Archive for the Religion Category

What Are ‘End Times,’ Alex?

Posted by Matt on Thursday, December 13th, 2012

When in doubt, that’s the answer – which is strange because that answer implies conviction.  Anyway, we’ve been over this before.

(Reuters) – Nearly four in 10 U.S. residents say the severity of recent natural disasters such as Superstorm Sandy is evidence the world is coming to an end, as predicted by the Bible, while more than six in 10 blame it on climate change, according to a poll released on Thursday.

The survey by the Public Religion Research Institute in partnership with the Religion News Service found political and religious disagreement on what is behind severe weather, which this year has included extreme heat and drought.

Most Catholics (60 percent) and white non-evangelical Protestants (65 percent) say they believe disasters like hurricanes and floods are the result of climate change.

But nearly two-thirds (65 percent) of white evangelical Protestants say they think the storms are evidence of the “end times” as predicted by the Bible.

Overall, 36 percent point to end times and 63 percent to climate change.

offered without comment.

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Dude Protesting Cheerios Gets All Hot & Bothered

Posted by Matt on Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

General Mills does not care about your sexuality.  This guy is upset about that so he’s going to burn some Cheerios at General Mills’ Headquarters in Minnesota.  Hilarity ensues.

I like when his “accomplices” start laughing at him.  Also, the fire.

Lesson: Do Not Cross The Raisin Bran Sun God (a/k/a, One True God)

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Doctor Denies Rape Victim Emergency Contraception Because The Real Victims Are The Cells Inside Of Her

Posted by Matt on Monday, August 6th, 2012

This always makes me HULK Mad. Do your damn job.

An Oklahoma emergency room doctor refused to provide emergency contraception to a 24-year-old female rape victim because the medication violated the health provider’s personal beliefs, a local CBS News affiliate reports. The hospital also denied the victim a rape kit, noting that it had no appropriate nurse on staff to administer the test.

“I will not give you emergency contraceptives because it goes against my beliefs,” the doctor allegedly told the rape victim and her mother, Rhonda. “She knew my daughter had just been raped. Her attitude was so judgmental and I felt that she was just judging my daughter,” Rhonda told the news station.

This “conscience clause” business is totally mind-boggling.  If your perverted morality supersedes your duty and oath as a medical professional to provide perfectly legal medical treatment, maybe you should recalibrate your career choice.

Fortunately, the young woman in Oklahoma ended up going to another hospital, where she received the medication she needed and the rape kit. But she would have had to go to two hospitals either way, since budget cuts have forced the state to resort to a system of rotating Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE nurses).

First, do no harm. Second, deny needed treatment. Third, embarrass a traumatized victim.  Fourth, send her to another hospital.  Fifth, realize you did harm. Sixth, quit.


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Reactions To Chik-Fil-A Bigotry Are Totally Reasonable. Did I Say ‘Reasonable?’ I Meant ‘Totally Unhinged.’

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 2nd, 2012


Last week, the esteemed President of Chik-Fil-A officially came out as a bigot.  While they had a long history of sponsoring anti-gay causes, this was a surprise to many and an apoplectic rain of hellfire for certain people. [President] Dan Cathy’s announcement instigated immediate boycotts by some and classic authoritarian overreach by a few public officials attempting to be the most indignant.


Chicago alderman Joe Moreno picked up the torch for the Chik-Fil-hAters.  He wants to block the city’s 2nd Chik-fil-A scheduled to be hatched in his ward.  He was soon followed by Chicago Mayor Emanuel, as well as Boston Mayor Thomas Menino.

Chicago’s mayor, Rahm Emanuel, [issued] his own statement: “Chick-fil-A values are not Chicago values. They disrespect our fellow neighbors and residents. This would be a bad investment, since it would be empty.”

Seriously? I would never designate Emanuel as a liberal or progressive, but this is clearly an antiprogresive stance that is far from First Amendment friendly.  Are you really going to prevent entry into the market for every business that doesn’t align with your “values?”  How many Wal-Marts does the city have now?  (haha, just kidding – Rahm hates Labor and the ridiculous $10.50/hr they ask for.)

In general, I’m all for the “boycott.”  If Chicagoans don’t jive with Chik-Fil-A’s bigotry, or merely recognize Harold’s, Popeye’s, Crisp, etc…all provide much better products, soon the business will tuck its feathers between its legs and go back to whatever exurban shithole, cultural abyss it came from.  Emanuel’s overreach is unnecessary and undemocratic.

In the New Gilded Age, it’s really hard(for me) to avoid or boycott all products or businesses that don’t represent my “values.”

Get Some!

I used to try to boycott certain gas stations when I believed they were bad corporate citizens.  Eventually I ended up getting around via rickshaw because, wouldn’t-ya-know, they’re all self-serving, corrupt and exploitative.  Unfortunately, my rickshaw driver’s wife died choking on an undercooked potato, so he was vehemently anti-Irish.  I was soon back to square one.  Then I learned that the signs on the stations are fairly meaningless and sometimes you just need to stop at the Citgo.


This story wouldn’t be complete without reaction from our Conservative Protectors.  Huckabee, Santorum, Palin, etc., climbed all over each other to blast the boycotters and make sure everyone knew how they would swim JetSki the Potomac to get their hands on a processed partial-chicken nugget.

Yesterday, Mike Huckabee organized Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day.  He encouraged all his minions to ”Stand Up for Chik-Fil-A (but not too quickly or they might get light-headed).” This was a genius move by Huckabee. Nothing motivates “Real Americans” like hatred and fried food from chain restaraunts.  Cars stretched around the block – because they sure-as-shit weren’t walking. Communities celebrated. The Insulin flowed like water. Kindred spirits copulated in the bathrooms (Mile Wide Club). In the end, Chik-fil-A had its biggest single day of sales in company history.

Why were they doing this?  Because of their strict adherence to the Bible and some words scribbled on a scroll thousands of years ago.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination. Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things  Leviticus 18:22, 24

See that, NOH8?! We are ordered not to defile ourselves with gayness.  We are not bigots. We just blindly adhere to every word in the Good Book.


Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Well, just ignore this + eat up, fatties.  To profess your Tribal bigotry, you can hide behind your faith but probably not that load-bearing pole.  For y’all, it’s much easier to hate a group of people than treat your body like a temple.

I can’t wait for the next chapter.

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Santorum Campaign Offered Jewish Supporters The Most Backhanded Of “Happy Hanukkahs”

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 9th, 2012

From Rick Santorum’s South Carolina Campaign (via Hunter Walker)











A close 2nd to John’s Gospel verse was Revelation 20:14-15:

 ”Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire.”

Maybe next year.

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Catholic Church Not Cool With Employees Receiving Option of Sex-Related Prescription Coverage (Unless They’re Guys)

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, February 8th, 2012

parents: tattoo this picture on the inside of your tween's eyelids

The Catholic Church, moral paragon of all recent millenia, is leading the charge against the Obama Administration’s decision requiring health insurance companies to offer the option of prescription birth control coverage to women.

According to bloviating bishops + many republicans, this option infringes on an insurance company’s 1st Amendment religious right to deny medication…or something.

(Imagine if the Church had confronted its rampant pedophilia problem with such zeal.)

Rick Santorum is taking time away from bemoaning the horror of granting property + visitation rights to two dudes who love eachother in order to consolidate the haters behind this issue.  Mitt Romney is losing ground because conservatives don’t believe he’s really into controlling the reproductive health of women and shrinking government down to the size where he can save it from your vagina. (That’s -1, Mittens.)

Politically, this issue may fire up the GOP “base,” but for most Americans, the antiquated war on women’s health is probably getting old.  The fact that birth control is beneficial to women’s health by allowing them to regulate periods, space out pregnancies, etc. is just too much to handle, and certainly infringes on conservatives and the Church’s rights to regulate American uteruses (uteri?).

Furthermore, the fact that women have sex for pleasure (or because they’re bored, it’s Wednesday, etc) is enough to make some heads explode.  However, that’s not true for the majority of Americans – Catholics included.

Public Religion Research Institute, asked if all employers should be required to offer healthcare plans that cover contraception:

  • All Americans: broad agreement, 55%-40%
  • Catholics: broad agreement, 58%-37%

the second survey asked the general question first (getting similar results to the PRRI survey) and then asked specifically if Catholic hospitals and universities should be included:

  • All Americans: broad agreement, 57%-39%
  • Catholics: broad agreement, 53%-45%

Don’t worry, Bishops. There will probably be a bigger religious exemption so you can still provide your white-haired minions with a 4-hour Boner Pill to produce genetically messed up sperm, while denying approved and prescribed drugs for female employees.  At least your generation-to-generation consistency is admirable.

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Chicago’s Very Own Joe Paterno Compares Gay Rights To White Supremacy

Posted by Matt on Friday, December 23rd, 2011

"you're more evil.." "No, you are!" "You are!" "hahaha - okok, i am"

On Christmas Day, Chicago’s Cardinal Francis George will say Mass at Holy Name Cathedral, and then visit Cook County Jail, where he belongs. (Just google Fr. Daniel McCormack. Or Fr. Kenneth Martin. Or Father Norbert Maday. etc.) Frankly, the guy is a monster shrouded in the illusion of piety that exemplifies the Catholic Church.  He also has problems with certain homosexuals.

Chicago Cardinal Francis George was asked during an interview on WFLD-TV what he thought about a local priest’s concerns that the city’s annual gay pride parade might interrupt morning Mass at his church.George replied that he was concerned the gay rights movement might “morph into something like the Ku Klux Klan, demonstrating in the streets against Catholicism.”

He says the rhetoric of the KKK and some in the gay rights movement involving the Catholic Church was similar.

On Thursday, a coalition of Catholic groups that work for LGBT rights called George’s comments “crude” and “demagogic.”

Organizers of the June parade agreed Wednesday to start later to avoid disrupting church services.

I’ve been to the Pride Parade and have always thought it reminiscent of a Klan Rally – except with less clothing, more diversity, and less sexual experimentation.

Some Church officials echoed the Cardinal’s comments, but promised to meet up with the paraders at the after parties.

There will be no “Joy To The World” this year. It’s the gayest Christmas song.

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No Grace For The Cure

Posted by Matt on Friday, December 16th, 2011

LifeWay Christian Bookstores are part of LifeWay Christian Resources – an evangelical publishing powerhouse located in a huge corporate office overlooking the vomit crusted streets of Nashville.  They have over 150 locations and sell countless items.  Furthermore, their on-line offerings are extensive and impressive…

  • Subscribe to Pedalpoint MagazineArranagements of piano, organ, and various combinations of both. (“On Eagles’ Wings” or GTFO).
  • Lay  your hands on Lifeway’s Best Seller –  The Tehran Initiative – a riveting yarn billed as “a Christian thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat! Iraq has just conducted its first atomic weapons test, and Israeli leaders feel a nuclear attack is imminent – which could leave the entire Middle East in shambles. It’s up to CIA operative David Shirazi and his team to track down the warheads before it’s too late. 
  • If you can’t handle more Iraq WMD fiction, spend some quality time with Tim Tebow’s Through My Eyes, LifeWay’s non-fiction(shocker!) best-seller .  Spoiler:  The book is terrible for the first 150 pages, but the last chapter is decent.
  • Not a big reader? Sign up for X-Fuge 2012!! (not fantasy camp for aspiring adult movie line producers that goes by the same name) Here’s what you can expect:

Want to do your own camp but don’t have the time to plan it? We’ll take care of the big stuff: pastor, worship band, fellowships, lodging, food and even Bible study. Join everyone in the morning and evening for camp-wide services then choose your experience for the rest of the day: on-campus team building or head out for some group adventures. (June-July)

LifeWay Bible Purse: Perfect accesory for that 'Walk of Shame'...or that 'thought of shame.' Actually great for any Bob Jones U or shame-related activity

You get the picture – thousands of products + thousands of books. There are hundreds of Bible versions, bible flash cards, bible purses (yes ladies, they exist), every Bible-themed product imaginable, except this one:

LifeWay Christian Bookstores has removed a Bible from its shelves because the Bible helped raise money for the Susan G. Komen Foundation, which in turn “funds Planned Parenthood” breast cancer programs.

The Bible, which was published by B&H Publishing Group, was sold with the stipulation that $1 from the sale of each Bible would go to the Komen Foundation. The foundation says on its website it gives money to Planned Parenthood, stating that funds from the foundation go to “Planned Parenthood-sponsored breast cancer health programs.”

“When our leadership discovered the overwhelming concern that some of Komen’s affiliates were giving funds to Planned Parenthood, we began the arduous process of withdrawing this Bible from the market,” stated a release by Thom S. Rainer, president and CEO of LifeWay. “Though we have assurances that Komen’s funds are used only for breast cancer screening and awareness, it is not in keeping with LifeWay’s core values to have even an indirect relationship with Planned Parenthood.”

Courageous decision.  The trauma of contemplating your daughter taking her advent-gifted bible purse into PP for a mammogram is avoided. From the Komen Foundation’s statement…

“In all cases, Komen funding is used exclusively to provide breast cancer programs, including clinical breast exams conducted by trained medical personnel,” stated the release. “It’s important to note that Komen will only make grants to non-profit organizations. As many mammography providers are for-profit entities, we are only to fund mammography services through grants made to local non-profit service providers.”

LifeWay’s non-profit corporate slogan is Biblical Solutions For Life. Of course it is. I’m sure they’ll be right there to pick up the slack and make breast exams by medical professionals more available. Maybe it can be part of X-Fuge 2013.

these guys are really into life (not yours obv...)


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America’s Most Awful Future Presidential Candidate Also Pretty Awful In The Recent Past And All Other Times

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

"In the same way therefore not one of you can be my disciple if he does not renounce all his own possessions." haha that's not about gays or abortion so it doesnt really count.

Rick Perry is shamelessly self-promoting his South-by-ChristWest festival, where people from all walks of christianity will be welcomed to the Houston Texans’ stadium in order to skip the meal between breakfast and brunch fast and pray for Jesus to fix the state budget, or in the alternative, probably something related to college football.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle divulges some interesting information:

From 2000, when Perry became governor, through 2009, he earned a total of $2.68 million, according to his tax records. Of that amount, he gave about half a percent to churches and religious organizations, or $14,243.

By comparison, Americans averaged gifts of nearly 1.2 percent of their income to churches and religious groups from 2004 to 2008, according to Empty Tomb Inc., an Illinois-based research firm specializing in U.S. church-giving trends.

Perry will probably run for president because he’s in the hole to the Man Upstairs by about 35,000, plus points.

It’s possible one would think the callous execution of innocent people would deter one’s political prospects.  Obviously, we’re not all on the same page here because I guess Jesus crossed the Delaware and signed the Dead Sea Scrolls to protect the liberty of property-owning, rickets-free white men. So this lack of charitable contribution will probably be looked upon fondly by his base.

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Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Posted by Matt on Friday, February 18th, 2011

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post - gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).


I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.

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