Sorority Is Totally Awesome Real-Life Stereotype

Cornell’s Pi Phi Sorority put out 7 pages of dress code for their rush events. Before you judge, please realize: They’re all best friends.

On Clothes

— Denim leggings are appropriate as long as it’s done right: aka, not from American Apparel and worn with chic, cool, chunky boots over them and a longer top. NO camel toe!

— No satin dresses. No one looks good in satin dresses unless it’s from Betsey Johnson or Dolce & Gabbana, you weigh less than 130 pounds, have three pairs of Spanx on and it’s New Years Eve.

— No Frumpy.

“No frumpy?” This is upstate New York and I’m an agricultural science major on scholarship. Damn it.

On Shoes

— Yes to nice flats: Tory Burch, etc. More evening-ish, understated, patent leather good. I’m thinking mid-height Mary Jane heels, or mid-height chunky Kate Spade.

— Booties ok if you can pull them off, aka probably not.

I’m looking in your direction, Michelle. Ugly bitch.

On Jewelry

— I expect everyone to be wearing accessories. This is an important part of every outfit and can make or break any ensemble.

— Bangles need to coordinate. I’m not saying you have to wear a Harry Winston wreath, but I am saying I won’t tolerate any gross plastic shizzzz. I love things on wrists and I demand earrings if your ears are pierced.

What’s going on in that last one? I was all set to let you tell me how to dress. You had me. Then you lost me.

This site only released the dress code requirements. The following are some behavioral requirements necessary to accentuate that frigid bitch feel you want in a sorority.

• When kissing ‘hello,’ do not make contact with your lips. Kiss the air only. We’re not an ‘ethnic’ sorority.
• Wax your vag. Even though this body part won’t show, it always great to start a conversation with something like, “OMG, that fucking Asian lady almost ripped my clit off. Do not go to that place on Fall Creek Ave.” Candidate A will likely answer, “Oh, where should I go to get a wax and the occasional anal brightening?” Presto! There’s a conversation!
• Don’t even think about smiling unless it’s for a camera. That’s a huge turnoff. You’re not Mormon, are you?
• If you’ve vomited more than once on the day of the event, it’s mandatory you carry mints. Strong peppermint preferred.
• Talking about math and science classes is strongly discouraged. I know this is the Ivy League, but we’re in f’ing Pi Phi.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when the Cornell PiPhi Board of Directors gathers to determine who’s lucky enough to be invited into this bastion of individual acceptance. Something tells me they have incisively personal and cruel nicknames for all the candidates.

I’m not sure about Anorexic, but I really like what Sex Tape brought to the table. Although, I’m pretty sure she fucked Daddy Issues’ ex-boyfriend, so that’s something we’re going to have to deal with. I think we all agree about Botched Nose Job. Out. Chinese Finger Trap has a lot of baggage, but she does get along well with the lacrosse team. I kind of like Laxatives over there.  Don’t even get me started on BitchWhore, but I guess she is close with Zoloft, so we might have to find a spot for her.

Rush on.