Archive for November, 2010

America Loves Lists! Thanksgiving 2010

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

What are we thankful for?

1. TSA Patdowns - Fighting the loneliness over the holidays? Now you can tell your invasive and patronizing Aunt Suzie about the new fella you met – Clint, the employed guy with good benefits who fisted you earlier that week. Pass the brussel sprouts.

2. Corporate Profits - Bad Economydouchebaghedgefundmanagersayswhat?

American businesses earned profits at an annual rate of $1.659 trillion in the third quarter, according to a Commerce Department report released Tuesday. That is the highest figure recorded since the government began keeping track over 60 years ago, at least in nominal or noninflation-adjusted terms.

Hoo-ray! Don’t worry, not-obscenely-rich Americans. You don’t have to grab that expired Butterball out of the Wal-Mart dumpster this year. Splurge on the good stuff.  Boom times are ahead! Trickle Down, people! Jobs for all.  Motorboats for some. Leather Backgammon sets for others. Valtrex for a few. We’re all going to be ok. The Captains of Industry redeem themselves! Oh wait.

Still, most economists say the current growth rate is far too slow to recover the considerable ground lost during the recession.

“The economy is not growing fast enough to reduce significantly the unemployment rate or to prevent a slide into deflation,” Paul Dales, a United States economist for Capital Economics, wrote in a note to clients. “This is unlikely to change in 2011 or 2012.”

Shit. It must be that anti-big business black guy in the white house. Be thankful for that moment of false hope.

3.  Cookie Monster - The Relapsed addict and blue-american is at once a tragic and sympathetic figure. Now he wants to host Kristen Wiig’s Saturday Night Live. Like cocaine-addict Lindsay Lohan and 9/11-addict Rudy Giuliani before him, this opportunity could be a brief return to glory – a moment of warmth in life that is intermittently “crumbling.” LOL!

4.  Perspective –  Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl has always been a scumbag, whose scum was first exposed to me during the Deon Thomas incident of the late 1980s. Now he has been suspended for recruiting infractions (that he admitted to).  However, his wife is not happy about it at all. The Pearls have been victimized. And she apparently lives in a college dorm room, maybe with Meghan McCain. Hopefully she enjoys her Thanksgiving Break.

The descendants of Barabbas beg to differ. Too soon?

5.  Hands – Honestly, what would you do without them? Can you pass the gravy? I mean, can you fork some mashed potatoes in my mouth then pour some of that juice in there? Ah, too hot! Thanks for The Clapper, Grandma. Too bad I can’t operate this obsolete sound-activated electrical device.  And those “hands-free” bluetooth devices? Try operating that shit with a couple of stumps.  ‘Hey Timmy, do you want to join the class and make a hand-turkey on construction paper? Oh, that’s right. Just sit quietly in the corner trying to pick your nose.’

When you join hands in prayer, don’t forget to thank Bruce Pearl for all he sacrificed so you could have phalanges to text message and play with yourself .

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Bruce (56). giddyup.

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A Roast Is Born

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Put down that David Eggers' book and get you some...

Chicago elitists will be rejoicing this winter as two local favorites, Intelligentsia coffee and the band Wilco, have collaborated on a side project.

Wilco now has its own line of coffee beans—“Wilco Selection,” available for pre-order now through Chicago-based coffee makers Intelligentsia.

The last decade has seen the proliferation of both entities. Intelligentsia is still producing at a high level – as I experiece every Sunday, deliciously prepared with my french press, and paired with a mixed berry scone and Sunday NYT.  I sip it delicately, in between scoffs and headshakes directed at people attending religious services. As for Wilco, they’re still putting out albums.  Here’s the business:

This coffee comes from the Sidama region of Ethiopia and is grown by the Homecho Waeno co-op…The aromatics of coffee blossom and violet make way for an incredibly graceful and elegant cup. The body has a light and silky quality, like fresh whipped cream, that beautifully compliments the ever-present note of citron, juniper berry and vanilla. As it cools, the cup blossoms into notes of confectioner’s sugar, rosehips, and soft raisin, resonating on a pristine finish with a touch of milk chocolate. ”

This varies slightly from the “Jeff Tweedy Solo Selection,” which is essentially the same bean, but comes with an  annoying hipster to “shush” anyone who talks during any part of the brewing process.

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Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 20th, 2010

bo,bo,bo, where did you go...?

Bo Derek is 54. She also has the dubious honor of winning three Golden Raspberry Worst Actress Awards for Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981), Bolero (1984) and Ghosts Can’t Do It (1990), and was nominated in 2000 as the “Worst Actress of the Century”. This, of course, is just a vast liberal conspiracy, as Derek is one of the few Conservative Hollywood biscuits and a fine fine actress.

Finally, an odd note on her wikipedia page that brings up more questions than answers…

When White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten was asked about the nature of his relationship with Bo Derek on the April 30, 2006 edition of Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, Bolten identified Derek as a “friend” and as a “strong supporter of the President.”

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Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Posted by Matt on Friday, November 19th, 2010

Kerri Strug – America’s greatest hero until the guy on Man V. Food came along, turns 33 today.

default video – because I couldn’t find her amazing guest appearance on 90210*. smug assholery aside, she’s pretty tough. smug assholery back on, there’s some great hair in this clip.

*From grown man and 90210-a-phile, kmac, here’s the synopsis of the episode where Strug appeared in a cameo, registering for college,

Steve leads a group of KEG pledges in a Spirit Day prank; they run through Chancellor Arnold’s speech wearing nothing but shaving cream, only to have the sprinklers come on.
that steve sanders

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Is Everyone OK?!!

Posted by Matt on Friday, November 19th, 2010

Oh my God, are you alright?!! Do you know what has been happening on AMERICAN soil. Where was the media, consarnit? why wasn’t I warned?! The children!

 NEW YORK — The first Guantanamo detainee to face a civilian trial was acquitted Wednesday of all but one of the hundreds of charges he helped unleash death and destruction on two U.S. embassies in 1998 – a mixed result for what’s been viewed as a terror test case.

A federal jury convicted Ahmed Ghailani of one count of conspiracy to destroy U.S. property and acquitted him on more than 280 other counts, including one murder count for each of the 224 people killed in the embassy bombings. The anonymous jurors deliberated over seven days.

U.S. District Judge Lewis Kaplan had thanked the jury, saying the outcome showed that justice “can be rendered calmly, deliberately and fairly by ordinary people – people who are not beholden to any government, even this one.”

In a statement, Department of Justice spokesman Matthew Miller said U.S. officials “respect the jury’s verdict” and are “pleased” that Ghailani faces a minimum of 20 years and a maximum of life in prison at sentencing on Jan. 25.

How dare Eric Holder adhere to the Rule of Law and let the terrorists win? Putting findings of law in the hands of terr’ist juries and terr’ist judges? Why does he insist on shaving crescent moons into the fur America’s golden labs? There are too many variations of hummus, Holder! You think this is a coincidence?! Open your eyes!

And what about all the attacks that happened? The circus? What about the circus?

Well, predictably others weren’t happy about it…

U.S. Rep. Pete Hoekstra, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said Wednesday’s verdict confirms that the Obama administration’s decision to try Gitmo detainees in civilian courts “was a mistake and will not work.”

“This case was supposed to be the easy one, and the Obama administration failed – the Gitmo cases from here-on-out will only get more difficult,” Hoekstra, of Michigan, said in a statement.

U.S. Rep. Peter King, a New York Republican who’s the ranking minority leader of the Homeland Security Committee, called the verdict a “wake-up call” for the White House.

I appreciate the call to more substance-free, fear-based justice, despite whatever that fucking Constitution says. Has King changed his undies yet? But of course they’re right. And of course this is what they stood behind last year…

The extensive security requirements in the vicinity of the court house and the surrounding area would create massive economic and emotional turmoil in a part of the city that has already suffered greatly from unthinkable acts of terrorism. You need to move the trial away from this large, vital urban center to a less populated location.

The projected $215 million annual cost for security doesn’t take into consideration the impact that these security measures will have on our economy, businesses, residents and visitors.

Is New York still there, or did everyone leave? And the Media coverage of the trial was just fantastic. It’s good to know this is only a story when hyperbolic GOP mouthpieces need to paint Obama as a terr’ist and the MSM obliges with their vintage record/play/ignore facts  coverage.

Oh well. I’m just glad we all survived.

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Calling My Own Number

Posted by Matt on Friday, November 19th, 2010

When you saw only one set of cleat-prints, it was then that I carried you. you're welcome.

Partial Redemption.

Check out this little slice of GW’s 2010 MLB Preview

AL CY YOUNG: Felix Hernandez, Mariners – The best 2-pitch pitcher in baseball should dominate this season. Then he will best CC Sabathia in a torta-eating contest.     

Slightly better than my NL Pick

anyway, look at me and lavish praise upon me for correctly predicting something about sports!

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Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 18th, 2010

Kevin Nealon (weirdo) clocks in at 57 (prostate issues)…Here he is in the early 1990s (80s afterbirth) presenting some entertainment award (get over yourselves)…

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Kathryn Calder

Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 18th, 2010

  Kathryn Calder - Are You My Mother?

  Blended from a couple vintages, this medium-bodied effort entices with subtle aroma of ripe pear and honey.

 Grade: B

  Listen to this while: contemplating what to write on that birthday card that is being awkwardly passed around the office.

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Bored of the Dance?

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Today we are all catty judges of dance.

Dance-related drama is in vogue as Bristol Palin gets after it on Dancing With The Stars. This reality show is obviously the final battle to determine who will control the earth and the freemasons’ army of castrating replicants.

Yesterday, I read certain tea partiers have been mobilizing armies of baggers to quit their jobs/soap operas and spend all day doing some on-line ‘serving’ of the other contestants by working over the show’s voting system. Here are some comments!

“Here’s a hint: They don’t have to be VALID email addresses to register them with ABC.com, there is apparently no validation process. The just have to be formatted like a valid email address, and you must use a valid zip code and a birthdate that makes you old enough to vote. I’m voting like a democrat, all night long…”

“No, it doesn’t have to be a valid email address – I had one of my anonymous ones XXX@yahoo.com that I used, and then just did the sign-up process all over again with XXX1@yahoo.com and it worked.”

“Got my 80 votes in online…took 2 hours. I am beat”

“I only got 42 in, I have some catching up to do!”

“Lord have mercy, I voted for 3 hours online! I got 300 in.”

[T]he fact we’ve been all doing this for Bristol has been driving the Left NUTS…For conservatives, enjoy the fun of finally, at last, getting a taste of what it’s like to be a Democrat. You can vote as much as you want. You can vote using all sorts of names. You can vote all day. You can’t get paid to vote, because you aren’t really a Democrat, silly, but you can get as close as you can possibly get without being in a union or taking part in ACORN.

Fun? Maybe if you substitute “have sex” for “vote,” then maybe the “Left” could get into that. and ACORNunionsbad because boo! On the other hand, maybe that’s why Obama/Reid refuse to put up a fight re: taxes, Nuke Treaty, anything.  They’re merely captive to their anti-Palin dancing rage and can’t tear themselves away from the teevee.

Anyway, some dancing happened last night. According to the radio ad I heard this morning, in a surprising turn of events, Brandy is still considered a “star.” She also lost to Palin, and people are indignant/ecstatic because apparently her survival was totally undeserved/warranted.

Meanwhile, in the B-Plot, future star of MTV’s Teen Mom, Willow Palin got homophobically hypersensitive in defense of her family, with assists from Dancer. Instead of taking it to the dance floor, Willow took it to the only other place where disputes are settled theses days – Facebook.

More posts here. Willow Palin’s “Internet Justice” coming soon to TLC.  As for this issue, Alaska’s Sharks and Jets should settle this dispute the 21st Century Alaskan Way – a meth-driven Dance-off.

Returning briefly to the real world/televised dance contests, this story probably wins the day if disturbing subtext can be victorious…

Allegedly set off by Bristol Palin’s appearance on “Dancing with the Stars,” a rural Black Earth man kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours Monday and Tuesday before he surrendered to police…

According to the complaint, Cowan and his wife were watching “Dancing with the Stars” when Cowan jumped up and swore as Bristol Palin appeared, saying something about “the (expletive) politics.” Cowan was upset that a political figure’s daughter was on the show when he didn’t think she was a good dancer, the complaint states.

Cowan went upstairs for about 20 minutes and returned, demanding his pistols, which had been taken by his daughter about a month ago for safety reasons. He was carrying a single-shot shotgun, which he loaded and fired into the television.

Sometimes the Tree of Liberty needs to be sprayed with shards of electronic display devices.  However, sometimes the remote control is mightier than the 12-Gauge. Save that shell for the next Packers’ playoff loss.

Finally, there’s this shit, for which I really have no words. WWMWD ? Dancing is no longer a casual release. It’s life, death, and the shitty part in between. Thanks, McCain.

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Gratuitous World Blog

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    • REPOST!…SNOW MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE…
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