Posts Tagged christianity

What Are ‘End Times,’ Alex?

Posted by Matt on Thursday, December 13th, 2012

When in doubt, that’s the answer – which is strange because that answer implies conviction.  Anyway, we’ve been over this before.

(Reuters) – Nearly four in 10 U.S. residents say the severity of recent natural disasters such as Superstorm Sandy is evidence the world is coming to an end, as predicted by the Bible, while more than six in 10 blame it on climate change, according to a poll released on Thursday.

The survey by the Public Religion Research Institute in partnership with the Religion News Service found political and religious disagreement on what is behind severe weather, which this year has included extreme heat and drought.

Most Catholics (60 percent) and white non-evangelical Protestants (65 percent) say they believe disasters like hurricanes and floods are the result of climate change.

But nearly two-thirds (65 percent) of white evangelical Protestants say they think the storms are evidence of the “end times” as predicted by the Bible.

Overall, 36 percent point to end times and 63 percent to climate change.

offered without comment.

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Shockingly, Company That Closes Overrated Fast Food Stores On Sundays Because Of Jesus Also Doesn’t Like Gay People

Posted by Matt on Thursday, July 19th, 2012

Chik-Fil-A is a divisive member of my family.  We’ve never lived close to one, but whenever we’re on the road my wife focuses her ADHD like a honed carrier pigeon, “Ooh Chik-Fil-A! Let’s go!”  I don’t really like the food and usually retort with something disrespectfully inane like, “i’ll chick-fil-a in your pants.” Sometimes she’s disgusted enough to remain silent until we get past the exit. Sometimes we stop. As a traditional couple, we get served without incident. They take our green money or plastic swipe cards and don’t inquire as to the details of our sexual depravity (hint: cayenne pepper).

Chik-Fil-A doesn’t stay open on Sundays because that is the day of rest noted in the Bible.  Fervent Christians are known for their compassion and acceptance, which is exactly why they co-sponsor anti-gay rights golf events.  Yes, these fundraisers do exist, and they’re quite a nice time except there are no flagpins or holes allowed (too suggestive).

So obviously some liberals were SHOCKED about the following interview given by Chik-Fil-A COO Dan Cathy.

[COO Dan] Cathy told the Baptist Press he aims to operate the restaurant chain “on biblical principles.” When asked whether his company had an established position against marriage equality, Cathy said, “guilty as charged.”

He added, “We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that. … We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”

Previously, Cathy insisted that he and Chick-fil-A were not antigay, and that his company has “no agenda against anyone.”

The company has reported millions of dollars in donations to antigay groups including the Family Research Council and the Marriage and Family Foundation. Because of Chick-fil-A’s ties to antigay organizations and causes, many LGBT people and allies are boycotting the restaurants, and plans to open a restaurant on the Northeastern University campus were quashed.

You guys get that? “Biblical Principles.”

Matthew 23:37  “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!”

“…and I will debone these children-hens, dredge them in flour, fry em up, and serve them to my obese non-hen children. (Monday through Saturday)!”

Ok, so at least the incredibly predictable gay-hate-outing of this corporate citizen is another card I can play the next time we find ourselves driving through Kentucky.

But just in case you cared (you care), this crew wanted to let everyone know they’re Pissed!

The gay rights campaign NOH8, which is supported by “Glee” actress Jane Lynch, Deepak Chopra, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan and the Kardashian sisters, among others, has also called for a Chick-fil-A boycott.

All the Kardashsian Sisters?!  Holy shit I’m boycotting yesterday!

Note to NOH8 – you can do better than that.

The rest of you?  You can do better as well.  CULVER’S!

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Santorum Campaign Offered Jewish Supporters The Most Backhanded Of “Happy Hanukkahs”

Posted by Matt on Thursday, February 9th, 2012

From Rick Santorum’s South Carolina Campaign (via Hunter Walker)











A close 2nd to John’s Gospel verse was Revelation 20:14-15:

 ”Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire.”

Maybe next year.

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America’s Most Awful Future Presidential Candidate Also Pretty Awful In The Recent Past And All Other Times

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

"In the same way therefore not one of you can be my disciple if he does not renounce all his own possessions." haha that's not about gays or abortion so it doesnt really count.

Rick Perry is shamelessly self-promoting his South-by-ChristWest festival, where people from all walks of christianity will be welcomed to the Houston Texans’ stadium in order to skip the meal between breakfast and brunch fast and pray for Jesus to fix the state budget, or in the alternative, probably something related to college football.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle divulges some interesting information:

From 2000, when Perry became governor, through 2009, he earned a total of $2.68 million, according to his tax records. Of that amount, he gave about half a percent to churches and religious organizations, or $14,243.

By comparison, Americans averaged gifts of nearly 1.2 percent of their income to churches and religious groups from 2004 to 2008, according to Empty Tomb Inc., an Illinois-based research firm specializing in U.S. church-giving trends.

Perry will probably run for president because he’s in the hole to the Man Upstairs by about 35,000, plus points.

It’s possible one would think the callous execution of innocent people would deter one’s political prospects.  Obviously, we’re not all on the same page here because I guess Jesus crossed the Delaware and signed the Dead Sea Scrolls to protect the liberty of property-owning, rickets-free white men. So this lack of charitable contribution will probably be looked upon fondly by his base.

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Fool Me Twice…And You Can’t Get Fooled Again

Posted by Matt on Friday, February 18th, 2011

Last year, I basked in the glow of my own sarcastic smugness as I gleefully criticized a post titled “Is My Husband GAY?,” written by a ‘Stephenson Billings’ of  His article listed a slew of ‘warning signs,’ and I gave myself a pat on the back as I ridiculed each one as if it was the kid who wore snowpants to school, but was clearly too old. For instance:

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

“Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?”   What’s up with this guy? Why does everything have to revolve around homosexuals fucking? People also go to these places for the drugs.

Haha, I’m so witty! Move over, world. This guy is 32, 6 foot 5, and will shoot any fish in any barrel.

A few weeks ago, a couple friends forwarded me a article authored by the same ‘Stephenson Billings.’ That name sounded familiar. The article was a hilariously diatribe about how Phish is the tool of the devil.

A closer look at this group’s music proves the implicit endorsement of drug culture that The Phish engages in. There are ballads with titles that celebrate narcotic experimentation such as, “Marijuana” and “Christmas Without Weed.” And then there are those who have secret messages difficult to decipher at first glance. One of their most famous works, “Prince Caspian” is centered on cocaine use and even opens with the noise of a bubbling crack pipe. The lyric, “the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing” is a clear reference to the cocoa growers of Columbia. “Bouncing Round The Room” tells the horrendous story of a man who brutally beats his girlfriend around his apartment while on a drug binge. “The Mango Song” talks about running out of marijuana supplies, while “Twist” celebrates a hardcore LSD trip. And the list goes on and on.

That’s not what those songs are about! Are they?! It’s really an incredible read, particularly for a Phish fan. I received it from a few people, and likewise sent the link to a few phriends (stop that) friends.  ‘Aghast,’ ‘indignant’ and ‘derogatory’ were the standard moods of like-minded readers. A few days later I saw this (Satirical Christian Site Hoodwinks the Huffington Post - gasp! that’s possible?!):

One of the Internet’s best kept secrets is the satirical website Every day, its contributing writers publish articles condemning homosexuality, atheism, Hollywood or some other perceived threat to American culture. The writers pretend to be hard-right Christian conservatives and, occasionally, they succeed in tricking serious news organizations into believing them. Last month, for instance, we caught NBC Los Angeles falling for a ChristWire article about the moral depravity of Bill Murray. The article called Murray a “murderer of lambs” and a “fatal disease” to society. Still, the satire was lost on NBC (they interpreted it as unchecked Christian fundamentalism and later had to issue a correction).


I could say I had an idea, but that would be lying. As a former frequent Focus On The Family website lurker, I’m used to reading bedwetting rants about the evils of things such as Harry Potter (witchcraft) or avocados (californian). The christwire articles, while ridiculous, are really well done. The only satirical inkling I even had concerned the pictures of the authors. D’oh!

So touche, christwire. You certainly took this elitist, lecherous critic down a peg.

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Screw Me? No, Screw Neu!

Posted by Matt on Thursday, January 6th, 2011

At the end of Fletch, the evil Chief Carlin (SPOILER!) unexpectedly busts into the Stanwyck Mansion. Fletch remarks, “Thank God. The Police.”

Funny stuff.

Almost 2 years ago, President Obama pushed through legislation allowing the federal government to assist cash-strapped states in maintaining their police forces and in some cases, hiring additional police officers. Remember how wildly popular that stimulus was? Everyone loved being able to project all their dissatisfaction with government onto a modest spending bill passed in the middle of a terrible recession.

But one guy isn’t cool with the help the democrats gave the Fraternal Order.

A Manatee County sergeant was suspended without pay after he highlighted an ominous verse in the Bible and dubbed it the “Obama Prayer.”

According to the police report, Matthew Neu circled “Let his days be few, and let another take his office” — from Psalm 109 — and placed the “Obama Prayer” note in a bible on a colleague’s desk. The “Obama Prayer” has been circulating around the Internet, and Neu received it in an email.

So they suspended Neu for 26 hours and blahblahblah - in retrospect it’s not the most riveting story. However, the continued invocation of Psalm 109 remains interesting. Shortly after taking office, I wrote about the rising invocation of Psalm 109 among some conservatives. Psalm 109:8 reads -

May his days be few; may another take his office.”

I get the literal implication. Of course, the next sentence reads…

May his children be orphans, and his wife a widow.” (Psalm 109:9)

If you love the book, you should read the book. Openly advocating for the premature death of an American president is pretty low, not to mention treasonous. Be true, Officer Neu. If you want it, you should wear it. And don’t worry – new governor and corporate-fraudshaft, Rick Scott will clearly look out for public employees. He’s really into that.

or maybe this is more appropriate.

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Monkey See, Monkey Dude?

Posted by Matt on Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

Glenn Beck took a break from plotting the repeal of the 20th Century to get science-y today. I’ll just let him do his thing:

I don’t think we came from monkeys. I think that’s ridiculous. I haven’t seen a half-monkey, half-person yet.”

If I get to the other side and God’s like, ‘You know what, yep, you were a monkey once,’ I’ll be shocked, but I’ll be cool with it,” he said.

They have to make you care,” Beck continued. “They have to force it down your throat. When anybody has to force it — it’s a problem. You didn’t have to force that the world was round. Truth is truth.”

separated at earth

I’ve apparently missed all these uber-aggressive scientists mind-raping everyone with evolutionary theory.  Maybe they should get syndicated radio shows.

Like Beck, I’m really impatient for evolution to show itself. I mean, according to the established theory, didn’t it only take a few weeks for amoebas to evolve into fish who then evolved into Leprechauns by the end of the following Spring? This guy is on onto something.

While I have seen 2 million year old human remains in East Africa, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man-monkey on the street either.

You know what else I haven’t seen yet? GOD, YOU FUCKING CLOWN. And the invocation of the earth’s shape is hilarious considering the ‘flat earth society’ existed up until the time the Soviets finally put a rocket into space. 

Beck is a stickler for Fischer Price evidence and until the 50s, I’m sure he would’ve hated all the round-earth Pythagoras-loving motherfuckers shoving all that physics down his throat.

Truth is truth? Jesus. Are you even trying anymore?

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Watch Out, You Might Get What You’re After

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 17th, 2010

'Meet The Rounds'

Huckster - being all compassionately christian and shit….

When Republicans attack health care reform, Democrats like to counter by accusing Republicans of wanting to repeal a law that requires insurance companies to cover people with pre-existing conditions. According to Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, that’s exactly right. People with pre-existing conditions, he explains are like houses that have already burned down.

It sounds so good, and it’s such a warm message to say we’re not gonna deny anyone from a preexisting condition,” Huckabee explained at the Value Voters Summit today. “Look, I think that sounds terrific, but I want to ask you something from a common sense perspective. Suppose we applied that principle [to] our property insurance. And you can call your insurance agent and say, “I’d like to buy some insurance for my house.” He’d say, “Tell me about your house.” “Well sir, it burned down yesterday, but I’d like to insure it today.” And he’ll say “I’m sorry, but we can’t insure it after it’s already burned.” Well, no preexisting conditions.”

What a public servant. Of course, when Mike was a fat fuck governor, he had government -provided health care to diagnose and treat his diabetes, and whatever other health problems his fat fuck family suffered from.  Unfortunately, this likely excluded much-needed psychological help for his dog-torturing, fat fuck son.

So listen up diabetics, asthmatics, cancer survivors and clubbed-foot freeloaders – just go ahead and tear yourself down (die or move to Canada). Or you can always pay out-of-pocket for the totally reasonable costs of health care these days.

Mike has finally made it so his pre-existings probably don’t matter anymore.  He has insurance through Fox News’ Platinum Jesus plan. Also, if Huck comes to power, expect to bend over for the insurance companies. And don’t expect government assistance of any kind - all those billions will be allocated to quarantine the 1 Million or so Americans suffering from HIV/AIDS.

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Stop, Drop and Troll

Posted by Matt on Friday, September 10th, 2010

hunk a hunk of burning hate.

Production meeting circa 1 week ago (for non-FN “News” organizations)…

Executive Producer:   ”Alright guys. We did a great job pushing that Ground Zero Mosque Story. People are eating up this anti-Muslim shit and we did literally NO work. We need to double down and continue this momentum. Any ideas?”

Producer A: “Well there was this mosque in Florida that was bombed and another one in Tennessee, and an-”

EP: “Hold on, Gary. Now that’s not bad. I like the “mosque” angle. The word itself turns eyes red and faces white. But remember we don’t want to be too sympathetic to those Islamics. Facts aside, Priority 1  is leaving ourselves in the best spot to defend against accusations of “liberal bias” from The Right – despite the fact that they’ll do it regardless. Yes? New Guy.”

Eager Go-Getter:  ”So there’s this fringe pastor down in Florida. He’s going the bar-b-que some Korans to celebrate 9/11 with his flock of 35 people.”

EP: “Anything else?”

Eager Go-Getter:  “well I don’t want to guarantee anything, but there’s a chance this pastor’s facial hair could be iconic .”

EP: “That’s perfect! we can give this guy all of our attention! This is the perfect non-story we won’t have to do any legwork for!  But it’s certain to inflame passions in the way our minimal war coverage never did! Run with it!”

And around and around it went. Pastor Frownstache is the Santa Claus of 9/11. But alas, he chickened out of igniting an international incident. He got what he wanted. His flock has grown. So imagine my surprise at this…

But the Rev. Bob Old of the Disciples of Christ ministry — who was inspired by Jones and planned to burn the Koran on Saturday at his home and post the video on YouTube — said he’s pushing forward. He also says that Jones backing down shows he wasn’t committed to the cause.

“That shows how strong his convictions are,” Old said, according to The Tennessean. “My event is about establishing who is God and who is not God. I will be burning a Quran, I’m not going to change my mind no matter who calls me.”

Old also compared himself to Moses, who in the Old Testament burned a golden calf when he found the Israelites worshiping it, The Tennessean said.

Look at all the attention this douchebag in florida received! I want national attention TOO! Just like Moses!  AND my flock is already filled with crazy nativists. Win Win!”

There may be religious leaders around the nation who will not be burning holy books this weekend. I’m not positive, but it seems likely.  Can we give them any love? Or just the fringe cuckoo asshats?

Take a deep breath.  Enjoy the holiday.

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I Don’t Want Them, You Can Have Them, They’re Too Dark For Me

Posted by Matt on Friday, August 20th, 2010

I'm rubber, you're glue...Elmer's Glue.

I don’t know why I should be surprised by the ridiculous idiocy and intolerance of the red-faced, mouth-breathing “The-Other-Haters” on the Right, but this mosque bullshit has done it.  After trading in their hard-to-explain ”Read the Constitution“ (spelling corrected) signs for their  “Fuck The Constitution, No Muslins Allowed” placards, these people will not shut up about a Muslim-associated gym being kind of near Ground Zero, and right next to an AT&T Store. What arbitrary distance will make you happy, you fucking douchebags?!

So as they go about protesting, their colors are worn clearly on their sleeves. And those sleeves are blanched.

Sunday’s crowd included representatives of the conservative Tea Party movement, some of them wearing anti-tax T-shirts that had nothing to do with Ground Zero, Islam or terrorism.

“We must take a stand and we must say no,” shouted rally organizer Pamela Geller as the crowd roared approval. Moments later, another keynote speaker, Robert Spencer, sparked more cheers when he asked, “Are you tired of being lied to?” [  ]

At one point, a portion of the crowd menacingly surrounded two Egyptian men who were speaking Arabic and were thought to be Muslims.

“Go home,” several shouted from the crowd.

“Get out,” others shouted.

In fact, the two men – Joseph Nassralla and Karam El Masry — were not Muslims at all. They turned out to be Egyptian Coptic Christians who work for a California-based Christian satellite TV station called “The Way.” Both said they had come to protest the mosque.

I’m a Christian,” Nassralla shouted to the crowd, his eyes bulging and beads of sweat rolling down his face.

But it was no use. The protesters had become so angry at what they thought were Muslims that New York City police officers had to rush in and pull Nassralla and El Masry to safety.

I flew nine hours in an airplane to come here,” a frustrated Nassralla said afterward.

These poor guys weren’t even allowed to exercise their First Amendment Right to yell at the First Amendment!

New York City is one of the world’s greatest and most diverse cities.  Truly an awesome place.  Unfortunately, this issue was ginned up magnificently by Newt/Rush & co.  They knew the Media drones couldn’t resist this fairly cut-and-dry and relatively meaningless yet hyperbolic story.  Now Ground Zero has turned into a vortex of intolerance, and a stinging reminder of how far we haven’t come in the last 9 years. Senator Franken, one of the token non-pushover Democrats, summed it up appropriately…and then someone shot at his home.

 Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) said on Wednesday that conservative criticism of plans to develop a mosque and Islamic community center in close proximity to “Ground Zero” in New York City is “one of the most disgraceful things that I’ve heard.”

“It’s a community center. They’re going to have a gym. They’re going to have point guards. Muslim point guards,” Franken said. “They (Republicans) do this every two years. They try to find a wedge issue, and they try to work it.”

The most offensive thing I heard was from Newt Gingrich: ‘We can’t let the Nazis put up a building next to the Holocaust Museum,” asserted the Democratic Senator. “That’s equating all Muslims with Al Quaida. George W. Bush said Al Quaida is ‘a perversion of Islam.’

Gingrich analogized building the religious establishment near “Ground Zero” to Nazis putting up signs close to the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. on Monday’s edition of “Fox and Friends.”

GOP Knows Drama.

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Gratuitous World Blog

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      January 29, 2014

      [Former NCAA President Myles Brand:] They can’t be paid. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] What makes them amateurs? [Brand:] Well, they can’t be paid. [Q:] Why not? [Brand:] Because they’re amateurs. [Q:] Who decided they are amateurs? [Brand:] We did. [Q:] Why? [Brand:] Because we don’t pay them. – Michael Rosenberg’s 2010 Sports Illustrated interview of former NCAA president Myles Brand Yesterday, quarterback Kain Colter led a group […]

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      January 7, 2014

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