Archive for June, 2011

Gratuitous World’s 2011 Summer Homebuyer Guide!

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 29th, 2011

another money pit?! how adorable!

Yes, we know you’re pretty much broke like the rest of us, but if you + a few dozen pals have sold sperm, eggs + plasma for the past 18 months, it’s a great time to buy a home. I mean, they’re already calling you a yuppie, so you might as well hold title to a fraction of property. Here are some places to settle down…

Indiana:  Midwest sensibilities. Affordable houses. Property tax caps. Enough to put you at ease for an afternoon of love-making on the zebra-skin rug.  Light some Amish-made candles. Melt some Amish butter. Put on that Mellencamp-Mix. It’s a great day – all the clichés are clicking. Then…whoa, holy shit! 4 cops open the front door and walk into your duplex without taking their shoes off. ‘Hey, that’s not right!’ you think. Haha, joke’s on you asshole, because Indiana’s Supreme Court just overturned centuries of common law by deciding if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason or no reason at all, a homeowner cannot do anything to block the officer’s entry.  In this case, they just wanted to watch you bone because your cul-de-sac is boring and this will liven up their day much more than watching the old lady down the street try to get the local paper off her roof with a broom handle. Also, no one gives a shit about the Fourth Amendment anymore because, well… I’m not really sure why, but they don’t.  Anyway, distracted by the intrusion of law enforcement officers and sheer panic, you bust through that Trojan and right into your old lady (worst Penthouse Forum letter ever!). Normally, this is an honest mistake rectified by quick stop at Planned Parenthood for trusty Plan B and the comfort of an understanding public health worker. But awww shit…you can’t because that Planned Parenthood is closed! When you go next door to drown your resignation with maple syrup at Applebee’s, you realize the established truth which is that every election year needs a non-profit organization that assists the poor and marginalized to be a GOP scapegoat!  Family Planning is evil.  But like I said – the intrusiveness of property tax is limited!!! Indiana –All Up In Your Business. Live it.

Iowa:  Caucus season is here and this time it’s just the Republicans. Enjoy a free market glass of distilled Ethylbenzene Water with Ron Paul.  Talk War of 1812 and the Jetsons‘ trivia with Michelle Bachmann. Play a game of horseshoes with Tim Pawlen-zzzzzzzzzzz.  What’s that? This is your chance to get patronized and pandered to by a handful of begging presidential aspirants. Throw ripe fruit at Rick Santorum. Who cares! It’s your world.  Iowa – No Shame In That

Orlando – You elected one of the health care industry’s biggest criminals as governor, so I guess that brings with it pro’s and con’s.

homeless + starving OR Goofy? you make the call.

Anyway, this city’s most beloved figure is a Mouse, a Mouse who they throw parades for every half hour in front of a castle, while jackasses sweat in 95% humidity and hoist turkey legs into the sky, chortling with mass approval. It’s really an amazing place. While this Mouse lives in a castle (probably surrounded by the skulls of dissenters and W.E.D.), some humans aren’t so lucky.

Orlando police arrested five more activists from behind a makeshift buffet table at Lake Eola Park on Wednesday evening, bringing to a dozen the number charged in the past week with violating city restrictions on feeding the homeless.

The members of the group Food Not Bombs were ladling out corn on the cob, rice, beans and watermelon to about 35 people when they were handcuffed…

They were violating a controversial city ordinance that prohibits sharing food with large groups in a downtown city park more than twice a year. Food Not Bombs has been fighting the ordinance but lost a legal appeal in April, clearing the way for the city to begin enforcement.

This is a great use of police resources: No homeless people. No proactively compassionate people.  Bam! 2 birds, one stone – which is totally the means by which these people will now have to feed themselves. Orlando: Bow To The Mouse Or GTFO.

Enjoy! Happy Hunting!

Read the rest of this post →

{no comments

What A Waste Of City Res – Awwwwwwww… :)

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 29th, 2011

Remember: It's always the one you least expect.

Here’s a nice story. Government and the citizenry working together to help those water fowl most in need (at least until their mother disowns them for carrying the suffocating stench of humanity). No, just kidding. Everything’s going to be ok.

[It started at] 7:30 p.m. when Jamie Holbrook was leaving work and was going to her car on the fifth floor of a Streeterville parking garage when she spotted the duck family there.

“It took three hours, (but) I led her out of the garage,” with her ducklings following in tow, Holbrook said. She left them to a small park area near East Pearson Street, where she thought they would be safe.

She returned to the garage, got her car but when she got onto Lake Shore Drive she saw the ducks trying to cross the roadway with Good Samaritan Joseph Daley stopping traffic and guiding cars around the ducks.

Holbrook stopped and scooped up some of the ducklings in a large plastic container.

But two of the ducklings couldn’t be caught before they fell through the grate of a storm drain.

“One got out,” Daley said, but the other had fallen too far into the basin.

As police were protecting the rescuers from traffic, firefighters attempted to pry the grate off with metal stakes. When that effort proved unsuccessful, a Streets and San truck attached a chain to the grate and pulled it off.

Another Good Samaritan reached down and scooped out the trapped duckling in his hat. (SO CUTE!)

Through it all, the mother duck was waiting patiently by, said Holbrook, who was trying to contact a bird rescue organization to take care of the family.

Before anyone starts judging city services for going above + beyond for these aimless wanderers, please note these birds received no warnings from the city to stay off LSD, unlike the countless idiots stuck on the road during last February’s record blizzard.

Rahm’s really making a difference.

But seriously, those ducklings in the Austin neighborhood better learn how to fucking fend for themselves.

Read the rest of this post →

{no comments

Assault With Intent To Nourish?

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, June 28th, 2011

Weddings can be an excellent time.  You load up. You party. You dance to the latest Beyonce’ song sung by some 40 year-old white guy with a perm. You have the inevitable domestic incident, and then…

Robinette. Allegedly.

According to the Delaware County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the area after receiving calls about a domestic dispute.  When they arrived, a man told them that he had been attending a wedding at the facility with his wife, who had gotten drunk and struck him several times before locking herself in a car.

Delaware County (OH) Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman, who was identified as Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, but she refused to cooperate.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” Davis said.

At which point the deputies were frozen with fear, or merely enamored with the exposed right titty, and couldn’t dodge Robinette’s secretion.

America’s Mothers. Our greatest resource.

Read the rest of this post →

{no comments

Hello world!

Posted by Matt on Friday, June 24th, 2011

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

Read the rest of this post →

{1 comment

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The Antlers

Posted by Matt on Thursday, June 16th, 2011

The Antlers – Burst Apart

Well-balanced and fairly well-structured by virtue of its lively acidity and fruit flavors without being syrupy or over the top.

Grade:  B+

Listen to this while:  scrutinizing that basal cell on your forehead.

Read the rest of this post →


Vancouver Spring

Posted by Matt on Thursday, June 16th, 2011

One of those goalies was better than the other.

But neither riot, nor backpack, nor pavement, nor Tim Thomas could stop this young man from scoring.



Read the rest of this post →

{no comments

America’s Most Awful Future Presidential Candidate Also Pretty Awful In The Recent Past And All Other Times

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

"In the same way therefore not one of you can be my disciple if he does not renounce all his own possessions." haha that's not about gays or abortion so it doesnt really count.

Rick Perry is shamelessly self-promoting his South-by-ChristWest festival, where people from all walks of christianity will be welcomed to the Houston Texans’ stadium in order to skip the meal between breakfast and brunch fast and pray for Jesus to fix the state budget, or in the alternative, probably something related to college football.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle divulges some interesting information:

From 2000, when Perry became governor, through 2009, he earned a total of $2.68 million, according to his tax records. Of that amount, he gave about half a percent to churches and religious organizations, or $14,243.

By comparison, Americans averaged gifts of nearly 1.2 percent of their income to churches and religious groups from 2004 to 2008, according to Empty Tomb Inc., an Illinois-based research firm specializing in U.S. church-giving trends.

Perry will probably run for president because he’s in the hole to the Man Upstairs by about 35,000, plus points.

It’s possible one would think the callous execution of innocent people would deter one’s political prospects.  Obviously, we’re not all on the same page here because I guess Jesus crossed the Delaware and signed the Dead Sea Scrolls to protect the liberty of property-owning, rickets-free white men. So this lack of charitable contribution will probably be looked upon fondly by his base.

Read the rest of this post →

{no comments

Pakistan Arrests CIA’s Bin Laden Informants Because Of Course They Do

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

Our bestest ally playing all hard-to-get again.

Pakistan’s top military spy agency has arrested five CIA informants who fed information to U.S. intelligence before the raid last month which killed Osama bin Laden, The New York Times reported on Wednesday.

The fate of the CIA informants arrested in Pakistan was unclear, the newspaper reported, citing American officials.

Though they’re pretty sure their fate includes the employment of  jumper cables in some manner.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. also, mutant super-mosquitos and John Lithgow.

Read the rest of this post →


The Honorable Thing To Do

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

Last year, Evan Bayh received the predictably revisionist, ‘dead celebrity’ treatment. The consummate beltway politician, perfect corporatist, moderate on social issues, husband to a Wellpoint board member, Bayh was hailed as a brave man who was just too damn tired of trying to accomplish something of substance.

'haha, i don't give a shit about your job at all. lolz!'

Once he had done his duty by killing the public option, he proclaimed he couldn’t handle DC anymore.

He was so above it all. Above the partisanship. Above the inactivity of the US Senate. Above the idea of getting trounced in the ’10 GOP wave, saying…

“I want to be engaged in an honorable line of work.”

Never has the word ‘relatively’ felt so left out. After taking a job as a Fox News contributor, he locked himself into a gig with a private equity firm, Apollo Global Management, where he could honor the pastime of fighting regulatory reform.

Today, the esteemed Senator has joined with [former Bush Chief of Staff/side-part guru] Andy Card on the most honorable crew around, the Special Olympics, suburban Jacksonville BDSM Society, U.S. Chamber of Congress.

The Chamber’s hiring of Bayh, a big name in Washington circles, will only help its efforts to delay or kill new regulatory legislation in Congress. Indeed, [Chamber Spokemsman] Donohue’s memo touts how the Chamber has filed legal briefs to challenge the validity of President Obama’s health care reform bill; successfully delayed a new Securities and Exchange Commission rule on giving shareholders a say on corporate directors; unveiled plans to undermine the clout of the fledgling Consumer Financial Protection Bureau; and delayed a rule forcing companies to disclose when they use conflict minerals from the Congo in their products. Bayh and Card, the memo says, will help the Chamber push this pro-corporate agenda in Washington and beyond.

I can’t think of a better homage to a Senate career distinguished only by constantly flirting with failed runs for the presidency and shilling for his honorable corporate overlords.  Go get ‘em, Evan.

Read the rest of this post →

{no comments

Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]