Archive for February, 2012

Hoo-ray! Tucker Carlson Exhibits Original Thought…And It’s As Terrible As You Might Expect

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

I accidentally watched 10 minutes of Erin Burnett last week.  She conveyed no substantive information except to remind me that America’s Media is doing its best to ensure we’ll enter another needless War.  It will be a great story to push once election season is over.  The lessons of Iraq are certainly not lost on the Media: Sit in Washington, stoke the flames of baseless threats, cover the invasion, then ignore the next decade of carnage. Wash, rinse, pat yourselves on the back. 

The Imperial Wheel of Fortune is spinning again. Whose turn is it now? A country who hasn’t unilaterally invaded another sovereign nation in centuries? Naturally.

Tucker Carlson took a break from pushing ‘earth shattering’ unsourced stories about Media Matters being a liberal outlet (oh no!) to chat Iran with Fox News.

Make your mark, you decrepit mutant spawn of the american media monolith and pot pie aristocracy…

CARLSON: I think we are the only country with the moral authority [...] sufficient to do that. [The U.S. is] the only country that doesn’t seek hegemony in the world. I do think, I’m sure I’m the lone voice in saying this, that Iran deserves to be annihilated. I think they’re lunatics. I think they’re evil.

Haha. Hegemony? Someone get this guy a dictionary.  Also, maybe Newt can swing by for some historical context – namely that the US + Britain orchestrated the overthrow of the democratically-elected Iranian government back in 1953.  Hegemony? hilarious.

But seriously, all 70+ million Iranians (even the vocal opposition to the current regime) are evil lunatics.  Evil faux-lunatic Tucker Carlson said so.


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Politico Still Hilarious

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 16th, 2012

Each state has certain official items:  state birds, gemstones, etc. All 50 states have state flags. Here’s Wisconsin:

Cue Politico’s reporter, who probably wrote this in the cold sweats of withdrawal from penning repetitive columns speculating about Mitt Romney’s electability.

WH flies labor flag in Milwaukee

MILWAUKEE — It’s very clear what side President Obama is on here in Wisconsin.

Behind the stage where he will speak today are two flags: an American one, as usual, and right alongside it — and a flag for the local union, Wisconsin 1848.

The president has been mum in recent months on the battle raging in the Badger State between unions and Republican Gov. Scott Walker, who is facing a recall election largely pushed by labor after he pushed through laws effectively taking away collective bargaining rights in the state.

Here at Master Lock, Obama is speaking about domestic manufaturing and highlighting what he calls “in-sourcing,” bringing jobs back from overseas. The padlock manufacturer brought roughly 100 jobs back from China to this factory —union jobs, the White House has noted.

Walker had been expected to join the president but canceled this morning because his office said he has the flu.

Ohhh, So close! I think Reagan busted local 1848 a few decades ago for writing off some travel expenses and bargaining decent wages for Wisconsin’s middle class.

I don’t know, though. Scott Walker was supposed to meet with me to discuss the history but his office said he had to cancel because a Great Aunt died.

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In Portland, Even The BDSM Crowd Rolls In Subarus

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 16th, 2012

the players.

[Via Gawker]

PORTLAND, Ore. – Some Valentine’s Day “role-playing” landed a couple in jail on Tuesday after the boyfriend and girlfriend were arrested and accused of disorderly conduct.

A Portland Police spokesman said around 12:35 p.m. officers got reports that a naked woman had been tied up in a car with duct tape over her mouth.

There are ‘nooners,’ and there are ‘NOONERS.’

Sgt. Pete Simpson said officers raced to the area to look for the Subaru Legacy. Officers in Washington were also alerted in case the car was spotted driving on I-5.

A witness told police that the man driving the car “seemed hazy” and stated he and the woman were “just having some fun.”

Officers didn’t find the owner right away, but continued to patrol the area looking for the car. Around 1 p.m., an officer in the area spotted the car and stopped a man seen walking away, Simpson said. The officer also noticed the naked woman bound in the back of the car.

The man, who police said is 31-year-old Nikolas Alexander Harbar, told police that he and his girlfriend were doing some Valentine’s Day role-playing. Officers said his girlfriend, 26-year-old Stephanie Morgan Pelzner, confirmed that story.

Officers arrested the couple on charges of disorderly conduct in the second degree. They were both taken to the Multnomah County Jail.

“You can’t do things that are going to create a public alarm,” Simpson said. “When it starts to affect other people and the public, something like this is not okay.”

Simpson said nine Portland Police cars were tied up for approximately 20 minutes searching for the couple.

“Role-play all you want,” he said. “But when you do something that is going to generate a 911 call you should probably do it at home.”

The Lesson is that when hashing out your safewords over your favorite microbrew, don’t land on ”Call 9-1-1.”  In city limits, I believe municipal code requires a more socially responsible safe word like, “compost,” or “Malkmus.”

godspeed, freaks.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Cloud Nothings

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

  Cloud Nothings – Attack On Memory

  A substantial flavour profile offers ripe varietal notes, but not for the structure of all palates.

  Grade: C+

  Listen to this while:  Writing a letter futily requesting an adjustment to those parking tickets.

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States Continue To Shrink Government To Size Where They Can Put It In Your Vagina

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

First it was Texas. Now it’s Virginia – which is for Lovers, but not women and their doctors.

This week, the Senate passed a bill, largely along party lines, that would require a woman seeking an abortion to undergo an ultrasound and wait as long as a day for the procedure.

The ultrasound requirement may evoke images of the abdominal sonograms standard in most pregnancies, fuzzy black and white pictures conjured by a wand passed across a woman’s stomach.

But those ultrasounds are ordinarily done fairly late in pregnancy. In the beginning, particularly the first weeks, an abdominal ultrasound may not be sensitive enough to detect anything.

That’s why doctors in many cases use a transvaginal ultrasound. In plainspeak, they insert a condom-covered probe into a woman’s vagina to obtain an image.

At this point the law requires the doctor to slyly utter, “you’re welcome…”

In addition to the ultrasound, the bill mandates a waiting period of at least 2 hours and as long as a day before a woman can have an abortion. That waiting period has no medical necessity at all.

The legislature rejected an amendment allowing women to opt out of the invasive procedure because…well, what would be the point of that? Next session, house Republicans plan to propose a law requiring women interested in Plan B to go through a timed Double-Dare type obstacle course, culminating in a mad search for the pills in a kiddie-pool sized KFC Gravy Bowl. For their own good.

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Fox News Contributor Manages To Insult Women, Troops & General Human Decency In Matter Of Seconds

Posted by Matt on Monday, February 13th, 2012


Fox News contributor Liz Trotta had a lot to say about the Defense Department’s new rules regarding women in combat, and their decision to increase spending on prevention + support programs for victims of sexual assault.

Pretty standard morning over there:

ERIC SHAWN (co-anchor): So this is now causing a controversy?

LIZ TROTTA (Fox News contributor): Well, it’s a controversy that won’t be a controversy because of political correctness. But we have women once more, the feminist, going, wanting to be warriors and victims at the same time. So what is the news? The news is that the Pentagon is going to add 14,000 more jobs for women in the military, but the overall ban against serving in the infantry, in special operations units, and combat tank units, is still in place. Well, you may ask, why did 140 women die in Afghanistan and Iraq if this ban was in place? Well the whole way we wage war has changed enormously. No front lines, no clear delineation of where troops are. Women can be attached to battalions, but they can’t actually be in battalions. That would get down to the real guts of how we fight wars — and that is being a member of the infantry.

But while all of this is going on, just a few weeks ago, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta commented on a new Pentagon report on sexual abuse in the military. I think they have actually discovered there is a difference between men and women. And the sexual abuse report says that there has been, since 2006, a 64% increase in violent sexual assaults. Now, what did they expect? These people are in close contact, the whole airing of this issue has never been done by Congress, it’s strictly been a question of pressure from the feminist.

And the feminists have also directed them, really, to spend a lot of money. They have sexual counselors all over the place, victims’ advocates, sexual response coordinators. Let me just read something to you from McClatchy Newspapers about how much this position on extreme feminism is costing us. “The budget for the Defense Department’s Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office leapt from $5 million in fiscal 2005 to more than $23 million in fiscal 2010. Total Defense Department spending on sexual assault prevention and related efforts now exceeds $113 million annually.” That’s from McClatchy Newspapers.

So, you have this whole bureaucracy upon bureaucracy being built up with all kinds of levels of people to support women in the military who are now being raped too much.

SHAWN: Well, many would say that they need to be protected, and there are these sexual programs, abuse programs, are necessary –

TROTTA: That’s funny, I thought the mission of the Army, and the Navy, and four services was to defend and protect us, not the people who were fighting the war.

SHAWN: Well, you certainly want the people fighting the war to be protected from anything that could be illegal.

TROTTA: Oh, look, I mean, that’s — nice try Eric. This whole question of women in the military has not been aired properly, and it’s the great sleeping giant.

Yes, Eric. Nice try to walk it back, but Trotta is standing firm with the central tenets of her argument:

1. Spending money on preventing rape is not $ well spent.

2. Besides, the women are asking for it.

3. Furthermore, male troops can’t be expected to keep their hands off the lady parts of their fellow troops AND focus on killing Muslims.

4.  The idea of protecting the troops is “funny.” Maybe not ‘haha’ funny, but at least ’well, you can eat that because I’m certainly not touching it,’ funny. 

 See the video over at (gasp) liberal Media Matters

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Someone Spent $30 Million So You Can Watch Abraham Lincoln Kill Vampires

Posted by Matt on Monday, February 13th, 2012

On the short-lived and underloved series Party Down, the main character (“Henry” – Adam Scott) is confronted with possibility of playing “Young Lincoln” in the blockbuster adaptation of a graphic novel about Edgar Allen Poe hunting vampires.

H: “You’re Edgar Allen Poe?”
M: “Yeah, the graphic novel. It’s the writer, but he’s killin’ vampires. It’s Leonard’s next movie!”
H: “Wow. You’re Edgar Allen Poe?”
M: “Yeah, fuckin’ up vampires in Old Baltimore.”

Of course, that’s a joke made up in a fictional universe, poking fun of the ridiculousness of standard Hollywood fare.  This is apparently real:


Say it ain’t so, Tim Burton!  Young Lincoln wielding an axe + fucking up the undead in slow-motion?!  Ah yes, the part of “Team of Rivals” I must’ve skimmed. 

The Lincoln-Douglas debates weren’t really arduous, policy-dense exercises in rhetoric.  What actually happened is as follows:  Midway through debate #3, Lincoln noticed Douglas bristle after accidentally touching a silver inkwell, at which time Abe Matrix-flipped off an oak tree and severed Douglas in two with his axe, saying,

a vampire divided against itself can not stand.”

This isn’t ”hard sci-fi” or “kiddie bullshit.” This is the history of our 16th president that the liberals and University commies won’t teach your kids.

(Coincidentally, Stephen Spielberg is working on the pink-o adaptation of Doris Kearns Goodwin’s epic biography with the greatest living actor as Abe…)

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We’re Already Living In Reagan’s America So Slow Your Roll With The Fucking Hand-Wringing

Posted by Matt on Sunday, February 12th, 2012

When Conservatives harken back to the good ol’ days, they’re not talking about economics. They’re cueing the culture warriors.  The economic pendulum has swung so far to the few that American money-changers might have enough dough to reanimate Calvin Coolidge.

We are living in a Koch-fluffed, conservative wet dream.  That doesn’t mean they’ll tone down the rhetoric.  It can always get stickier.

Job Creators Creating Jobs

Democrats held hearings on “income equality,” not because they’re really planning to do anything about it, but because it’s a great campaign issue.

I’ve posted this one a bunch of times.  Love it or leave it, amirite?!


Why you hating on the 1%, GW?  They just work 12x’s harder than everyone else. Of course they do.


This isn’t really about soaking the rich with taxes, but for the record:

Yes, but what about the 40-some percent of Americans that don’t pay any (federal income) taxes?!?! Flat tax! Bow to the “market” not representative democracy…

Oooohhhhh, that’s right. They don’t have any fucking money:

But Federal Income Taxes are the only taxes people pay! Remember that.  Doesn’t matter if payroll/SSI is regressive, only federal income taxes matter.  States don’t levy taxes at all.

Yeah, but what about their portfolios?!  Get your fucking Bain on and cash that shit out at 15%.

For our plutocrats, it’s already morning in America.  They cry about regulation, taxes + Mexicans in public, but at their Eyes Wide Shut parties, they’re laughing their asses off (after they blow lines off them).

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1908 Chicago Plow Horses Still Better Than 2012 Detroit Snow Removal

Posted by Matt on Sunday, February 12th, 2012

from @samarov – great photo.

Plow horses clearing Michigan Ave of snow, c.1908, Chicago.

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Musical Abomination Probably All You Need To Know About CPAC

Posted by Matt on Saturday, February 11th, 2012

CPAC is a magical place – like Medieval Times with more blood-curdling screams. Candidates come and pander. Hate-Mongers hold seminars.  Pam Gellar cropdusts the Marriott hallway.  There are even meetings for conservative singles.

But all you really need to know about can be boiled down to this conservative “rap.”

This is an extremely uncomfortable watch,  but if you can get to the 2 minute mark, it’s pretty awesome.  The one black dude, who I believe is the A/V guy, walks out as the performers make a hilarious joke about being able to exercise their right to say, “Knickers.”

(But when he left everyone relaxed, the women stopped clutching their purses and people just went back to saying the N-word like always.)

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
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      January 7, 2014

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