Posts Tagged alabama

Gratuitous Balls! 2010 College Football Preview

Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 26th, 2010

You’ve come to the 2nd Annual GW College Football Preview. I love CFB because it truly brings out some of the worst and most bizarre behavior in people. You really find out where people stand – like when your 50-year-old bachelor uncle paints his chest to support a school he never attended.  It’s like politics – but with a ball and fewer idiots (indeed). Last season’s preview can be found here. Enjoy.

‘Hot’ Discount

1. OREGON: GW is stepping out here. Former Ducks’ QB, 3-Strike Candidate and Heisman hopeful Jeremiah Masoli was kicked off the team and has perp-walked his way to Ole Miss. He may still get a Heisman, it will just have to be at Mississippi, or through a window at the Nokia Theatre Times Square.  However, if healthy, Nate Costa is an adequate back-up and is surrounded with a lot of weapons and a great O-Line. Their LB unit is also top-notch. With USC down, I see a window open for the Ducks to run the table (though I wouldn’t necessarily consider the Pac-10 “weak”).  They are a bona fide top-5 squad who will keep it interesting for both the Oregon fans and the Eugene Police Department.

2. BOISE STATE: This team pisses me off. They’ve built up enough street cred by kicking the shit out of their little sisters that they’re now considered on par with BCS teams who have to play in competitive conferences. Like Reagan turning ‘victory’ in Grenada into intense popular support, Boise State trumpets their 253-2 (or whatever) conference record as if they’re playing in the SEC.  If they can get past Va Tech opening weekend, they might be able to write their championship game ticket. It must be nice to play 3 challenging games a year. Fuck Idaho.

3.  ALABAMA: They lost some serious monsters on Defense, but this will be offset by the sheer power of the increased obnoxiousness set to emanate from the fans of the reigning NCAA champions. Dear God, you can already taste it. Fewer teeth means fewer impediments to block their cringe-worthy, unintelligible yokel screams.

4.  WISCONSIN: The Badgers are loaded on Offense.  Many of the Badger Faithful are loaded with cheese curds. Watch the seismic readings in the Great Lakes’ Region after 3rd Quarters at Camp Randall this season.

5.  OHIO STATE: On paper, Alabama and Ohio State are probably the best 2 teams in the nation. On illegibly written paper, they also have the 2 most townie-heavy fan bases. That aside, I just don’t think the schedule works out for them.  They’ll both end up with one loss, allowing BS(u) to back-door (literally and figuratively) both Alabama and OSU. The Buckeyes should have a punishing offense, making it a co-favorite in a very strong Big 10 .

6.  NEBRASKA: They lost the Nation’s best player in Ndamukong Suh, but remain loaded all over the field. They might end their stay in the Big XII with a conference title, and then leave the next morning like the cheap whores they are.

7. MIAMI: The ‘Canes are back, but their schedule is kickin.’  I believe it goes something like @ Ohio State, @ Pitt, Colts, Va. Tech, @ Vikings (Monday Night), v. Federal Maximum Security All-Stars (Neutral).

8.  TEXAS: After being thrown to the wolves 5 plays into the BCS title game, I thought back-up QB Garett Gilbert performed relatively well. He won’t be a problem, but it’s still difficult to replace Colt McCoy, the greatest name in football – until this guy.

9. FLORIDA: Debauchery will reign once again in Gainesville. Tim Tebow of Nazareth has left to back up the amazing Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn. Now many formerly inspired and hopeful co-eds are free to do with their intact hymens what they’re supposed to do – lose them at a frat “foam party” to a blacked-out, 6th-year Senior. By the way, the Gators will be fine and Urban Meyer is still an ego-maniacal douchebag.

10. IOWA: Adrian Clayborn is the best Defensive player in the nation. However, I’m worried about a very inexperienced O-Line protecting and an interception-prone QB.  Maybe Rick Santorum can call in a favor from the Big Homophobe Upstairs in exchange for some Iowa W’s and additional 2012 Caucus points.

ridden’

11. OKLAHOMA: QB Landry Jones should be in the running for 1st team All-Big XII. And judging by that mustache, he might be a front-runner to compete for the all-date rape team.

12. TCU: This is another mid-major team that is earning the respect of the masses. H/w, at least the WAC has some legit competition. However, this team has always bothered me, mostly because of their fans, whose over-smiley faces remind me of the characters in Soundgarden’s ”Black Hole Sun” Video.  Of course, if the “Texas Christians” lose, that means the terrorists have won. Look for the Terrorists to take on ACC#3 in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl.

13. VIRGINIA TECH: Virginia Tech might be done carrying the ACC for a while. Virginia Tech’s ranking in the 2011 edition of US News & World Report’s Best Colleges is 69 – which is ironically not allowed in on-campus housing.

14. PITT: Wanny Wanny, Ohhhh baby, New Years’ Bowl!

15. OREGON STATE: What’s up with the rampant criminal behavior in the state of Oregon’s football programs? This is the best arrest of the off-season.

An Oregon State University football player has been dismissed from the team following an arrest early Sunday morning.  Tyler Patrick Thomas, 19, of Kalispell, Mont., was arrested on charges of first-degree criminal trespass, second-degree criminal mischief and resisting arrest.

According to information from the Corvallis Police Department, at about 4:51 a.m., police were called to 519 N.W. 14th Street after a 32-year-old woman reported there was a naked man in the upstairs office of her residence. When officers arrived, they ordered him to get on the ground several times, but he refused.

Then Thomas, who had reportedly been drinking, got into a “three-point stance” and lunged at the officers, who Tased him. Thomas was booked into Benton County Jail but was released later the same day.  Thomas, an offensive lineman, redshirted the 2009 season for the Beavers.

16. NORTH CAROLINA: Butch Davis has brought a talented squad and possible sanctions back to UNC. Welcome back to big time college football.

"Mrs. Jo Pa? No?"

17. PENN STATE: Years ago, I was dangerously over-served while attending a Penn St. @ Illinois night game. We were sitting in the PSU section. I was later told I repeatedly yelled, “Joe Pa, I had sex with your wife!” While certainly disrespectful, it would’ve also been pretty gross if it was true.  I apologize.

18.  ARKANSAS: On 8/14, Hog Sports Radio Reporter Renee Gork asked Petrino a routine question. Petrino responded to the question, but ended by saying, “And that will be the last question I answer with that hat on.”  You see, Gork was wearing a “gasp” Florida Gators’ hat. Predictably, this instigated an overreaction only suitable for SEC Country, and Arkansas in particular. The hayseeds called Gork with death threats, and Gork’s employment was subsequently terminated. All for wearing a different school’s hat.

Now I don’t primarily blame Petrino for Gork losing her job. He will never be joined on a probably deserved “Wrongful Termination” suit, if she chooses that avenue. However, Petrino’s indignant and childish refusal to answer questions from Gork certainly rings a little hollow. On July 13, 2006, Petrino signed a 10-year, $25.6 million contract to keep his Louisville cap on as their head coach. 6 months later, he was apparently sick of his Louisville hat and left for a  $24 million/5 year deal with the Atlanta Falcons. Less than a year later, Petrino quits DURING his first NFL Regular Season, tossing the Falcons hat aside, and takes his carpetbagging-ass to Arkansas, where he apparently learned the virtues of loyalty and hat-wearing conformity.

QB Ryan Mallett is NFL-ready, but if you’re looking for (another) insufferable SEC Coach to root against, Petrino is right there for you.

19. USC: The pompous and insufferable USC athletic program replaces the pompous and insufferable Pete Carroll with the pompous and insufferable Lane Kiffin. Kiffin will end up clearing 7-figures, which is slightly more than his star players will receive.

20. CINCINNATI: Brian Kelly has left, allowing me to not hate Notre Dame once again. In his place, Butch Jones should still be able to put together enough pieces to make some hay in the Big East.

Now go get way-over-the-top excited for the athletic adventures of some 18-23 year old college kids!

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Another One: The Rick Barber Edition

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

I can’t wait for the Emmys’ new “Most Unhinged Alabama Primary Commercial” category. In addition to this one and this one, Rick Barber comes through with perhaps the most deranged ad of the season. Yay!

Yes, that’s Rick Barber comparing our current tax rates (lowest since 1950) to human bondage. He also throws in a couple Holocaust images and pisses on the corpse of Abe Lincoln in order to pander with crazed candor. Then, for some reason there’s an alcoholic-looking hilljack with a lilting choir boy voice mashing the Star Spangled Banner with some moonshine-inspired lingo. Odd.

So disturbing is this creep, that Ruth Marcus felt compelled to scribble an entire editorial about this teabagger.

Images flash by: African slaves. North Korean prisoners. Concentration camps. “We shed a lot of blood to stop that in the past, didn’t we?” asks Barber, a Marine Corps veteran. “Now look at us. We are all becoming slaves to our government.”  [...]

The taxes over which Barber is ready to revolt are the product of a democratic system, approved by a majority of elected lawmakers — the system that could produce a Congressman Barber if he somehow wins the runoff against Montgomery councilwoman Martha Roby to face incumbent, first-term Democrat Bobby Bright, who won in 2008 by just 1,766 votes.

That’s a point seemingly lost on the Right these days. As much as I hated nearly every day of the Bush presidency, I don’t remember overt or coded language inciting armed revolution, particularly from Democratic party leaders. Did I want a revolution after the Iraq invasion? Or after Cheney exempted oil & gas companies from the Clean Water Act? Or after the CIA tortured innocent people? On and on and on…? Of course not. What kind of American has so little respect for or Democratic institutions and representative democracy that he bails over disagreement in policy? Well, after the last 18 months of observation, I’m pretty sure that person tends to be an asshole hiding behind a flag and vague taglines involving the word ‘freedom.’ Someone like Rick Barber.

When I spoke by phone with Barber, he was affably extreme, calling “most of our major departments” — he mentioned Education and Energy — unconstitutional and suggesting that Social Security is as well because it is not among Congress’s enumerated powers. “I don’t believe that it’s the government’s job to provide retirement for the nation,” he said.

As to the video, Barber was unapologetic. “We can’t be so naive to think that just because we live in America that can’t happen to us,” he said. “We are being fed a socialist agenda spoon by spoon, and we don’t see it coming. In Germany, when Hitler was first elected under the Socialist Party, no one would have thought in a million years it would have gone where it did.”

I would not have thought in a million years that this kind of thinking would be inside the conservative mainstream. If it is not, it is time for rational conservatives to speak up.

And there it is. We’ve got Hitler! Rick Barber – you win today’s edition of Crazy Time Alabama Primary Ads.

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Hey Candyass – Listen Up And Vote For Me!

Posted by Matt on Monday, May 17th, 2010

I can’t get enough of Alabama’s GOP Primary. Check out this ad from Dale Peterson, who is running for Agriculture Cowboy, or something.

He is not happy. He does not like most things, including immigrants, Facebook, and speaking in a reassuring tone. And all you sucker Alabama residents better punch his number before he shoots you in the face or shatters your ear drums with his crazed fury.

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NO!!! I’m More Stereotypically Ignorant!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, May 13th, 2010

The GOP Primary for Alabama Governor has been an a hilarious exercise in pandering between some good ‘ol homespun culture warriors. First there was candidate Tim James’ awesome ad appealing to the Alabamans who are terrified of pressing “1″ for English. 

“Why do our politicians make us give driver’s licenses in twelve languages?” GOP candidate Tim James asks, accompanied by a soft piano soundtrack.  “This is Alabama; we speak English,” James says. “If you want to live here, learn it.”"We’re only giving that test in English when I’m governor,” he adds.”Maybe it’s the businessman in me, and it makes sense. Does it to you?” 

THEY TOOK ‘UR JOBS! I recently returned from a roadtrip through the Deep South. To designate the language as “English” is questionable.  Ain’t that rite to git wit, y’all? 

Anyway, after getting past the clichéd + expected nativism, another challenge presented itself:  Who Can Be The Biggest Science Denier?! 

In Alabama, a state PAC recently went on the air with an ad attacking candidate Bradley Byrne for supporting the teaching of evolution in schools and for saying that parts of the Bible aren’t true. 

 

Well, nobody is going to out-Jesus Bradley Byrne without a fight. He immediately issued a press release clarifying he fucking hates science and loves white Jesus and all the schizophrenic Biblical scribblers:

“As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God,” Byrne wrote. “As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.” 

He went on: “I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that every single word of it is true … My faith is at the center of my life and my belief in Jesus Christ as my personal savior and Lord guides my every action.” 

Well, good for you. Who wants to learn about science in science class anyway? 

Ultimately, this says more about Alabama Republicans than the actual candidates. All politicians pander to get elected. The people of Alabama have spoken: They’re cool with awful public schools and ignorant children as long as Charlie Darwin can be hung in effigy on every New Moon.  Good luck to all, and thank you for your hilarious predictability.

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I Me Mine

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

No whores for oil

Many Southern GOP politicians’ place great political importance on railing against the federal government. Talking points like ‘states’ rights,’  ’small government,’ and ‘get off my lawn,’ fall from their mouths like biscuit crumbs from Haley Barbour’s puffy jowls. This is of course, ‘Do as I say…’ rhetoric, because when the slick hits the fan, they need that public titty.  As Dana Milbank writes…

About 10:30 Monday morning, Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), an ardent foe of big government, posted a blog item on his campaign Web site about the huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “I strongly believe BP is spread too thin,” he wrote.

He thinks it would be a better arrangement if “federal and state officials” would do the dirty work of “protecting and cleaning up the coast” instead of BP.

This is, of course, “Diaper” David Vitter. The man who fights against pretty much every environmental regulatory effort that comes before the Senate.

About an hour later came word from the Pentagon that Alabama, Florida and Mississippi — all three governed by men who once considered themselves limited-government conservatives — want the federal government to mobilize (at taxpayer expense, of course) more National Guard troops to aid in the cleanup.

Aren’t they worried about the “clean-up gestapo?”

That followed an earlier request by the small-government governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal (R), who issued a statement saying he had called the Obama administration “to outline the state’s needs” and to ask “for additional resources.” Said Jindal: “These resources are critical.”

Bobby, do you remember your sad sad response to last year’s S.O.T.U.?

“There is a lesson in this experience: The strength of America is not found in our government. It is found in the compassionate hearts and the enterprising spirit of our citizens. We are grateful for the support we have received from across the nation for the ongoing recovery efforts. This spirit got Louisiana through the hurricanes and this spirit will get our nation through the storms we face today.”

I’m sure your constituents appreciate your foresight in sponsoring the (defeated) Deep Ocean Energy Resources Act of 2006?  Maybe instead of passing the buck to the federal government while simultaneously asking for federal bucks,  you can harness the amorphous cajun spirit of LA residents to stop the current oil leak.

About the time that Alabama, Florida and Mississippi were asking for more federal help, three small-government Republican senators, Richard Shelby and Jeff Sessions of Alabama and George LeMieux of Florida, were flying over the gulf on a U.S. government aircraft with small-government Republican Rep. Jeff Miller (Fla.).

Gotta say ‘what’s up’ to my cracker Slick Rick!  Alright, continue…

“We’re here to send the message that we’re going to do everything we can from a federal level to mitigate this,” Sessions said after the flight, “to protect the people and make sure when people are damaged that they’re made whole.”

Sessions, probably the Senate’s most ardent supporter of tort reform, found himself extolling the virtues of litigation — against BP. “They’re not limited in liability on damage, so if you’ve suffered a damage, they are the responsible party,” said Sessions, sounding very much like the trial lawyers he usually maligns.

All these limited-government guys expressed their belief that the British oil company would ultimately cover all the costs of the cleanup. “They’re not too big to fail,” Sessions said. “If they can’t pay and they’ve given it everything they’ve got, then they should cease to exist.” But if you believe that the federal government won’t be on the hook for a major part of the costs, perhaps you’d like to buy a leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.

It may have taken an ecological disaster, but the gulf-state conservatives’ newfound respect for the powers and purse of the federal government is a timely reminder for them. As conservatives in Washington complain about excessive federal spending, the ones who would suffer the most from spending cuts are their own constituents.

There’s nothing wrong with requesting federal assistance in a time of emergency. Dealing with emergenices should be a central part of the federal government’s role. And on a larger scale, it shouldn’t be a black+white choice between Big Government and Impotent Government. It should always be about common-sense, Effective  Government. But do you think these Good ‘Ol Boys will quit the government-hate rhetoric, especially with democrats currently in charge? Despite the clear benefits these thankless hacks enjoy on behalf of the federal government (and you + me), I would doubt it…

An analysis of data from the nonpartisan Tax Foundation by Washington Post database specialist Dan Keating found that people in states that voted Republican were by far the biggest beneficiaries of federal spending. In states that voted strongly Republican, people received an average of $1.50 back from the federal government for every dollar they paid in federal taxes. In moderately Republican states, the amount was $1.19. In moderately Democratic states, people received on average of 99 cents in federal funds for each dollar they paid in taxes. In strongly Democratic states, people got back just 86 cents on the tax dollar.

An accurate motto for the Southern States’ GOP?  Take, take, bitch.

If Sessions and Shelby succeed in shrinking government, their constituents in Alabama will be some of the biggest losers: They get $1.66 in federal benefits for every $1 they pay in taxes. If Louisiana’s Vitter succeeds in shrinking government, his constituents will lose some of the $1.78 in federal benefits they receive for every dollar in taxes they pay. In Mississippi, it’s $2.02.

That may explain why, as the oil slick hits the Gulf Coast, lawmakers from the region are willing to swallow their limited-government principles as they dangle federal aid before their constituents. Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Miss.) said he would “make sure the federal government is poised to assist in every way necessary.” His colleague Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) said he is making sure “the federal government is doing all it can” — even as he added his hope that “industry” would pay.

President Obama tried to remind the government-is-the-enemy crowd of this situation in a speech on Saturday. “Government is the police officers who are protecting our communities, and the servicemen and -women who are defending us abroad,” he said. “Government is the roads you drove in on and the speed limits that kept you safe. Government is what ensures that mines adhere to safety standards and that oil spills are cleaned up by the companies that caused them.”

But I thought government only stifles the benevolence of the deserving plutocrats?

For the moment, some of the conservatives have new appreciation for governmental powers. “We’re going to have the oil industry folks, the BP folks, in front of us on the Commerce Committee,” Florida’s LeMieux vowed in the news conference Monday. “We’re going to talk about these drilling issues.”

But not before the taxpayer sends some more big-government money down to the small-government politicians of the gulf.

Government always sucks when it’s time to pander to the party base and scare up some campaign cash. Regulatory efforts? Fuck that. Just an excuse to let government interfere with the all-mighty whore we call the “market,” and those purely American freedom-loving-tax-evading Multi-National Big Businesses.

But right now? Get some.

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America Loves Lists! – Worst Sports-Related Baby Names

Posted by Matt on Thursday, April 1st, 2010

i say i say boy

Inspired by the story of these clowns, GW breaks down a recent trend:  

5. Crimson Tide Redd (boy):     

The young couple made an agreement before their son’s birth that J.L. could be in charge of naming the baby, wanting to use his last name, Redd, as inspiration.    

“His family was extremely excited (about the name choice),” Jackie said.  ”Her family couldn’t understand why we’d name our child after a football team,” J.L. said.   

 Football team? Grandpa Redd is a huge Hackman fan. 

 4. Tré Rivers Kemerer (boy): Three Rivers Stadium was the former home of the Pittsburgh Steelers. French it up a bit and slap it on a helpless newborn. Presto. You just named your child after a building demolished in 2001.  

 3. All Cubs’ Related Names: The worst part about being a Cubs’ fan is other Cubs’ fans. Cases in point, these spawn of Cubs’ faithful:    

  • ADDISON Dynek (boy, 1988) - Addison Street, which borders Wrigley to the South.  Middle name Buck.
  • CLARK Dynek (boy) - Clark Street borders Wrigley to the West. 
  • SHEFFIELD Dynek (boy) – Sheffield Avenue borders Wrigley on the East.
  • GRACE WAVELAND Dynek (girl) – They thought this would be their last child, so they used two street names.  Waveland Avenue borders Wrigley to the North.  And there’s an old convent on Grace Street (one block North of Waveland) where the couple would park before games.  
  • IVY Marie WRIGLEY Dynek (girl, 1997) – Named for the Ivy on the outfield wall and Wrigley Field itself.  
  • For many reasons, it’s good this family stopped procreating. Looks like they were really reaching for the last coupl enames. I wouldn’t want to saddle any poor youngster with the label “Trough Splashback Dynek,” or ”Cell-Phone Douchebag Dynek.” Poor little buddies. 

    Soriano, huh? Well they’ll still be paying him during your awkward teen years.

      2. Chevy Dale Karr (boy):   

    PLANT CITY - Roger Karr Jr.’s first wheels were a Chevy El Camino. In fact, he’s driven nothing but Chevys ever since.  So it seemed only fitting that he named his first-born son after his favorite brand of car, with the name of his favorite NASCAR driver — Dale Earnhardt Jr. — thrown in for good measure.  

    Dale Sr. is the most revered and iconic NASCAR driver of all-time. Why? Because he was (a) very successful & (b) incredibly reckless. Not surprisingly, the idiot died in a horrendous accident. I hope all our Palm City, Florida readers are especially careful in about 15 years, when Chevy Dale Karr gets his first Camaro.   

    1. ESPN Montana Real (boy?): And we end where we started – in the Deep South.   

    BILOXI, Miss. – Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he’d get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.   

    ESPN?  Are you kidding? This isn’t even anything associated with a team or player. It’s a tv cable channel.  In fairness, I’ve always wanted to name my 1st born son “VH-Juan Carlos.” Tragically, I would never trust a woman who would agree to that.

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    Senator Does Something

    Posted by Matt on Sunday, February 7th, 2010

    This poor child just wants his stuff!

    Alabama Republican Sen. Richard Shelby has placed a unilateral hold on all of President Barack Obama’s executive branch nominees in an apparent protest over home state concerns.

    Shelby is frustrated over the Pentagon’s bidding process for air-to-air refueling tankers, which could lead to the creation of jobs in Mobile, Ala. And spokesman Jonathan Graffeo said in a statement the senator is also “deeply concerned” that the administration “will not release” funds already appropriated for a Terrorist Explosive Device Analytical Center to be built in Alabama.

    “If this administration were as worried about hunting down terrorists as it is about the confirmation of low-level political nominations, America would be a safer place,” Graffeo said.

    Shelby’s hold doesn’t block the Obama nominees entirely, but it makes it impossible for Democrats to clear them without at least some Republican help. With Shelby’s hold in place, Democrats will need to cobble together 60 votes for a cloture motion on each nominee. And with Republican Sen. Scott Brown’s swearing-in Thursday night, the Democrats no longer have 60 votes on their own.

    Shelby has informed Reid that he would block all nominees on the Senate’s executive calendar, which amounts to more than 70 of the president’s choices.

    Sen. Shelby: Senator, Patriot, Dick.

    What’s an earmark? Well kids, an earmark is a legislative provision that directs approved funds to be spent on specific projects or that directs specific exemptions from taxes or mandated fees. For instance, in 2009, Senator Richard C. Shelby sponsored or co-sponsored 160 earmarks totalling $322,378,750 in fiscal year 2009 ranking 9th out of 100 senators. He’s clearly working it.

    At the White House Friday, press secretary Robert Gibbs said Shelby’s hold is a perfect example of “what’s wrong” with Washington, calling it “the poster child” for “how this town works.”

    “It boggles the mind to hold up qualified nominees for positions that are needed because he didn’t get two earmarks,” Gibbs said.

    Graffeo said Shelby “has made the administration aware” of his concerns and “is willing to discuss them at any time.”

    A healthy democracy has vocal opposition. However, criticizing a man’s job performance while simultaneously hamstringing his ability to do the job is not really in that spirit. Ladies + Gentlemen, Senator Richard Shelby.

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    The Crimson Cried

    Posted by Matt on Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

    Having trouble determining a rooting interest for tomorrow night’s BCS Championship Game? Well, if Alabama head coach and arrogant carpetbagger Nick Saban doesn’t make you want to throw on some burnt orange apparel, this might: [via deadspin]

    Tomorrow night’s forecast for Birmingham, Alabama, calls for freezing temperatures and snow, possibly mixed with rain. It’s a Southern TV meteorologist’s wet dream. Which is why everyone is preemptively pissed at them for interrupting the BCS Championship with storm updates.

    Sounds like some pretty bad weather. Maybe they’ll have to cancel classes at University of Alabama, located in nearby Tuscaloosa.  What’s that? The public university already cancelled 3 days of classes for a 3 hour sporting event? Excellent. I guess when your institution is ranked between SUNY-Stony Brook and UC-Riverside, you’ve earned a post-Christmas-break break. Anyway…

    Keep in mind, these break-in weather updates have not actually taken place yet…but [esteemed local journalist] Paul Finebaum, scared the bejezzus out of everyone by convincing them that the game interruptions would definitely happen and allegedly called ABC weatherman James Spann a “fraud.”

    Yet, the station was besieged with “personal, nasty threats” for not yet doing something that they never said they would do in the first place. The station has been forced to repeatedly promise that they won’t steal one second of precious football from the locals’ picture boxes.

    Bah' Finebaum!

    Look, all America can agree that the job of weatherman is easily mocked (Keep fuckin’ that chicken!). And while I understand that in Alabama, “U of A sports journalist” probably ranks right between Governor and Cross Burner; it’s still pretty ridiculous to preemptively blow you fucking stacks over the possibility of a 5-second interruption, or some flashing graphic in the corner of the screen. God forbid some poor sap working 3rd-shift gets informed about driving conditions.

    I hope there’s an ice storm and a huge fucking blackout in Birmingham. Good luck, Mother Nature. (half-hearted) Hook ‘em Horns…

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    We Have…Ahhhhh…Precedent

    Posted by Matt on Thursday, August 6th, 2009

    When I run for office, a key part of my platform will be the legalization of public urination.  Of course, I will encourage restrictions on this right. For instance, indoor peeing should generally be frowned upon (e.g. in a Church or Planetarium).  Similarly, there should be no public urination within 100 feet of a school or post office.

    Well, there are trailblazers in our midst – and believe it or not, some of them are in the Mobile, Alabama Prosecutor’s Office:

    MOBILE, Ala. — City officials want to dismiss a public lewdness charge against an 81-year-old woman accused of urinating in a public park when she couldn’t make it to a bathroom.

    Municipal prosecutors in Mobile filed a motion Wednesday to throw out the charge against Lula Mae Battle.  The request came amid a public outcry over the arrest of Battle, who suffers from incontinence problems.”Thank you, Jesus. Glory, Hallelujah!” Battle told the Press-Register newspaper after learning of the city’s motion.

    Municipal Court administrator Pete Peterson said Thursday the judge would likely rule on the city’s motion to throw out the case on Sept. 15, the day Battle is scheduled for trial.

    I will come clean and say I had no idea what “incontinence” meant. I assumed it was a form of dementia, but that’s because I’m a recovering ageist.  Fortunately, I keep a pocket Medical Dictionary close by at all times.  Here’s more:

    Battle has said she was at her bank, next to Bienville Square in downtown Mobile, on June 3 when a teller refused to let her use the bathroom. Battle tried to make it to a public restroom across the park but couldn’t get there in time.

    The woman lost control of her bladder as she walked, so she ducked into bushes next to a small building. But the building was a one-room police substation manned by a cadet, who called for an officer and had her arrested.

    The woman was taken to jail, booked on a charge of public lewdness and released on $500 bail. The charge carries a maximum penalty of three months in jail and a $500 fine.

    In anticipation of a trial, Battle said she had been saving money. She wasn’t able to pay her phone bill, so the service was cut off.

    “I was trying to save,” she told the newspaper.

    I think I speak for public urinators everywhere when I say, “Lula Mae, we appreciate your sacrifice on behalf of all Americans.  Good luck, and best of health to you and yours!”

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    Gratuitous World Blog

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