Archive for the Movies Category

Hey Potheads! Here Are 3 Fairly Funny Actors Ripping Bongs For Promotional Purposes.

Posted by Matt on Sunday, July 29th, 2012

Nick Offerman stars in an upcoming movie called, Somebody Up There Likes Me.  Here he is with Alison Brie and wife (who knew?) Megan Mullally with an astute promotional video aimed at a certain segment of the population: the cool segment.

 

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Gratuitous World: Best & Worst Of 2010

Posted by Matt on Thursday, January 20th, 2011

What can you say about 2010 (except that it’s over)? In fact, while this might not be the greatest ‘Best of’ list, it’s certainly the latest. Here is how GW spent its year when it wasn’t throwing rocks at day laborers.

Book You Should Read: War, Sebastian Junger. Left, Right, Center, Whatever. Everyone should read about the daily toll of our nearly decade-long military action. A story of both courage and futility. The corresponding documentary (Restrepo) is also worth watching.

Best Television Show: Breaking Bad (again). Season 3 and still getting better. (How ’bout that finale?) The margin between this and other shows continues to grow.

Honorable Mention: Community. I’ve never liked Joel McHale. Never been interested in The Soup and my usual response to his stand-up is ‘oh, that was the laugh line?’  Watched a couple uninspired episodes last season because the tv was turned on. However, whatever the writing staff shook up this season produced gold. The ‘Armageddon/Apollo 13′ Spoof was one of the funniest episodes of tv this year. Same goes for the zombie-genre episode and heart-warming stop-motion Christmas episode. Well-done.

  • Thurs NBC: Parks and Recreations was also pretty great last year and definitely won the spring. 30 Rock is rebounding this season while someone needs to put The Office out of its highly-rated misery.

Favorite New Show: Via recommendation, just caught the 2nd Season of Party Down on Netflix. Went back and watched the first as soon as possible. Steve Guttenberg episode was awesome.

Worst Franchise Demise: Law & Order: SVU. People watch Law & Order because of the tidy, plot-driven, twist-at-the-3/4-mark episodes. Back in the day, they took this fool-proof premise and added sex crimes. Winner! Now the show is a shell of itself. Why does every episode have to include some melodramatic personal involvement of one of the characters? How many episodes ending with a Mexican Standoff are too many?C’mon! Just give me a serial rapist or abusive stepfather, a little legal battle, and be done with it. I’m starting to root for IAD. Benson & Stabler are TERRIBLE cops. They would be working Macy’s security if this was real life. But it’s not. It’s just a stupid television show. So maybe I should relax.

well that didn't take long.

Favorite Movie: Black Swan. In fairness, didn’t see much this year, but Aronofsky certainly got it done with this effort. I mean, a movie about Swan Lake that can keep me riveted for 2 hours? Well done. I also liked the much acclaimed indie flick Winters’ Bone.

  • Grab-The-Dirty-T-Shirt-Award: Mila Kunis. Not sure if you want to win this one, but you did. Well done. And I don’t care what ethnicity George Lopez wants you to be. We can all get behind sexy. so to speak.

Worst Last Words: In October, the State of Arizona executed convicted murderer Jeffrey Landrigan. When asked for his last words, Landrigan said, “Well, I’d like to say thank you to my family for being here and all my friends, and…Boomer Sooner.”

A classy way to go out for an obviously classy guy. Boomer Sooner is, of course, the official fight song and rallying cry for the University of Oklahoma Sooners, and I’m sure Landrigan’s final homage to the Sooners was duly appreciated by all associated with the University.

But just one thing – and I’m sure you’ll all be shocked – Landrigan never attended the University of Oklahoma, yet chose to use his final words to associate himself with the school.

To me Landrigan is a despicable but probably not far-off representation of all the townie college football fans – from Columbus to Norman to Tuscaloosa, who try to associate themselves with institutions they never attended, I’d like to say, Jeffrey Landrigan – while you’re neither Sooner Born nor Sooner Bred, you certainly are ‘sooner dead.’ good riddance, douchebag.

Best Inappropriate Tweet: 50 Cent - Speaking of MILF. I wanna do something that impact kids in a positive way, thats why im opening an abortion clinic. Ima call it 50/50 chance.

I laugh, but today’s offensive family planning idea is tomorrow’s Vitamin Water.

Hate-Monger of the Year: Pamela Geller - Wow, what stiff competition! Sorry Mr. Beck, Pastor ZigZag Chops, and virtually every Arizona conservative, but no one hated-it-up quite like Geller. I’m talking Barabara Bush type hate (as Richard Nixon would’ve said). Before the manufactured not-at-Ground-Zero-not-mosque controversy, Geller was probably best known as the Holocaust Revisionist who runs the Atlas Shrugs hate blog.  In 2010, she ascended to America’s prestigious ’Queen of Islamophobia’ position.  Here’s just a taste:

Amazon(.com) is pimping for jihad. The Arafat war scarf is on sale. The keffiyeh is the icon of the global jihad. It is as iconic of jihad as the swastika is for Nazis. Notice the advertising of the bloodiest murderer in modern Middle East history (the competition is stiff, after all), Yaser Arafat.

And kudos to virtually every media outlet for allowing her to mainstream her venomous bigotry. She couldn’t take home this award without you.

Best Product Innovation: Rascal Scooter’s Magnetic Stabilizer. Americans are getting fatter. We’re watching 35 hrs of tv a week, and increasingly bathing in corn syrup. Anyone looking for an investment opportunity should check it out…

Just one of the many innovations on display during the expo is Magnetic Stabilizer technology (patent pending) designed to prevent sideways tipping.  Stabilizer wheels utilize this technology to deploy only during contact with the riding surface, instantly giving 3-wheel scooters the superior stability of 4-wheel models.  This technology affords riders excellent 3-wheel maneuverability without sacrificing safety.

Worst Pope Of The Year: In a landslide, it’s Pope Benedict XVI! Among other gems, the disco pope blames the 70s for the kid rapers he protected for decades.

Unproven Fear Of The Year: Keeping my phone in my pants pocket will result in testicular cancer somewhere down the line, thus forcing me to sympathize with douchebag Lance Armstrong

Most Asinine Supreme Court Decision:  It doesn’t take much to keep tabs on the Roberts’ Court. Just look for a corporate agenda and follow the musk. To simplify, Citizens United v. FEC basically says corporations, like soylent green, are people. Enjoy that, America.

Worst Relationship Development: Groupon. Don’t get me wrong – this simple, yet genius business model is well crafted. But Jesus, ‘we have to go to restaurant __ because my groupon is going to expire’  seemed about as contrived as saving sex only during ovulation.

‘It’s -10 wind chill and a Tuesday!’ Doesn’t matter. Groupon, moutherfucker.

Do we really need a water pick? We already have 2. ‘It was a Groupon.’ And that’s where the conversation ends, as if  getting 30% off makes whatever unnecessary bullshit product immediately necessary.

Best Sports Story: Three years ago, the once proud Chicago Blackhawks franchise was in disarray. One timely death and a few successful personnel moves later, and the Hawks were back as the darlings of Chicago.  As one belonging to neither demographic, the rapidity of the bandwagon jumpers combined with the resentful push-back from the die-hard Blackhawks faithful made for a hilarious few months. In June, the Hawks triumphantly hoisted the Stanley Cup. And now that the Bears and Bulls are back, people might care again when if they make the playoffs.

Worst Sports Story – Event: World Cup. Once every four years I am susceptible to mouth-breathing rants in support of ‘American Exceptionalism.’ Well done, soccer.

Worst Sports Story – Individual:  Oh my God, I can’t believe it was possible to overshadow the ridiculous charade that was LeBron James’ free agency ‘Decision’, but CONGRATULATIONS Brett Favre! You did it again! And this time with more cock!

Best Campaign Ad: Alabama. Alabama. Alabama. Roll Tide, War Eagle, and whatever other stupid shit they do down there. I’m pretty sure it’s just football and campaign ads. They just churned them out one after the other. This one was my favorite.

Worst ‘Person Of The Year’ Award: Mark Zuckerberg? Really, Time? Welcome to 2007. amirite?

  • By the way, Least Substantive Publication – Time

Best ‘List’Salon’s Hack 30: Our Complete List Of America’s Worst PunditsA wonderful compilation of the media establishment hacks who drive our substance-free political discourse. E.g., big time hack and intellectually dishonest “historian” Jonah Goldberg (@ #7)…

Repeat offenses: Juvenile (but unamusing) sense of humor, adolescent writing style unbecoming a 41-year-old, laziness, “Simpsons”-quoting, inability/unwillingness to defend arguments when challenged.
Representative quote:

In today’s syndicated column I trot out the cliche that “hindsight’s always crystal clear.” Several readers have already reminded me that I wrote a column arguing exactly the opposite in June of 2002. This is the danger of cliches. I was trying to make a general point which everyone understands but also ended up communicating an even more general falsehood. Like saying violence never solves anything, people understand what I mean even when in reality what I’m saying isn’t true.

Wha?

GW Person Of The Year:  Any reader who can make a convincing argument for anyone will be  ’my person of the year.’ Giddyup.

Most Over-Saturated Celebrity (out-of-nowhere category): Jane Lynch. As an integral part of Best In Show (and Party Down Season 1), I’ll give her a pass for that Glee-whatnot. But isn’t it time for a vacation? I think I see her right now. Sitting over there.

GW Worst Person Of The Year: While BP’s Tony Hayward received well-deserved attention for the catastrophic Gulf Oil Spill, Massey Coal’s Don Blankenship could’ve been criminally liable for the West Virginia mine explosion resulting in the death of 29 miners. An epic gasbag, Blankenship is also one variation of the corporatists controlling this country.

(maynard + blankenship) But buying judges is hard work too! cheese!

I first read about this guy when he was caught vacationing in the French Riviera with a judge on the WV Supreme Court, while Massey had an important case pending in front of the WVSC. Lucrative and Romantic.

He loves to rail against the kind of regulation and enforcement that could’ve prohibited the tragedy. Believe it or not, he’s also climate change denier.  In a letter to the editor of the Charleston (WV) Gazette dated Oct. 30, 2009 Blankenship denied that climate change, or “global warming,” existed, and stated: “Why should we trust a report by the United Nations? The United Nations includes countries like Venezuela, North Korea and Iran.”

Great point. Really does a good job of scientifically refuting the years of research incorporated in the report. Instead we should trust Don Blankenship – he has nothing to gain. Did I mention he’s on the Board of the Chamber of Commerce and a bigtime Tea Party supporter? Probably didn’t need to.

So some lobbyist dollars and 29 deaths later, and Massey is one of the country’s most profitable coal companies! Congrats! ‘Free market,’ K-Street, deregulation, sell your soul, kick a puppy.

By the way, given the chance, he’ll fuck over your kids.  Congratulations, Don Blankenship! You’re GW’s Worst Person of 2010! Huzzah!

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Grown Man’s Letter to Celebrity: Megan Fox

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

confusing

Dear Ms. Fox:

Good day. I hope this patronizing note finds you well. I’ve seen you in many movie previews while watching sports on television. Apparently, people are enamored with your vacant eyes, rigid mannequin-mold body, and great taste in movie roles. You also have tattoos!

Call me a hater. Call me jaded. But I just don’t get it. Where did you come from? Are you a Replicant? Is Blade Runner real? How about The Fugitive? Did Dr. Charles Nichols really switch the samples so that RDU-90 could be approved and Devlin McGregor could give us Provasic!?! I thought so.

From Bad Boys II to Transformers to Transformers XIV, you’ve distinguished yourself among chronic masturbaters. I also read that producers cut down your dialogue, but you have a great physical presence on-screen. Like Buster Keaton!

So now you went and married David Silver. Good for you! Personally, I think it’s a perfect match. You think you’re a serious actress. BAG thought he was a serious rapper. Jackpot!

From pretty much all accounts, BAG is a tremendous asshat. But asshats can be people too. Also, A Friend’s Betrayal (1996) is one of the best Lifetime movies ever produced  (along with the one starring pre-nose-job Calista Flockhart as a crazy bulimic). Someday you might be able to add something respectable to your IMDB page. I don’t think Jonah Hex is gonna cut it.

Anyway, I just want to get to know you better. I’m sure we could really connect through mouth-breathing and blinking. Think about it! Switch it up!

Sincerely,

Grown Man

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Ain’t That America: Sex & The City 2

Posted by Matt on Thursday, June 10th, 2010

We're so relatable because everyone likes to have sex!!

Apparently, Sex & the City 2: Abu Dhaaaahbi is a (SPOILER) cinematic abomination. And not a quick one, either. It runs 150 minutes. 150!  And to some, the length isn’t the most offensive part. Believe it or not, it’s a little tone def in its portrayal of cultures different from it insular core of vapid, neurotic Manhattan pseudo-Cougars. 

Wajahat Ali (Salon):

Our four female cultural avatars, like imperialistic Barbies, milk Abu Dhabi for leisure and hedonism without making any discernible, concrete efforts to learn about her people and their daily lives. An exception is Miranda, whose IQ drops about 100 points as she dilutes the vast complexities of a diverse culture into sound bites like this: “‘Hanh Gee’ means ‘yes’ in Arabic!”

Only it doesn’t — it’s Hindi and Punjabi, which is spoken by South Asians.

CUT TO: Samantha blowing a Chinese migrant worker. “hanh gee! hanh gee!”  (She’s the uninhibited one!)

She also incorrectly tells the audience that all women in the Middle East have to cover themselves. And, yes, nearly every single Middle Eastern female character in “SATC 2′s” imaginative rendition of “Abu Dhabi,” is veiled, silent or subdued by aggressive men.

[...]

If our cultural ambassadors truly cared about saving Muslim women, they surely would try to help them during the film’s interminable two and half hour running time, no? Sadly, instead, these incredibly shallow mock-feminists can’t even bother to have one decent conversation with a Muslim woman, because they’re too immersed in picnics on the desert and singing Arab disco karaoke renditions of “I Am Woman.” In fact, Abu Dhabi is just peachy when it’s a fantasy land where they ride around in limos and get comped an extravagantly vulgar $22,000 hotel suite. However, only when that materialism is taken away do they worry, in only the most superficial way, about sexual hypocrisy and women’s oppression.

Meanwhile, the perpetually self-absorbed Carrie finds enlightenment in the simple, wise words of her Indian manservant Gaurav, who functions as the movie’s life-changing, magical minority. And Samantha, our “Western” avatar of freedom and liberation, offers a juxtaposition to the silent, oppressed Muslim women by making immature puns like “Lawrence of my Labia” and performing fellatio on a sheesha pipe in public.

The movie uses only two broad colors to paint the Middle East: One depicting an opulent Eden for our blissfully ignorant protagonists to selfishly use as a temporary escape, and the other showing an oppressive dungeon populated by intolerant men that cannot comprehend cleavage or bare shoulders.

OK, a bubble gum approach to reality is to be expected from “SATC2.” And one could imagine a scenario in which the frothy light comedy could be used to erase mutual misunderstandings. After all, Muslim women around the world, who religiously watched the show, would love a strong, empowered Muslim female “SATC” character who could enlighten Western audiences about the complex, and at times oppressive, reality of Middle Eastern women while simultaneously rocking Ferragamos. Instead, the film exists in a wacky cultural vacuum blissfully unaware of its own arrogance and prejudices. 

Apparently, we’re meant to believe Muslim women in the Middle East are equally self-absorbed, vain and materialistic. After completely dissing the Middle East, its people, its religion and its culture, it’s “Sex and the City” that truly insults the Muslim women, by silencing them entirely.

Well…if American audiences respond to anything, it’s franchise sequels overflowing with redundant clichés and painfully familiar characters (caricatures). So the movie obviously made over $50 million in the opening week, thus paving the way for (you guessed it) the probable making of 3rd eye-gouging disaster.  I’m offering these ideas for the worn formula…

Sex & the City 3: ‘Eskihos!’ Obsessed with her aging uterus, Charlotte is puffed to the gills with fertility treatment by an experimental therapist in Fairbanks. She pops out some octuplets. After purchasing over-priced designer booties and mittens for the kids, Miranda’s new boyfriend sits the little ones on top of 8 huskies for the annual Iditarod. In a Disney-esque turn of events, they’re like little jockeys, and only one loses a foot!!!  Meanwhile, Samantha starts fucking a fish monger. “It wasn’ t just noses we were rubbing” is a line for the trailer. She’s such a slut! hilarious!

Sex & the City 3: ’Deeper South’ After losing a bet with one of her embarrassingly effeminate male friends, Carrie finds herself at the Old Plantation home of one of her distant cousins. As she tries to acclimate herself to the day-to-day life on the farm (while wearing 6-in heels), hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, Miranda says something snarky about the South. Samantha starts fucking a black farm hand, and the offensive cultural ignorance keeps on rolling.  “Let’s just say he showed me his ‘Kunta Kinte,’ y’all!” That means his ‘penis’! And it’s also a reference to centuries of human bondage!  But who cares because she’s sleeps with so many men! Her vagina is soooo worn. Haha!

Sex & the City 3: ‘Sex-ico’  Ola’, Senoritas.  Miranda gets sent to Mexico by her law firm in order to mitigate damages suffered by workers injured in a chemical plant explosion. The rest of the girls are coming with. Hey-o!!! Charlotte gets roped into a Santa Muerte ceremony and loses her shit when an old woman smears rooster blood on her forehead. “These poor people are savages. Senor, una paloma mas, por favor…”  Meanwhile, Carrie narrates inapplicable life lessons in her annoying flinty voice and Samantha just wants to fuck. “He can mow my lawn any day…” Holy shit! Can’t you just say you want to have sex with him?!  How many entendres are too many???

So there it is. If anyone has seen this film, feel free to weigh in. I’m taking Mr. Ali’s advice and staying far far away.

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Grown Man’s Letter to Celebrity: Sandra Bullock

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

Dear Ms. Bullock, 

Last night, I watched you perform as the sassy, virtuous Southern Belle in The Blindside. The movie was truly exceptional in its execution of Hollywood formula.  The young outsider with no place to go gets taken in by the Christ-like Paleface with the understanding husband, and the annoying young son (SPOILER!). Thuggish, deadbeat negroes. Racist, socialite cunts. The film had it all.  I can’t wait for the sequel, The Backstroke, when you inspire a poor black child to swim his way to gold. So long, Michael Phelps. Hello, D’Andre Phelps. 

I’ve seen many of your movies: Speed (“The Bus”), Speed 2 (“The Boat”), Miss Congeniality (“The Wha?”), A Time to Kill (“The South”), Crash (“The Bullshit”), and of course, The Net (“The Net”). While your filmography does not jump off the page, you’re kind of plainly cute and baselessly seem like a nice person. Like the band Spoon, or a decent turkey sandwich, you’re pleasantly palatable but usually forgettable. 

While I would never equate mimicry to acting, I don’t want to downplay your performance. It was good. You’re not Meryl Streep or Kate Winslet, but look at it this way, they’re not you. It’s almost impossible for a great actress to be “the girl next door.” Jodie Foster has a hick accent too, but she couldn’t star in The Mundane Adventures of Harmonious Jane (in development). And while Julia Roberts might be able to pull it off, she’s such a self-absorbed twat, would you really want to watch that? I know you agree with me. (Horseface, right? LOL!) 

Since I’m taking the time to write you, it’s a safe assumption your personal life concerns me. Let’s lay it out there: you’ve been in the news a lot lately. Apparently, you met some drifter outside of a Shoney’s near Tulsa, fell in love with his dirty boots, and married the gentleman. 

It's better to have fake loved and lost...

Your world was subsequently shattered when you discovered he had been sleeping with some slut with a crazy nickname. Hepatitis Jones, I believe. 

Now all you have is your fame, millions of dollars, recent critical acclaim, well-managed image, public sympathy, and most importantly, cause to divorce that deadbeat ferret whose best trait is his shared name with a legendary thief. 

Yesterday, I read you lost your shit at a family party. I’ve done that. No one should be subjected to the forced half-smile-nods of pity. “Oh, you’re having marital problems? Well…there are more fish in the sea. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. One in the hand is worth two in the-” 

Shut the fuck up, cousin Cindy. I’ll shove this goddamn sashimi in your ear! 

In the end, I was all set to hate on The Blindside. I knew about Michael Oher (badass tackle) and was assuming a sappy butchering of a pleasant story.  And while it was probably a sappy butchering, it was pleasantly done.  Kudos, Ms. Bullock. While I will likely never believe you deserve an Oscar for acting, any perceived future derision will (hopefully) be laced with heartfelt kindness. That is, until the release date of One of the Guys (2011). All the best. 

Sincerely, 

Grown Man

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

    • REPOST!…SNOW MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE…
      January 7, 2014

      (originally posted 2/10/10) then again (7/9/10) now one more time before retirement. for love. UPDATE: So it’s as hot as fuck out east because, you know, it’s July. Anyway, I’m just checking in because although You Know and I Know daily mid-Atlantic microtrends in weather do not offer any proof or disproof with regard to […]