Archive for the Least Surprising Headlines Category

Today’s Least Surprising Headline

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

Just when I thought the Bulls’ were all set to become the losers of the NBA’s off-season…

Del Negro reaches deal to become Clippers coach

A predictable move from sports’ most inept front office.

Inspiring confidence via the butt-cut

The Clippers have put together a nice core: Griffin, Gordon, Davis, Kaman, etc.. And they just set themselves back a couple years by hiring one of the NBA’s worst coaches in recent memory.

While I’m floored DelNegro received another head coaching job, I’m pretty sure if he got an offer it would be from the Clippers.

Clippers fans: enjoy those late game situations where you run out of timeouts and can’t defend a simple inbound play from under-the-basket. A guy who could care less about team defense and has seemingly no recognition of the offensive strengths and weaknesses of his roster. Vintage Clips.

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Today’s Least Surprising Headline

Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Obese SC man dies after 8 months in home recliner

Authorities say a severely overweight South Carolina man stayed in his recliner without moving for eight months until shortly before his death.

Firefighters had to cut Tillmon Webb from the chair after his mother called paramedics because he was in pain. Greenwood County deputies say the 33-year-old weighed about 800 pounds when he died Wednesday at a hospital.

Webb’s wife, Ada, says he died of a heart attack. She says the former preacher injured his knee in March and then stayed in his power recliner at home 70 miles west of Columbia. She says she cleaned the chair daily.

Deputies say Webb had sores on his body and a “very bad odor.”

Webb’s wife says he didn’t want help because he was ready to go to heaven and see Jesus. She says he weighed closer to 500 pounds.

Hopefully Jesus didn’t have to carry the Late Mr. Webb past the threshold.

In related news:

WOMAN WITH BLUETOOTH HEADSET A TOTAL BITCH

We Get It.

JAPANESE TOURIST TAKES A LOT OF PICTURES

MAN ON BICYCLE FOR 22 STRAIGHT HOURS HAS SORE ‘TAINT’

CAUCASIANS AT SARAH PALIN APPEARANCE

and…

PRIEST ABSTINENT FOR 14 YEARS MASTURBATES FURIOUSLY

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Last Week’s Least Surprising Headline

Posted by Matt on Monday, August 10th, 2009

Autopsy: Cocaine contributed to Billy Mays’ death

8-ball, 8-Ball, 8-BALL!!!!
8-ball, 8-Ball, 8-BALL!!!!

TAMPA, Fla. – An official autopsy report released Friday found that cocaine use contributed to the heart disease that suddenly killed TV pitchman Billy Mays in June, but his family called the finding “speculative” and considered getting an independent look at the results.

The Hillsborough County medical examiner’s office previously determined that the bearded, boisterous TV spokesman had a heart attack in his sleep. His wife found him unresponsive in bed in their Tampa condo June 28.

Question calling for baseless speculation:  Mays’ coke use fueled by (1) Need for over-the-top, teeth-grinding energy typical of infomercial genre, OR (2) Compensation for self-loathing about having to feign excitement over cleaning supplies? Let’s talk about it.

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Gratuitous World Blog

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