The Southeast Division
Believe it or not, this division does exist. While there is a fair amount of young talent, very few fans care. Those people that do arrive to half-fill the stadiums are usually on their phones checking the latest college hoops scores, NASCAR info, and strip club specials.
ORDER OF FINISH
ORLANDO: This team should repeat. Dwight Howard will continue to be a freak. JJ Reddick will continue to add to Duke’s legacy of atrocious NBA Guards who are defensive liabilities. The “Van Gundy Effect” should get them to round 2 of the playoffs.
MIAMI: The Heat are possibly the most hyped team to end the previous season 52 games under .500 (which still almost gets you an 8-seed in the East). The Heat do have DWade, Shawn Marrion, and Michael Beasley, a rookie who will likely show flashes of brilliance before getting suspended on the eve of game 7 of the Eastern Conference semis for smoking weed in a Dairy Queen while waiting for an Oreo-Blizzard and wearing a fedora.
ATLANTA: Josh Smith jumps. Mike Bibby passes. Al Horford rebounds. Joe Johnson scores. The city of
Atlanta yawns. The Hawks have some serious young talent, but maybe they need to add a Michael Vick-type character in order to capture the attention of the 112 Hawks fans.
CHARLOTTE: Larry Brown arrives on his quest to coach for every NBA team. I predict OK. City is next. Maybe 6 months. The big question is whether Larry and his team of small forwards can get to the playoffs. Adam Morrison? you can go ahead any time now.
WASHINGTON: After playing an admirable 13 games last year, franchise-player Gilbert Arenas will get time to rest at the start of this season after a summer knee surgery. Brendon Haywood? I never liked you. You suck. Sorry about the broken leg, though. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone – even you.
NBA Superstar Superlatives-Southeast Division
Most likely to find a bag of flaming shit on his doorstep: Alexis Ajinca, Charlotte: This Afrique-Frenchman takes his rail-thin body, aloof attitude, and finesse game to the southeast, where they love all those things.
Obscure Signature move: Mickael Pietrus, Orlando: The “Monorail” – Pietrus has a hard time executing his patented move of dribbling straight down the length of the court without wavering, and executing a one-hand layup at the front of the rim. But when it does happen, central Florida can hear the polite clapping all the way at the Epcot Center recreation, located on the main concourse of the Magic’s “Amway Arena.”
Best Cook: Antonio Daniels, Washington: Something tells me he cooks a mean chili. Spiciness? Hot. Heartiness? You bet. Flavor? Quite pleasant.