The P.A.S.T.E.Y. (v. 4.0)

Or…Tyer Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD

 Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition.  But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the former UNC hoops star (and recent vertigo-sufferer) who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.

Ladies and Gentlemen, PASTEY IV goes to:  PEYTON HILLIS

The Cleveland Brown is single-handedly bringing legitimacy back to the white running back.   Though he lacks the red-face of Riggins or the U-Bar face mask of Czonka, he’s a 21st century meathead inflicting white-hot pain on defenders in route to a pretty stellar season. In fact, his insistence on maximizing every collision might necessitate his breakout-season also being his farewell season.

Like many melanin-deficient runners, Hillis has suffered the prejudice of coaches throughout his career. Typecast as a fullback, he spent many years in the “back of the bus” (ironically, the front of the off-set I-formation). Yet after only a couple of weeks, Coach Eric Mangini couldn’t help but notice his palest runner was also his most effective runner. These days, Hillis jerseys are popping up all over Cleveland, as his brute north-south running style keeps it simple for the ‘Dog Pound.’ Woof woof. One can only imagine how many times harder he has had to work compared to the “typical” NFL RB. I would guess 28x’s.

Peyton Hillis, Congratulations!  Keep that dome clear and run like the wind a soft breeze.

Whiteness: Isabelline

“Celebrity” Resemblance: Like Jersey Shore’s Ronnie…but without the fake tan, shamelessness, or insufferable bitchwhore girlfriend.

Quote: ”When I first met Hillis, he shared that his father told him he would need to be the hardest-working player on the field if he wanted to make it. Hillis grew up on a farm and learned the value of hard work, and while his father never gave him anything, he carries this advice with him to this day. We can see it in the way he runs the football…Hillis is a born and raised Arkansas boy, but you would swear he’s from Cleveland. He fits the city perfectly. He’s tough, gritty, blue-collar and doesn’t ask for anything.”  Charles Davis, NFL Network

Darwin-Factor: Cro-Magnificent