What happens when you combine students from a world-renowned grad school, a few light beers, and a priceless prehistoric artifact? A Matt Damon movie? nope. Awkward sexual innuendos? probably. How about a recipe for some douchenozzles? Absolutely.
Reported in the Sun-Times today, students from Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management attended a party at Chicago’s historic Field Museum. According to the Sun-Times, the business kids…
reportedly got drunk, vomited on the floor, spit at people, passed out and threw things at Sue herself.
Let’s analyze this behavior one aspect at a time:
1. Douchenozzles got drunk: Northwestern Business school. I bet some of the conversations were fascinating.
2. Douchenozzles vomit on the floor of Field Museum: Classy!
3. Douchenozzles spit at people: That’s just Business 101. Spitting at people is a negotiation technique. Spitting at strangers in a museum just says, “Fuck you. I go to one of the nation’s best business schools. Nice fanny-pack.”
4. Douchenozzles threw things at Sue: For those unfamiliar, Sue is neither the class skank, nor is she the annoying girl in the front row of the class who raises her hand all the time. Sue is a truly impressive Tyrannosaurus rex, which the Field Museum purchased for over $8.3 million. Sue is the Field Museum’s prize attraction and the most preserved T-Rex ever discovered. Sue is 67 million years old (or a youthful 5,000 if you’re Sarah Palin). And these drunk nerds are tossing Heineken bottles at the thing? What the hell? Look, I get drunk and stupid just as much as the next guy. Far more often, actually. I could never see myself, or my drunk asshole friends, disrespecting this truly historic treasure. I’d even be more inclined to piss into the dolphin tank at the Shedd Aquarium. A little urine won’t faze Flipper.
Anyway, I’m sure all the kids attending the party weren’t douchenozzles. I mean, these are the leaders of tomorrow. In an e-mail reprimand to her fellow students, Andrea Hanson, a vice president of the Kellogg Student Association, called the Sept. 26 party “an embarrassment.”
She described how drunken students — “already too overserved” — forced the Field Museum to shut down the open bar to try to calm the situation.
Rowdy business students, closed bar, a turbulent economy? The Field Museum is lucky no one was hurt.
According to Hanson (she sounds like a lot of fun), students smuggled in alcohol — filling trash cans with empty bottles — and some students “passed out in high-traffic areas.”
Just another night on the town! It would have been fitting if a projectile would’ve dislodged a vertebrae causing Sue’s mandible to dis-attach and crush one of the douchenozzle’s legs. Too harsh? Ok. I see it.
One thing you can say about these Kellogg students, they may be on the way to high 6-figures in the near-future, but they sure can’t handle their booze. Hey Douchenozzles! Show some respect.