Archive for September, 2010

Watch Out, You Might Get What You’re After

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 17th, 2010

'Meet The Rounds'

Huckster - being all compassionately christian and shit….

When Republicans attack health care reform, Democrats like to counter by accusing Republicans of wanting to repeal a law that requires insurance companies to cover people with pre-existing conditions. According to Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, that’s exactly right. People with pre-existing conditions, he explains are like houses that have already burned down.

It sounds so good, and it’s such a warm message to say we’re not gonna deny anyone from a preexisting condition,” Huckabee explained at the Value Voters Summit today. “Look, I think that sounds terrific, but I want to ask you something from a common sense perspective. Suppose we applied that principle [to] our property insurance. And you can call your insurance agent and say, “I’d like to buy some insurance for my house.” He’d say, “Tell me about your house.” “Well sir, it burned down yesterday, but I’d like to insure it today.” And he’ll say “I’m sorry, but we can’t insure it after it’s already burned.” Well, no preexisting conditions.”

What a public servant. Of course, when Mike was a fat fuck governor, he had government -provided health care to diagnose and treat his diabetes, and whatever other health problems his fat fuck family suffered from.  Unfortunately, this likely excluded much-needed psychological help for his dog-torturing, fat fuck son.

So listen up diabetics, asthmatics, cancer survivors and clubbed-foot freeloaders – just go ahead and tear yourself down (die or move to Canada). Or you can always pay out-of-pocket for the totally reasonable costs of health care these days.

Mike has finally made it so his pre-existings probably don’t matter anymore.  He has insurance through Fox News’ Platinum Jesus plan. Also, if Huck comes to power, expect to bend over for the insurance companies. And don’t expect government assistance of any kind - all those billions will be allocated to quarantine the 1 Million or so Americans suffering from HIV/AIDS.

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So This Is What Christine O’Donnell Was Talking About?

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 17th, 2010

SARASOTA, FL:  Bam! And Carl Hiaasen just wrote another book…

Via The Smoking Gun:

SEPTEMBER 15–What kind of a guy goes into Walmart, takes a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue from the magazine rack, heads to the store’s toy section, and proceeds to masturbate to completion in the aisle?

Meet William Tyler Black.

This guy.

The 28-year-old Floridian, a substitute teacher, was arrested yesterday afternoon by Sarasota cops on battery and exposure of sexual organs charges, according to a probable cause affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here.

A store employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.”

A police source told TSG that the toy in question was a lightsaber (apparently of the “Star Wars” variety), and that the magazine Black used was the 2010 SI swimsuit issue with model Brooklyn Decker on its cover. Though published in February, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue can still be found on sale months later at many retailers.

When cops confronted Black, pictured in the above mug shot, he said he was in the store “shopping for a toy for his daughter.” He was hit with the battery on a child count since investigators concluded that a “reasonable person would believe that a child would come in contact with the fluid on the toy being that it was left in the toy aisle of the store.”

The Creep is strong in this one.

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Mitch McConnell Sticking Up For The Little Goliaths

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 16th, 2010

20% of our country’s kids are now living below the poverty line. The middle-class is crumbling. But Mitch McConnell? He’s going to the mat for those most suffering during this time of economic unease – our beloved, long-suffering rich people.

Yesterday, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) unexpectedly suggested that he could support President Obama’s plan to enact permanent tax cuts for the middle class while allowing the Bush tax breaks for the wealthy to expire. Boehner’s comments have prompted fierce pushback from conservatives in the House and Senate alike, who disagree with the public about giving tax cuts to the richest Americans. In a speech on the Senate floor today, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) argued that Obama’s plan would hurt “the people who’ve been hit hardest by this recession.”

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, announced Monday he will introduce legislation that would ensure that no one pays higher income taxes next year.

“We can’t let the people who’ve been hit hardest by this recession and who we need to create the jobs that will get us out of it foot the bill for the Democrats’ two-year adventure in expanded government,” McConnell said on the Senate floor.

Remember way back when our deficit was the biggest non-mosque threat to out fragile existence? Like a month ago? Well, nevermind that the Bush tax cuts constitute a huge chunk of these yearly deficits, Obama’s compromise would finger-blast the top 2% of tax payers with 3% more finger.

Good for people who make a lot of money. Shit, The Situation is going to pull in $5 million this year.  I’ve read some people point to this as a sign of the apocalypse. Who cares? Saps are filling his pockets. Good for him.

But c’mon, Mitch. ”Suffering?” Having to be a little extra conscious about your monthly ‘Dom’ intake is not suffering. Suffering is living under a bridge and eating shoe-sole-soup out of a rusty paint can. 

This would be forgivable if it was a mere loss of perspective – which it’s not. It’s pure pandering to the people who have reaped the benefits of 30 years of GOP policies. Look, count your money but just stop fucking whining about “oppression” and shit like that. We get it. Many rich people are rich because they pride only their own selfish intentions. This is fine, but stop acting like disingenuous assholes. 


And while we’re at it, why does someone making $100 million per year pay a tax rate just two points higher than someone making $175,000 per year? They must work 500 x’s harder.

President Barack Obama wants to extend the tax cuts for individuals making less than $200,000 and joint filers making less than $250,000 in adjusted gross income. That’s income from wages, capital gains and dividends, before standard deductions and exemptions are subtracted. 

In a time of economic uncertainty, unemployment and revenue concerns for the government, this seems like a reasonable compromise all parties can get behind (Blue Dogs and GOP included).

But not to McConnell and the 2 % he really represents. As I’ve said before, there is no demographic more overrepresented in elected government than the “rich.” Not the right-handed. Not the Christians. Not even “old white men.”  And sure enough, here’s what Mitch proposed this afternoon…

As promised, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) this week introduced legislation proposing to make the budget-busting 2001 and 2003 Bush tax cuts permanent. The so-called Tax Hike Prevention Act wouldn’t merely drain $3.9 trillion from the U.S. Treasury over the next decade. At a time of record income inequality, the Republicans’ $700 billion windfall for the wealthy would virtually ensure a perpetual income gap. Call it PIG for short.

As the Washington Post reported, the price tag for the Republican scheme is staggering. Among the highlights of the McConnell bill are preventing a return of upper bracket income tax and capital gains rates to their Clinton-era levels and cutting the estate tax even as the threshold is raised to $5 million per person. Oh, and red ink as far as the eye can see:

For 30 years, policies by and for the rich have been imposed on our country. And congratulations, you’ve won.  1% of this country owns 42% of its financial wealth while the bottom 80% controls 7%. The top 2% have seen their income increase 281% in the last 30 years while most of the country has essentially flatlined.  But it’s the rich whining about ‘suffering’ while the children of the poor and (crumbling) middle-class are sent off to your b.s. wars? Yet they pay no payroll tax over 105k and take in 89% of CG income taxed at %18. No one talks about that, huh?

Yes. You ‘suffering’ patriots sacrifice so much.

You’ve won.  Count your fucking money and be thankful Reagan, Clinton, Newt, Gramm and W let you fix the system so you can reap money hand-over-fist while your cronies shipped jobs overseas. Just stop pretending you’re acting for the benefit of the rest of the country.

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Gratuitous Audio – Angry Woman Misses Criminal Minds

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 16th, 2010

If only CBS could use her zeal to promote this show…

“I don’t care about those people. All I care about is seeing the series finale of my show.” That should probably replace “land of the free, home of the brave“  for the time-being.

I’ve never seen this show, but she makes a damn good case. She doesn’t need the f’ing weather. She can just ride her Rascal Scooter over to the screen door and see if that tornado is coming her way.

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President ButtSecks?

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 16th, 2010

you're never gonna be Little Miss Sunshine with that attitude.

For the next couple years, Rick Santorum will be around, pandering to the socially awkward and conservative as he tries to get all up in your face and preside over this country’s government. As Mother Jones points out, Santorum’s blood debt to Dan Savage is presenting an ugly mess that refuses to be wiped away.

Rick Santorum would very much like to be president. For the past few years, he has been diligently appearing at the sorts of conservative events—the Values Voters Summit, the Conservative Political Action Conference—where aspiring Republican candidates are expected to show up. But before he starts printing “Santorum 2012″ bumper stickers, there’s one issue the former GOP senator and his strategists need to address. You see, Santorum has what you might call a Google problem. For voters who decide to look him up online, one of the top three search results is usually the site, which explains that Santorum’s last name is a sexual neologism for “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”

Santorum’s problem got its start back in 2003, when the then-senator from Pennsylvania compared homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia, saying the “definition of marriage” has never included “man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.” The ensuing controversy prompted syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, who’s gay, to start a contest, soliciting reader suggestions for slang terms to “memorialize the scandal.” The winner came up with the “frothy mixture” idea, Savage launched a website, and a meme was born. Even though mainstream news outlets would never link to it, Savage’s site rose in the Google rankings, thanks in part to bloggers who posted Santorum-related news on the site or linked to it from their blogs. Eventually it eclipsed Santorum’s own campaign site in search results; some observers even suggested it may have contributed to Santorum’s crushing 18-point defeat in his 2006 campaign against Bob Casey.


Savage has not forgiven Santorum for his seven-year-old comments: “Rick would have prevented me and my partner from being able to adopt my son,” he points out. But Savage does have a deal for the politician. “If Rick Santorum wants to make a $5 million donation to [the gay marriage group] Freedom to Marry, I will take it down. Interest starts accruing now.” Santorum may want to consider Savage’s offer. Otherwise, he’s kinda screwed.

Santorum/Sanchez ’12

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This Week In Real Americans

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Real America existed long ago in our pre-industrial United States. Guided by their virtuous adherence to black bondage, these Americans became soooo real that regular America just couldn’t handle their Americanism. Though they failed to establish their own Real American sanctuary/bathhouse, their realness was not extinguished but heightened through the use of backwards logic, bourbon and loud, unintelligible yells.   

Fast-forward 150 years and you would’ve thought these Patriots would find new ways to manifest their realness. Eat a KFC Double Down. Watch NASCAR while pantsless. Kick a Mexican. You know – do their duty for America. But alas, they can’t leave the past behind…  

Well, if there was ever a time to re-animate William Tecumseh Sherman...

 The National Federation of Republican Women (NFRW) held its annual fall Board of Directors meeting in Charleston, S.C. last weekend – a decision the organization is likely regretting after several controversial pictures from one of the meeting’s sponsored events began surfacing on the internet. 

One of the pictures shows S.C. Senate President Glenn McConnellwho FITS readers will recall enjoys dressing up as a Confederate General – posing in his Rebel garb with a pair of African-Americans dressed in, um, “antebellum” attire. 

The event in question – dubbed “The Southern Experience” – was held last Friday evening at the Country Club of Charleston. Hosted by the South Carolina Federation of Republican Women, it was included on the national conference’s official itinerary.  In addition to McConnell, S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford attended (and spoke at) the event – although it was not listed on his weekly public schedule. S.C. Republican Attorney General nominee Alan Wilson also attended.  

Invited speakers to the NFRW conference included U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner, Senate Leader Mitch McConnell, RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Joe Wilson, House Speaker Bobby Harrell, former U.S. Ambassador David Wilkins and GOP gubernatorial nominee Nikki Haley.

Yes, friends. The NFRW rented a couple black people to dress up as slaves – which isn’t slavery in itself because they were paid a reasonable wage and we’re in the middle of a Recession. Which makes it totally cool.  It was also nice of Sanford to take time from his Real (South) American to get Confederate for America.

Ah, the romanticism of secession. “Romanticession?”

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The New Pornographers

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

The New Pornographers – Together

Album opens with a lot of plum and mulberry, followed by an odd eucalyptus appeartion as it shifts to the mid-palate, before the typical maple and brown sugar of similar bottles takes over.

Grade: B

Listen to this while: writing another stupid blog post about The New Pornographers.


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BREAKING: Atlanta Has Scumbags!

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

He thinks the hand-pissers did this? Well dude, we just don't know.

Take cover when it’s Tomahawk Chop time at the Atlanta Braves’ Turner Field.

Only about two-thirds of the men observed washed their hands after using the restroom at Turner Field — the lowest rate for any of the locations cited in the observational study and survey on the hand-washing habits of Americans. The study, conducted every few years, was released by the American Society for Microbiology and the American Cleaning Institute at a microbiology conference in Boston.

Women tended to be more responsible hand-washers than men — and female Braves fans were no exception: 98 percent of women observed at Turner Field exercised proper hygiene before exiting the restroom.


The restroom observers reported that 85 percent of men and women observed at public places in Atlanta, Chicago, New York and San Francisco washed their hands after using a public bathroom. (Curiously, in the telephone survey, 96 percent of people said they always washed their hands after using a public bathroom.)

The restroom observers also reported that 10% of people neglected to wash their hands because they were creeped out by some weirdo ”observing” them in the restroom.

The hand-washing rate dips to 89 percent for those using the facilities at home, according to the phone survey.

People using public restrooms in Chicago and San Francisco were the most frequent hand-washers, according to the observations, with 89 percent of adults washing before exiting.

Chicago Woot woot! I’m shocked, proud and (partially) responsible.

Of course, the wash-rate in both Chicago and SF has risen since Moises Alou left the Cubs and Giants, respectively.

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We Do Law Stuff?

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

Last night, Radical Republican, and 41-year old virgin, Christine O’Donnell, won Delaware’s GOP Senate Primary on the back of her anti-masturbation platform. This represented a possible Tipping Point for the political landscape, because as you know, we sent the troops to get the oil so that you can exercise your constituional right to pleasure yourself.  Were people waking up to the fact that the GOP is dangerously out-of-touch(get it?)? Can the Democrats parlay the reminders of this extremism and failed GOP policies into a legislative victory? Oh wait. Hold on. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 

Democrats will not rule out compromising with Republicans on the Bush tax cuts benefiting the wealthiest Americans, according to House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer.

At his weekly press availability this morning, Hoyer declined to draw a bright line on the issue of tax cuts for the rich, adding to the uncertainty over whether Democrats will force Republicans to choose between tax cuts for the middle class, or no tax cuts at all.

“I’m always, as you know, prepared to discuss alternatives so that we can move forward,” Hoyer told reporters.

Though Democrats have committed to ensuring that tax cuts for middle-income brackets are extended permanently, they have yet to determine how or when they’ll accomplish that, let alone whether they might be amenable to a temporary extension of tax cuts for the rich. Hoyer said that he personally supports Obama’s tax plan and eventually wants to offset the middle class tax cuts.

At the risk of offending she-who-shan’t-be-named, are you fucking retarded?

Steny Hoyer – the sacless ‘leader’ getting a head start on the government shut down. Blue Dogs Woof Woof.

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More New Pornographers’ Hilarity

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

On the heels of some Salt Lake City protests, the good people of Calvin College and GrandRapids, Michigan have stepped it up a notch.

The New Pornographers concert at Calvin College has been canceled because of the band’s name.

The college released a statement explaining, “after weeks of discussion and consideration, the irony of the band’s name was impossible to explain to many. The band’s name, to some, is mistakenly associated with pornography. Consequently, Calvin, to some, was mistakenly associated with pornography. Neither the college nor the band endorses pornography.”

“Hello, Box Office? Yes…could you please explain ‘irony’ to me?”

I was born in Grand Rapids. Even my Navy-serving, anti-hippie Dad couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of that backwoods douchecluster. And we’re all thankful for that, Pops! Glad to see they’re staying true to form.

In other news, “The New Intolerant Humorless Creationists” will be playing a 3-night run at Calvin Fieldhouse Complex. Stay tuned. This may or may not be a Dan Bejar side-project.

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Gratuitous World Blog

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