Archive for October, 2010

Taking The “Civil” Out Of Civilization

Posted by Matt on Friday, October 29th, 2010

Remember the health care debate and all the good times we had? Remember the tea partiers interrupting town halls with unintelligible rants about fascism, Hitler and the like? Remember when armed citizens protested outside the President’s speeches? Remember when this 1st Amendment expression was exalted by the Conservative Media? 2009 was a lot of fun.

Apparently, “First” Amendment means it’s a one-way street, and speaking of fascism, some recent incidents truly capture the spirit of the 21st century conservative. A woman was protesting (the seriously unhinged) Rand Paul outside the Kentucky Senatorial Debate. This foreign combatant’s dissenting opinion was apparently too much for some Paul supporters, as these heroic men decided to throw her in a headlock and stomp on her dome in the name of freedom.

Then there’s this. Old Man take a look at your life.

Stordeur, The Enemy Within

A 72-year-old man was arrested for allegedly assaulting a 23-year-old activist protesting Dino Rossi’s Republican campaign for Senate in Washington state yesterday, according to local reports.

The incident occured outside GOP headquarters in Walla Walla County where the demonstrator, Christie Stordeur, was “one of five protesters standing about 40 feet from the entrance of the office,” according to the Tri-City Herald.

Stordeur and the other protesters “were wearing bags over their heads and holding a sign that looked like a check.” That’s when Victor Phillips, according to a Sheriff’s deputy on scene, walked over to Stordeur to “lift her bag off her head.” When Stordeur “lifted her arm in defense,” Phillips hit it “with ‘force.’”

Yes of course. Get off my (public) lawn with your free speech.

But the most insightful part comes from Tim Profitt, the Paul donor/worker who did the head-stepping. In his weird non-apology, he actually said this!

I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said. “She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.”
What?! That lil’ bitch should’ve bit the curb so I could’ve showed her how Patriotic I really am!
There’s something pathological about many conservatives’ insecuirty-driven inaility to apologize or admit mistakes.  Bush never admitted a mistake until recently, when he acknowledged his failure of sending thousands to die in a pointless war, katrina, doubling the nat’l debt, negligently presiding over a crumbling economy, to privatize social security. I mean, Dick Cheney still hasn’t apologized for SHOOTING HIS “FRIEND” IN THE FACE! 
Predictably, Fox News and conservatives have downplayed these incidents. After all, they’re still getting mileage out of a big scary black man standing in front of a Philadelphia polling place 2 years ago.
Real Americans. Men beating women who disagree with them. Just another day walking in the shoes of GOP misogynists, whose most prominent public figure once took care of her constituents by making rape victims pay for their own rape kits.
America, this is really who you’re voting for? Enjoy that.

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Gratuitous Video – Grown Men Way Into Teens

Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 28th, 2010

In High School, some friends of mine played football. They would score touchdowns and get handjobs. It was the American Dream.  Meanwhile, I passed the time announcing these football games for our local cable station. I was paired with my buddy Brian – the best color guy in west suburban Cook County. We would drink some Busch Lights, go up in the booth and amuse ourselves with sports’ nerd banter for a couple hours. There were no handjobs.

Apparently, times have changed. I know it’s rough out there for all the jobless grownups with broadcasting degrees. Combined with the permanent glut of lettermen who mentally never checked out of high school, it’s becoming apparent that actual high school students are getting squeezed out of announcing - or relegated to sideline reporting. Either way, these old timers are bringing the over-the-top exuberance while watching teenagers playing bad football. Good luck on that big break!

alright. this is Arkansas, and we all know school boards in the south will cut out chemistry class if it means keeping the lights for their football stadium. As Skinner said, “Oh Edna, we all know these children have no future!…Prove me wrong kids.” someday we will.

You heard the yokel exuberance. Now here’s some wicked agony from MA…

So long “Peaches n’ Cream.”  ‘Nuts n’ bolts, we got screwed’ has a much better ring to it. Way to own it.

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Gratuitous Senate Preview – Colorado

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

COLORADO:  Hippies, Drifters, Megachurch Movers and Obnoxious Exercisers. This state has it all. Except plentiful water.

INCUMBENT: Or should I say “Incumbent” Michael Bennet is a fellow whose positives include a

Colorado: dig it

warm smile. He took over as CO-Sen when Ken Salazar was named Obama’s Fossil Fuel Whore Secretary of the Interior. Bennet had moderate success on the city and state level in Colorado, and would be a fairly safe choice for moderates, who don’t really exist anymore. Bennet’s fall-back position as a fortune-teller might’ve been reinforced by his statement that he would support healthcare reform even if it meant losing the election.

CHALLENGERKen Buck was in the news yesterday disputing the 1st Amendment, Founders and centuries of settled law as he had previously declared his opposition to the “separation of church and state.” So of course he’s a lawyer who was hired as a US Attorney in 1986 by Dick Cheney.  At that time, Buck also disagreed with the “separation of Iran and Contras.” His illustrious federal career ended after he had improper communications with defense attorneys for some gun runners that resulted in a lesser charge. One of them donated $700 to his campaign - possibly paid in gun form.  He parlayed this position into the Weld county DA, where he failed to prosecute a rapist who actually admitted being a rapist.  So obviously the tea party loves him. A true winner in all respects.

PREDICTION: Money has been pouring into this state in the form of awesome advertisements, produced with the subtle craftsmanship of a Don Draper and the zeal of a million lemmings. I expect a tight one, but my baseless statistical analysis lends itself to the thought that the ‘Messicans’ will pull this one out for Bennet. Then they’ll take the remaining 27 jobs and hoard all the tacos. (Bennet by < 1)

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Sufjan Stevens

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

 Sufjan Stevens – All The Delighted People

  While certainly not awful, this fairly mundane vintage has a light cherry color in the glass with faint berry aromas and a short but smooth finish.

 Grade: C+

Listen to this while: wistfully brainstorming names for Sufjan’s next (long-overdue) “state” album. “Dela-Where We Sing About Chemical Companies and Favorable Tax Treatment?”

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Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

A guy woke up one day and decided he wanted to get to the bottom of Axl Rose’s adolescence, so he up and went to Lafayette, Indiana. I know. You’ve heard this story a million times, but this one comes with pictures.

Naw, that’s not really what happened. Anyway, this mug shot is of an 18-yr old Rose, aka William Bruce Bailey, Bill Bailey, etc.  As for the arrest,

It stemmed from a fight in somebody’s yard—a woman screamed at Dana and Axl for hassling her kid. Axl had a splint on his arm. He hit her with the splint. They arrested him in the parking lot of the local Frozen Custard (spelled “Custored” in the police report).

Classy. Surely, the lyrics to “One In A Million” were already percolating in that lamp-shade covered dome of his.

If you search the web, you can find all sorts of Rose arrest reports for general assholery, including property destruction, drugs, and of course, the deportation order when Axl was banished to the former Soviet Union for the crime of The Spaghetti Incident.

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Monkey See, Monkey Dude?

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

Glenn Beck took a break from plotting the repeal of the 20th Century to get science-y today. I’ll just let him do his thing:

I don’t think we came from monkeys. I think that’s ridiculous. I haven’t seen a half-monkey, half-person yet.”

If I get to the other side and God’s like, ‘You know what, yep, you were a monkey once,’ I’ll be shocked, but I’ll be cool with it,” he said.

They have to make you care,” Beck continued. “They have to force it down your throat. When anybody has to force it — it’s a problem. You didn’t have to force that the world was round. Truth is truth.”

separated at earth

I’ve apparently missed all these uber-aggressive scientists mind-raping everyone with evolutionary theory.  Maybe they should get syndicated radio shows.

Like Beck, I’m really impatient for evolution to show itself. I mean, according to the established theory, didn’t it only take a few weeks for amoebas to evolve into fish who then evolved into Leprechauns by the end of the following Spring? This guy is on onto something.

While I have seen 2 million year old human remains in East Africa, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man-monkey on the street either.

You know what else I haven’t seen yet? GOD, YOU FUCKING CLOWN. And the invocation of the earth’s shape is hilarious considering the ‘flat earth society’ existed up until the time the Soviets finally put a rocket into space. 

Beck is a stickler for Fischer Price evidence and until the 50s, I’m sure he would’ve hated all the round-earth Pythagoras-loving motherfuckers shoving all that physics down his throat.

Truth is truth? Jesus. Are you even trying anymore?

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Black Angels

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

 The Black Angels – Phosphene Dream

 The 2010 offering maintains dark oak influences, while adding some tart aromas and flavors   including cherries, cranberries and currants.

 Grade: B+

 Listen to this while: Rain Dancin’

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Gratuitous Senate Preview – Wisconsin

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

Ginny, Madison Tea Partier. I promise not to tread on you if you please, please don't tread on me

As this excruciating 2-year election season comes to a close (1-20-09, never forget!), we’re all excited for these mid-term elections to be over so that Congress can get back to grandstanding and naming roads.  In the next two weeks, GW will profile some of the more intriguing races.

WISCONSIN - A unique state that has elected progressive heroes such as Robert LaFollette and Russ Feingold, as well as Joseph McCarthy, a hero to sweaty, fear-mongering bigots. One thing remains certain – the election will probably turn on the ’2-spin’ Female demographic – a “big” part of WI’s electorate.

INCUMBENT - Feingold is seeking his 4th term, and is truly a unique breed – but not because of his jewwwwishness.  Prior to his political career, Feingold was a poor attorney, making him (supposedly) one of the Senate’s few non-millionaires. Furthermore, he often displays an independent streak, as evidenced by him being the “1″ in the Senate’s 99-1 vote to pass the ironically named Patriot Act.  He also worked with ‘pre-08 McCain’ on a landmark campaign finance bill that was recently rendered meaningless by the Roberts’ Court’s decision in Citizen’s United, which lets multi-national corporations fuck democracy in the ass. And speaking of sex acts, Feingold cast the sole Democratic vote to continue Clinton’s Fellatio trial.

His independent spirit and  willingness towards bipartisanship are exactly what many voters have been clamoring for. So he’ll probably lose.

Not Fun Fact -  The average donation to Feingold’s campaign is $53. That’s a little more than 2 visits to Madison’s Plasma Clinic (which paid @ $25 a pop in 2000.)

CHALLENGER - Ron Johnson is one of the handful of teabagger-friendly candidates currently running in this horrific election cycle. He’s a self-made man who has pulled himself up by his Elk Ridge hunting bootstraps through a combination of federal grants and marrying well.  He also testified on behalf of the Green Bay Diocese’s right to shuffle child molesters around and not get sued.  This piety is derived from the Founders, so he’s clearly more American than your pinko ass.

Not Fun Fact - Johnson thinks scientists who believe Global Warming is attributable to man-made causes are “crazy” and the theory is “lunacy.” Not-A-Scientist-Johnson thinks, “It’s far more likely that it’s just sunspot activity or just something in the geologic eons of time.” or some shit like that…could be anything…but DEFINITELY not man-made.

PREDICTION -  From Eau Claire to Janesville (gross),  tea “partiers” will be celebrating like lubricated Packers fans. Russ makes it close, but enough hefty Wisconsinites will be able to squeeze into the voting booths and squeeze out a victory for Rascal Scooter users everywhere.  At the end of the day, the Senate loses its true “maverick.” Thanks a lot, Wisconsin…and learn how to fucking drive.

(Johnson by 2.)

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Kirk Drops “J” Word

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Kirk (right) with random guy from plane

Wannabee Conservative and Wannabee War Hero Mark Kirk is in a close contest with a tall, shifty greek man (is there any other kind?) for our exalted Kenyan Leader’s former Senate seat.

Kirk learned the greatest lesson from the ’08 election, when a non-profit on a shoestring budget (ACORN) won the presidency for Chairman Obama by stealing 9 million votes – all from ‘teh Blacks.’

Staying true to the founders, Kirk will soon be a GOP hero by deploying his “voter integrity squad” to deny black 3/5th Americans the right to vote.

“These are lawyers and other people that will be deployed in key, vulnerable precincts, for example, South and West sides of Chicago, Rockford, Metro East, where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat,” he said in the audio posted on YouTube.

“Voter integrity” of course means “voter suppression,” which continues to be a huge part of the Republican Party’s promotion of electoral democracy.

Now I have to volunteer as an election lawyer to help prevent these squads from jigga-ing the election. A whole day of tedious selflessness? Damn. Thanks Mark.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]