Archive for the D.N.O.T.W. Category

Douchenozzle of the Week

Posted by Matt on Thursday, April 8th, 2010

Tiger Woods is a dirtbag. Anyone with that much money who actually eats at Perkins, much less diddles one of the waitresses, has a skewed moral compass.

So after 6 months of scandal, Tiger is finally returning to the only place I care to see him – the golf course. In particular, The Masters at Augusta National (Ga.), the scene of some of Tiger’s greatest moments.

Don't sell yourself short. You're a tremendous slouch.

Enter Augusta Chairman Billy Payne, who must’ve thought, “You know, bitching out the hired help is getting a little old. While I have access to all this media, maybe I should dress down Tiger before I fade back into anonymity next Monday. Aunt May and Uncle Winchester would’ve wanted it that way…”

Video Here. Text below.

“Finally, we are not unaware of the significance of this week to a very special player, Tiger Woods. A man who in a brief 13 years clearly and emphatically proclaimed and proved his game to be worthy of the likes of Bobby Jones, Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer. As he ascended in our rankings of the world’s great golfers, he became an example to our kids that success is directly attributable to hard work and effort.

“But as he now says himself, he forgot in the process to remember that with fame and fortune comes responsibility, not invisibility. It is not simply the degree of his conduct that is so egregious here; it is the fact that he disappointed all of us, and more importantly, our kids and our grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children.

“Is there a way forward? I hope yes. I think yes. But certainly his future will never again be measured only by his performance against par; but measured by the sincerity of his efforts to change. I hope he now realizes that every kid he passes on the course wants his swing, but would settle for his smile.

“I hope he can come to understand that life’s greatest rewards are reserved for those who bring joy to the lives of other people. We at Augusta hope and pray that our great champion will begin his new life here tomorrow in a positive, hopeful and constructive manner, but this time, with a significant difference from the past. This year, it will not be just for him, but for all of us, who believe in second chances.”

Who the Fuck does this guy think he is?  I watched a lot of ESPN last night. Every time this smug good ‘ol boy came on the tv, I became more and more furious. Tiger is a goddamn athlete, nothing more. The only person fit to make this speech is his wife. Disappointing kids and grandkids? What kind of idiot encourages his child to model (off-the-course) behavior after an insanely rich + powerful athlete? From Babe Ruth to Michael Jordan, haven’t we learned that lesson?

It’s interesting Payne invokes the name of Arnold Palmer. Arnie is perhaps the most beloved golfer of all-time. He’s also a noted philanderer who had his own “Army” beyond the Sunday galleries. More to the point, you think Tiger is the first PGA player to stray from the path of virtue? Jesus H! This is the tour renowned for heavy drinking and carousing. Just because no one cares where Geoff Ogilvy (or whoever) puts his putter doesn’t mean he always puts it back in the bag.

Hey Billy Payne, how will you “explain to your kids and grandkids” about the racist and sexist practices of Augusta National? Maybe little Sally Mae will soon be disappointed to learn her granddad is a hypocritical hayseed tool who runs a club with one token black member and 0 female members. Are there no skeletons in your closet, stone thrower?

Take your grandstanding, moralizing hayseed ass, plant it on a porch where you belong, grab a bourbon and resume spinning yarns about your time in the Gridiron Secret Society at UGA, partaking in the old elephant walk or whatever kind of weird shit went down.

I hope Tiger wins and celebrates by banging one of your female relations all over Amen-Corner. YOU…YOU’RE NO GENTLEMAN….

But sir, you are the Douchenozzle of the Week. You suck.

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The Douchenozzles of 2009 – A Retrospective

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

It’s hard to follow-up a year like 2008.  After all, election years like that can bring out the douchenozzle in all of us.  But 2009 has no shortage of people we can’t stand – old friends and new assholes, all about to be ridiculed by some stranger in flannel pajama pants.

20. Rod “Green Balloons” Jetton: This Missouri State Rep. has a familiar M.O.:  Family Values GOP official who publicly chastises gays as sexual deviants and proclaims that consensual gay sex should be illegal. Will this man have his own issues, including a

Your new cellmate wants to play too!

random-ass “safe” word?  Of course.

Detective Bethany McDermott’s affidavit says Jetton went to the woman’s home around 9 p.m. Nov. 15 with two bottles of wine, which he allegedly opened alone in her kitchen. After drinking some of the wine and watching football, the statement said, the victim “began ‘fading’ in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times.

The affidavit says Jetton and the alleged victim agreed on a safe word – “green balloons” – that could be used to stop sexual relations during the evening.

Instead, the affidavit says, Jetton hit her on the face and choked her before engaging in intercourse. Jetton allegedly said, “You should have said ‘green balloons,’ ” before leaving her home the next morning.

Jetton is rightly facing felony charges. So who’s the deviant, asshole?

If you’re in the Jefferson City area and looking to get down with some BDSM,  I’d steer clear of all Missouri GOP politicians.

19. Lance Armstrong: Let me count the ways. There may be no “I” in “team,” but there’s definitely a “lance” in “chemical imbalance.”

18. Jon & Kate Gosselin: These are my girlfriend’s docuhenozzles of the year, and who can blame her? Pay me. Watch me cry. Leave me alone. Pay me. We just want to be left alone. Watch me. Pay me. I don’t want the attention.  Shut the fuck up!

17. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger: I’ve had a lot to say about Mayor Daley, but I need to finish this list and Stroger is the easiest in-state target this side of a former Illinois governor. Pretty much any former governor.

This guy is so in over his head it’s hardly funny anymore.  He’s not even a good liar. And he calls himself a Chicago politician?  For shame.

16. Rumeal Robinson: Random, indeed. You may remember Rumeal as the University of Michigan guard who hit 2 free throws to beat Seton Hall in the 1989 NCAA championship game.  Or you more likely don’t remember him at all. Regardless, check out this story about Rumeal swindling his foster mother out of her house:

Ford, 65, is close to tears when she explains the day when a constable came to her door this past March and handed her an eviction notice — giving her one month to clear her home of her belongings and leave. Back in 2003, Robinson, now 43 years old and living in Florida, allegedly tricked his foster mother into signing over the deed to her own home — on a street named after him — and transferred the property to people unknown to her. They held the home as collateral in a suspected business transaction gone wrong.

In fairness, it is his street.

Ford’s attorney, Dennis Benzan, said he is seeking a civil suit against Robinson. But Benzan said Robinson has other legal troubles to deal with, separate from this case. Last month, the FBI arrested Robinson and charged him with conspiracy to commit bank fraud, bank bribery, false statement to a financial institution and wire fraud.’

Hail to the Douchebag.



15. Jay Leno: Hey bud, congratulations on not rocking the boat for 20 years.  Let’s celebrate your inability to make people laugh by moving you to prime time.  Maybe some “fake headlines” and a Cameron Diaz interview?  Fantastic.

Weeknights at 9pm on NBC should be reserved for the Law & Order franchise.  For instance,  Law & Order: Maritime; Law & Order: Phil Spector Unit; Law & Order: Jersey Shore; and Law & Order: Tragic Staten Island Ferry Accident…or murder?

14. Max Baucus: This “public servant” has been under my skin the much of the year, truly proving the only ones that can let the dying Republican party back into power are Democrats like Baucus.  The Head of the Senate Finance Committee also happens to be one of the top recipients of health industry cash.  And who was drafting the Health Care Bill? Exactly.  Coincidentally, senior aide Liz Fowler, who reportedly drafted much of the Bill’s actual text, just happened to be Vice President of Public Policy and External Affairs for Wellpoint. You know Wellpoint, the insurance company whose stock just hit a 52-week high?  That one.  And in case your still wondering who Baucus answers to, his office sent K-Street copies of his Plan well-before a copy was sent to the White House.

And oh yeah, just in case nepotism was feeling overshadowed by corporate greed and conflict of interest, there was this little gem last month: Sen. Douchenoz nominated his girlfriend, Melodee Hanes, for Montana’s US Attorney position.

13. Brett Favre: This asshole just won’t go away.  After keeping the Green Bay Packers in limbo year-after-year while contemplating retirement, he went ahead and destroyed the New York Jets locker room (and season) last year.   Many thought this is the year the selfish fucker fades into retirement.  Not so lucky.  After hedging on whether to return for about 6 months, he joined the Minnesota Vikings (right at the end of training camp.)  While ESPN and others have spent 3 months in a constant Favre-gasm, cracks may beginning to show.  Despite being surrounded by arguably the most complete team in football, ’09 Favre could very well end up like most other Favre versions:  a playoff disappointment and an over-sensitive locker room cancer.

12. Betsy McCaughey: If you listen to the Right’s apocalyptic paranoia about providing health care to some of themselves and their countrymen, there’s a good chance it came from  Ms. McCaughey.  The “liberal” media seemingly couldn’t get enough of the “objective” health care expert, as they routinely gave her a platform to spread her bullshit, including the “death panel” fallacy.  Of course, rarely was it disclosed that McCaughey was a member of the board of directors of the Cantel Medical Corporation  - all the way back on August 20, 2009.

11. Former Governors Rod Blagojevich, Elliot Spitzer, and Governor Mark Sanford: From Blago’s old school graft, to the diddling by the other 2 hypocrites, these guys helped make 2009 the year of the scandalous governor.  I’ve Blago’d the hell out of this site, but want to let him know he’s not forgotten.  As for the other 2 moralizing fucks, I hope never to hear from you again. Unfortunately, Sanford’s appropriation of funds for inter-continental adultery didn’t get him canned or shame the devout Christian into resigning.  See you next year?

10. Pope “Joey Ratz” Benedict XVI: Reinforcing his “old-school” reputation as a bigoted fucker, Jesus’ German Shepherd started off this year with a bang, lifting the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, including that of a Holocaust denier.

Warning: Do not look directly at picture.

The Vatican said Saturday that Benedict rehabilitated the four as part of his efforts to bring Lefebvre’s Society of St. Pius X back into the Vatican’s fold.

But the move came just days after one of the four, British Bishop Richard Williamson, was shown in a Swedish state TV interview saying that historical evidence “is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed.”

This Williamson guy also thinks the U.S. staged 9/11.  If there’s a genocide denier in the Church, there’s a good chance His Eminence will promote him.  Benny’s denial doesn’t end with mass murder.  Here’s exactly what the 200 million Catholics of sub-Saharan Africa needed to hear:

As he made his way to Africa on Tuesday, Pope Benedict XVI declared that condoms were not the way to fight HIV/AIDS. Speaking to reporters on his flight to Cameroon he said that they “increase the problem.”

Really, doctor?  Wearing a mitre does not prevent you from being a supreme asshole.  I wish clarity for you in 2010, but expect you to be back in the running next year.

9.  Milton Bradley: In the storied yet shameful history of the Chicago Cubs franchise, it’s really really difficult to stand out as an all-time failure. But kudos to you, Milton. Not only were you a huge disappointment on the field, but you managed to overshadow your horrid play with 6 months of petulant behavior.  Top it off with a baseless accusation that a bunch of 3 year-olds are racists, and what do you get? Fucking docuhenozzle.  Thank you, Seattle Mariners.

8. Sarah Palin: This country’s biggest fraud could certainly be higher on this list.  However, as is consistent with her pattern of behavior, she doesn’t hold public office anymore after quitting on the people of Alaska.  The country’s most socialist governor then proceeded to proclaim we’re descending into socialist hell, “write” a score-settling book, spread a bunch a lies among her blind followers, and generally talk out of her ass.   A solid follow-up to her super docuhey 2008 performance.  I’ll have more on her before the end of the year.

7. Kanye West: Check this out – I’ve never typed the following sentence:   Kelly Clarkson is right. This guy is a total asshole.  Also, it’s easier to put up with Kanye’s antics when he’s putting out good music.  That doesn’t happen anymore.

6. Dick & Liz Cheney: Fun Fact about one of Dick’s 5 Vietnam deferments:

“On Oct. 6, 1965, the Selective Service lifted its ban against drafting married men who had no children. Nine months and two days later, Mr. Cheney’s first daughter, Elizabeth, was born.”

Aw snap. This chickenhawk did everything he could to keep himself out of harm’s way.  But if it’s you or your child? Go fuck yourself.

After 8 years of virtual silence and hostility towards the press, Dick couldn’t get enough of the camera in 2009.  Of course, the pawns at Fox, Politico, and CNN, let Cheney accuse Obama of treason and revise history without any challenging follow-ups, apparently fearful he would steal their spleens with his magic cane.  Any of the following would’ve been welcomed…

  • And who was in charge of National Security on 9/11/01?
  • Greeted as liberators?  6 mos.?  Financed by Iraqi oil $, etc…?
  • Speaking of ‘dithering,’ what’s up with letting Bin Laden escape at Tora Bora in 2001?
  • Speaking of war profiteerring, you liquidated $30 mil in Haliburton stock options during the 2000 campaign, but you kept how much?
  • You said Obama’s 6 mos. reassessment of Afghanistan constitutes “dithering.”  How would you describe the Afghan policy of the previous 7 years?

While the war criminal doesn’t really give a shit about this country, he certainly succeeded in raising a daughter he could believe in. Liz, a “birther,” was more camera-hungry than her father.  But like her old man, she used heaps of bullshit to defend her father’s record and certainly believes his administration made 0 mistakes in 8 years.  By the way, Liz has 5 kids to brainwash.  There’s no end in sight.

5. Benjamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, et al.: The Iranians talk hate out of their ass. Daydreaming about nukeing a nation that never invaded a foreign country gives Bibi a hard-on.  Will this end well?  Not with these assholes around.

4. The “Teabaggers”: Gratuitous World wants to be clear:  This site supports grassroots protesting, and in general, the political

excuze mi?

involvement of the American citizenry.  However, when these people put down their Palin signs and picked up their hilariously misspelled tea party placards, it was almost too much to handle. Hey Gratuitous World – what do you mean, these people? I mean the kind of people who lose their shit over having to press “1″ for English. You know, Michelle Bachmann.

Obviously, the hypocrisy of these people who didn’t say shit about the destructive financial policies of Bush/Cheney, yet suddenly careabout “government spending” now that a strange black man is president is readily apparent.  But a couple things for these people:

  • Socialism, Fascism, Communism, and Nazism are not all synonyms!  Turn down the radio and read a fucking book.
  • Medicare is government-run.  Your sign doesn’t make any sense.
  • It’s not really grassroots when you’re movement is being run by lobbyists like Dick Armey and being relentlessly promoted by the country’s most-watched cable news network.
  • Your metaphor makes no sense.  The British law that eventually precipitated the Boston Tea Party was the Tea Act of 1773. One of the many inconsistencies of the wingnut tea bagging revolution is the unfortunate fact that the Tea Act was basically a corporate tax cut. As Cesca points out, “ the tea parties are emulating a protest against a corporate tax cut while also “going Galt” which is a protest against a corporate tax hike.  Adding… I think the Sons of Liberty, who boycotted corporate tea, would be flummoxed by the notion of the wingnuts tea baggers purchasing thousands of corporate tea bags.”

Finally, teabagging” means to have a man insert his scrotum into another person’s mouth in the fashion of a teabag into a mug with an up/down (in/out) motion. You might want to check urbandictionary before naming your next movement something like “The Felchers.

3. Ben Bernanke: Hopefully Z Systems will chime in on this one.  I was baffled when Time named Bernanke their “Man-of-the-Year.” Of course, if the magazine was still relevant, people might really care. Regardless, the Fed King helped us into a recession and was rewarded with another term.  Just one example of this man’s character is his ongoing dealings with AIG, where Bernanke, Geithner and the New York Fed, passed billions off ‘so that certain organizations’ can receive yet more payoffs through the back door of the Federal Reserve (no questions asked).

I guess when there’s no oversight or accountability you can be a big time Douchenozzle and no one will ever know.

2. Glenn Beck: All you really need to know about Beck is that he yearns live in another time. More specifically, 9/12/01.  You remember 9/12/01- when everyone was confused, overwhelmed by tragedy, and scared shitless. Ah, those were the days. And who’s going to fear-monger us back to this time? Mr. Beck. Since his move to Fox, Beck has turned on the crazy, tuned in the radical, and dropped out of reality.

He has called the president a racist. He has implied Obama’s policies will set you on fire. He “thinks” FEMA is going to round you up and put you in death camps. HE MAKES BILL O’REILLY SEEM REASONABLE (occasionally).

His abilities as a snake-oil salesman are unparalleled.  Who else would readily admit to incest fantasies just to sell books? But one thing is certain, Beck is here to stay – at least until he crashes into flames he lit.   But in 2009, no one is flying higher in conservative circles than Mr. Beck.  No one uses more Hitler-comparisons.  And no one can revise history and develop baseless conspiracy theories like Glenn. A douchenozzle of the 1st degree.

One more thing, Glenn.  You’re going to have to get me one of those jump suits.





1.  Texas Governor Rick Perry: As a patriotic American, I have a problem with any public official who advocates secession, even if it’s in the form of insincere pandering. Any student of the Civil War knows the tragedy this country has endured. That’s why I wipe my ass with the Confederate flag. But secession talk alone doesn’t make you this big of a bastard.

While I rarely mess with Texas, I just can’t put aside my contempt for this man. Not only does he support executing the mentally ill, but the innocent as well. That’s why this dead-eyed fuck is such a dirtbag. Nothing is more important to Rick than himself and his career.  I guess that’s a theme that runs throughout this list. I posted on this issue here and here, so if you want see the details of while I despise the slimy d-bag please go there.

Me? I’m spent from all the hating.

So Rick Perry – You did it bud.  You’re actually a bigger Douchenozzle than Glenn Beck. Congrats and see you in 2010!

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Douchenozzle Of The Week

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

If there’s one organization that can demand pious morality from others, yet  still blame others for its own misdeeds, it’s the Catholic Church.

Enter Bill Donahue, president of the Catholic League, and all-around hateful jackass, who the Washington Post just allows to go on a fact-free, juvenile rant.  Some highlights:

Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity. They know, deep down, that what they are doing is wrong, and they shudder at the dreaded words, “Thou Shalt Not.” But they continue with their death-style anyway ….

I'll just leave it at that.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Douchebaggery.

Totally!  When I lube up my group sex partners and strap on the ball-gag, the only thing going through my mind is 80-year old Sister Mary (my 3rd grade teacher), and our complicated lust/hate relationship. It’s all about Catholicism!  Actually, it’s you Bill. I can’t stop thinking of you. You and St. Fiacre, patron saint of  hemorrhoids sufferers (true).

But I guess it’s just adult, consensual, out-of-wedlock, non-missionary, secular fucking that should be shamed and condemned.  Because, as we both know, Mr. Donahue never met a Catholic child-molester for whom he couldn’t make excuses……..

Douchenozzle’s Checklist for American decay:  The Sexually Active? Check.  Ok, moving on – Hollywood:

There was a time when Hollywood made reverential movies about Christianity. But those days are long gone. Now they just insult. And when someone finally makes a film that makes Christians proud, he is run out of town. Were it not for Mel Gibson, there would have been no “Passion of the Christ.” But for every Harvey Weinstein who likes to bash Catholics, there is always someone else waiting in the wings to do the same ….

I understand Bill’s job is to “spin,” but Jesus Christ (no pun),  there’s no way this asshead can honestly believe Mel Gibson was “run out of town”  because of The Passion.  For God’s sake, people gave him money to do Apocalypto.  No mention of the lesser-known, anti-Mayan prejudice of Hollywood Jews.

Gibson tarnished his own reputation by getting trashed and making public his hostile anti-Semitism.  But it’s all a symbol of Catholic persecution because Harvey Weinstein produced a movie with an evil priest.

Maybe Donahue is just upset because he went to the “casting couch” with a Hollyowood producer who promised him a role in the next Flomax commercial. Sad.

Okay, moving on to  liberals + gays + philanthropists:

Catholics were once the mainstay of the Democratic Party; now the gay activists are in charge. Indeed, practicing Catholics are no longer welcome in leadership roles in the Party: the contempt that pro-life Catholics experience is palpable. The fact that Catholics for Choice, a notoriously anti-Catholic front group funded by the Ford Foundation, has a close relationship with the Democrats says it all ….

Yes, Democrats despise Catholics.  You know, arch-enemies like John Kerry, Joe Biden, and Ted Kennedy.

The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they’re too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.

This guy is so out-of-touch it’s unbelievable.  Doesn’t he know we’re all aborting dogs, walking kids, and eschewing baths altogether?

Bill has a classic Perseuction Complex.  Look, asshole, this isn’t the 1920s.  I will refrain from retelling the history of anti-Catholicism, but let’s make one thing clear:  Calling out the Church’s criminal conspiracy to cover-up the pedophilia of their priests does not constitute  persecution.  It constitutes appropriate indignation at the most despicable behavior attributable to humans.  Where’s your moral compass, Dbag?

You can fight your imaginary culture wars all you want.  At the end of the day, only a miniscule pack  of drones will pick up the pitchforks to follow you.  And at the end of the day, you’ll still be a Douchenozzle.

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Douchenozzle Of The Week

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Douchenozzle - let me count the ways.

Douchenozzle - let me count the ways.

I’m a huge Cubs fan. I’m also a huge Cubs fan that despises a lot of the “fans” that show up to Wrigley Field on a typical evening.  Case in point, this tool (above) took it upon himself to pour his $8 beer on Phillies’ CF Shane Victorino during last night’s Phillies’ rout.

Wrigley security ejected the wrong guy – the guy on the right who looks like the fat, asthmatic chipmunk.  However, today the Cubs and Victorino filed a report with the Chicago Police Department.  The CPD is now looking for this douchenozzle, and hopefully he’s found.

The bleachers at Wrigley can be a great place to watch a game.  Lately, not so much.  I thought bleacher d-bags were losing interest in the recent tradition of tossing trash on the field after a bad call or tough break late in a game.  This invariably results in a 15-minute delay where the grounds crew has to come clear the warning track of garbage.  And oh yeah, trash that was not tossed during the initial tantrum then gets thrown at the ground crew.  Class all-around.

This douchenozzle maintains this tradition.   To paraphrase WSCR host Dan Bernstein,  you know you’re an asshole when the guy in the blue Fukudome-headband is giving you the “what-the-fuck?!” look.  And I know I’ve mentioned this before, but while we’re on the subject, what’s up with adult white guys wearing slightly-off-center caps? Wipe that stupid grin off your face.  You look like a fucking asshole.

Anyone who knows this douchenozzle, please let him know he’s a fucker.  Then call the cops.

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Douchenozzle of the Week: People Still Listen To John Bolton?

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

 This is the headline that met me on most of the day when I checked my e-mail:  Bill Clinton rewarding NKorea for bad behavior: Bolton

According to Bolton,

“It comes perilously close to negotiating with terrorists,” Bolton told AFP when asked about Bill Clinton‘s trip to secure the release of journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee.

“I think this is a very bad signal because it does exactly what we always try and avoid doing with terrorists, or with rogue states in general, and that’s encouraging their bad behavior,” Bolton said.

And Now?

SEOUL, South Korea – North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has issued a “special pardon” to two American journalists convicted of sneaking into the country illegally, and he ordered them released during a visit by former U.S. President Bill Clinton, North Korean media reported early Wednesday.

Ok, ok. It’s great these two women will be released, but what price did we pay for “negotiating?”  This is not my area of expertise.  Apparently, obstructing Congress’ investigation  into “negotiating with terrorists” wasn’t dangerous when Bolton was at the D.O.J.  But now? God help us.

We know Bolton has never met a problem he didn’t want to bomb.  Iraq? Bomb ‘em.  Iran? Bomb ‘em.  North Korea? Bomb ’em. Landscapers cut his lawn too short? Bomb ‘em.  Wife forgot the dry cleaning?  Bomb her.

In fact, Bolton’s fervent support of the Bush Doctrine would be comical if he wasn’t held in such high esteem by Conservative editorial outlets such as WaPo and the WSJ. 

Joe Cirincioni writes:

John Bolton had eight years to test his theories. He failed. The Bush Doctrine he helped develop held that nuclear weapons don’t kill people, hostile regimes do. Instead of trying to reduce and eliminate nuclear weapons, we would eliminate regimes. The Iraq War was the first implementation of this strategy.

Bolton and others claimed that the war was intended not just to remove an urgent nuclear threat but to deter others. When Bolton was asked in mid-2003 what lesson other nations should draw from the Iraq War, he replied, “Take a number.” The message was clear: abandon your programs or face overthrow.The strategy backfired. Both Iran and North Korea — two countries that, unlike Iraq, actually had nuclear programs — accelerated their efforts. Both made more progress in nuclear programs in the past six years than they had in the previous 12.

So why do people still treat him like some sage diplomatic and military (never served) expert?  Perhaps it’s his comedic timing and cavalier attitude regarding the destruction of my hometown.  Hilarious…!

Congrats, Douchenozzle. And go ef yourself.

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Douchenozzle(s) of the Week

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

#1:  No one has ever claimed Bud Selig injected Barry Bonds in the ass with Durabolin, or that he helped Mark McGuire apply Proactiv to his pock-marked face.  But, poor Bud. His feelings are really hurt.  Quite possibly, the innocent victim of a crazy “witch-hunt.” Or something.

Today, Bud is all over the place claiming the following:

“I don’t want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to this or he didn’t care about it,” Selig said. “That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I’m sensitive to the criticism. The reason I’m so frustrated is, if you look at our whole body of work, I think we’ve come farther than anyone ever dreamed possible.”

Let’s see. Bud Selig, acting commissioner 1992-1998.  Commissioner, 1998-present.  When MLB resurrected itself in the late-90s, largely due to the gaudy HR numbers put up by the triumvirate of juice – McGuire, Sosa and Bonds, Bud Selig loved the camera.  He loved taking credit.  And baseball has enjoyed a huge comeback.  The MLB set attendance records in 2007, and almost again last year.

Ken Caminiti admitted to using steroids in ’02.  He claimed 1/2 of MLB players are users.  In 2005, MLB finally instituted a collectively-bargained drug policy.  What does Bud say?  

“Starting in 1995, I tried to institute a steroid policy,” Selig said. “Needless to say, it was met with strong resistance. We were fought by the union every step of the way.”

Strange, I’m pretty sure Bud would have a hard time coming up with evidence to support that. While Donald Fehr and the Players’ Union

Oh my God, you irritate the hell out of me.

Oh my God, you irritate the hell out of me.

 are certainly as culpable as the MLB, the job to protect the integrity of the game + properly manage the league lies with the Commissioner’s office.  He has done nothing but turn a blind eye.  And that “annoys the you know what out of me.”

He then states:

“They all told me none of them ever saw it in the clubhouses and that their players never spoke about it,” Selig said. “[Padres CEO] Sandy Alderson, as good a baseball man as you’ll find, was convinced it was the bat. Others were convinced it was the ball. So a lot of people didn’t know.”

If no one knew, then why did you try to institute a steroid policy in 1995?  It’s the bat.  It’s the ball.  It’s Gary Gaetti in the clutch. Which is it, you sanctimonious douchenozzle?

You may ask, ‘Why would he turn the other way?’  Well, there’s no need to “rock the boat” when you cleared over $18 million in 2007.

#2.  The 2nd Douchenozzle of the week needs no introduction.  He’s one of the 4 players that made more than Bud last year. 

Though I’ve always been very far from feeling sorry for him, until today I was reluctant to pile on ARod.  First of all, the Union seriously messed up in allowing the results of an “anonymous” test to be released.  Second, over 100 other players tested positive, but I haven’t heard a peep about any of them.  Where’s the outrage over Brady Anderson?!  Too soon?  Too late?  I guarantee his First Response Home Steroid Test either came up blue, or had a “plus-sign.”  But those are different issues altogether.

ARod’s “prepared statement” today was epic in it’s bullshit + typical in its failure to take responsibility.  A couple of highlights:

Rodriguez said his cousin introduced him to “boli,” saying it was an over-the-counter substance in the Dominican Republic. From 2001 until 2003 with Texas, he said his cousin injected him about twice a month during six-month cycles to get an energy boost.

“I didn’t think they were steroids,” he said. “That’s again part of being young and stupid. It was over the counter. It was pretty simple.”

“All these years I never thought I did anything wrong.”

2 problems with this.  First, he failed to identify his “cousin.”  One reason may be because he wants to protect him.  Personally, I don’t think this “cousin” exists.  He’s just blaming it on some random Dominican no one will be able to locate.  Prove me wrong, Dateline.

Second, he pulls the Barry Bonds/Brian Roberts, “I didn’t think they were steroids”-card.  This fully contradicts his initial interview with apologist and guitarist Peter Gammons, where ARod indicated he took drugs because of the pressure of his big contract.  Which is it?  Jesus. Won’t someone just come clean + say, “I did it. It’s wrong.  I regret it. Don’t do it children. Everyone have an ice cream, on me!”  

Invariably it goes like this (after the player is confronted with iron clad proof), “It was an accident.  



 Someone else gave it to me. I didn’t know what it was. I’m sorry I got caught. Can I keep my endorsements?”

I could go on, but I’m sure this will be over-examined. It goes something like:  i was naive, blah blah blah, talks about himself in the 3rd person, blah blah, sorry to my teammates. 

Apparently, Pitchers, catchers and douchenozzles have all reported to Camp.

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Douchenozzle(s) of the Week

Posted by Matt on Friday, October 24th, 2008

What happens when you combine students from a world-renowned grad school, a few light beers, and a priceless prehistoric artifact?  A Matt Damon movie? nope. Awkward sexual innuendos? probably.   How about a recipe for some douchenozzles?  Absolutely.

Reported in the Sun-Times today, students from Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management attended a party at Chicago’s historic Field Museum.  According to the Sun-Times, the business kids…

 reportedly got drunk, vomited on the floor, spit at people, passed out and threw things at Sue herself.

Let’s analyze this behavior one aspect at a time:

1.  Douchenozzles got drunk: Northwestern Business school.  I bet some of the conversations were fascinating. 

2.  Douchenozzles vomit on the floor of Field Museum:  Classy!

3.  Douchenozzles spit at people:  That’s just Business 101.  Spitting at people is a negotiation technique. Spitting at strangers in a museum just says, “Fuck you. I go to one of the nation’s best business schools. Nice fanny-pack.”

4.  Douchenozzles threw things at Sue:  For those unfamiliar, Sue is neither the class skank, nor is she the annoying girl in the front row of the class who raises her hand all the time.  Sue is a truly impressive Tyrannosaurus rex, which the Field Museum purchased for over $8.3 million.  Sue is the Field Museum’s prize attraction and the most preserved T-Rex ever discovered. Sue is 67 million years old (or a youthful 5,000 if you’re Sarah Palin). And these drunk nerds are tossing Heineken bottles at the thing? What the hell?  Look, I get drunk and stupid just as much as the next guy.  Far more often, actually. I could never see myself, or my drunk asshole friends, disrespecting this truly historic treasure.  I’d even be more inclined to piss into the dolphin tank at the Shedd Aquarium. A little urine won’t faze Flipper.

Why do drunk assholes hate me? I thought we were friends!

Why do drunk assholes hate me? I thought we were friends!

 Anyway, I’m sure all the kids attending the party weren’t douchenozzles.  I mean, these are the leaders of tomorrow.  In an e-mail reprimand to her fellow students, Andrea Hanson, a vice president of the Kellogg Student Association, called the Sept. 26 party “an embarrassment.” 

She described how drunken students — “already too overserved” — forced the Field Museum to shut down the open bar to try to calm the situation. 

Rowdy business students, closed bar, a turbulent economy?  The Field Museum is lucky no one was hurt.

According to Hanson (she sounds like a lot of fun), students smuggled in alcohol — filling trash cans with empty bottles — and some students “passed out in high-traffic areas.”

Just another night on the town! It would have been fitting if a projectile would’ve dislodged a vertebrae causing Sue’s mandible to dis-attach and crush one of the douchenozzle’s legs.  Too harsh?  Ok.  I see it.  

One thing you can say about these Kellogg students, they may be on the way to high 6-figures in the near-future, but they sure can’t handle their booze.  Hey Douchenozzles! Show some respect.

Award winners? Yes.  Douchenozzles? Perhaps we'll never know.

Award winners? Yes. Douchenozzles? Perhaps we'll never know

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Douchenozzle of the Week

Posted by Matt on Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

Meet Andy LaCasse:  Floridan, Korean War Veteran, Sign-Maker, Douchenozzle.  Here he is. Say ‘hi.’
Douchenozzle models latest summer fashions

Douchenozzle models latest summer fashions

And here’s Andy’s yard sign: 

Hey Docuhenozzle! Spell-check that shit!

Hey Douchenozzle! Spell-check that shit!

Andy, Barefoot Bay, Florida’s resident douchenozzle, recently put up this sign in his front yard.  Believe it or not, some of his neighbors hate free speech, hate America and have a problem with this sign.

But this Douchenozzle doesn’t give a fuck! “I got nothing good to say about Obama,” Lacasse told News 13 in Florida. “If I see anybody touching that sign, I got a club sitting right over there.”

I picture a club like the one Captain Caveman used to brandish on the classic cartoon.  Although subsequent reports state the douchenozzle may be referring to a day old club sandwich.

Furthermore, Andy claims he was a registered Democrat until Obama won the nomination.  Sorry to lose you, buddy.

“That’s the Democratic Party. They’re nothing but a bunch of cutthroats,” Lacasse said. “Like I always said, you show me an honest politician, I’ll show you an honest thief.”

And like I always say, show me an ignorant hick with a homemade yardsign, and I’ll thankfully trade the sign for a “Billy Bass, Singing Bass.”

Like most registered Democrats, this douchenozzle was quick to run to the defense of the Republican nominee for vice-president.  “Look what he’s doing to Palin,” Lacasse said, referring to Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, Republican John McCain’s running mate. “Come on. He got people going to Alaska, looking for something to say bad about her.”

The douchenozzle said he plans to put an even bigger sign in place of the small, handmade one.  Or he may just buy a new Sharpie and fix this one. 

One thing you can say for Andy – he’s no “half-breed,” he’s a full-bred Douchenozzle.  Keep it up!

Complete story here.

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