Archive for February, 2011

Liveblogging ALL-STARS, Celebrities & Indoor Sunglasses – AKA “Black Thanksgiving”

Posted by Matt on Saturday, February 19th, 2011

Steve Kerr heaving half-court shots. We must go to the same trainer.

Gasol = ostrich.  the most talented flightless bird spain has ever produced.

My Little Buddy Townes doesn’t get the WNBA either. Townes: 1 year old. Dancer. Discerning taste in soup and basketball.

“Taco Bell Skills Challenge”:  Can John Wall eat more Mexican Pizzas than DRose? Can TBell’s Executive Chef produce a product with ground beef that is lower than 30% real meat? Can someone find a seat for Eduardo Najera?

I hope the thousands of southerners who celebrated today’s 150th Treason Anniversary are taking the time to sit down to watch and listen to this exhibition of rich, talented black men, and self-indulgent hollywood ‘liberals.’ Sherman, mofo’s.

Can Stephen Curry add this Skills’ title to his plethora of NCAA awards and NBA’s “Most Jaundiced Visage” title? Good kid, though. Love all 4 of those contestants.

Cheryl Miller – glasses on or glasses off. Pick a side!

Marky Mark. Why does Red Sox gear invariably make people look like insufferable pricks?


Stacey King Twitter Feed: “Damn I’m not watching the 3pt contest…I’m boycotting the event since they didn’t invite Kyle “Hot Sauce” Korver…What a joke!!!!”  Awesome.

Great lineup for the 3pt contest. Can KD do it? James Jones is my darkhorse, but I’m going KD.

Grown to love Ray Allen. 4 Hall of Famers rolling with the Celtics.

Why can’t ESPN ever put together a panel like TNT? Love Chuck + Kenny. Don’t hestitate to bring the critic.

RayRAy’s omnipotent mother. Standard.

Ballin’ At Holiday Inn Grand Rapids. Holla!

KD needs a hand in is face. Ouch.

Insider info, Shaq’s woman is named Hoopz. That’s hoopz, with a ‘z.’

James Jones, gunner. go snag yourself a kardashian, son.

The NBA on TNT presentss to you, The Winners of Tokyo’s Making the Band.  do it.

Chocolate Thunder: sweet outfit.

Never a huge Dunk Contest fan, but anyone who’s watching is just waiting to see Blake Griffin do something. Make it agape!

This Just In: James Jones dedicated his 3-point title to Wisconsin’s teachers. He stands with you, Ms. Schultz. On Wisconsin!

I don’t know about 50, but that shit was hot, Javale McGee!

oooh, blake.

DeRozan’s 2nd dunk was the goods. Asian child w/ fauxhawk just out-clowned Darryl Dawkins.

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Wake Up The Echoes

Posted by Matt on Saturday, February 19th, 2011

Via the Tribune/Anna North at

Last year, Elizabeth Seeberg committed suicide after an alleged sexual assault by a Notre Dame football player. Now another woman says that she was assaulted by a Notre Dame student — and that once again, the university didn’t take the case seriously.

The second woman hasn’t been named — but we’ll call her M, for St. Mary’s College, where (also like Seeberg) she was a student when the assault occurred. According to the Chicago Tribune (which also assiduously covered the Seeberg case), M reported being assaulted on Sept. 4 by a Notre Dame student in his dorm room. She was drunk and can’t remember the night, but her friends found her afterwards “with blood seeping through her denim shorts and running down her legs.” M said she was a virgin before the assault “and would never have consented to sex.”

Like Seeberg, she quickly went to Notre Dame police and underwent a medical exam. She also said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to press charges. So the police did nothing until M’s father called to complain. At that point — nearly a week after the attack — detectives made some attempt to investigate, but M said of one of them, “It seemed that protecting Notre Dame was her best interest, not me.” Ultimately, county prosecutor Michael Dvorak chose not to file charges because “It would be difficult to convince a jury that the woman was too intoxicated to give consent.”

Dvorak said the delay in investigation had no effect on his decision, but the Tribune talked to lots of experts who are critical of Notre Dame’s handling of the case. Says lawyer Barry Spector of the police department’s decision to wait, “That’s not an investigation. The suspects have a chance to get their story straight and to hire a lawyer. If you want to do a real investigation, you talk to them right away.” Other experts pointed out that police may not have wanted to pressure M to participate in an investigation during a time of trauma, but there’s a difference between giving a victim space and just not following up on her accusations (possibly in the hopes that they’d simply go away). And M and her family feel Notre Dame was guilty of the latter.

What’s more, they see a pattern. Recalling the Seeberg case, M says,

Looking back, I’m surprised that they dealt with my case in the exact same way after the loss of another student’s life. I thought that would have given them incentive to speed up my case.

Apparently not. In fact, the Notre Dame police didn’t even assign M’s case to anyone — let alone begin investigating — until 3 days after the assault occurred. The reason: “the department was stretched thin by the first home football game of the season.” Presumably some police presence was needed at the game, but, at least symbolically, this sends a disturbing message about where Notre Dame’s priorities lie.

Coach Brian Kelly: complicit, fat-fingered.

Notre Dame is a magical place.  A fucked up kingdom, taken from the pale weathered hands of the North Indiana Amish, and given to the entitled prick children of suburban Catholic royalty. A city-state where the police answer to the all-powerful football program, who in turn answers to the gold-dripped athletic department, who in turn answers to the dictatorial cabal known as the ‘Fellows’ and their Board Of Trustees.

On April 8, 1967, the Fellows of the University approved new Bylaws which, except to the extent of those powers reserved for the Fellows, delegated the general power of governance to a Board of Trustees. This Board of Trustees consists of members of the Congregation of Holy Cross as well as laymen and women. The Trustees hold at least three regular meetings each academic year and operate under the following thirteen (13) standing committees: the Executive Committee, the Governance and Nominating Committee, the Academic and Faculty Affairs Committee, the Student Affairs Committee, the Investment Committee, the Finance Committee, the University Relations/Public Affairs and Communication Committee, the Committee on Social Values and Responsibilities, the Audit Committee, the Committee on Athletic Affairs, the Facilities and Campus Planning Committee, the Compensation Committee and the International Facilities Committee.

As these sad sad stories imply, the Board cares only about the school’s reputation ($), and if some St.Mary’s co-ed has to be scarred for life by being sexually assaulted by some Busch Light fueled, super-aggro and underachieving 4-star recruit, so be it.

I picture these awful people like the Council of Cardinals, in South Bend’s version of the papal conclave – some smoke-filled room where they drink scotch and make indigent Paraguayan women walk across hot coals, just because they enjoy watching it.

I grew up a huge Notre Dame fan. I saw them beat Miami 31-30 in 1988. To this day, it is still the most memorable sporting event I attended. It was a 1 vs. 2 battle dubbed “Catholics vs. Convicts” by the self-righteous Domers.

Times have changed. Or maybe they’re just worse at cleaning up the messes. ND, Boo.

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Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Posted by Matt on Friday, February 18th, 2011

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post - gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).


I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.

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Gratuitous Video: At Least This Taint-Drunk Irish Guy Doesn’t Disrespect The Presidency By Using The Word ‘Dude’

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 17th, 2011

The White House loves sending the President on this guy’s show. Maybe he’ll persuade this contempt-filled tabloid hack and all the objective FN viewers that he’s not MuslimPaganMansonMustard.

Dickishness > Informality.

Hearts & Minds, people. Hearts? Umm. Minds? If you say so.

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“It’s Like Cairo Has Moved To Madison”…And They’re All Standing In Line At The KK

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 17th, 2011

February Is Clearly Black  History  Wisconsin? Fuck! Month.

First it was the Super Bowl. For the Christina Aguilera (and Bears’) fan in me, it wasn’t a very good time.  Then it was 2 weeks of bad weather and Rep. Paul Ryan’s hilarious budget proposal. Now it’s Governor Scott Walker’s time to shine as this week’s  biggest dick. Next thing you know, the BoDeans will cancel their 2/20 date in Eau Clare.

This morning, trusty Paul Ryan took to that show with the Starbucks’ -shilling hosts who conduct speed-dating interviews so they can get to the next commercial break before sharting themselves.

Host Mika Brzezinski asked Ryan what he made of the protests and Walker’s “stand.”

“He is basically saying, state workers, which have extremely generous benefit packages relative to their private sector counterparts, they contribute next to nothing to their pensions, very, very little in their health care packages,” Ryan responded “He’s asking that they contribute about 12% for their health care premiums, which is about half of the private sector average, and about 5.6% to their pensions. It’s not asking a lot, it’s still about half of what private sector pensions do and health care packages do. So he’s basically saying, I want you public workers to pay half of what our private sector counterparts are, and he’s getting, you know, riots. It’s like Cairo has moved to Madison these days. It’s just, all of this demonstration. It’s fine, people should be able to express their way, but we’ve got to get this deficit and debt under control in Madison, if we want to have a good business climate and job creation in Wisconsin.”

egypt. wait, no. madison.

They have intellectual dishonesty there, too! Though I’m sure Mika would’ve called him on it if she wasn’t distracted by sheer tensity of her ass-muscles.

Rep. Ryan – That is not what the protests are about.  All parties recognize the budget crises in many statehouses. It’s not about a possible rise in pension/health care contributions.  The protests are about Wisconsin’s GOP stripping the bargaining rights of workers – protective rights held for generations.

Add in a dash of ‘let’s threaten to call the national guard to enforce our police state on their brothers and sisters,’ and the milk is starting to curdle. 

And yes – Madison is just like Cairo! Except that most Wisconsites are 3 times the size and only beat their women after Packers’ losses.

If Paul Ryan wants to see Madtown riot, he should get there on Halloween or that Saturday night when daylight savings time causes the bars to close an hour before the logically drunk think they should close. Maybe he can dress as that new lanky guy on The Office (gabe?). Or as Rick Berry’s non-athletic son.

I could get on my organized labor soapbox – it’s my new speciality. Age of Prosperity, empowered workers, how real wages for the middle class have not risen in over 20 years, and blahbalhblah.  But it’s too late for that.

This bill will pass and the I’m guessing a lot of responsibility should be placed on the people who sat on the bench last November, hurt and obsessed with Mike McCarthy’s 4th and 1 call at Detroit, while your obese uncles were squeezing into the polling booth to pull the lever for this teabaggin’ dragon. 

As Russ Feingold said, we’re looking at the ‘Gilded Age on Steroids.‘ Well done, Scott Walker. You win.

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Gratuitous World Is Now On Twitter #LOLZ

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 17th, 2011

I’ve run out of internet.  The Tribune-CBS Sports-TPM-Wonkette cycle does not lend itself to meeting the FDA’s recommended daily doses of procrastination.

Hello, Romania! Be gentle.

Gratuitous World On Twitter.

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Tumbleweeds Through The Village As Lovely Minuteman Leader Convicted Of Killing Brown Americans

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Arizona has been doing a lot better since this

Forde: One if by Land, Two if by Cold Blooded Homicide

A Pima County jury convicted Shawna Forde today (2/14) of two counts of first-degree murder in the May 30, 2009 deaths of Arivaca residents Raul Junior Flores and his 9-year-old daughter, Brisenia.

The jury also convicted Forde of attempted first-degree murder in the shooting of Flores’ wife, Gina Gonzalez, as well as related aggravated assault and robbery counts.

On the first day of the trial, which has gained national attention (the HN scroll bar), Gonzalez testified her husband woke her to say the police were at the door. The woman at the door identified herself and the man with her as law enforcement officers looking for fugitives, Gonzalez said.

When her husband questioned the veracity of their story, Gonzalez said the gunman opened fire, shooting her husband and Gonzalez. As Gonzalez played dead on the floor, the gunman fired two bullets into their youngest daughter’s head, despite the little girl’s pleas…

Moments after the couple and two accomplices left, Gonzalez testified the woman returned to find her on the phone with 911 and called out to the gunman to finish her off. Gonzalez said she fled to the kitchen, armed herself and fired back when the gunman tried to kill her again. He then fled.

Forde, Jason Bush, 36, and Albert Gaxiola, 44, were arrested within two weeks of the slayings. Bush, the alleged gunman, and Gaxiola are scheduled to go to trial March 15 and June 1, respectively.

Prosecutors Rick Unklesbay and Kellie Johnson presented evidence they said showed Forde recruited Gaxiola, Bush and others to rob Flores because she suspected he was a drug smuggler and she needed a way to fund her Minuteman American Defense border organization.

Just is case this may be construed as an act of domestic terrorism, CNN (et. al) will be very careful not to call this an act of domestic terrorism.

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Lobbyist Governor Stands By Great American Racist

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Haley Barbour took a moment from gnawing on a pig’s ear to loosen his double-windsor and chortle a coded defense of a Confederate hero from the American Civil War (1861-2011):

Asked by reporters today in Jackson, Mississippi, Barbour not only refused to denounce efforts by some to create a license plate honoring Confederate general and Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan Bedford Forrest. He said he was out of the denouncing business altogether.

“I don’t go around denouncing people,” said Barbour, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger reports. “That’s not going to happen. I don’t even denounce the news media.”


Barbour also added: “I know there’s not a chance it’ll become law.”

Forrest was a slave trader before the Civil War, who became known during the war for his significant innovations in military strategy — and also, the paper notes, for leading a massacre of captured black Union troops at Fort Pillow, Tennessee. He founded the Ku Klux Klan after the war, but later left the organization.

This country was built on the backs of people bought, sold, and killed by Nathan Bedford Forrest. What a hero. Haley Barbour’s 3-legged-race buddy Tony Hayward thanks you for your inspiration.

Give certain people the chance to fly their intolerance flag via car accessories, and they’ll take a half day of work off to stand in line at the Secretary of State’s office.

The Legacy of Civil Rights: Racism doesn’t die. It just gets more passive-aggressive.  USA!

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Diamond Rings

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

 Diamond Rings – Special Affections

 Somewhat smooth on the palate, the fruit flavors are well-balanced, while the finish is somewhat one note and a little too dry, almost astringent.

Grade: B

Listen to this while:  playing Nintendo Wii jai lai.

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This Week In Sun

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

Our Sun: Life-Giving Star? Reality Show Stage Light? Raisin-Peddling Junkie God?

It’s a mystery that can only be unlocked by a series of Time/Life books.

this is the sun.

And in much of Russia, these infomercials have yet to run between the mid-day Just The Ten Of Us marathons.

In a survey released this week, 32 percent of Russians believed the Earth was the center of the Solar system; 55 percent that all radioactivity is man-made; and 29 percent that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth.

“It’s really quite amazing,” spokeswoman Olga Kamenchuk said of the survey that polled 1,600 people across Russia’s regions in January, with a 3.4-percent margin of error…

However, people tend to forget what they have been taught at school if it is not part of daily use, she added: “I wonder whether our colleagues in other countries would find any different.”

Haha, of course they do, you borscht-bathing astronomical peons – stop spitting nonsense like an off-brand Uzbeki Speak n’ Spell!


What could it be? Play it close to the denim vest, people. The Cajun gulag is the worst gulag.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]