Dear Ms. Fox:
Good day. I hope this patronizing note finds you well. I’ve seen you in many movie previews while watching sports on television. Apparently, people are enamored with your vacant eyes, rigid mannequin-mold body, and great taste in movie roles. You also have tattoos!
Call me a hater. Call me jaded. But I just don’t get it. Where did you come from? Are you a Replicant? Is Blade Runner real? How about The Fugitive? Did Dr. Charles Nichols really switch the samples so that RDU-90 could be approved and Devlin McGregor could give us Provasic!?! I thought so.
From Bad Boys II to Transformers to Transformers XIV, you’ve distinguished yourself among chronic masturbaters. I also read that producers cut down your dialogue, but you have a great physical presence on-screen. Like Buster Keaton!
So now you went and married David Silver. Good for you! Personally, I think it’s a perfect match. You think you’re a serious actress. BAG thought he was a serious rapper. Jackpot!
From pretty much all accounts, BAG is a tremendous asshat. But asshats can be people too. Also, A Friend’s Betrayal (1996) is one of the best Lifetime movies ever produced (along with the one starring pre-nose-job Calista Flockhart as a crazy bulimic). Someday you might be able to add something respectable to your IMDB page. I don’t think Jonah Hex is gonna cut it.
Anyway, I just want to get to know you better. I’m sure we could really connect through mouth-breathing and blinking. Think about it! Switch it up!