Archive for September, 2011

10 Commandments For Aspiring GOP Presidential Candidates

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 30th, 2011

GOP candidates are quick to indicate certain position points are inspired or dictated by their creator, Reagan Yahweh, or as Republican debate audiences would call him, “Boo!! Socialist!” Here are 10 to live by:

1.    Thou shall not steal unless committing theft with an Invisible Hand.  (R. Paul)

2.    Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. But if you do, he’ll still probably execute the guy if he’s convicted, so don’t sweat it. (R. Perry)

3.    Thou shall not commit adultery  this to memory. (N. Gingrich)

4.    Thou shall not commit adultery…but no one would really blame you, Michelle. (M. Bachmann)

5.    Thou shall seem reasonable relative to colleagues and be rewarded with a plague of Debate Crickets. (J. Huntsman)

6.    Thou shall not forget the free 2-Liter of Soda with every delivery of $20 or more.  (H. Cain)

7.    Remember the Google, to keep it holy.   For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all the frothy fecal matter that is in them, and on the seventh day created Google to put it all on an easy to use search engine.  (R. Santorum)

8.    Thou shall not, shall thou? Yeah, I don’t know. Something about triathlons and privatizing prisons. Yahweh is pretty indifferent here. (Gary Johnson)

9.     Thou shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s, including his conservative street cred. (M. Romney)

10.  Thou shall not eat that 2nd strudel…haha just kidding, do whatever you want as long as you run. Seriously + Sincerely, GOPGOD (C. Christie)

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Happy Birthday, Stranger!

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 30th, 2011

Eric Piatkowski (41).  Watch. How. Pike. Fly.


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The Fog Of The White House

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 29th, 2011

Jonathan Turley authored one of those op-ed things in today’s LA Times, or as I like to call it, the I-405 Contingency Plan. Publication aside, the George Washington Law Professor makes some painfully self-evident points about the Obama Administration and Civil Liberties.

because we didn't say so

Protecting individual rights and liberties — apart from the right to be tax-free — seems barely relevant to candidates or voters. One man is primarily responsible for the disappearance of civil liberties from the national debate, and he is Barack Obama. While many are reluctant to admit it, Obama has proved a disaster not just for specific civil liberties but the civil liberties cause in the United States.

Civil libertarians have long had a dysfunctional relationship with the Democratic Party, which treats them as a captive voting bloc with nowhere else to turn in elections. Not even this history, however, prepared civil libertarians for Obama. After the George W. Bush years, they were ready to fight to regain ground lost after Sept. 11. Historically, this country has tended to correct periods of heightened police powers with a pendulum swing back toward greater individual rights. Many were questioning the extreme measures taken by the Bush administration, especially after the disclosure of abuses and illegalities. Candidate Obama capitalized on this swing and portrayed himself as the champion of civil liberties.

However, President Obama not only retained the controversial Bush policies, he expanded on them. The earliest, and most startling, move came quickly. Soon after his election, various military and political figures reported that Obama reportedly promised Bush officials in private that no one would be investigated or prosecuted for torture. In his first year, Obama made good on that promise, announcing that no CIA employee would be prosecuted for torture. Later, his administration refused to prosecute any of the Bush officials responsible for ordering or justifying the program and embraced the “just following orders” defense for other officials, the very defense rejected by the United States at the Nuremberg trials after World War II.

Obama failed to close Guantanamo Bay as promised. He continued warrantless surveillance and military tribunals that denied defendants basic rights. He asserted the right to kill U.S. citizens he views as terrorists. His administration has fought to block dozens of public-interest lawsuits challenging privacy violations and presidential abuses.

I too believe the quick dismissal of investigating the previous administration’s criminal activities was a turning point in this no-longer-a-debate.   The perpetrators acted with impunity. The consequences left to be shouldered by the country as a whole, and specifically our ever-ready-and-weary volunteer armed forces.

For those who can only deal in military analogies, it’s similar to when the Americans came to the Filipinos aid, dispatched the Spanish out of the region with the help of Filipino rebels, and then subsequently planted the American flag and sent many of them to prison camps.  Obama/McKinley’s Korpse ’12!!!

This country has lost the will to fight and champion civil liberties.  Those who care about these founding principles have been defeated and muted as Obama has not even bothered to use his pulpit to advance the causes he once championed.  But hey, at least he’s trying to seek bipartisan solutions with a party that has no interest in solutions as long as there is a democrat in the White House.

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Teabagger Dreads Efficient Terror Train

Posted by Matt on Sunday, September 18th, 2011


the Georgia Tea Party is arguing that [Cobb County] should abandon its light rail proposal because if the light rail line were to be completed, it would become a magnet for terrorist attacks. Here’s the group’s chair, J.D. Van Brink:

If anyone doesn’t believe me—England and Spain. Now, if we have a more decentralized mass transit system using buses, if the terrorists blow up a single bus, we can work around that. When they blow up a rail, that just brings the system to a grinding halt. So how much security are we going to have on this rail system, and how much will it cost?

That’s true. You can lose a few bus riders and no one will know the difference.  Everyone else will go on as planned without the Greyhound Scrubs. Also, we should probably just tear down all skyscrapers + power plants as well. And planes. Yes. No more planes. Or highways. Or condensed urban areas.  Just busses and sprawl – the terrorists will never win…

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Mascot Dong Costume Now Available For Some Alpha Furry To Purchase

Posted by Matt on Saturday, September 17th, 2011

The Amarillo Sox got a new costume for their mascot the other night. It lasted one evening…


Pick it up on EBay – Starting Bid $5,000.  

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – The War On Drugs

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 16th, 2011

 The War On Drugs – Slave Ambient

This delightful offering brings qualities both serene and intense, a wild berry heavy vintage that complements nearly anything.

Grade: A

Listen to this while:  pointing out that cumulonimbus cloud that looks like Sanjay Gupta attempting a backdive.

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In Real Life, Weekend At Bernie’s Isn’t Quite As Light-Hearted

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 16th, 2011

What would you do if you found your friend dead on the couch?
  • A. Call 9-1-1.
  • B. Steal his shoes and gold fillings.
  • C. Display natural human emotions such as fear/sadness.
  • D. Shave his eyebrows and draw on him with permanent marker.
  • E. Criminally recreate one of history’s most often-referenced-without-having-viewed movies.

Young, aka, "The Brains"

Then, on Aug. 27, Young arrived around 11 p.m. at Jarrett’s southeast Denver home in the 1800 block of South Forest Street and found him unresponsive. Rather than calling 911, he went to the restaurant where Rubinson works, according to court documents.

A search warrant affidavit filed in the case outlines the rest of the night:

The pair returned to Jarrett’s home, loaded him into Rubinson’s Lincoln Navigator and took him to Teddy T’s bar and grill. Jarrett’s body remained in the backseat while the pair drank on his tab.

Teddy T’s – Where every Saturday is Ladies’/Corpse Night!

They next stopped at Sam’s No. 3 before dropping off Jarrett’s body back at his home. But they kept the ATM card.

Rubinson, aka, "The Rainmaker"

Next stop was a meal at Viva Burrito, and then they somehow withdrew $400 at Shotgun Willie’s, remaining at the Glendale strip club until closing time, Ford writes. It’s not clear from the documents if the pair had Jarrett’s ATM code.

Around 4 a.m. authorities say the pair flagged down a Glendale police officer and told him that Jarrett might be dead back at his house.

…Denver prosecutors have charged two men with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

So how did they use the ATM card?? Through diligent efforts of Law Enforcement, I hope the secrets of this diabolical pair are exposed, and our American corpses are left to rot in peace.  This money was supposed to go to the guy’s family…and/or a pointless Tebow billboard.

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Gratuitous Video – Awesome Newscaster Mocks Fame Whores

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 15th, 2011

No Ernie Anastos but I smell Peabody…

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Can’t Spell “Secession” Without “S.E.C”

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 15th, 2011

When the LSU Tigers host a college football game, there are obligatory camera shots: the band, the co-eds, kitschy Cajun shit, and the mascot, Mike The Tiger – a live Bengal Tiger who loves hearing the screams of 90,000 drunk fans.

Mike The Tiger, though native of South Asia, always looks miserable in his makeshift Baton Rouge habitat.  It’s not the cage, it’s the humidity.

5th Generation Tiger

However, though the Mascot is etched in LSU’s tradition, it’s not where the school’s nickname came from.  They are instead named for a cutthroat battalion of Confederate troops. Shocker.

The Tigers were just a small subset of the 12,000 Louisiana soldiers in Virginia in 1861. Most were decent, God-fearing men who served their state honorably. But there were enough criminals and drunkards mixed in to give the entire state’s contribution a bad reputation. The good were lumped together with the bad, and because Wheat’s Tiger Battalion was the most infamous, all became known as the Louisiana Tigers…

Trouble began anew not long after Colonel de Choiseul assumed command of Wheat’s Battalion, when, as he said, “the whole set got royally drunk.” That day an inebriated soldier twice snapped his loaded musket at the colonel’s orderly outside his tent, but the gun failed to discharge and the man was subdued. Later in the day unknown Tigers (Jordan Jefferson + Co.?) succeeded in “knocking down & badly beating & robbing … a washerwoman of the battalion in a thicket not a hundred yards from the guard house.” That night a free-for-all at the guard tent woke the colonel. With pistol in hand, he found the guards battling seven or eight Tigers who were trying to free some of their comrades. De Choiseul slugged one man who charged at him and finally restored order “with seven or eight beauties bucked & gagged in the guard tent.”

Complete article is pretty good if you love Civil War History.

As for LSU? They’re laying the 3.5 on the road tonight against the Mississippi State Bulldogs, named of course after Mississippi’s less effective Bumbling Bulldog Battalion, annihilated at Vicksburg and labeled as such for their genetic defects, demodetic mange, hip dysplasia and heart problems.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]