Arise from your holiday bourbon and ham stupor. Put away the Tostitos and the Bell Helicopter catalog and pay attention for a minute. There’s still a bowl game to be played and I’m pretty sure you’re going to watch it. You watched East Carolina vs. Ohio.
On the one hand, there is no worse postseason than college football’s. It’s not even close.
‘Hey I have an idea: Let’s wait a few weeks (we’ll say it’s because of scholastics haha) and then play 30 meaningless exhibition games with a bunch of rusty teams in random locations. Finally, we’ll have one title game between possibly not the two best teams in the country. That game will be on a Monday.’
On the other hand, we love football. So do we abstain from viewing? Pfft. Of course not.
That being said, it’s sometimes difficult to maintain interest through a 4.5 hour bowl game. Thus, as the sponsorships to these bowl games morphed into unrecognizable labeling over recent years, I found myself passing the time by searching the products, services and nefarious business practices of some of the more obscure corporate sponsors. Yes, I have to take all the fun out of things.
Anyway, there are 34 named sponsors. 34! And I ranked them. Because like weird conference loyalty and Spread Option Quarterbacks, college football fans love rankings.
[Note: These rankings are based on the whims and biases of the author and no particular statistical formula. If I insulted your employer, you probably agree with me.]
34. Gildan (New Mexico Bowl): This Montreal-based Textile Company makes cheap t-shirts and underwear. It also helps overthrow democratically elected governments in Latin American so it can operate its sweatshops with impunity. Prior to the excruciatingly long Washington State/Colorado State New Mexico Bowl, I had never heard of them, though everyone probably owns a dozen articles of cheap Gildan gear. This is what bowl season is all about for me: finding another gross company to avoid. Gildan – stop being terrible.
33. Valero (Alamo Bowl) – Refinin’ aint easy and Valero proves the rule. A top polluter, they are almost an oil company cliché. Saddam or no Saddam, legally or illegally, they’re dipping into that Iraqi oil and getting paid. Get some! Most of their malfeasance is pretty predictable –unsafe working conditions, money to PACs and candidates who fight energy regulation, pollution controls, etc. A terrible logo. It’s almost boring if it weren’t so awful. Like Oregon/Texas Alamo Bowl awful.
32. Bell Helicopter (Armed Forces Bowl) – Can some slick MBA explain the need for a helicopter company’s brand recognition among the average college football fan? “Honey, this reminds me. We still need to decide between the AH-1 Cobra and the UH-1 Iroquois.”
Dressed in typical jingoistic football fervor, the Bell Bowl self-importantly proclaims to be “more than just your typical bowl game,” by using the American military to benefit its corporate image.
I have an idea. Instead of slapping on your logo and “honoring” brave veterans at halftime of a meaningless football game, maybe lend your gigantic lobbying influence and financial support to elected officials who are a little more reluctant to send American teenagers to die in B.S. wars.
[Read the rest here]