Gratuitous World Cup

The World’s greatest sporting event has it all:  Scoreless Ties, Constant Flopping, Incessant Horns. Back and forth, round and round…for hours. It’s like NASCAR, but with more fan deaths and nativism.

Every 4 years, this event comes around, each time interpreted by some idiot fans as a sort of battle for world supremacy. Nothing like an over-hyped soccer event to make me find common ground with Glenn Beck.  Can’t we settle all these arguments in a simpler manner?

We can find 2010′s greatest country without having to watch 2 hours of not scoring. To keep it simple, I’ve picked one thing to represent each participant. Pick your favorite in the poll (here). 2 will advance from each Group. I believe this event goes on until November, so we have plenty of time.  We’ll start with Group A…

GROUP A

1. France: Rich with history and culture, France tries hard to be a prolific global influence, while often concurrently being a pain in ass.  That aside, the case for France can be made by pointing to  Élysée Palace, and Carla Bruni, the world’s most smokin’ first lady. While other first wives/queens, such as Syria’s Asma al-Assad, look great patrolling the world’s most exclusive dinner parties, Bruni is something else.  As a young model and aspiring musician, she was imported from Italy to various places in order service the needs of aging rocks stars such as Mick Jagger. In 2008, she married French President Nicolas Sarkozy, an incredible coup for a country who many think has seen its glory days.

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2. Mexico: Like France, Mexico has a storied history,and rich culture. Specifically, Mexican cuisine is hard to top. While I enjoy burritos, enchiladas, tamales, mole dishes, serrano peppers etc., it’s the ubiquitous Taco representing Mexico in the Gratuitous World Cup.  Tacos are versatile, and can be the canvas for pretty much any ingredient you wish to project.  Personally, a solid fish taco is one of the tastiest meals around. Maybe I’m just a simple man. Or maybe tacos are just that good. Viva Mexico!

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3. South Africa: South Africa does not have quite the same cultural history of France or Mexico. In fact, the Far Right government was able to maintain much of Apartheid’s legacy by trading racist policy for Libertarian policy sometime in the early 1990s. Combine that with AIDS-deniers like former president Thabo Mbeki, and the World Cup visitors will still get to see miles and miles of impoverished tenement communities. RSA! RSA!  Alas, it ain’t all bad.  Cape Town is truly one of the world’s coolest cities and South Africa has some fairly varied ecosystems. You know what they have ? Penguins! And while the cute smelly waddlers may not be the most representative creature of the country, it’s pretty amazing they have maintained on the bottom coast of a damn hot continent. The species “native” to Southern Africa is the Jackass Penguin, which would also be an appropriate mascot for most soccer hooligans.

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4. Uruguay: Uruguay is a fairly unique South American country in that its comprised almost exclusively of people with varied European descents.  An agriculture-driven country, in 2007, it became the first Latin American country to legalize same-sex and different-sex civil unions at a national level. Thus, it may be no surprise that Uruguay is regarded by some as the most secular country in the Americas. Secularism is part of Uruguay’s fabric, and while 66% of the country identify themselves as Catholics, church and state remain separate while Religious freedom is guaranteed. Uruguay has one of the highest ‘qualities of life’ in South America.

Vote here and stay tuned for Group B.