Archive for November, 2012

One Sentence Album Review Via Wine Descriptors – Father John Misty

Posted by Matt on Sunday, November 18th, 2012

 Father John Misty – Fear Fun

With time spent in oak, seems to have brighter berry fruit with a certain tartness often apparent on the finish.

Grade:  A-

Listen to this while:  packing up the car with your unused shit and taking it to Goodwill.

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MJ Lights Up Globetrotter In Today’s NBA Moment

Posted by Matt on Sunday, November 18th, 2012

Derrick Martin talks.  MJ listens. Do not talk to MJ.  Suprised Jordan didn’t call him out in his Hall of Fame speech.

Yes, that’s a Big Country Sighting.

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Picture Of The Week

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 17th, 2012

I strongly discourage proliferation of the word, “meme,” mostly because it’s a 4-letter word pronounced 9 different ways.

Anyways…

 

Good one, Guys! Add the daughter from Homeland and I would send this out as my Holiday card.

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Gratuitous Balls! NFL Picks – Week 11

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 17th, 2012

Readers – GW has been killing it with NFL gambling this season (before promptly blowing it on awful Big Ten Football every Saturday).  I apologize for not sharing.  Truly.  Put that student loan payment off another month and lock in on these gems.

Eagles (+ 3.5) @ Redskins - Everywhere you turn, NFL O-Lines are terrible.  So good luck, Nick Foles. Behind that line you’ll need to put up at least 28 to beat RGIII. Pick – Redskins.

Browns (+9) @ Cowboys – Never bet on Cleveland. (I’m betting on Cleveland.)  Pick – Browns!

Jaguars (+16.5) @ Texans - When you look at this matchzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . Pick – Huh? Ok, Texans.

Packers (-3) @ Lions - Speaking of slumber, the Lions will sleepwalk through the 1st half, make an ambitious comeback before fucking it up with an idiotic penalty or turnover at a crucial juncture.  Fire that Red Ass, Jim Schwartz.  Pick – Fucking Packers.

Cardinals (+10.5) @ Falcons - A long time ago, in a league far far away, the Cardinals rode a dominant defensive performance and a missed FG to beat the wannabe great Patriots. Also, Kolb. Falcons at home + coming off their 1st loss?  Pick – Falcons.

Bengals (-3.5) @ Chiefs – Throw out the records when these 2 teams get together! Seriously, just ignore them.  Will Mike Brown allow 2 consecutive, strong performances?  Poppers all around in the Bengals’ luxury box.  This game will forever be known as:  “That One Where The Chiefs Played Fairly Average.”  Pick – Chiefs.

Jets (+3.5) @ Rams - I like the Rams 27-10 on 9 Greg Zuerlein Field Goals. Pick – Rams.

Bucs (-1) @ Panthers - I remember when Bears’ fans were furious when they lost Ron Rivera to the Chargers.  Haha. Bears’ fans are idiots.  Still, I’m predicting a late-game Schiano Rage Meltdown in Charlotte after a crucial Freeman fumble.  Pick – Panthers.

Colts (+10) @ Patriots - The message from ESPN is clear:  The Colts didn’t give a shit about their profession until Chuck Pagano got cancer.  Exploit the illness. Sell the sentiment. You’re a fucking disgrace.  Pagano’s cancer will not be enough to get them past the Pats on this Day of Prayer, but it should allow them to cover.  Spin that, NFL. Pick – Colts.

Saints (-4.5) @ Raiders – Oakland should bring back the baseball infield to slow the Saints down. Pick – Saints.

Chargers (+8.5) @ Broncos – Von Miller is being all Von Miller again and the Broncos can almost seal the division with a W.  Papa John, never one to shun a self-promotion, will appear with Phillip Rivers in an ad offering terrible 3/4 pizzas in honor of Rivers’ release.  Broncos win. Chargers cover. “Papa” John is a festering staph wound.  Pick – Chargers.

Ravens (-3.5) @ Steelers – This spread has swung 7 pts since Born Again Ben was declared out.  I like where the masses are going.  Pick – Ravens. Eh.

Bears (+5.5) @ 49ers - If Kaepernick plays, I predict a Bears’ defensive TD and a heroic Jason Campbell performance, checking it down all the way to the cover. Pick – Bears, kids.

You’re welcome. (But you should probably make than loan payment…)

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Dear Marijuana, I Can’t Quit You

Posted by Matt on Saturday, November 17th, 2012

something something pot pun something

says Ohio Defendant Damaine Mitchell.

Judge Melba Marsh admitted the request shocked her.

Damaine Mitchell, 19, of Westwood, was before her Wednesday charged with trafficking in marijuana, a crime that carries a maximum prison sentence of 11 1/2 years. He is accused of selling marijuana June 12 in the parking lot of a Westwood store.

The Hamilton County Common Pleas Court judge stressed to Mitchell that she was willing to work with him – offering him a treatment program that, if successful, would not only prevent him from going to jail but also erase the crime from his record. All he had to do was give up smoking pot.

 

+1 for Judge Marsh’s willingness to work with Mitchell instead of imposing an idiotic and lengthy prison sentence.  Now we give +1 to Mr. Mitchell for his honesty:

 

“That’s going to be hard for me to do, to be honest with you,” Mitchell told the judge.

She told him he would have to stop smoking marijuana for months, maybe until April, and she would drug test him to make sure he was living up to his end of the deal.

Mitchell replied very honestly.

“That’s going to be a challenge,” Mitchell told the judge. “I like smoking weed. I have been smoking weed since I was like 10 years old.”

Marsh then started listing potential deadlines for him to stop smoking pot. Easter? Mitchell couldn’t do it. Valentine’s Day? “I won’t want to,” Mitchell told her.

New Year’s Day? Christmas? Thanksgiving? “If I put my mind to it I can (but) I won’t want to,” he said.

Then Mitchell made the unusual request. He’d be willing to try to quit – if she would approve of what amounted to government-sanctioned drug use.

I know this is probably not the right question to ask (but) can I get a little time at least (to) get one more joint in,” he asked the judge.

The judge refused.

“No. You can’t have one more joint for old time’s sake,” she said.

Marsh ordered him to return to her court Monday,  after he has a trespassing charge in another court dealt with, before she determines how she will handle his case.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever had a request for marijuana while they’re serving time in jail,” an astonished Marsh said.

Lesson:  It never hurts to ask.

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Maine GOP Chairman Doesn’t Know Any Black People So How Could They Vote?

Posted by Matt on Friday, November 16th, 2012

Webster: “I’ve heard of this Jerry guy who works at that one country club. Then maybe another one in Portland? Tyrone I want to say? But that’s definitely all of them.”

Amazingly, Kenyan President Hussein rode to reelection while carrying 4 of the 5 whitest states:

1.  Maine (94%) – 2000 Kelvins White

2. Vermont (94%) – Snowy

3. West Virginia – Romney (93%) – Toothy

4. New Hampshire (92%) – Salty

5. Iowa (88%) – Doughy

Some Republicans aren’t buying it.  WHY WON’T THE MEDIA REPORT ON TRANS-REGIONAL BLACK VOTING?!?! ACORN!

The head of the Republican Party in Maine thinks there might have been voter fraud in his state because “nobody in town knows anyone who’s black,” but black voters came in to vote on election day.

According to GOP state chairman Charlie Webster, widespread fraud allowed the coloreds to turn Maine black+blue.

“In some parts of rural Maine, there were dozens, dozens of black people who came in and voted on Election Day.  Everybody has a right to vote, but nobody in town knows anyone who’s black. How did that happen? I don’t know. We’re going to find out….

I’m not politically correct and maybe I shouldn’t have said these voters were black, but anyone who suggests I have a bias toward any race or group, frankly, that’s sleazy.”

Dozens?  How dare they? Of course, Webster could have checked the Census figures to determine Maine has thousands of black citizens, but the Census is obviously just another ACORN! conspiracy to castrate land-owning white males.

ACORN!

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Competitive Breath-Holder Sets World Record, Informs Us That There’s Such A Thing As Competitive Breath Holding

Posted by Matt on Friday, November 16th, 2012

Quick – who’s the World’s greatest breath holder? I don’t know. It’s probably someone with a name like Stig Severinsen, right?

World Champion Free Diver and breath control expert, Stig Severinsen, just  set the new world record by holding his breath underwater for an utterly astounding 22 minutes.

Yahtzee!

….before going underwater, he inhaled pure oxygen so as to saturate his body with oxygen. That said, this is still incredibly impressive .

but it would be more impressive if he smoked a couple of Newports before the attempt. 

For the past decade Severinsen has experimented with different methods of breath-hold to examine their effects on the mind and body. He even wrote a book titled Breatheology: The Art of Conscious Breathing.

Conscious Breathing.  That doesn’t sound annoying at all.

Congratulations to World Record Holder and future Marco Polo champion Stig Severinsen!   Be careful of those groupies!  (Ironically, Severinsen reportedly terrible at cunnilingus.)

I know this rapturous video is overwhelming in its dramatic portrayal of the sport, but please heed the video’s warning and do not try this is your kitchen sink.  Thanks.  Sincerely, Matt

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Georgia Republican Did Not Mail It In On His Powerpoint Detailing Obama’s Mind Control Conspiracy

Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 15th, 2012

This meeting did not take place in a Best Western Conference Room off I-16.  It did not take place in a hunting blind. It did not take place in a living room containing Third Reich memorabilia prominently displayed behind glass.  It did not take place in the back yard of a Rest Home.  Or in the back of a van covered in Monster Energy Drink stickers.

This 4 HOUR meeting of the Republican Caucus took place at the State Capitol.  It was not convened by Georgia’s “Michele Bachmann,” which I assume is just a goat with a peanut necklace carrying a Confederate Flag.  It was called by the senate Majority Leader Chip Rogers.

A video of this meeting can be seen here.

you are going to eat these god damn organic radishes!

So who’s the dude with the PowerPoint?

It was emceed by Field Searcy, a local conservative activist who was  forced out of the Georgia Tea Party in April due to his endorsement of  conspiracy theories about the president’s birth certificate and the  collapse of World Trade Center Tower 7.

Repeat. This guy got kicked out of the tea party. In Georgia.

About 23 minutes into the briefing, Searcy explained how President Obama, aided by liberal organizations like the Center for American Progress and business groups like local chambers of commerce, are secretly using mind-control techniques to push their plan for forcible relocation on the gullible public:

“They do that by a process known as the Delphi technique. The Delphi  technique was developed by the Rand Corporation during the Cold War as a  mind-control technique. It’s also known as “consensive process.” But  basically the goal of the Delphi technique is to lead a  targeted group of people to a pre-determined outcome while keeping the  illusion of being open to public input.”

This all relates to the recent rash of state Glenn Beck/GOP Tin foil conspiracies regarding Agenda 21, a 20-year-old UN program that attempts to address hunger, poverty and sustainability. It’s primarily focused on Developing Countries.

And it’s going to fucking destroy America, our daughters, and the NFL!

The presentation also featured a special video cameo from conservative talking-head Dick Morris in which the former Clinton aide warns that Obama “wants to force everyone into the cities from whence our ancestors fled.”

Heed Dick Morris’ warnings or be banished to a multi-unit building close to public transportation.

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Welcome Back, NBA

Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 15th, 2012

Do that, EB!!

 

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Moochers!

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

    • REPOST!…SNOW MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE…
      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]