American Sports’ most over-analyzed and unnecssarily lengthy event is coming to a long weekend near you. The internet needs another mock draft, so here ya go…
Chiefs’ new coach Andy Reid is known for unorthodox motivational techniques…
1. Kansas City Chiefs – Luke Joeckel, OT – Texas A&M: This draft is full of giant men who will prevent opposing defenders from hitting the next mediocre Chiefs’ QB. Joeckel is the safest bet.
Other possibilities: OT Eric Fischer
2. Jacksonville Jaguars – Dion Jordan, DE/OLB – Oregon: Like a deranged pop star, the Jaguars have a lot of needs. Let’s just leave it there.
Other possibilities: QB Tim Tebow (pronounced “TEE-boe”); 1 Season-ticket purchaser – Though he currently plagues the Jets*, Tebow always seems to be a terrible possibility for Jacksonville – a terrible town with terrible fans.
3. Oakland Raiders – Star Lotulelei, DT – Utah: Lotulelei has been dropping, probably due to recent anti-Tongan sentiment. But we’re holding tight on the talented DT. Anyway, it’s the Raiders, so they’re probably going to fuck it up and draft Geno Smith. Aren’t they?
Other possibilities: QB Geno Smith; This Guy:
4. Philadelphia Eagles – Sharrif Floyd, DT – Florida: The Eagles go for Philly-native Floyd, which will definitely work out well for the Floyd family in this notoriously warm-hearted metropolis.
Other possibilities: Smith, Fischer
5. Detroit Lions – Eric Fischer, OT – Central Michigan: The Lions will be the first organization to circumnavigate the globe by going 1-step forward / 2-steps back, all the while embarrassing themselves. This offseason they added a much-needed safety and scatback, yet somehow managed to lose 2 DEs and 2 OTs. Last year’s 1st rd pick Riley Reiff might be moved inside – to Guard, not inside the office. Luckily, Martin Mayhew will trip into this pick. Fischer is a great call – even though I’ve never seen him play. can’t miss?
Other possibilities: CB Dee Milner, DE Ezekial Anzah – Someone might snatch Fischer before the Lions pick, so their next logical move for the Lions’ franchise will be to draft Anzah, who screams, ‘bust.’
6. Cleveland Browns – Dee Milliner, CB – Alabama: Dare I say it – the Browns made some smart moves this offseason. So look for new owner Jimmy Haslam to start appraising his assets. He might as well go out on a high note and return to the more glamourous world of convenience stores and rest stop showers. Milliner should be solid opposite Joe Haden as long as his shoulder doesn’t fall off, though it might take him a while to adjust to the NFL as he’ll get to yawn through Brandon Weeden reps in training camp.
Other possibilities: Anzah, A damn good lawyer
7. Arizona Cardinals – Lane Johnson, OT – Oklahoma: This guy used to be a QB, so who knows? He might start the season at LT but end it behind center.
Other possibilities: Smith (you know you want to…!), G Chance Warmack – Someone made a joke that the Cardinals were going to trade for Carson Palmer. hilarious. anyway, Larry Fitz is destined to waste the remaining years of his prime in this godforsaken QB Desert of the Waiting to Die.
8. Buffalo Bills – Geno Smith, QB – West Virginia: Gotcha.
Other possibilities: QB Ryan Nassib, Warmack – Warmack is the obvious pick to replace Adma Levitre – so obvious it’s almost assured the Bills take 3rd round talents Geno Smith or Nassib.
9. New York Jets – Ezekiel Anzah, DE – BYU: Sorry Jets’ fans. You’re stuck with the Combine Hero. This guy can run to the gas station and be back home with a pack of Doublemint in the blink of an eye. But how fast can he cover 8 feet to the Quarterback? Nobody really knows. At least he had 4 sacks at BYU last year.
Other possibilities: Warmack, WR Tavon Austin, Some Class
10. Tennessee Titans – Jonathan Cooper, OG – North Carolina: When Chris Johnson runs into the backs of his linemen this year, these backs will be seriously upgraded. I love Warmack, but people think Cooper is the fit here. I don’t really care. ya know, Titans…
Other possibilities: Warmack, DE Bjoern Werner
Warmack’s primary negative: on scouting reports “Excessive sweating.” seriously.
11. San Diego Chargers – Chance Warmack, OG – Alabama: Run on Gurards! Not a common Rd. 1 occurrence. I thought the beastly Bama line had 2 standouts among the bunch – Warmack and Barrett Jones. This should help bolster the Chargers’ line before the move to LA.
Other possibilities: CB Xavier Rhodes, Norv Turner – Can they quit Norv?
12. Miami Dolphins – Xavier Rhodes, CB – Florida State: The Dolphins also need an OT and could trade up. or down. or merely abstain like the Vikings did a few years back.
Other possibilities: OT DJ Fluker, Austin
**13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Sheldon Richardson, DT – Tennessee: Conventional wisdom says this pick might be traded for Darrelle Revis (Revis Peninsula), but for the sake of argument let’s say Greg Schiano + company holds on to this pick. We could also pretend Schiano isn’t rapidly climbing the list of Biggest NFL Pudwhacks, but that would be a lie. Don’t lie, kids.
Rhodes would be a great pick here, but we have him going to the Dolphins. Richardson is a big man. He will fill a big hole. If the Jets snag this pick, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Austin selected.
Other possibilities: CB Desmond Troufant, Bag of d*cks (sent certified mail to Coach Schiano)
14. Carolina Panthers – Tavon Austin, WR – West Virginia: He may have scored a Lucky ’7′ on the Wonderlic, but count me as a fan. While undersized, Austin’s combination of speed and strength would give the Panthers the perfect weapon for Cam Newton to wildly overthrow in 2013.
Other possibilities: WR Keenan Allen, Troufant – Remember when they drafted Jimmy Clausen? I do. “Jimmy’s under center. Jimmy drops back. Jimmy throws a deep out. Jimmy is pummeled by a linebacker during the interception return.” Man, what an era…
15. New Orleans Saints – Jarvis Jones, OLB – Georgia: My favorite player to watch last year, and GW’s #1 rated prospect. Only freak 14-year old Jadaveon Clowney flashed dominance like Jones last year. He’s dropping because of a neck injury that pretty much every NFL veteran will have to live with following their playing careers. Football players have it so easy! If he gets to the Saints, this will be the steal of the draft. I love you #29.
Other possiblities: None should be considered. Don’t fuck it up.
16. St. Louis Rams – Keenan Allen, WR – California: Remember the Greatest Show On Turf? Yeah, that was a long time ago. Allen will be overdrafted, but should be a productive #2 receiver on a roster of #3 receivers.
Other possibilities: TE Tyler Eifert, WR Tree:
17. Pittsburgh Steelers – Barkevious Mingo, OLB – LSU: This guy has shot up draft boards about 8 spots since I started writing this. He could go top-10 but I’m supposed to adjust the whole thing with all those priceless analytical gems I’ve thrown out there? No. We’re not playing that way. I actually did watch tape on Mingo. Beast. He won’t get past a team that rarely makes mistakes on Draft Day.
Other Possibilities: S Kenny Vaccaro, Eifert: Either of these guys would fill needs, but wouldn’t be surprised if the 49ers moved up to the 12-15 range to snag Vaccaro. In other news, remember this? Hope the guy is alright.
18. Dallas Cowboys – DJ Fluker, LT – Alabama: If there’s an early run on tackles (3 could go in first 4 picks), Fluker probably moves up. The one-time #1 rated high school player is a mammoth with some possible character concerns. But these are the Cowboys. Also, fuck the Cowboys.
Other possibilities: Jerry Jones purchases a Samoan tribe and removes their tattoos with sandpaper because he gets off on that kind of shit.
19. New York Giants – Bjoern Werner, DE – Florida State: Osi Umenyiora is gone and Coughlin needs to have he stable of badass D-Linemen. I’m not sure the Berlin-native fits the bill, but he’s probably the best on the board at the position.
Other possibilities: LB – Alec Ogletree, OT Menelik Watson:
20. Chicago Bears – Alec Ogletree, LB – Georgia: Character concerns may be a ‘red flag’ for some teams. But not Phil Emery’s Bears! Bring ‘em on! Green Flag! Ogletree is an insane athlete at a position of need (with only a couple of arrests!). [GW is a big Bears' Fan and while I like Ogletree, I would love if the Bears could trade down and snag Arthur Brown + a pick]
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Kenny Vaccaro, S – Texas: The Bengals are a weird franchise so this pick might make too much sense for them.
Other possiblities: Watson, DE Datone Jones, A General Manger
22. St. Louis Rams – Tyler Eifert, TE – Notre Dame: I was torn between Eifert and RB Eddie Lacy, but it’s 2013 so I’ll take the impact guy in the passing game. However, Lacy is much more likely to be around at 22 as Eifert is rising like a Notre Dame grad’s opinion of himself after 1.5 cocktails.
Other possibilities: Lacy, WR Cordarrelle Patterson, S Eric Reid
23. Minnesota Vikings – Desmond Trufant, CB – Washington: A young man brimming with confidence will have his spirit broken after playing 6 weeks with the Vikings. This pick addresses one of many needs for a team that must have forget-me-now’d the entire NFL to make the playoffs last year. Seriously, how did that happen? (AP, we know…)
Other possibilities: Patterson, LB Manti Te’o: we’ll get to you soon…
24. Indianapolis Colts – Cordarrelle Patterson, WR – Tennessee: This will fill a need for Colts’ fans. That need is for every team to have a guy who flashes brilliance on occasion, but runs the wrong route resulting in a Pick-6 with 9 minutes left in the 4th Quarter. Enjoy this guy Colts’ fans.
Other possibilites: Lacy, D. Jones: The Colts’ have been a pretty solid drafting team for a while, so they could go a different direction and probably be a lot happier. I wouldn’t be surprised if they picked someone who gave the franchise more cause to pump crowd noise through the Lucas Oil stadium speakers.
25. Minnesota Vikings – Manti Te’o, LB – Notre Dame: In general, the Vikings like 2 things: (1) Adult Men dressed up in Nordic gear, wigs, and purple face paint; (2) Slow players from Notre Dame. Poor Leslie Frasier. Get rid of talented distraction Percy Harvin and give his roster spot to Te’o, who will similarly be a gigantic distraction. And while I wouldn’t necessarily classify him as a certain bust, he’s going to have a hard time making a difference outside of his patented sideline cheering. Also, good luck with pass coverage in a very pass-happy division.
Other possibilities: Not Manti Te’o.
26. Green Bay Packers – Eric Reid, S – LSU: The Packers (and maybe the Steelers) have been the best drafting team in recent history, so while RB Eddie Lacy seems like a logical pick, I’m not sure Ted Thompson sees a guy like Lacy as the best value or biggest need at #26. (Because he’s a RB who’s a suspect pass blocker. And it’s 2013.) Reid hits like a freight train on meth, which is a good thing (fyi).
Other possibilities: Lacy, DT Sylvester Williams:
I think Reid or Williams would be a solid pick here. BJ Raji + that other DT dude are free agents next year, so a hard decision (typical of good-drafting teams) might be a-comin’ for the Pack on the D-Line.
27. Houston Texans – Justin Hunter, WR – Tennessee: Andre Johnson is almost an old man. He’s still pretty great but the Texans need another WR. Or 3.
Other possibilities: Best Player Available, S Matt Elam
28. Denver Broncos - Datone Jones, DE – UCLA: oooh. I would like this pick. I think he’s ideally 5-technique. But I also thought Mike Williams (USC) was going to be a Hall of Fame receiver. So there’s that.
Other possibilities: CB Jamar Taylor, A championship parade postponement: Slow your roll, Broncos fans.
29. New England Patriots – Sylvester Williams, DT – North Carolina: Williams + Wilfork could be trouble for opponents and take some pressure off of a thin secondary.
Other possibilities: Taylor, CB DJ Hayden: Or they could just strengthen the secondary itself, eh buddy?
30. Atlanta Falcons – DJ Hayden, CB Houston: A lot of names on the Falcons’ roster, so it should be Super Bowl or Bust for Mike Smith this year. They are thin on the outside, so take Hayden as the best available according to people who can pick him out of a lineup with his college jersey on. That’s not me…
Other possibilities: Watson, DE Tank Carradine
31. San Francisco – Matt Elam, S Florida: The 49ers have about 27 picks so they are probably the team most likely to trade up in round 1. Safety is clearly the need for this loaded team.
Other possibilities: Trade up to get a better safety, Harbaugh Ball-Gag.
32. Baltimore Ravens – Arthur Brown, LB Kansas State: Let me tell ya about this guy. He has speed. He tackles. He covers. He can conceivably play different LB positions (though prob ILB in 3-4). Bonus: He won’t invoke God when ordering lunch or stopping at a red light like old #52. In other words, he’s not an insufferable Hall of Famer. But expect big things.
Other possibilities: tapped out…
Good luck teams! looking forward to see who will be crowned Super Bowl champions on Monday!
Note: Look at all that Big 10 Talent!
* Jets’ 7 Plagues: Ryan Fatigue, General Manengitis, Butt fumbles, Namath-breath, Tebow, Santonio Holmeslessness, Rich Kotite.
** There has been a trade. I get it. Will ignore.