T.H.E P.A.S.T.E.Y AWARD!
Posted by Matt on Thursday, September 25th, 2008
Or…Tyler Hansbrough’s Energetic, Pale-Ass, Scrappy, Tough, Eager Youngster AWARD
Background: Certain athletes get so much recognition that this recognition deserves additional recognition. But we’re not talking about just any kind of recognition. We’re talking about a special breed of athlete that receives constant accolades from the public, though these accolades usually have nothing to do with actual ability. Thus, this award is named after the young UNC hoops star who epitomizes the spirit, speed, and skin-tone of this particular type of athlete.
As Bill Raftery would say, “Watching Tyler Hansbrough listen is special!”
Without further ado, the innagural PASTEY goes to this guy:
An obvious selection! This young, energetic, hard-worker can add THE PASTEY to his already impressive award stash. The rugged Florida Quarterback delighted many coeds and broadcast personalities when he decided to come back for his Junior season. In fact, what sticks out about this son of Christian Missionaries isn’t that he became the first player to rush and pass for at least 20 touchdowns in a single season, or even that he heroically led the Gators to a SPECTACULAR 9-4 finish in 2007. Rather, it’s how tough he is. Legend has it that Tebow broke his leg in a high school game and managed to play all 4 quarters. Erin Andrews gets movement downstairs just thinking about it.
When he’s not winning awards, running up solid numbers, and spreading the gospel, the earnest Tebow is inspiring politicians everywhere. Alabama’s “Tim Tebow Bill” (HR 334) would require public schools to allow homeschooled students equal access to SPORTS! and extracurricular activities. I shit you not. When powerful Alabamans are not fighting the culture wars of yesteryear, or avoiding a gay cousin, this is what they do at the office.
The Home-schooled Heisman winner is already a legend in the state, and though he has often folded in the clutch, he is obviously way better than Chris Leak, who may or may not have led the Gators to the 2006 National Championship. Congratulations, Tim. You’re today’s PASTEY.
Quote: “Mothers pray their daughters will bring him home for pot roast night. Fathers pray their sons will grow up to be like him. Linebackers pray he won’t connect with that stiffarm.” Andy Staples, Athlon Sports
Favorite Book: Leviticus
Future: Like all recent Gator QBs, he will likely play at one time for Bears. Like all recent Gator QBs, his NFL futility will be legendary.