Good afternoon. I hope this letter finds you well. I’m sure it finds you dirty. How’s your day going? I hope you found something constructive to do with the self-respect I left somewhere around town this weekend.
Let’s just get this of the way: I’m guessing there are a lot of places where the lines between stripper and prostitute get blurred like the vision of that 52-year old Jimmy Buffett fan from Fayetteville. Not sure how many do it with such gusto. Your character is concealed like the handguns of your bar patrons. Kudos.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not writing you to discuss the sex trade. I don’t have the kind of money you’re looking for.
But I do have a question. They call you ‘Music City.’ Is that something you came up with? Pretty ballsy to call your own number like that. I will concede that you are a city and there’s music. However, at least in the downtown area, it’s hard to tell where one bar/band ends and another bar/band begins. (Caveat: well-done to the Saturday afternoon set band with the frontwoman who did a kickass version of “Jolene.” Awesome.)
If you get back to me, just let me know how you can claim that title as opposed to, say, Austin.
I don’t mean to sound critical. I like a little honky-tonk now and then. To each their own and you are certainly a fun time. Though I’m not sure I really need to take a flight to drink dozens of beers and have a girl from suburban Chicago comment on how skinny I am. I used to call that ‘Friday.’
But back to the music thing…There’s really a song that goes, “God is great, and Beer is Good…and People are craaaazay?” That’s literally a hit? I hear it everywhere. Are you cool with this? Speaking of which, I’ve been working on my own country tune. Here’s what I have so far. Let me know what you think.
“21st Century Country Song”
I fly the stars n’ stripes,
I fly the stars n’ bars,
with no sense of irony
now let’s talk about cars
And I like women.
I like ‘em a lot.
Now somethin’ bout Jesus
We’ll give it a shot.
I’m singin’ country sonnggs. Twenty-First century country sonnnngs
Gonna say some shit about liquor and trucks
Play it on the radio, make big bucks,
I’m singin’ country songggs.
The Vanderbilt campus has some nice trees and asian grad students. FYI
Anyway, I’m sure there are sections of town off the beaten path with some hidden gems. I’m sure someday I might get there. I’m sure someday I’ll be allowed back in a Marriott-family hotel. I’m sure someday me and my 8 asshole buddies will rent that commercial space on 4th Street and open that community center/pharmacy. I’ll work the cash register and run the family planning department. That day is not today.
In short, it was a pleasure to come and a pleasure to go. I’ll see you again. But we probably need a little space. I still need to wash you off. Take care.