$307 Billion in assets, muthafuckas!
Dear fellow WaMu customers,
I hope this note finds you well. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, our beloved bank came to symbolize the excesses of the mortgage boom. Who knew?! Last night, the government stepped in, punched in their PIN-number, seized some assets, and made WaMu BY FAR the largest bank failure in American history.
I took Econ 101 in college, so allow me to briefly analyze where these clowns went wrong:
1. No change-counters: Are you really going to force your customers to drag their change jars to the supermarket and use those green machines that take about 9 cents per dollar? C’mon WaMu! It’s legal fucking tender.
2. Too much free shit: Along with bad loans to bad borrowers, and huge undeserved bonuses for their executives, WaMu was always giving away things to their customers. You may say, “Wait a minute pal, I liked depositing my paycheck and getting a complimentary Chips-Ahoy.” I hear you. However, these things add up. And did they really add to your banking pleasure? I still have a WaMu spatula in my office. It doesn’t make me feel any better about my financial security. I really thought it would. I really did.
3. Communication: I received an e-mail from WaMu this morning. I thought it would touch on issues such as the security of my funds, nearest branches, my 5-year plan, etc. Instead we got this:
START SAVING FOR THE HOLIDAYS…TODAY!!! With kids back in school and a nip in the air, we’re suddenly reminded that the holidays are just around the corner.Even if you’re not ready to hit the stores, you can cut down on holiday stress by saving a little extra cash today. With Online Savings at an amazing 4.00% APY and great rates on Money Market accounts, we have plenty of ways to kick your holiday savings into gear.Learn more about your options and these great rates for saving for the holidays
C’mon guys! At least acknowledge your failure before you start begging for more of our savings. Your like the person that farts on the subway and then pretends it wasn’t you. We all know it was you. Just because you’re reading a book doesn’t mean we’re oblivious. You can turn up the volume on your headphones all you want, it’s not going to make the smell go away.
In conclusion, I hope everyone is alright. These are tough times, and we’ll come through the other side,
head held high, spatula in hand.
Sincerely,
A former WaMu customer
“It’s legal fucking tender!”
I think I just peed a little. Nice.