Worst People of 2011

20.  Rick Scott:  You have a friend on Facebook who updated his status with something like this:  ”post this as your status if you think all welfare/UEI recipients should be drug tested.  They’re all just puffing up ratings for the Price Is Right, so let’s make them jump through as many hoops as possible in this awesome job market. It’s a great use of state resources. USA! Also…fuck ‘em.”

Now imagine you are the governor of an awful state and implemented said policy because it’s the ultimate in pandering. (Also, it’s always cool uniting behind facebook campaigns….Matt and 211,932 others like “orange highlighters.”) 

Then imagine that before you were governor you were CEO of a company found guilty of  the largest Medicaid fraud in the country’s history. 

Let he who has not overbilled Medicare cast the first reimbursement.

Of course, the drug testing ended up costing the state more than it’s worth to deny benefits to the 2% of recipients who failed the drug tests. (If the state tested elected officials, I would bet $1.7 billion that more than 2% would drop “positive.” )

Oh, and it might be unconstitutional as a clear violation of the 4th Amendment. However, BO/W have made sure the 4th is the Tito or Jermaine of Amendments.

Stay true to form, Rick. See you next year.

19. Fmr. Sheriff Patrick J. Sullivan:  Can be located in cell block 3 of Patrick J. Sullivan Detention Facility.

18. Mike Allen: If you boiled down the smugly nonsensical petri dish of cable news to print form, you would have Politico. Mike Allen is its chief political reporter.  He’s also a talking point wrapped in a talking point pretending to do real journalism in talking point form, with the apparent lack of any discerning value system.

He clocked in at #9 on Alex Parenee’s 2011 Hack 30 List, and god willing he’ll one day reach the top of that City on a Hill.

17. Bank of America:  Since corporations are now people, they can now be included . (Thanks John Roberts, Chief Justice of the US Chamber of Commerce Supreme Court!)

In June, Bof A settled claims against its adopted lovechild Countrywide for a very light $8.5B.  While simultaneously putting their hand out to the TARP gatekeepers, BofA continued attempts to foreclose on Americans who weren’t even behind in their payments.  Beyond the hidden fees and all the other Big  Bank bullshit, they’re also really good at foreclosing on military families.

Purple Mountains Majesty!

16. Jon Corzine:  Even among elected Democrats, Corzine’s duplicity stands out in technicolor.  The former NJ Governor drove MFGF into the ground while practicing the same behavior he long condemned. In other words, the Goldman Sachs Way.  From the Philadelphia Inquirer:

When I read MF Global Finance’s second-quarter results, though, what popped out at me was its compensation expenses: 64 percent of revenues went to compensation. In any industry but Wall Street, that would be obscene. Indeed, in a talk he gave at Princeton last year, Corzine said that he’d been “arguing about compensation sins of Wall Street” for decades. Not enough to actually do anything about it, though, once he was back in charge of a firm.

Then there’s Corzine’s own compensation. When he walked in the door, he negotiated a salary of $1.5 million. (Incredibly, MF Global Holdings paid a $400,000 fee to Corzine’s lawyers.) He also received a signing bonus of $1.5 million, and $11 million in stock options.

But here’s the kicker. Like many executives — on Wall Street and off — Corzine’s agreement also covered his eventual departure. If he left MF Global because, say, it was sold, his $11 million in stock options would immediately vest, and he would get a $12.1 million golden parachute. Of course, the MF Global proxy statement doesn’t call it a golden parachute. It calls the payment “severance.”

There’s more to the story. When Joe Nocera wrote this killer column earlier this week, it hadn’t even come out yet that….THE MONEY’S GONE!!!

Federal regulators have discovered that hundreds of millions of dollars in customer money has gone missing from MF Global in recent days, prompting an investigation into the brokerage firm, which is run by Jon S. Corzine, the former New Jersey governor, several people briefed on the matter said on Monday.

15.  Charlie Sheen: next.

14.  Joe Walsh:  The Illinois rep. is a self-proclaimed “family values” tea partier who differs with his family’s value by the $100,000 he owes in child support. However, he loves to take personal responsibility and blame any of his kids’ debt on Obama.  He yells at constituents and doesn’t think a single bank has done a single thing wrong. He’s also a 2nd Amendment revolution troll. All around great guy. Well done, IL-8.

BTW, The Family Research Council Action gave Walsh an award for his “unwavering support of the family,” because of course they did.

13.  Evan Bayh:  A Man Of Honor.

12. Pope Benedict XVI:  Welcome back. And Hey look at that:  the guy Pope JR picked to look into pedophilia-related reforms ”employs” a priest who likes to have sex with kids.  Shocker!

Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51-year-old parish priest in the village of Sastri Ponente, near Genoa, was arrested last Friday, May 13, on pedophilia and drug charges. Investigators say that in tapped mobile-phone conversations, Seppia asked a Moroccan drug dealer to arrange sexual encounters with young and vulnerable boys. “I do not want 16-year-old boys but younger. Fourteen-year-olds are O.K. Look for needy boys who have family issues,” he allegedly said. Genoa Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco, who is the head of the Italian Bishops Conference, had been working with Benedict to establish a tough new worldwide policy, released this week, on how bishops should handle accusations of priestly sex abuse.

The Bagnasco-model – Fondling around for centuries. 

11. ESPN:  Speaking of protecting child abusers….

As if Chris Berman wasn’t enough reason to boycott the channel, this terrible Sports Marketing organization took the next step by hindering a child sex abuse investigation under the guise of “journalistic ethics.”

At the time the Mrs. Bernie Fine tape was turned over in 2003, Syracuse hoops was #1 in the country.  And of course there’s no connection between Syracuse broadcasting school and the Bristol “mothership.” What a disgusting place.

(Also, during that couple months when Tim Tebow was riding Von Miller & co. to a substantial Broncos’ winning streak, there was a SportsCenter where Tebow’s name was mentioned 88 times in an hour.  But there’s no legitimate reason why this would irritate people…)

10. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad:  For years, al-Assad has vocalized concern about America invading his country.  Sick of worrying and waiting for the shoe to drop, he’s just going to go ahead and massacre Syrian people his own damned self.

9. The Topeka City Council: From October 6, 2011-

the Shawnee County District Attorney’s office, facing a 10% budget cut, announced that the county would no longer be prosecuting misdemeanors, including domestic violence cases, at the county level. Finding those cases suddenly dumped on the city and lacking resources of their own, the Topeka City Council is now considering repealing the part of the city code that bans domestic battery. [...]

Since the county stopped prosecuting the crimes on September 8th, it has turned back 30 domestic violence cases. Sixteen people have been arrested for misdemeanor domestic battery and then released from the county jail after charges weren’t filed.

Look, they’re not telling you wife-beating is cool.  But if you’re looking for that rage release after a Jayhawks’ loss, just don’t get caught smoking a joint. That’s all they’re saying.

8.  Piers Morgan: With the exception of Don Lemon and one of the congressional correspondents, CNN is virtually unwatchable. But if you’re interested…

You can watch the vapid John King lob softball questions to important people.  You can watch Erin Burnett display thinly veiled contempt for people who aren’t part of the Beltway elite. Or you can watch tabloid hack Mr. Morgan. I mean, SOMEONE has to interview Bruno Mars and Kathy Griffin now that the exoskeleton of Larry King has retired. So good for you.

Morgan’s sanctimonious persona now displays its journalistic chops by interviewing celebs.  The scrupulous Brit also loves hacking phones – a great way to demonstrate soulless ambition and avoid ethical and actual reporting.

7.  Sheriff Joe Arapio: It’s “uh-oh” time for the Patron Saint of I Hate Mexicans.  First, the AP reported that over 400 sex-crime cases were not properly investigated, or not investigated at all over a 3 year period. In the city of El Mirage, for example, there were 32 child molestations reported — 26 of which had suspects — that were not thoroughly investigated (Hint: victims).

Next, a video shows one of his officers using a Taser on a Latino military veteran that later died. Tragic story. Of course, in Arizona that might get him the Jan Brewer Medal Of Not Freedom.

6.  Steve Williams: Tiger Woods’ ex-caddie couldn’t get enough air-time this year. From belittling the dozens of tournaments Woods won (and the riches the remora siphoned from the legendary golfer for a decade), to gossiping about Woods’ off-the-course issues, you would have thought people gave a shit what Williams had to say.  In fact, when Williams’ ranted after carrying the bag for Adam Scott, you would’ve thought he was the one who hit virtually every green over the weekend. Next, the looper called Woods a “Black Asshole,” which would go over well at most all country clubs, but didn’t need to be said on a live mic – not because it’s racist, but because no one should give a shit about what he thinks.

Talking golf!

5. Kim Kardashian (and probably you):  We’re all flawed and exceptional humans. Even George Stephanopoulos.  But let’s be clear: if you’re interested in these fame whores, you’re terrible. There’s no way getting around it. 

4.  GOP Debate Audiences: Generally, their ignorance is only surpassed by their cruelty. It started with the obligatory standing O for Legitimate Presidential Haircut Rick Perry’s boast about executing 234 people as governor, with only a handful who were likely innocent!!!

Remember when Perry (GW worst person of 2009!) was a real candidate?  That was pretty awesome.

(BTW – I love how conservative supporters of the Death Penalty and Mandatory Minimums tout them as deterrents, but erupt like hemorrhaging Pavlovian beanbag chairs when the words “Tort Reform,” e.g. caps on punitive/deterrent awards, are invoked at any podium. Corporate Liberty > Personal Liberty. Of course.)

Next was Ron Paul’s priceless reaction when the GOP cheered a Wolf Blitzer hypothetical positing that the uninsured should be left to die in the streets. Huzzah! Bring out yer dead! Even Ron, who spent a career consolidating racist bigots under the guise of “freedom” was taken aback.

Finally, a debate audience booed an American veteran who directed a question to missionary-only candidate Rick Santorum.  Why? He was gay.  This means he’s less likely to produce a fetus-American, the most cherished kind.

3.  Scott Walker: Listen, Scott Walker is clearly the worst person of 2011.  He hits all 5 points of the awfulness spectrum: self-righteous, liar, corporate puppet, bully, hater.  It’s almost too easy.  This “small-government” governor threatened to use the National Guard on the state’s citizens, stole deferred compensation from state workers, instituted poll taxes and voter disenfranchisement measures, trampled over 1st Amendment Freedom of Assembly rights, doesn’t want to allow gay people to visit partners in the hospital, is trying to dismantle public education, and so on and so on…

He wants you to have a happy holiday season, though.  Thanks, Scott!

2.  The Penn State “Community”: I’ve heard Pennsylvania described as:  ”Pittsburgh in the west, Philly in the east, and Kentucky in the middle.”  That’s an insult to Kentucky.  Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you people? I say “you people” because the continued cacophony of corruption doesn’t seem possible, and the groupthink totally foreign to me. Uncle Jerry rapes boys for decades. The cover-up is facilitated by your beloved Coach – arguably the most powerful man in the state. The conspiracy goes up the chain to the University’s president + BOT (some still there), all the way to the governor.  Outrageous, right?  People should feel pissed + betrayed. They were.

Of course their anger had nothing to do with the rape of vulnerable children (though lip service was paid).  The real outrage concerns uncertainty about the school’s continuing ability to win football games.  The student riots? Not over institutional protection of a child rapist,  but because the administration succumbed to public pressure and fired the coach who allowed his former defensive coordinator to anally rape a child in the PSU shower.  The alumni? Not pissed that they were betrayed by the institution. Pissed that PSU was forced to hire an “outsider,” and not stick with interim coach Tom Bradley, who roomed with Sandusky on the road for years and saw him bring his Second Mile prey to bowl games.  Priorities.

You Are. Penn State. Live with that.

1.  Kid From Toyota Highlander Commercial:  

This is the first of 2 commercials featuring this spawn of Hades (The second has an “antagonist” embarrassed to be seen in his parents’ wood-paneled station wagon. For Shame!)

Rosemary’s Baby, Damian, Michael Meyers, this kid. I’m not sure if this is just some marketing abortion slapped together at deadline by some hungover ad people, or if it’s a complexly contrived Objectivist fantasy:  a Bizarro World where self-serving dickishness is a cradle-to-grave virtue.  This is Newt Gingrich’s America.

Where is the FCC on this? We can’t see a titty, but we can set an example whereby the mere interaction between family members is portrayed as some horrific tragedy.  The only remedy is an SUV that engages all 5 senses and turns children into dismissive fuckwads who scoff at the notion of engaging with other homo sapiens.

This is a living, breathing reminder of why we need the Estate Tax (Brat tax). For that Toyota, we thank you. Never forget.