Archive for the The P.A.S.T.E.Y. Category

The P.A.S.T.E.Y. (v. 4.0)

Posted by Matt on Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Or…Tyer Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

 Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the former UNC hoops star (and recent vertigo-sufferer) who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.

Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY IV goes to:  PEYTON HILLIS

The Cleveland Brown is single-handedly bringing legitimacy back to the white running back.   Though he lacks the red-face of Riggins or the U-Bar face mask of Czonka, he’s a 21st century meathead inflicting white-hot pain on defenders in route to a pretty stellar season. In fact, his insistence on maximizing every collision might necessitate his breakout-season also being his farewell season.

Like many melanin-deficient runners, Hillis has suffered the prejudice of coaches throughout his career. Typecast as a fullback, he spent many years in the “back of the bus” (ironically, the front of the off-set I-formation). Yet after only a couple of weeks, Coach Eric Mangini couldn’t help but notice his palest runner was also his most effective runner. These days, Hillis jerseys are popping up all over Cleveland, as his brute north-south running style keeps it simple for the ‘Dog Pound.’ Woof woof. One can only imagine how many times harder he has had to work compared to the “typical” NFL RB. I would guess 28x’s.

Peyton Hillis, Congratulations!  Keep that dome clear and run like the wind a soft breeze.

Whiteness: Isabelline

“Celebrity” Resemblance: Like Jersey Shore’s Ronnie…but without the fake tan, shamelessness, or insufferable bitchwhore girlfriend.

Quote: ”When I first met Hillis, he shared that his father told him he would need to be the hardest-working player on the field if he wanted to make it. Hillis grew up on a farm and learned the value of hard work, and while his father never gave him anything, he carries this advice with him to this day. We can see it in the way he runs the football…Hillis is a born and raised Arkansas boy, but you would swear he’s from Cleveland. He fits the city perfectly. He’s tough, gritty, blue-collar and doesn’t ask for anything.”  Charles Davis, NFL Network

Darwin-Factor: Cro-Magnificent

We salute you

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All-American Basketball League Calls for All-White, American-Born Teams

Posted by Matt on Thursday, January 21st, 2010

 

Air-bino.

Bounce-Pass, Back Cut, Bounce-Pass, Left-hand lay-up. Showtime!

Move over ladies. There’s a new “WNBA” in town. And it promises to be just as enjoyable.

The All-American Basketball League announced in a news release it hopes to kick off its inaugural season this summer, according to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, with a 12-team lineup composed of all-white, American-born men.

Only players that are natural-born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league,” the statement, issued on Martin Luther King weekend, reportedly read.

Don “Moose” Lewis, described as a Georgia-based boxing and wrestling promoter in a report on BET.com, denied racism was behind his move to create the segregated hoops league.

Of course not. Why do people always equate bigoted nativism to racism?!

“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he told the Augusta Chronicle. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white American-born citizens [sic] are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Pass to the Center. Back to the Guard. Back to the Center. Set Shot. Goal In!!! And the Augusta Hooded Knights have defeated the Birmingham ShitKickers 42-41 in a cross-burner here at George Wallace Stadium.”

Lewis told the paper he defines “fundamental basketball” as different from the “street-ball” played by “people of color,” and claimed recent scandals in professional basketball — such as the gun charges dogging the WizardsGilbert Arenas – have made the creation of all-white teams a necessity.

Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he told the paper. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

To get the stated result, all this guy really needs to do is prohibit the participation of Ron Artest. But instead of having “no-hand-gesture” or “no-dick-touching” rules, he’s just going to restrict access to the league like it’s a country club. Give these Southerners some credit. They’re not hiding in any Racist Closet.

The proposal was swiftly condemned by the mayor of Augusta, one of the 12 Southeastern cities the league is eyeing.

“I could not support in good conscience bringing in a team that did not fit with the spirit of inclusiveness that I, along with many others, have worked so hard to foster in our city,” Deke Copenhaver told the Augusta Chronicle.

I understand that the league already has 12 teams. I assume that includes 10 teams from the South, plus BYU and the current Indiana Pacers.

However, looking into the future – if anyone can get me some financing, I have a pretty stellar vision for an expansion team. Picture this collection of pale NBA journeymen and young honks who couldn’t get to the next level.

Your 2011/2012 Chicago Bloomington-Normal Crackers:

G – Damon Bailey: Indiana’s half-court hero will put people in the seats.

G – Steve Wojciechowski: Obligatory scrappy Pol.

The Schintz-nit

G – Tom Coverdale: Obligatory red-headed chucker.

C – Dwayne Schintzius: Obligatory mullet.

C/F – Evan Eschmeyer: Northwestern legend. 4-inch vertical. 

G/F – Tom Kleinschmidt: Another local boy (older man) makes triumphant return to amateur hoops.

G/F – Sam Jacobson:  Are Jews allowed? We’re going to need a ruling.

C – Aaron Gray: I know he’s “technically” on the Bulls, but he has the time and probably needs to stretch his legs.

G – Bobby Sura : Sorry buddy. I know you’re white, but you’re not “white.” Stop dunking so much. 

G – Gerry McNamara: Now that’s a name for the All-American Basketball Association.  This team will be gunning from downtown!

F – Joe Krabbenhoft:  Another great “American” name. Go Badgers.

F/C – Danny Schayes:  Unfortunately, Schayes was part of a promotional campaign put on by the Anti-Defamation League that depicts him slam dunking and says, “If you really believe in America, prejudice is foul play!” Sorry pal, no dunking, and certainly no promotion of tolerance.

C – Nick Smith: The former Illini player has an Adam’s Apple we can all get behind.

Player/Coach – Larry Krystkowiak: No truly white team is complete without an 80s Jazz or Bucks’ player.  Mark Eaton can assist.

I’m also waiting out Brian Cardinal’s NBA career. Nobody plays whiter. Nobody.

Our uniforms will be transcendent - shirtless with jean shorts. 

Any additional input/scouting is appreciated.  As for league promoter Don Lewis, I’ll give him credit for thinking outside the box. Mr. Lewis, here are some additional ideas you can run with. Free of charge!

Samoan Marathon

All-Blind Dart League

Asian NASCAR

Betty Ford Beer Pong

Yuppie Tractor Pull

mismatched demographic & sporting event, Etcetera.

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The P.A.S.T.E.Y. AWARD (v.3.0)

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

hansbrough2

Would love a porch swing.

Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the former UNC hoops star (and current “lost dog finder”) who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.

Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY III goes to:  LUKE HARANGODY

Notre+Dame+v+Louisville+-Qu_l2XAfTFl

That loose ball is all mine, homey!

2009′s Pre-Season college basketball player of the year has NBA Draft Second Round aficionados drooling.  Harangody is a below-the-rim power forward who led the Fightin’ Irish to a spectacular NIT bid in 2008-09.  The press rewarded Harangody’s gritty leadership of one of last year’s top-96 teams with the premier individual honor of this pre-season.

There’s no doubt his Unitas-esque haircut and red-face helped Luke garner this honor.

Like Hansbrough before him, the faithful fans of Harangody’s team can’t get enough of him.  His fire, passion, and 10-inch vertical thrill Notre Dame fans and ESPN announcers of all types.  The guys may not all want to be him, but the St.Mary’s girls certainly want to sleep with him sans contraception.

Not surprisingly, Notre Dame’s roster is heavy with PASTEY competition.  Most notably, Mississippi State transfer Ben Hansbrough (Tyler’s Brother) will look to get out-PASTEY’ed as the season moves forward.  But on this day, GW is only honoring the under-sized PF with mettle, gritty toughness and librarian-like athleticism.  Luke Harangody: Congrats!

Whiteness:  Blanched, with a tinge of post-game “Santa Cheeks.”

Nicknames:  Gody, G.T. (Gym Teacher)

Quote:  ”The pro guys are wrong. Harangody hasn’t just been a good college player the last three years. He has been an absolutely dominant force while playing for mediocre teams in what is by far the toughest conference in the country.”  Seth Davis, Sports Illustrated.

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THE P.A.S.T.E.Y. AWARD! (v. 2.0)

Posted by Matt on Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

Background:  Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.

Pacer.

Pacer.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY II goes to:

 

WES WELKER!!!

WES WELKER!!!

 

  Hailing from the pastey-friendly state of Oklahoma, this hard-nosed wide receiver catches lots of passes and withstands considerable punishment for the New England Patriots.

 

  Among other great achievements for white wide receivers, Welker is one of only two players in NFL history to ever have converted a field goal, converted an extra point, recorded a tackle, and fielded a punt and kickoff return all in the same game.  If that sounds like an arbitrary distinction to you, kiss my white ass. 

Welker’s game benefits from his perseverance – he was only offered

Snowy.

Snowy.

one scholarship and not drafted when he came out in ’04. It’s possible that playing with one of the NFL’s all-time best QBs may help as well. Anything is possible. Now Wes is often mentioned as among the game’s best receivers.

So Congrats, Wes. This PASTEY is for you.

Whiteness:  Chalk.

Facial Hair:  Amorphous.

Quote:  “After making a first impression so strong he received one of the team’s awards for dedication to the off-season conditioning program, Welker has endeared himself to coach Bill Belichick with a scrappy toughness in the live situations. He has made highlight films with crack-back blocks in the running game. This is how one fits into the Patriots’ culture.” Jarrett Bell, USA Today.

Interview-Style:  Cliche-Driven.

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T.H.E P.A.S.T.E.Y AWARD!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 25th, 2008

Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

Background:  Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.

As Bill Raftery would say, “Watching Tyler Hansbrough listen is special!”

Without further ado, the innagural PASTEY goes to this guy:

TIM TEBOW!!!

TIM TEBOW!!!

An obvious selection! This young, energetic, hard-worker can add THE PASTEY to his already impressive award stash.  The rugged Florida Quarterback delighted many coeds and broadcast personalities when he decided to come back for his Junior season.  In fact, what sticks out about this son of Christian Missionaries isn’t that he became the first player to rush and pass for at least 20 touchdowns in a single season, or even that he heroically led the Gators to a SPECTACULAR 9-4 finish in 2007.  Rather, it’s how tough he is.  Legend has it that Tebow broke his leg in a high school game and managed to play all 4 quarters.  Erin Andrews gets movement downstairs just thinking about it. 

When he’s not winning awards, running up solid numbers, and spreading the gospel, the earnest Tebow is inspiring politicians everywhere.  Alabama’s “Tim Tebow Bill” (HR 334) would require  public schools to allow homeschooled students equal access to SPORTS! and extracurricular activities.   I shit you not.   When powerful Alabamans are not fighting the culture wars of yesteryear, or avoiding a gay cousin, this is what they do at the office.
 
The Home-schooled Heisman winner is already a legend in the state, and though he has often folded in the clutch, he is obviously way better than Chris Leak, who may or may not have led the Gators to the 2006 National Championship.  Congratulations, Tim.  You’re today’s PASTEY.
 
Whiteness: Eggshell
Quote: “Mothers pray their daughters will bring him home for pot roast night. Fathers pray their sons will grow up to be like him. Linebackers pray he won’t connect with that stiffarm.” Andy Staples, Athlon Sports
Favorite Book: Leviticus
Jaw: Distinguished
Future:  Like all recent Gator QBs, he will likely play at one time for Bears. Like all recent Gator QBs, his NFL futility will be legendary.

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