Yes, we know you’re pretty much broke like the rest of us, but if you + a few dozen pals have sold sperm, eggs + plasma for the past 18 months, it’s a great time to buy a home. I mean, they’re already calling you a yuppie, so you might as well hold title to a fraction of property. Here are some places to settle down…
Indiana: Midwest sensibilities. Affordable houses. Property tax caps. Enough to put you at ease for an afternoon of love-making on the zebra-skin rug. Light some Amish-made candles. Melt some Amish butter. Put on that Mellencamp-Mix. It’s a great day – all the clichés are clicking. Then…whoa, holy shit! 4 cops open the front door and walk into your duplex without taking their shoes off. ‘Hey, that’s not right!’ you think. Haha, joke’s on you asshole, because Indiana’s Supreme Court just overturned centuries of common law by deciding if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason or no reason at all, a homeowner cannot do anything to block the officer’s entry. In this case, they just wanted to watch you bone because your cul-de-sac is boring and this will liven up their day much more than watching the old lady down the street try to get the local paper off her roof with a broom handle. Also, no one gives a shit about the Fourth Amendment anymore because, well… I’m not really sure why, but they don’t. Anyway, distracted by the intrusion of law enforcement officers and sheer panic, you bust through that Trojan and right into your old lady (worst Penthouse Forum letter ever!). Normally, this is an honest mistake rectified by quick stop at Planned Parenthood for trusty Plan B and the comfort of an understanding public health worker. But awww shit…you can’t because that Planned Parenthood is closed! When you go next door to drown your resignation with maple syrup at Applebee’s, you realize the established truth which is that every election year needs a non-profit organization that assists the poor and marginalized to be a GOP scapegoat! Family Planning is evil. But like I said – the intrusiveness of property tax is limited!!! Indiana –All Up In Your Business. Live it.
Iowa: Caucus season is here and this time it’s just the Republicans. Enjoy a free market glass of distilled Ethylbenzene Water with Ron Paul. Talk War of 1812 and the Jetsons‘ trivia with Michelle Bachmann. Play a game of horseshoes with Tim Pawlen-zzzzzzzzzzz. What’s that? This is your chance to get patronized and pandered to by a handful of begging presidential aspirants. Throw ripe fruit at Rick Santorum. Who cares! It’s your world. Iowa – No Shame In That
Orlando – You elected one of the health care industry’s biggest criminals as governor, so I guess that brings with it pro’s and con’s.
Anyway, this city’s most beloved figure is a Mouse, a Mouse who they throw parades for every half hour in front of a castle, while jackasses sweat in 95% humidity and hoist turkey legs into the sky, chortling with mass approval. It’s really an amazing place. While this Mouse lives in a castle (probably surrounded by the skulls of dissenters and W.E.D.), some humans aren’t so lucky.
Orlando police arrested five more activists from behind a makeshift buffet table at Lake Eola Park on Wednesday evening, bringing to a dozen the number charged in the past week with violating city restrictions on feeding the homeless.
The members of the group Food Not Bombs were ladling out corn on the cob, rice, beans and watermelon to about 35 people when they were handcuffed…
They were violating a controversial city ordinance that prohibits sharing food with large groups in a downtown city park more than twice a year. Food Not Bombs has been fighting the ordinance but lost a legal appeal in April, clearing the way for the city to begin enforcement.
This is a great use of police resources: No homeless people. No proactively compassionate people. Bam! 2 birds, one stone – which is totally the means by which these people will now have to feed themselves. Orlando: Bow To The Mouse Or GTFO.
Enjoy! Happy Hunting!