1. TSA Patdowns - Fighting the loneliness over the holidays? Now you can tell your invasive and patronizing Aunt Suzie about the new fella you met – Clint, the employed guy with good benefits who fisted you earlier that week. Pass the brussel sprouts.
2. Corporate Profits - Bad Economydouchebaghedgefundmanagersayswhat?
American businesses earned profits at an annual rate of $1.659 trillion in the third quarter, according to a Commerce Department report released Tuesday. That is the highest figure recorded since the government began keeping track over 60 years ago, at least in nominal or noninflation-adjusted terms.
Hoo-ray! Don’t worry, not-obscenely-rich Americans. You don’t have to grab that expired Butterball out of the Wal-Mart dumpster this year. Splurge on the good stuff. Boom times are ahead! Trickle Down, people! Jobs for all. Motorboats for some. Leather Backgammon sets for others. Valtrex for a few. We’re all going to be ok. The Captains of Industry redeem themselves! Oh wait.
Still, most economists say the current growth rate is far too slow to recover the considerable ground lost during the recession.
“The economy is not growing fast enough to reduce significantly the unemployment rate or to prevent a slide into deflation,” Paul Dales, a United States economist for Capital Economics, wrote in a note to clients. “This is unlikely to change in 2011 or 2012.”
Shit. It must be that anti-big business black guy in the white house. Be thankful for that moment of false hope.
3. Cookie Monster - The Relapsed addict and blue-american is at once a tragic and sympathetic figure. Now he wants to host Kristen Wiig’s Saturday Night Live. Like cocaine-addict Lindsay Lohan and 9/11-addict Rudy Giuliani before him, this opportunity could be a brief return to glory – a moment of warmth in life that is intermittently “crumbling.” LOL!
4. Perspective – Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl has always been a scumbag, whose scum was first exposed to me during the Deon Thomas incident of the late 1980s. Now he has been suspended for recruiting infractions (that he admitted to). However, his wife is not happy about it at all. The Pearls have been victimized. And she apparently lives in a college dorm room, maybe with Meghan McCain. Hopefully she enjoys her Thanksgiving Break.
5. Hands – Honestly, what would you do without them? Can you pass the gravy? I mean, can you fork some mashed potatoes in my mouth then pour some of that juice in there? Ah, too hot! Thanks for The Clapper, Grandma. Too bad I can’t operate this obsolete sound-activated electrical device. And those “hands-free” bluetooth devices? Try operating that shit with a couple of stumps. ‘Hey Timmy, do you want to join the class and make a hand-turkey on construction paper? Oh, that’s right. Just sit quietly in the corner trying to pick your nose.’
When you join hands in prayer, don’t forget to thank Bruce Pearl for all he sacrificed so you could have phalanges to text message and play with yourself .