In blockbuster deal, Kicker Olindo Mare signs with Carolina Panthers

One fantastic byproduct of the NFL Lockout has been the condensed free agency period.  Starved for anything football related, fans have been treated to a free-for-all that skips most of the courting and foreplay.  No one cares about the Owners handing it to the NFLPA and subsequently using superior PR techniques to turn public sentiment against the Players. Just give us some fucking football before I staple my forehead and run through my cubicle wall arggh!!! The masses are eating it up, even salivating over the prospects of where Braylon Edwards - the cubic zirconia big receiver everyone needs to have – will land. Some thoughts:

• Local Sports Outlets announce undrafted Rookie FAs to ‘make the difference’ for 32 teams.
• Smarter Than He Looks:  Matt Leinart avoided the embarrassment of trying to compete for a starting job in Seattle and took $5 million to hold the clipboard and guest judge teen beauty contests in Houston.
• Unlike others, I won’t slam the Vikings’ McNabb pick-up. Ponder was the worst pick of the draft (because I say so). He should really enjoy jenkins/berrian on the outside.
• Most appropriate signing:  Raiders sign Trent Edwards.
• Hard Feelings Award:  Exasperated Bears’ players/media mourn the loss of a 34-year old Center who has yet to receive an offer from another team.
• No Hard Feelings Award:  Plaxico is still cool with NYC.
• Maybe someday Andy Reid will be lauded for his ability to reform and relate to the Vicks and Youngs of the Reid family, aka his sons.
• I know Cover-2 CBs have some different responsibilities in Lovie’s scheme, but I don’t understand why the Bears were never in the running for Asomugha.  $30 million under the cap and a definite need at 1 CB.  You could effectively shut down 1 side of the field with N.A. and Peppers. Even Johnathan Joseph would’ve been a substantial upgrade. Or grab a free safety. help a secondary out, JA. (Not Tim Jennings fault – had a nice year, but probably seeing Greg Jennings in his sleep.)
• Malcom Floyd >>>>> Braylon Edwards.
• More complex analysis:  Lions getting much more better good now.  #justgetsomesecondaryhelp
• Like Sam+Diane, everyone wants to see Tavaris + Sidney Rice make a life together somewhere. Good luck, Coach Carroll.
• To answer John Clayton, injury history aside, I would offer a #2 for Osi if I’m Seattle. Then I would bitch about the final episode of The Killing.
• Randy Moss is walking away from football and towards a Bass Pro Shops shrink-wrapped F150.
• Speaking of Moss, here’s PFW’s Joel Buschbaum’s 1998 Scouting Report. Amen.

 ”This player is so big and so fast, and he does things so effortlessly, that he is either a freak of nature or very close to it. He has more natural ability than Jerry Rice and would be an all-time great who would be drafted 10 minutes before the first round began if he had Rice’s work ethic and character. But, with all his baggage, his work ethic and his playing demeanor, he could be a huge and very expensive roll-of-the-dice pick, or at least a hard player to coach who could create some problems for his team. Moss could either be the best or the worst pick of the first round, and I doubt anyone can say with certainty which way he will go.”

• Back in Miami, Jason Taylor should never be late for practice and have plenty of time to wax his eyebrows and pick up burgers for Cameron Wake.
• Willis McGahee takes his aged knees and virile loins to Denver, where Tebow will joyously receive a (clearly) “Pro-Life” teammate.
• Cedric Benson began his week by getting arrested for assault again, and came full-circle as he was obviously re-signed by the Bengals.
• Albert Haynesworth finally meets his match in the sideline “I’m-going-to-break-you-in-two-and-then-defile-your-wife” scowl contest. Still you, Coach Belichick.
• Derek Anderson close to signing with Carolina. Ron Rivera offers resignation.
• Following Free Agency period, Sensationalist Sports Media to name Philadelphia Eagles champions of Super Bowl XXVI. Season cancelled. shit.