys weren’t even allowed to exercise their First Amendment Right to yell at the First Amendment!

New York City is one of the world’s greatest and most diverse cities.  Truly an awesome place.  Unfortunately, this issue was ginned up magnificently by Newt/Rush & co.  They knew the Media drones couldn’t resist this fairly cut-and-dry and relatively meaningless yet hyperbolic story.  Now Ground Zero has turned into a vortex of intolerance, and a stinging reminder of how far we haven’t come in the last 9 years. Senator Franken, one of the token non-pushover Democrats, summed it up appropriately…and then someone shot at his home.

 Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) said on Wednesday that conservative criticism of plans to develop a mosque and Islamic community center in close proximity to “Ground Zero” in New York City is “one of the most disgraceful things that I’ve heard.”

“It’s a community center. They’re going to have a gym. They’re going to have point guards. Muslim point guards,” Franken said. “They (Republicans) do this every two years. They try to find a wedge issue, and they try to work it.”

The most offensive thing I heard was from Newt Gingrich: ‘We can’t let the Nazis put up a building next to the Holocaust Museum,” asserted the Democratic Senator. “That’s equating all Muslims with Al Quaida. George W. Bush said Al Quaida is ‘a perversion of Islam.’

Gingrich analogized building the religious establishment near “Ground Zero” to Nazis putting up signs close to the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. on Monday’s edition of “Fox and Friends.”

GOP Knows Drama.

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Where’s Your Cy Young Messiah Now, Dan Burton?

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 20th, 2010

Not that there’s anything inherently unusual about a 42 year old man throwing a baseball 96 MPH, but I’ve never really trusted Roger Clemens. Maybe it’s just me.

WASHINGTON — Seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens was indicted by a federal grand jury Thursday for allegedly lying to Congress about using steroids and growth hormone. The criminal case writes a new chapter in one of Major League Baseball’s worst scandals, the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs.

A six-count indictment alleges that Clemens obstructed a congressional inquiry with 15 different statements that he made under oath in 2008, including denials that he had ever used steroids or human growth hormone. The indictment says that he lied and committed perjury regarding the same matters.

The former pitcher and his former trainer, Brian McNamee, testified under oath at a 2008 hearing before a House committee and contradicted each other about whether Clemens had used performance-enhancing drugs.

This is not going to help Clemens’ troubled defamation suit.  One guy who is likely crushed is Congressman Dan Burton (R-IN). Back during the House Hearings, Burton took to the CSPAN in defense of his boyhood hero/mancrush.  The Grandstanding gets pretty good around 8:15.

Burton also has a pretty sweet Clemens-luuuv-fest with Hannity/Geraldo. I know who’s catching!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Of all the Roid guys, a conviction in this case would suit me pretty, pretty, pretty good.  Roger always stood out as a fraud in the Sosa/McGwire mold, but he also had the ignorant arrogance that couldn’t be more obnoxious.  I know the whole, “Government should be doing more important stuff like passing the small business bill, blah blah blah…” message does make sense, but I’m still ecstatic the Feds took the time to ring him up. Fucking fraud.  No, youuuure outta here!

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Baseball Friday

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 20th, 2010

Earl Weaver – Until Snoop Pearson arrived on the scene, he was B’More’s pint-sized badass.

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I Said What?

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 20th, 2010

we're through

Check out this awesome prediction I made prior to baseball season…

NL CY YOUNG: Carlos Zambrano, Cubs – Big Z has been in the top-5 for Cy Young voting on 3 occasions. The crazy bastard finally breaks through! ”

Oh man.

Carlos, by the way…

SPLITS G GS CG IP H R ER HR BB SO W L SV HLD BLSV WHIP ERA
Season 28 12 0 76.0 90 46 42 6 44 64 4 6 0 4 0 1.76 4.97

 

If you’re not a baseball fan, that’s no good. His season also included 3 trips to the Minors, 6 Simiulated games, countless tantrums, some half-assed apologies, a handful of anger management sessions and 432 aggressive crotch grabs. But the worst number? 2010 Salary: $18,875,000

Poor form.

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What An Awesome Time That Was

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 19th, 2010

“At 3:53 am August 19, 2010, Baghdad Time, the last American combat troops in Iraq crossed the border into Kuwait and the gates behind the convoy closed.” 

While 50K Troops remain, this at least partially closes the door on one of the saddest chapters of American history. However, no one in the ‘Media’ has really cared about the Iraq War since 2004. I wouldn’t expect them to spend much time on this either. The important thing is to apparently debate a manufactured issue on whether First Amendment Rights should be extended to Muslim Americans. That’s really bringing out the best in people. We’ve come a long way. 

However, it would be nice if we took a minute to remember this criminally unnecessary and destructive War.American Deaths…Since war began (3/19/03): 4415 (Total)  3493 (In Combat)
Since “Mission Accomplished” (5/1/03) (the list) 4276 (Total)  3385 (In Combat)
Since Capture of Saddam (12/13/03): 3954 (Total) 3187 (In Combat)
Since Handover (6/29/04): 3556 (Total) 2860 (In Combat)
Since Obama Inauguration (1/20/09): 187 88
Total Wounded: 31907 (Official) Over 100000 (Estimated)

This does not include the 10,000′s of innocent civilians and allied forces killed and wounded.

Next time we have a leader itching to invade some fucking sandbox, I hope people will remember this nonsense.

1. An administration uses a national tragedy, alarmist rhetoric, and manufactured (false) evidence to build a case for invading a country that had nothing to do with said tragedy.

2. After some photo ops, the American Media packs it in. The Government saves our eyes by not allowing dead soldiers to be shown on tv. Instead we get Deal Or No Deal. People yawn and get fatter.

3. In the Muslim World, the Invasion of Iraq becomes biggest reason for anti-American sentiment (more than support for Israel, regional military bases, etc..). A great brochure for the manipulative psychos to lure alienated youth to the lucrative sexual after-life career of suicide bombing!

4. $$Trillions$$ pissed away, with (mental + physical) medical costs just beginning. Much of this money went to multi-national-tax-evading-corporations with strong ties to the loudest chickenhawks.

Surely, this doesn’t mean the end of tragedy in Iraq. More troops will die. Iraqis still have less access to clean water and electricity than they did under Saddam. It will probably continue to become a hotbed of extremism.  There will be a lot more bad before there’s much good. Maybe it’s just the end of quite a self-destructive ‘bender.’

To all those who have served and remain serving, I thank you. And I’m sorry.

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