CHAPTER 1
Last week, the esteemed President of Chik-Fil-A officially came out as a bigot. While they had a long history of sponsoring anti-gay causes, this was a surprise to many and an apoplectic rain of hellfire for certain people. [President] Dan Cathy’s announcement instigated immediate boycotts by some and classic authoritarian overreach by a few public officials attempting to be the most indignant.
CHAPTER 2
Chicago alderman Joe Moreno picked up the torch for the Chik-Fil-hAters. He wants to block the city’s 2nd Chik-fil-A scheduled to be hatched in his ward. He was soon followed by Chicago Mayor Emanuel, as well as Boston Mayor Thomas Menino.
Chicago’s mayor, Rahm Emanuel, [issued] his own statement: “Chick-fil-A values are not Chicago values. They disrespect our fellow neighbors and residents. This would be a bad investment, since it would be empty.”
Seriously? I would never designate Emanuel as a liberal or progressive, but this is clearly an antiprogresive stance that is far from First Amendment friendly. Are you really going to prevent entry into the market for every business that doesn’t align with your “values?” How many Wal-Marts does the city have now? (haha, just kidding – Rahm hates Labor and the ridiculous $10.50/hr they ask for.)
In general, I’m all for the “boycott.” If Chicagoans don’t jive with Chik-Fil-A’s bigotry, or merely recognize Harold’s, Popeye’s, Crisp, etc…all provide much better products, soon the business will tuck its feathers between its legs and go back to whatever exurban shithole, cultural abyss it came from. Emanuel’s overreach is unnecessary and undemocratic.
In the New Gilded Age, it’s really hard(for me) to avoid or boycott all products or businesses that don’t represent my “values.”
Get Some!
I used to try to boycott certain gas stations when I believed they were bad corporate citizens. Eventually I ended up getting around via rickshaw because, wouldn’t-ya-know, they’re all self-serving, corrupt and exploitative. Unfortunately, my rickshaw driver’s wife died choking on an undercooked potato, so he was vehemently anti-Irish. I was soon back to square one. Then I learned that the signs on the stations are fairly meaningless and sometimes you just need to stop at the Citgo.
CHAPTER 3
This story wouldn’t be complete without reaction from our Conservative Protectors. Huckabee, Santorum, Palin, etc., climbed all over each other to blast the boycotters and make sure everyone knew how they would swim JetSki the Potomac to get their hands on a processed partial-chicken nugget.
Yesterday, Mike Huckabee organized Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day. He encouraged all his minions to ”Stand Up for Chik-Fil-A (but not too quickly or they might get light-headed).” This was a genius move by Huckabee. Nothing motivates “Real Americans” like hatred and fried food from chain restaraunts. Cars stretched around the block – because they sure-as-shit weren’t walking. Communities celebrated. The Insulin flowed like water. Kindred spirits copulated in the bathrooms (Mile Wide Club). In the end, Chik-fil-A had its biggest single day of sales in company history.
Why were they doing this? Because of their strict adherence to the Bible and some words scribbled on a scroll thousands of years ago.
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination. Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things Leviticus 18:22, 24
See that, NOH8?! We are ordered not to defile ourselves with gayness. We are not bigots. We just blindly adhere to every word in the Good Book.
Err..
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Well, just ignore this + eat up, fatties. To profess your Tribal bigotry, you can hide behind your faith but probably not that load-bearing pole. For y’all, it’s much easier to hate a group of people than treat your body like a temple.
I can’t wait for the next chapter.
