Archive for August, 2012


Posted by Matt on Friday, August 31st, 2012

Let the healing begin!!!

As a whole, the Penn State community has displayed ZERO contrition in the aftermath of damning findings included in their internal investigation (Freeh Report), as well as in response to the NCAA Sanctions.  Yes, they all hate Jerry Sandusky.  But more and more it seems like they really only hate him because he got caught raping boys, thus resulting in sanctions to the precious football program.

There are some saddened, embarrassed and apologetic Penn Staters.  Occasionally a member of the administration candidly admits shame and wrongdoing surrounding the 13 year (at least) cover up of a child rapist. Then the rest of the mouth-breathers demand he/she apologize. Any reasonable voices are being drowned out by the bitterly angry alumni, students, townies and former players.

The poor poor Paterno Family can’t keep from yapping, reminding everyone who the real victim is:

“Tearing down the statue of Joe Paterno does not serve the victims of Jerry Sandusky’s horrible crimes or help heal the Penn State Community. We believe the only way to help the victims is to uncover the full truth. The Freeh report, though it has been accepted by the media as the definitive conclusion on the Sandusky scandal, is the equivalent of an indictment — a charging document written by a prosecutor — and an incomplete and unofficial one at that.”

And then in response to the NCAA sanctions…

“Sexual abuse is reprehensible, especially when it involves children, and no one starting with Joe Paterno condones or minimizes it. The horrific acts committed by Jerry Sandusky shock the conscience of every decent human being. How Sandusky was able to get away with his crimes for so long has yet to be fully understood, despite the claims and assertions of the Freeh report.

“The release of the Freeh report has triggered an avalanche of vitriol, condemnation and posthumous punishment on Joe Paterno. The NCAA has now become the latest party to accept the report as the final word on the Sandusky scandal. The sanctions announced by the NCAA today defame the legacy and contributions of a great coach and educator without any input from our family or those who knew him best.

Ok, we can stop it right there.  It goes on, but blahblahblah shameless whatnot, whitewash, etc…

Vocal PSU members can’t seem to trivialize the heinous crimes enough.  It’s all about football + their exalted leader.  The curtain has been pulled and the culture does not allow the community to believe its eyes.

It’s the “culture” that is obviously central to the problem.  It’s why they should have been given the Death Penalty.  It’s why the following garbage gets written…

Today, Penn State grad Eileen Morgan took a full-page ad out in the Central Daily Times to write this childish defense of Joe Paterno (and bitter craziness).

Dear Penn State Board of Trustees,
It is apparent you want us, the alumni, to move on. You implore us to move on. Here is a simple fact. We can and will move on, and will join you on a united front, if one of two things occurs. We will move on if 1) Indisputable evidence surfaces that clearly shows Joe Paterno knew that Jerry Sandusky was molesting boys since 1998/2001 and did nothing to stop him, (we already know that the findings of your $6.5 million Freeh report are fiction: ( or 2) You admit your hasty decisions starting back in Nov. 2011, (including firing Joe Paterno, accepting the Freeh Report, and agreeing to the NCAA sanctions) were a mistake, made under pressure and not based on truth, and that you did not act in the best interest of Penn State University.
One day you will have to look in the mirror and admit that you allowed this debacle to get out of control. Back in November, Penn State had no PR, so the media naturally turned to Joe, the face of Penn State, but he was allowed to say very little. The media applied some pressure and once you, the Board, fired Joe, that was all the world needed to conclude: He must have been guilty. You, BoT, were trying to distance yourselves from anyone who looked guilty so you could come out smelling like roses. Then you hired Freeh to validate your firing of Joe and again to make yourselves look like the good guys. Did it not once occur to you that, by making the icon of your own university take the fall, with no basis of wrongdoing, you were actually destroying the university? (NCAA sanctions, economic suicide, $$ lawsuits, accreditation fallout) You were anxious for so long to get rid of Joe that you couldn’t wait to throw the last jab. And here you are reaping what you sowed.

There will never be unity between the alumni and the Board until you start admitting your mistakes or until all of you who were active in Nov. ’11 vacate your positions, which could be years from now. You want to move on because it is too painful for you to live in this mess you made. I’m sure it is hard for some of you to look in the mirror or even get out of bed in the morning. We all know when we offend or do wrong to another, there are two choices, (wo)man up and admit it and make amends, and then MOVE ON, or sweep it under the rug and never move on. The one who was wronged can never move on until the offense is reconciled. This is why we, the alumni, cannot and will not move on. [GW note - !!!!!]

And now you find yourselves desperate to repair and rebuild the image of Penn State, an image which you single- handedly allowed to be torn apart. Maybe you should first repair and rebuild the trust within our family, and then together, we can restore our great university. It is time to fight for what is right. Please remember this, ‘a house divided against itself cannot stand.’

Sincerely, Eileen Morgan, Concerned Alumni, & Friends of PSU

Ok, Eileen.  We get it.  You’re the victim. You + Joe Pa and all the other navy & white-clad losers who just want to tailgate and watch some FOOTBALL (ARGH!!!) while the child raping is kept to the quiet rooms.

In true ESPN style, they will be broadcasting tonight’s PSU pep rally. Let the Healing Narratives begin. There must not be a Jets’ practice they can cover.  ESPN – You’re also the worst.

Listen idiots. A bunch of kids were raped and had their lives ruined because of your chosen leadership.  It’s on the record. It’s in the evidence.  It’s in Joe Pa’s own sworn testimony!  It’s time for the mouth-breathing shitheels to grow up.  Admit it. Show some class and contrition.  Focus on the victims.  With the kids in your heart, clean house and try to move on.  And don’t forget it’s just a fucking football game.

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This Week In Florida’s Invasive Creatures

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 31st, 2012

Dude’s just trying to mow the lawn. In West Pennsylvania.


I hate this place.

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RNC 2012 – Gratuitous Reagan Tribute

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 30th, 2012

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What Does That Look Like To You? Is the Speech…? Is The Guy…?

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 30th, 2012


Big speech tonight folks. Big speech.  I can’t believe it will be all for naught.  As conservatives always say, using teleprompters to convey what you want to say makes you a Reagan unpresidential dumbass.

TAMPA, Fla. — Mitt Romney stood on stage at the Tampa Bay Times Forum for several minutes Thursday afternoon while his teleprompters were adjusted ahead of his big address to delegates later in the evening.

Every speech on stage at the RNC has been run through prompters, save for Condoleeza Rice’s address, which she read from notes. Conservatives — including Paul Ryan, who also used a teleprompter in his convention speech — have long mocked President Obama’s use of the devices. Romney was one of the few Republicans to defend the practice and he appeared to take pains to make sure his prompters were just right.

Another TOTUS apologist.  Sheesh.  Next thing you know, Conservatives will be derisively whispering about how his dad was born in some country like Mexico.

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One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Beach House

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 30th, 2012

  Beach House – Bloom

While a decent value, the shy fruit lacks slightly, and doesn’t offer a convincing alternative to the many   similar vintages in existence.

Grade:  B-

Listen to this while:  attached to a morphine drip.

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Giraffes Are The Fucking Best

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, August 29th, 2012


Let’s tackle “small talk” one question at a time.  We just ran into each other at a terrible party – I’ve had a few to take off the edge. You’re just trying to avoid that co-worker who loves the olive tapenade and won’t remove his fingers from the small of your back.  We talk weather. We talk music. We talk about that one mutual acquaintance neither of us care about.  “He has that one brother with no chin who worked at Cinnebon Corporate for a while, right?”  “I think so.”  You’re wearing black lipstick, so everything is coming out bold.


Then I lay this question on you:  What’s the best animal?  Dog?  Wrong.  Cat? Please. I don’t know…Goose? I’m glaring at you with radiating condescension.

Just say, “Giraffe,”  and we can move on.  Giraffe?

Giraffes are the fucking best.  Here is empirical evidence to support this assertion.


Giraffes are big-hearted creatures – quite literally. They need their 25lb heart and high blood pressure to stop them fainting when they raise their heads from ground level. I looked it up. Long neck. Minimal Adam’s Apple. Unique neck tattoos.


Giraffes love to relax, eat leaves and have occasional intercourse.They don’t complain. They don’t get in your business.  They just occasionally hit their heads on a branch and move along.

Am I a “heightist?”  No comment.


They are long and elegant like Heidi Klum or Omer Asik.  They have beautiful spotted coats like something you’d find in an US Weekly spread. (Victoria Beckham eats acacia leaves – just like giraffes!!!) While no two individuals have exactly the same pattern, giraffes from the same area appear similar – like Appalachians.


The ladies give birth standing up. (The men do NOT give birth.) Newborns are up and walking around after about one hour.  No strollers.  No bottles.  No adderol.

Giraffes travel in small packs – nothing obnoxious. They don’t need separate checks.

Giraffes only need to drink once every several days; they get most of their water from the plants they eat.  They’re like camels who aren’t showing off.

While only 1/2 the kids grow up to be adult giraffes, it’s not because the parents don’t care.  It’s just life.  Sometimes lions and motherfucking hyenas kill them for food.  However, rarely will these cats + other broke-ass predators approach adult giraffes because they’ll get fucking stomped.

Giraffes keep to themselves.  It’s similar to the fantasy of how oblivious Libertarian Homo sapiens perceive themselves before complaining about potholes a few minutes later.


Check out these dang tongues! Crazy! They could take the paint off a pinwheel.

They also have subtle head bumps & back bumps.  But those tongues.  Man, those tongues are legit.


I love giraffes! When I next awake on the African savannah, I will rub my eyes, pick off the beatles and gaze to the horizon blissfully tracking the slightly ribbed dome of the best fucking animal on the planet.

In closing,

Kingdom: Animalia Phylum: Chordata Class: Mammalia Order: Artiodactyla Family: Giraffidae Species: Giraffa camelopardalis Verdict:  Fucking awesomis.

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Meet The Candidates! Todd Akin (Update.)

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 10th, 2012


“I’m going to need one more prop baby up here…”

What happens when Rod + Todd Flanders grow up?  They either enter the seedy underbelly of the BDSM community or win Republican Senatorial Primaries in the Heartland.

Meet Todd Akin.  Representative.  Patriot. Family Man. Crazy Person.

Akin represents Missouri’s 2nd District.  In Washington, he lists himself as (R-St.Louis) despite the fact his district only encompasses suburban St. Louis. He loves the city of St. Louis like he loves liberals:

 Akin once claimed, after an NBC broadcast accidentally omitted “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance, that the network intentionally took it out as part of a “systematic effort to try to separate our faith and God” because “the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God and a belief that government should replace God.” Despite a strong backlash from religious leaders, Akin refused to apologize and doubled down on his remarks.

Akin is a Tea Partier, majoring in Social Issues with a concentration in Homophobia. From thinkprogress

Akin is one of the seven leading sponsors of anti-gay legislation in Congress, which perhaps follows from his belief that “anybody who knows something about the history of the human race knows that there is no civilization which has condoned homosexual marriage widely and openly that has long survived.” Akin has focused on gay members of the military, pushing legislation that would protect soldiers who chose to harass and bully their LGBT colleagues. He also attempted to block funding for the military unless the Defense of Marriage Act was used to block marriage equality on military bases.

He wants out of the UN, hates Stafford loans, sex offender registries and the homeless.  However, he was a big fan of Right wing militias back in the 90s.  (He didn’t tour with them, but he definitely owned some cassettes.)

The cherry on top? Keep those cherries, ladies.

Republican Rep. Todd Akin, who is running for Senate in Missouri, on  Wednesday said that emergency contraceptive pills should be outlawed.
As  far as I’m concerned, the morning-after pill is a form of abortion,” he told  KCMO’s Greg Knapp, “and I think we shouldn’t have abortion in this country.”

Meet Todd Akin.  The type of candidate standing between the GOP and a Senate Majority.

Update (8/28/12):  Did I miss anything??  While much of the nation has been introduced to Mr. Akin at this point, it should be noted how mainstream his views are within the 2012 GOP.  Paul Ryan co-sponsored 8 anti-choice bills with Akin.  Romney has supported the States enacting outlandish “personhood” Amendments.  (Because those clusters of cells – just like corporations – are people, my friend.)  The call to condemn Akin from the right had nothing to do with actual policy – one Ryan/Akin anti-abortion bill used the definition “forceable rape,” whatever that means.  Akin’s clumsy timing just made it more likely that he would lose and possibly alienate (even more) female voters on a national level.  That’s all.  The GOP has a history of spitting on rape victims.  They only care that these victims carry those fetuses to term.  In fact, Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith was able to invoke his daughter for some real heartfelt asshattery today:

Tom Smith, the nominee running against Democratic Sen. Bob Casey, made the  comment after being asked how he would argue to keep the baby if a daughter or  granddaughter were to become pregnant as a result of rape. Smith said that his daughter went through “something similar” to the decision  some rape victims have to make, although she was not raped, and that she chose  to keep the child. His position on abortion is to ban it without exceptions for cases of rape or  incest.

“I lived something similar to that with my own family, and she chose the  life, and I commend her for that,” Smith said. “She knew my views, but  fortunately for me … she chose the way I thought.”

Asked how that was similar to rape, Smith said: “Having a baby out of  wedlock.”

While I’m sure his daughter appreciated the attention, I’m wondering if Smith is comparing apples and, I don’t know, oranges rape.

After another follow-up question, about whether the out-of-wedlock pregnancy  was similar to a case of rape, he said: “No, no, no, but, well, put yourself in  a father’s position. Yes, I mean, it is similar, this isn’t, but I’m back to the  original, I’m pro-life — period.”

No, no, no, we get it.  “The father’s position.”  Luckily, 27 states still protect the parental rights of rapists.   Sleep well, Tom.

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Dude Protesting Cheerios Gets All Hot & Bothered

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

General Mills does not care about your sexuality.  This guy is upset about that so he’s going to burn some Cheerios at General Mills’ Headquarters in Minnesota.  Hilarity ensues.

I like when his “accomplices” start laughing at him.  Also, the fire.

Lesson: Do Not Cross The Raisin Bran Sun God (a/k/a, One True God)

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Fox News Nation. That Is All.

Posted by Matt on Monday, August 6th, 2012

I’ve never really been to the enchanted Fox Nation – the user ”community” associated with the Fox News website.  All I can say is that they had a unique response to the most recent terrorist massacre in Wisconsin.

Every Fox Nation story gets labeled with one of seven adjectives — offensive, funny, cool, obnoxious, scary, inspiring, and crazy — based on the number of votes received by each.


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Douchenozzle of the Week

Posted by Matt on Monday, August 6th, 2012

chicken salad, motherfucker

Hit a woman?  criminal dirtbag.

Hit an old woman? criminal dirtbag who deserves sterilization.

Hit your grandma? criminal dirtbag who deserves sterilization via grease fire.

Hit your grandma who had just bought you lunch and lets you live at her home?  OH MY GOD!!! STERILIZATION WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS!!!

A South Carolina woman returned home from the grocery store Saturday afternoon and told her grandson that she had purchased some chicken salad.

However, Jesse Beam, 26, misheard his 67-year-old kin.

“Don’t call me chicken, again!” said Beam, according to a Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office report.

Beam’s grandmother told deputies that she “attempted to explain to Jesse she was not calling him chicken,” but her grandson threw a bowl of food at her and shoved her to the ground as she sought to flee her Bethesda Drive residence.

The woman sustained assorted cuts, contusions, and scratches, and possibly a broken nose during the attack.

Beam, was arrested for assault and battery and booked into the Spartanburg County jail. He remains in custody in lieu of $2000 bond.

Beam’s grandma will probably bring him something like roast chicken + mashed potatoes to the police station because of unconditional love.  He’ll throw it at her. The gravy will burn her because she wrapped it real carefully in foil so it would still be hot for her grandson.  He will be tasered but the damage is done.

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]