Archive for the Random Category

College Football Bowl Sponsor Rankings

Posted by Matt on Monday, January 6th, 2014

potato[Hi Everyone]

Arise from your holiday bourbon and ham stupor. Put away the Tostitos and the Bell Helicopter catalog and pay attention for a minute. There’s still a bowl game to be played and I’m pretty sure you’re going to watch it. You watched East Carolina vs. Ohio.

On the one hand, there is no worse postseason than college football’s. It’s not even close.

‘Hey I have an idea: Let’s wait a few weeks (we’ll say it’s because of scholastics haha) and then play 30 meaningless exhibition games with a bunch of rusty teams in random locations. Finally, we’ll have one title game between possibly not the two best teams in the country. That game will be on a Monday.’

On the other hand, we love football. So do we abstain from viewing? Pfft. Of course not.

That being said, it’s sometimes difficult to maintain interest through a 4.5 hour bowl game. Thus, as the sponsorships to these bowl games morphed into unrecognizable labeling over recent years, I found myself passing the time by searching the products, services and nefarious business practices of some of the more obscure corporate sponsors. Yes, I have to take all the fun out of things.

Anyway, there are 34 named sponsors. 34! And I ranked them. Because like weird conference loyalty and Spread Option Quarterbacks, college football fans love rankings.

[Note: These rankings are based on the whims and biases of the author and no particular statistical formula. If I insulted your employer, you probably agree with me.]

34. Gildan (New Mexico Bowl): This Montreal-based Textile Company makes cheap t-shirts and underwear. It also helps overthrow democratically elected governments in Latin American so it can operate its sweatshops with impunity. Prior to the excruciatingly long Washington State/Colorado State New Mexico Bowl, I had never heard of them, though everyone probably owns a dozen articles of cheap Gildan gear. This is what bowl season is all about for me: finding another gross company to avoid. Gildan – stop being terrible.

33. Valero (Alamo Bowl) – Refinin’ aint easy and Valero proves the rule. A top polluter, they are almost an oil company cliché. Saddam or no Saddam, legally or illegally, they’re dipping into that Iraqi oil and getting paid. Get some! Most of their malfeasance is pretty predictable –unsafe working conditions, money to PACs and candidates who fight energy regulation, pollution controls, etc. A terrible logo. It’s almost boring if it weren’t so awful. Like Oregon/Texas Alamo Bowl awful.

32. Bell Helicopter (Armed Forces Bowl) – Can some slick MBA explain the need for a helicopter company’s brand recognition among the average college football fan? “Honey, this reminds me. We still need to decide between the AH-1 Cobra and the UH-1 Iroquois.”

Dressed in typical jingoistic football fervor, the Bell Bowl self-importantly proclaims to be “more than just your typical bowl game,” by using the American military to benefit its corporate image.

I have an idea. Instead of slapping on your logo and “honoring” brave veterans at halftime of a meaningless football game, maybe lend your gigantic lobbying influence and financial support to elected officials who are a little more reluctant to send American teenagers to die in B.S. wars.

[Read the rest here]

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Hopeless Romantic Tries To Propose To Lady, Decides To Go To Jail Instead

Posted by Matt on Saturday, June 8th, 2013

(h/t to twitter’s best account:  @_FloridaMan)

Edwards:  Still unfettered, ladies!

Edwards: Still unfettered, ladies!

Casselberry, FLA:  Thomas Edwards Jr., 22, is just a young man with a dream.  A dream of taking his clothes off and proposing to some lucky girl.

The 22-year-old had a run-in with several Casselberry police officers after a homeowner called 911 to say a man had knocked on his door and was stripping down on his back porch.

When officers arrived about 3:45 a.m., an arrest report said, Edwards was “completely naked.” They told him to put his boxers back on.

Edwards, who said his name was “Zim,” told officers his girlfriend invited him over so that he could propose to her.

She wanted him to strip down, he said.

Where did you keep the ring, Thomas? Maybe he didn’t have the rock because it looks like he exhibited immediate regret.

Edwards told police “he just wanted to go to jail” and asked if head-butting an officer would get him there.

“I told him not to try it,” one of the responding officers reported.

Edwards then told the officer he would spit in his face.

“I again told him not to try it,” the officer stated.

Obviously Thomas spit in the guy’s face and the engagement had to wait another day.

Another officer tased Edwards in the left hip and thigh. Edwards fell, scraping his knee and foot on the driveway. He rolled over and pulled the taser prongs out.

The Maitland man was arrested on charges of indecent exposure in public, battery on an officer and burglary.

This is a good lesson for the kids. Don’t rush into anything.


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Fine, I Guess You Two Win The Passive-Aggression Championship. I’m Totally Cool With It.

Posted by Matt on Thursday, June 6th, 2013

Philadelphia newz.  Gold.


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The South. Dear God, The South.

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013



Some other great maps re: American linguistics here.


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Man Crosses Street To Avoid Human Billboard

Posted by Matt on Saturday, May 11th, 2013

SAGINAW, MI – As he approached a grown man dressed as the Statue of Liberty early Tuesday afternoon, local man David Briggs crossed to the other side of the street. “I’m not sure if he’s there for the pawn shop or the car wash, but I didn’t really want to find out,” said Briggs, who had planned on having lunch at the strip mall’s Subway.  Citing the awkwardness of making eye contact with a costumed man holding onto his last shred of dignity as well as a “1/2 OFF!” placard, Briggs added,  “I know times are tough, but man.  What’s that guy, like 35?  That’s harsh.”  Following the incident, Briggs proceeded to eat lunch at the Wendy’s across the street despite really craving a turkey sub.

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Hilarious College Kid Calls Own Number, Arrested For Bomb Threat

Posted by Matt on Sunday, April 28th, 2013

There will be a bomb Wednesday … in the student union. Let it be known.

You scrawled it. They called it.

You scrawled it. They called it.

This was written in a University of Nebraska-Omaha bathroom.  Next thing you know, 20-year-old student William Gottner took a picture of it and posted it on Facebook.  “Isn’t this ridiculous? Haha,” Gottner’s caption read.

No, man. This is not ‘haha.’ In fact, this could be the worst possible bathroom reading material. But maybe I just don’t understand Millennials.

The reason that Gottner found the threat so amusing, police said Friday, is because he wrote it himself.

Gottner, a junior from Bellevue, was arrested Tuesday and charged with making terroristic threats — a felony punishable by up to five years in prison. He has posted 10 percent of his $100,000 bail. He waived his preliminary hearing rights and is awaiting trial.

When police caught up with Gottner — they discovered him sleeping on a couch on campus — he told them that he wrote the note because he was upset at having been kicked out of his parents’ house.

Buddy. You’re 20 and in college.  If you can scrounge up $10K for bail, you can get yourself a damn apartment.  Then it shouldn’t be hard to find a kindred spirit and the two of you can get into some stupid, humorless, NON-VIOLENT pranks.  Tosh.0 will probably put one the air and you can bring shame to your family in much less threatening manner.

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And You Thought Your Week Was Bad

Posted by Matt on Thursday, April 18th, 2013

You grind out another day of thankless work.  Drop $140 at the dry cleaners.  Then come home to this…


Mother. Of. God.

But I need to strain vegetables ANNND pasta.  Thankfully, the Crate and Barrel First Registry Responders are prepared for these emergencies.  Maybe we can score a much-needed accessory like this banana hanger. (*fingers crossed*)

pray for us…

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Attention: Gun Control Won’t Stop Machete-Wielding Octogenarians

Posted by Matt on Friday, March 1st, 2013

has he aged really well or really poorly? i can’t tell…

New Hampshire.  haha, just kidding. (obviously Florida)

ZEPHYRHILLS — An 80-year-old man is accused of slicing his neighbor with a machete after a conversation soured Sunday morning.

Alfred Houghton became enraged because his neighbor, Michael Shultz Sr., had “junk” in his yard and he worried that the neighbor’s sickly trees would topple onto Houghton’s fence, the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said. “I am going to kill you,” Houghton said, according to a report. He kicked the 57-year-old Shultz in the leg, brandished a rusty machete and nicked the man twice on the wrist and elbow, the report says.

Houghton continued to make threats against his neighbor after his arrest and “even eluded to putting out a ‘contract’ on Michael’s life,” the report states.

Just a heads up to potential hitmen – you’re getting paid in “junk.”  Don’t take this job.

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This Week In “People To Unfriend On Facebook”

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 28th, 2013

tag, you’re it.

Lawrence Mulqueen of Nanuet, NY

Screen Name:  Unknown

Friends: Less than yesterday.

Events:  Suspended Indefinitely

Likes:  Giving a giant tech company all of his personal information so he can use its platform to rant about privacy; sandwiches

Pokes:  W/ bayonet

A 49-year-old Nanuet man who allegedly threatened to kill state officials, members of Congress and supporters of President Barack Obama was ordered Tuesday to undergo a psychological evaluation.

[...] Mulqueen allegedly made the chilling threats on one of his several Facebook pages, which Clarktown police have contended features anti-government writings along the lines of the extremist group Sovereign Citizens.

Mulqueen is charged with one count of threatening to kill federal officials and one count of transmitting threats in interstate commerce, according to a federal complaint filed Monday in U.S. District Court.

Lesson for Readers – do not “like” or “share” posts by Lawrence Mulqueen.

Elected officials named for assassination on Mulqueen’s Facebook page included Gov. Andrew Cuomo, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Sen. Charles Schumer, Rep. Nita Lowey, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Sen. Harry Reid and members of the Congressional Black Caucus.

Authorities said he faces up to 15 years in prison if convicted of the federal charges and 31/2 to seven years if convicted of the state weapons charge. Mulqueen is to appear before a federal judge in White Plains on Tuesday.

Clarkstown police officers searched Mulqueen’s Freedman Avenue residence following a complaint from his landlord. She claimed he threatened her as she tried to evict him from the house.

The officers found body armor, two rifles, two rifle bayonets and about 100 rounds of ammunition — including 27 rounds of .50-caliber armor-piercing bullets, known as tank busters, police said. The officers also seized a rifle scope, a sword and a metal knuckle knife.

Weapons in Mulqueen’s home included a bolt-action rifle and a Remington .35 pump-action rifle loaded with six rounds, police said.

Mulqueen was prohibited from owning the rifles based on prior felony convictions for driving while intoxicated in Rockland County. Police said metal knuckle knives are illegal in New York.

Verdict?  GW issues a solid “unfriend” recommendation.

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McDonald’s Offers New Happy Meal Option :) But Not Bringing Back Tiny Tune Cars :(

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

Hey kids.  What’s the Catch of the Day at the Golden Arches?  If you answered “diabetes,” you’re only half right.  Looks like The Sugar has company.

(AP) — McDonald’s says it is offering its first new Happy Meal entree in a  decade: Fish McBites.

The world’s biggest hamburger chain said the Fish McBites will be widely  available at U.S. restaurants starting this week through March, to coincide with  Lent. The Happy Meals will come with seven pieces of Fish McBites, French fries,  apple slices and a drink.

Mmmm. Mayor McCheese meet Prime Minister Pollock. Happy Lent, y’all!

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Gratuitous World Blog

    • College Football Players, Awaken…
      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

    • GW: Favorite Albums Of 2013
      January 11, 2014

      On time as always! Happy New Year. 20.  Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City:  Ok kids, we get it. Good work. 19.  Scott & Charlene’s Wedding – Any Port In A Storm 18.  Charlie Parr – Barnswallow 17. My Bloody Valentine – MBV:  Per usual, I can’t understand a fucking word, but still pretty […]

      January 7, 2014

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